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Open Water on a Ski Lift

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (48)

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Before we get to the next trailer, and it’s a goddamn winner and a half, an admin note: Dan has set up a Facebook “Fan Page,” which is completely different and better in every sense, than the existing Pajiba Group we have set up (I don’t know why — just go with it). So, we’re starting all over, and hoping to move our 1,700 Group Members over to the “Fan Page,” so that we can better corral you all. In addition, sometime over the next few days, someone (either me or someone I can trick into doing it) will create on the new fan page one post that includes all the real names of the Pajiba commenters (or, at least those who have officially outed themselves on FB) so that you can match the commenter with their FB profile and befriend them (if they’ll have you). Who doesn’t want to know Sparkletit’s real name is or what Skittimus Maximus really looks like? Also, Tracer Bullet will verbally abuse you in a completely new forum! It’ll be awesome.

So join already.



Now, onto the trailer: This one is for Frozen, which has got to be the most stupidly awesome premise since Open Water. What’s more terrifying than being stuck, alone, in the ocean surrounded by sharks? Being stuck for days in a ski lift, of course. It comes from Adam Green, who is also responsible for a short called TiVo, about a DVR that becomes obsessed and starts killing people (awe. some.)

How they manage to turn this into a full-length movie will be interesting to see, but the two-minute trailer might set the new bar for unintentional comedy for a horror movie. And the quote-whore blurbs just kind of clinch it for me. Dig on this:










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Comments

ARCTIC BEEEEEEEEES.

Wolves don't attack people. Thanks, movie.

Posted by: twig at December 22, 2009 11:47 AM

This has to the potential to be very boring. Two hours of watching a group of useless teens which you don't care about sit down high up in the air. Remins of that movie a couple years ago where we endured two hours of a group of teenagers bopping on the surface of the ocean. What was it called? Deep Blue Sea or something like that. *yawn*

Pity I'm not a facebook fan. I would join the Pajiba group if I was.

Posted by: barf at December 22, 2009 11:47 AM

hmmm, hardly a new "imagine that" thing. Ski lifts break down all the time. People get stuck, sometimes overnight. And although it would SUCK - A LOT - I'm not sure where the horror is coming from. Is somebody after them? Or are they just cold and bored??

Wow, great concept.

Posted by: cydeleida at December 22, 2009 11:47 AM

There's no picture of what Skitz really looks like. Is there?

*goes and looks*

There's no picture of what Skitz really looks like unless someone is holding back on me, and I really hate it when people hold back on me.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at December 22, 2009 11:48 AM

"Scary and intense. I loved it."
-Harry Knowles, Ain't It Cool News

HAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *catches breath* HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Posted by: branded at December 22, 2009 11:49 AM

Looks like ass.

Open Water was ass. Now the water is frozen, the sharks are wolves, and the white people are still white...

Ass.

Posted by: malikvlc at December 22, 2009 11:51 AM

So now we are supposed to submit a forced displacement from our original Facebook group like some non-union government office drone?

We don't WORK for you, Rowles.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 22, 2009 11:54 AM

Lies and slander! The Wicker Man remake was the best worst horror movie since Troll 2.

"HOW'D IT GET BURNED? HOW'D IT GET BURNED? HOW'D IT GET BUUUURNED?!"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

Posted by: Oracle at December 22, 2009 11:57 AM

Fat-ass Harry Knowles will put his name on anything. I imagine this one HAD to involve the frozen blonde giving him a rim-job while massaging his biffkin. It's the only way it could happen.

Mini-div...has anyone else noticed that Dustin Rowles and Harry Knowles are never in the same place at the same time?

Posted by: PissBoy at December 22, 2009 11:58 AM

I can see in the trailer that eventually somebody falls or jumps or steps off the lift and hits the snow rolling, so ... thanks for taking out 90% of the suspense.

Posted by: , at December 22, 2009 12:00 PM

Oh, and I just cannot commit another 4 hours a day of my life to Pajiba Facebook beyond the 4 hours a day of my life I already commit to standard Pajiba.

4 hours? Really, I should be committed.

Posted by: , at December 22, 2009 12:01 PM

They just had a real bad ski lift type incident at of all places, Devil's Head Resort in Wisconsin. So while there may not have been wolves on the attack in Wisconsin, at least it is not a premise that cannot be attached to real world incident.

Posted by: richmac at December 22, 2009 12:02 PM

Pissboy, since I've been banging Harry Knowles on a semi-nightly basis, and I'm pretty sure that Dustin has never entered my forbidden kingdom, I can verify that they are indeed two different people.

Unless Dustin likes for me to slather him up in butter and pick the lice out of his ginger beard like Harry does...

Posted by: Commander Strikeher at December 22, 2009 12:03 PM

Unless Dustin likes for me to slather him up in butter and pick the lice out of his ginger beard like Harry does...

Posted by: Commander Strikeher at December 22, 2009 12:03 PM


/projectile vomits

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 22, 2009 12:05 PM

I just realised that the movie I was referring to above is actually mentioned in the title to this piece. It wasn't Deep Blue Sea (although imdb informs me a movie with that title does exist). It was Open Water. I never saw Open Water but I did see the sequel Open Water: Adrift which was mind numbing. It didn't make me want to see the original.

Posted by: barf at December 22, 2009 12:05 PM

So what's the threat? Freezing to death? Dying of boredom? Hearing your annoying friend drone on and on before you stab him with a pocket knife?

/you know there's only so much of that whining anyone can take!
//SHUTUP!SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!!!
//No officer, I have no idea how I ended up covered in blood. It was a....bear! Yes! A bear mauled my friends!

Posted by: Fredo at December 22, 2009 12:05 PM

Fredo

It's true. A bear with a pocketknife will fuck you up.

Posted by: twig at December 22, 2009 12:11 PM

Actually, when I think about it, that situation would kinda suck.

Posted by: Lindsay at December 22, 2009 12:20 PM

Now see, if they stuck some bears in there, that would scare me. Otherwise, it's just three people sitting in a non-moving chair lift. There'd have to be some extraordinarily good dialog and acting going on to make that interesting, and somehow I don't think this film has that. And as , pointed out, the trailer actually shows them escaping the lift, breaking their legs and getting mauled by wolves. So now the suspense is gone too.

Please stop trying to make me join FB. I have enough shit to do without having to update my status or check everyone else's all the time, and really, nobody is that interesting. I waste enough time on this site.

Posted by: DeadBessie at December 22, 2009 12:26 PM

Where are her gloves? What the hell is wrong with that girl!

Posted by: kel at December 22, 2009 12:32 PM

So many questions. Why not just wait it out overnight until the lift opens the next day? Aren't they dressed warm to begin with? I mean, they're skiing. Why wasn't she smart enough to wear her gloves while she held her hand motionless on the pole for hours? What does the whole credit card thing at the beginning have to do with this? Will I see this movie to have these questions answered? Nope.

Posted by: katy at December 22, 2009 12:35 PM

kel--how else is she supposed to show off her manicure? Style before comfort! Totally worth losing a few fingers.

I'm willing to bet that the chair lift operator she scammed let them on only to strand them there, and is lurking in the woods to watch their struggle and kill them off if they come close to surviving. He raised the wolves from birth to maul the spoiled rich kids who have tormented him since childhood.

Posted by: DeadBessie at December 22, 2009 12:43 PM

I'm investing way too much thought into this film. Comes from being bored at work. katy, if you watch the trailer again, you'll notice Hysterical Blond Chick pointing out the lift doesn't open again until Friday--"AND THIS IS SUNDAY!"

I explained the credit card thing in my other comments--the scam pisses the operator off and this is how he gets his revenge. You can see his big meaty glove shutting down the lift in an ominous fashion.

Posted by: DeadBessie at December 22, 2009 12:47 PM

If nobody ends up hanging by their tongue, I'll be getting right to work on Frozen, Too: The Double-Dog Dare....

Posted by: sansho1 at December 22, 2009 12:54 PM

Oh yeah, I became a card-carrying fan of Pajiba on Facebook. (The check will be arriving in the mail soon, right?)

I'll NetFlix this movie for sure. Why not? I'll convince my friends that it'll be The Best Thing Ever and watch their reactions. While drinking...

Posted by: Beckster "Tri-Tip Goddess" at December 22, 2009 1:03 PM

Thanks DeadBessie. You can see how much time I invested in paying attention to this fine piece of work.

Posted by: katy at December 22, 2009 1:06 PM

No worse than Blair Witch, if you think about it. At least I don't want to punch anyone from the trailer. That's a step up from Blair Witch.

Posted by: Robert at December 22, 2009 1:32 PM

twig

But not as badly as a badger with a katana.

Posted by: Fredo at December 22, 2009 2:21 PM

Posted by: twig at December 22, 2009 3:14 PM

Damn you, embed tag. I totally did that right.

Posted by: twig at December 22, 2009 3:14 PM

Deistbrawler has been trying for months now to get me to join the Facebook page to no avail. I'm kind of keen on my anonymity, maybe one day I'll join the dark side, until then though, I shall remain anonymous.

As for this movie, kinda creeps me out, I mean the premise. Only because of my debilitating fear of heights. Other than that, looks like it will blow.

Posted by: ashes at December 22, 2009 3:17 PM

Hey! I . . . Okay, you've got a point. Cracka-ass cracka.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at December 22, 2009 3:30 PM

SHE HAD GLOVES ON!!! WHY DID SHE TAKE THEM OFF?! I mean, it's not like she was warm or anything right?

"Wow, my hands are really warm. Let me take off my gloves, and then I will leave them on the FREEZING COLD POLE for an extended period of time. What could be the harm in that?"

Maybe she though she could excite the chair into moving, keep it warm with her hands rubbing it softly.

And what about cell phones? Do none of them have them? Especially with how fully covered the U.S. is with service (One of the Wilson Brother's commercials says apparently 97% of this country)

They might be in a dead area, or in a different country, but why not try?!
I just don't get it.

Oh well, just another one to file away under "Never Watch"

Posted by: JohnnyThei at December 22, 2009 3:55 PM

I got it!
That is, how to make this movie better.

Single female meets chairlift during her day of skiing. At first she is a little hesitant because of the human-machine thing, but it is BIG so she gives it a chance anyways.
After a few hours of her riding it, they fall in "love"(because it is a machine, and it doesn't know love). She intentionally gets left on after closing and tries to get it charged up so she can ride it some more.
Sadly, it suffers from ED(Electrical Disconnection) from being man-handled all day, every day by the same guy.
Eventually it has to cut her loose and it breaks it's heart.
... ummm, I mean chair, ya, chair sounds good.
So she "falls" for a pack of wolves that have been waiting patiently for her.
They eat her out.
UP!! I meant UP not out!!! (get your minds out of the gutter!)

END OF MOVIE

Posted by: JohnnyThei at December 22, 2009 4:06 PM

twig

That was some funny stuff! HAHAHAHA!

Specially love the rocking back and forth. That parrot was trying to get in there!

Posted by: Fredo at December 22, 2009 4:13 PM

Barf- the movie "Deep Blue Sea" is actually hilariously awful, starring giant mutant hungry sharks. And Samuel L. Jackson.

Posted by: nancy at December 22, 2009 5:15 PM

So three shithead (white) kids cheat their way onto a ski lift, and get bitten by karma, where they get severe frostbite, break their legs trying to escape, get eaten by wolves and by and by die....so....where's the horror? With the right music this could be a great comedy. Hell even a rank amateur could slap on "Yakkity Sax" and make it a better trailer.

My only question is that while there could be enough material for a compelling short, I cannot imagine one could put together a feature length film out of it. I mean how long can we watch 3 people stuck in a chair before we all start looking for SQUIRRELS! in the background out of sheer boredom?

Posted by: bleujayone at December 22, 2009 5:22 PM

Someone actually made a short film about a DVR that becomes sentient and starts killing people?

Thanks assholes. This is totally going to join my nightmare rotation.

Posted by: Melody at December 22, 2009 8:50 PM

I was a lift operations supervisor for 8 years in California and Oregon. It never happened under my watch, but a couple guys got left on a list at night closing one year. One guy jumped and broke his leg, and then his buddy jumped and broke his shoulder. Dude with the broken shoulder went down for help. It's not that fucking scary.

Posted by: krza at December 22, 2009 11:41 PM

shitshitshit

meant to say lift, not list

Posted by: krza at December 22, 2009 11:43 PM

Wait, wait ... how about all three lick a frozen pole and get their tongues stuck and they STAY stuck from Sunday to Friday? Would that make a better movie? It almost certainly would improve the dialogue:

Blonde chick: Ma tngth thuk.

White dude: Mn tu. Wr fkd.

Other white dude: Uhn-uhn. Doo, leme pith on ur tong.

White dude: Wh?

Other white dude: Le me pith on ur tong. Doo, ith da unlee way ta free uth ur we all di.

Blonde chuck: Wh he thay?

White dude: He thay we all gon di.
---
And no, I am not willing to freeze my pole for this, even to get it tongued.

Posted by: , at December 23, 2009 12:47 AM

It's true. A bear with a pocketknife will fuck you up.

Posted by: twig at December 22, 2009 12:11 PM
---------------------------------------------------
They don't carry knives. They prefer Berettas.

Heyyyyyo!

Posted by: Lauren at December 23, 2009 5:52 AM

"This will do for skiing what Jaws did for swimming"? Great. Now I'll be on the chairlift tomorrow with the theme stuck in my head. Da dum. Da dum da dum da dum...

Posted by: cinekat at December 23, 2009 6:52 AM

"Hey, I'm gonna hold onto this metal rod without my gloves on."
"Great idea. While I do that, I'm gonna jump down *without* my skis on so I break both of my legs for sure."
"Has anyone seen my cell phone?"

Posted by: kiwifrench at December 23, 2009 3:05 PM

These characters are definitely stupid enough to deserve what's coming to them.

Posted by: HappyGobo at December 23, 2009 3:25 PM

This movie would do better if it were marketed under a different title...

The Darwin Awards Presents:
Unemployment Solutions Vol. 1

Snow Dummies

Frozen Assets

Frost Heaves

Whatever Happened to Those Three Nitwits Anyway?

Wolf Down

Gondola Follies

Snow Problem

FrostBITE

Last Hours of the Swiss Miss


Posted by: bleujayone at December 23, 2009 6:44 PM

Echo Mountain Colorado Skiing is a favorite ski and snowboard area in Colorado. I enjoyed skiing there.

Posted by: Skiing at December 24, 2009 3:10 AM

so . . . they can climb up the rope to the main cable, but then can't monkey climb to one of the poles where they can slide down and NOT break something, and then proceed to hike down the mountain to the parking lot?

And, it's been a while since I've been skiing, but I can't say I've ever heard of a place that's only open on the weekends. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

Oh, and I hope the wolves can fucking fly, cause the stupid bitch deserves to die for taking off her gloves.

Posted by: Rowen at December 27, 2009 12:23 AM