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You’re Doomed! You’re all Doomed.

Jason Was My Son. Today is his Birthday. / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | December 8, 2008 | Comments (18)

The new theatrical trailer for the Friday the 13th trailer hit stores this week, and man o’ man, does it look like flaming monkey poo. It’s pretty much exactly what you’d expect from a Michael Bay remake, including a series of nobody actors, headlined by the dumb blonde dude from “Veronica Mars” (Ryan Hanson) and Jared Padalecki. The trailer, in fact, has a very brief snippet of Paddleass’s Southern drawl, which is less honey and more Aunt Jemima, which is to say: He may wet your panties, but he’ll soggy up your pancakes, too. Even more dispiriting about the trailer is the fact that it gives away at least part of most of the film’s death scenes, which is a shame considering that it’s the only goddamn reason to go see the movie.

The good news is that there’s not a single actor in the entire cast I wouldn’t enjoy watching take a machete to the side of the head.









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Comments

How would pancakes get into that type of situation?

You are a sick man Rowles.

Seriously, get help.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 8, 2008 11:06 AM

The new theatrical trailer for the Friday the 13th trailer hit stores this week

They're doing trailers for the trailers now? Is that so they can test their demographic or just to fuck with us?

Posted by: Ava at December 8, 2008 11:17 AM

Well at least they're trying to follow the classic formula of topless women, drinking and the token black guy.

Damn, shit, that is whack.

does it look like flaming monkey poo.

But the question that must be asked is if there are monkeys flinging said poo. If so, this represents a major step forward in primate evolution.

Posted by: admin at December 8, 2008 11:32 AM

So... just fuck any kind of history in the series? Jason wasn't in the first fucking movie. And why the fuck did I see a hockey mask?
Just for the iconic image? You fuck with the canon because some tweens wouldn't get that this was Jason if you didn't? I better see a crazy momma or we'll have words, Bay. I'm not even a big fan of the series. I just am a little crazy right now. Stress'll do strange things to a man when he's got to remember all this useless information.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at December 8, 2008 11:36 AM

Yes! Dick Casablancas lives!

Posted by: courtney 2 at December 8, 2008 11:37 AM

Actually, Jason is in the first movie... very briefly and very dramatically.

Don't get me started on how annoyed I am by this movie. Not to mention the presence of noted Nosek-lick-baby Padelecki. Grr...

Posted by: TK at December 8, 2008 11:41 AM

I'm using "Nosek-lick-baby" today. Preferably on a professor.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at December 8, 2008 11:47 AM

Dear Michael Bay,

Now I know Tobe Hooper did not direct this dreck, so I would appreciate the immediate removal of any and all references to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre from promotional materials.

Furthermore, the score of Friday the 13th does not go "he he he he he...haw haw haw haw haw" no matter how poor your ears are. Harry Manfredini's score cleverly adjusts the timbre of the male voice through editing to present a cryptic message revealing the twist at the end of the film so the idea is already implanted in the subconcious part of the brain. Idiotic breathing it was not, and I strongly would appreciate an immediate apology and score retraction from the reel.

And counting the cop as part of the body count to reach 13? Cheater.

You better not fuck up The Birds like this,

Robert

PS: Hackity hack hack hack. So fitting your latest joint has a machete wielding killer.

Posted by: Robert at December 8, 2008 11:51 AM

Dear Michael Bay,

I try to defend you against those that lack to see the brilliance in Con Air and The Rock. I even see the genius behind your Verizon commercials. I will never defend the tripe that is Armageddon, for that movie is the suck. You are a "smart" man. Why in the unholy pit of all that is dark and evil would you try to touch the Friday the 13th franchise? Why? It isn't like it needed the help in destruction. It was WELL on it's way there (see: Freddy vs. Jason and Jason X (aka the outer space one)). Mr. Bay, I have defended you several times, but this is too much. Please stop. Unless you are going to go back to working with Nicholas Cage and blowing things up, which is really what you do best, please stop.

Thank you for your time.

Melody

Posted by: Melody at December 8, 2008 12:07 PM

Nana Visitor? Really?

P.S. Dear BSlim,

How would pancakes get into that type of situation?

You are a sick man Rowles.

Seriously, get help.

I think I love you.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at December 8, 2008 12:12 PM

The good news is that there's not a single actor in the entire cast I wouldn't enjoy watching take a machete to the side of the head.

I think you've discovered the studio's casting strategy.

Freddy / Jason '12

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at December 8, 2008 2:29 PM

If Dick Casablancas is in it, I'm watching it. Same goes for all Veronica Mars alums, except for the scientologist guy.

Posted by: Austin at December 8, 2008 2:49 PM

Hey gang! Michael bay here...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You should see what else I'm planning on destroying! And oh my gosh, the money I get paid to do it!

Happy holidays! This is Bay, signing off!

Posted by: Michael Bay at December 8, 2008 3:25 PM

I wonder if anyone ever gets a fetish for wearing pancakes like panties...that would be interesting with the syrup I take it....mmm....(I just grossed myself out, I am so damn hungry!)...

Posted by: ph at December 8, 2008 7:51 PM

Dick Casablancas! I honestly thought that I would never ever see that actor again.

I was resisting pulling out the Veronica Mars DVDs until after the holidays, but I think this might have just pushed me over the edge.

Posted by: Mimi at December 9, 2008 12:30 AM

Mimi - oh man, I've been marathoning my way through season 2 for the last few days and I'm so tempted to go see this just for the Casablancas glory.

On the other hand...Jason's the killer? I mean, that's just...Bay watched the original movie, right? 'Cause that "machete through the floor" scene seemed designed to mimic Kevin Bacon's awesome "arrow through the neck" scene, but if he's just gone and shoved in a hockey mask for the hell of it, I may have to vomit and refuse to watch it, ever.

Man, I can't wait for the review of this...

Posted by: Shay at December 9, 2008 4:35 AM

...jason had no fucking hockey mask until part 2. Past 2...fucking tweenagers and their goddamn failure to recognize anything iconic unless it's on sale at Hot Topic on some sort of shoulder bag or skully. I think...yes...I think I feel a murderous rage coming on.

...someone get me my outh piece.

Posted by: PissBoy at December 9, 2008 7:30 AM

Jason didn't get the hockey mask until the third movie. He just wore an Elephant Man sack over his head in the second movie.

And yes, I am ashamed that I know this.

Posted by: Craig at December 9, 2008 9:37 PM