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Walt Disney’s Head Is Rolling In Its Freezer

I Fucking Give Up / Seth Freilich

Trade News | September 22, 2008 | Comments (59)

Holy shit. Every time I think I’ve been surprised for the last time, the TV networks go and fucking one-up me. I mean, I wasn’t surprised at all to hear that Fox greenlit an animated show about NASCAR, featuring the voice “talent” of Jeff Foxworthy. Frankly, I’m surprised this didn’t happen five years ago.

But then Fox went and surprised the shit out of me by also greenlighting a new legal drama pilot. The show is currently called “Georgia and the Seven Associates,” and, well, fuck. Georgia is a young lawyer kicked out of a big law firm by her evil stepmother, and thereby forced to take up shop at a smaller law firm with seven “quirky” lawyers. You know. A sleep lawyer. A grumpy lawyer. A bashful lawyer. A motherfucking sneezy lawyer.

I kid you not people — we’re through the looking glass here.









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Comments

...

Are you fucking around, Freilich? Is this, like, Autumn Equinox Fools' Day or something?

Posted by: Anna "Knife Pile" von Beaverplatz at September 22, 2008 4:18 PM

I would watch this. I assume they are all little people, right? And they toddle around doing ridiculous little things. And they practice Law, a little.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 22, 2008 4:18 PM

This is without question the funniest thing I've read in weeks. Seriously, great stuff.

Wait... what? Whaddaya mean you're not joking. You... you have to be joking! You have to be!!!

Oh... oh no. That is IT. I'm coming for you, God.

Posted by: TK at September 22, 2008 4:19 PM

Georgia? Her name is Georgia?

Posted by: Macafee at September 22, 2008 4:21 PM

TK, when you track down God, I would like for you to make the Holy Asskicking be a cage match, please. That way we can sell tickets and organise some kind of pay-per-view shindig. Everybody wants to see God's ass kicked for something or other. We'll be rich as hell!

Now... let's discuss costumes. I'm thinking God can dress up in a bunny suit, and for you I'm leaning towards something involving feathers.

Posted by: Sarina at September 22, 2008 4:30 PM

Well.

Yep. That's about all I've got.

I think they've broken me down, 'cause part of me is a bit curious about this show. Of course, I'm not going to watch it, because I found that I've stopped watching regular television serieses (yes I am making up my own words now), except for Project Runway. And I know I should be watching things like Mad Men, but yet, I'm not.

Posted by: tamatha at September 22, 2008 4:41 PM

*sigh* I do and do and do for you, and I get no thanks, no respect. How many times do I have to tell you people?

FUUUUUUUCK FOX.

Honestly, are you all deaf or something?

Posted by: Jerce at September 22, 2008 4:48 PM

Really? Has it come to this? A plot based on Snow White and the Seven fucking Dwarfs?

It's not too early to start drinking, right?

Posted by: Brie at September 22, 2008 4:51 PM

Created by David E. Kelley?

Posted by: Really? at September 22, 2008 4:51 PM

Sigh Fox has been so broken lately...nothing can fix this rotting mass of shit of a network up...WTF?!

Posted by: ph at September 22, 2008 4:52 PM

I'm just waiting for the season finale of this show "The Devil Went Down On Georgia."

Posted by: MrC at September 22, 2008 4:55 PM

Is anyone really surprised by this? I mean honestly, Disney has been raping its own movies for years now (how many people have seen The Little Mermaid Pt.VIII, Ariels Revenge). Why shouldn't the networks get in on the cartoon classic gang bang?

While they're at it why don't they just all come over to my house and skull fuck every happy childhood memory right out of my head?

Both of them.

Posted by: Admin11 at September 22, 2008 5:01 PM

I don't know. Fox has pulled off some pretty good shows. I think it might be pretty good - we just have to give it a chance. There are really crummy shows on the other networks, too.

Posted by: Conrad (last name withheld) at September 22, 2008 5:02 PM

If they don't want to get sued by Disney, they should probably pick names/characteristics that do NOT correspond to the Disney dwarfs (Bashful, Dopey, Grumpy, etc were all dreamed up for the '37 film and aren't part of the Grimm tale).

Plus, it'd be a better sell if they tarted up the nicknames: Twitchy, Horny, Snarky, Druggie, Greedy, Lazy, and Gay. Amiright?!

Posted by: Lizzie (greeneyed fem) at September 22, 2008 5:08 PM

UNFREEZE THE HEAD OF UNCLE WALT IMMEDIATELY!

Can't Disney like, friggin' sue the living shit out of somebody for this? I mean there's always a buffer with taking creative license, but if they're planning on running a goddamed series around the whole Snow White mythos, it might be time for Uncle Walt to drag his icicle-deadened cells out of Chillsville to wreak some mayhem on the Foxtwats.

Screw it. I don't have time to wait. Who's got a hairdryer, a list of the cryogenic laboratories throughout the states, and a free vacation day? We're thawing that bastard out... Granted, we'll have to mount his head to a Roomba until we figure out what to do about a body, but C'MON!

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 22, 2008 5:09 PM

Conrad, that's as may be - Fox has also created some truly eye-imploding dreck (and it doesn't even have the excuse of being around as long as the so-called Big Three).

But seriously. A lawyer show based on Snow White. And it's a drama.

Please, Great Dread Godtopus, let the US economy collapse now so that we lose the infrastructure and we won't have to even have this drivel infect our airwaves ...

Posted by: The Wanderer at September 22, 2008 5:11 PM

Sarina, can the cage be electrified? Or spiked? I think cheating is necessary when dealing with a God who would create this kind of shit. What about a fire pit and ear piece with a constant loop of The Nanny on it?

If Conrad was a dwarf he'd be Twatty.

Posted by: jM at September 22, 2008 5:11 PM

Conrad, m'boy - you are a dwarf anus.

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 22, 2008 5:12 PM

I have to agree with Conrad, this is a novel concept! Fox hasn't even begun to take inspiration from the classics! Just imagine, a prison drama based on Wizard of Oz! A criminal investigation unit made up of a friendly ghost and a nice witch! Animated dogs prowling the streets of London and knocking rich bitches up! It's sheer brilliance. I, for one, am in awe, and resolve to not rest until I've ensured the eradication...err...veneration of the greatest network ever that is Fox.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at September 22, 2008 5:31 PM

TK, My intentional creations are much funnier than this. Have you seen Mennonites? One of the archangels must have snuck in while I was on a smite break and spawned this. It was probably Gabriel. It certainly wasn't Me.

Just pray for a place and time for your ass-kicking, and so shall it be.

Posted by: Jehovah at September 22, 2008 5:32 PM

SoD, just where the hell have you been? The mail's piled up from hell to breakfast, your shelf in the fridge is... fuzzy is probably the best word to describe it, Dinkles, the hamster you promised would be your responsibility is... well, fuzzy is probably an appropriate way to describe his current state as well... Point is, don't you ever leave again without leaving some sort of note on the dry-erase board. Jesus, you leave your tasers, shackles, x-ray specs, bathtub hootch, ball-gag(s), suction cup phallus-thingy, inflatable banana, beanbag chair filled with human teeth/hair, and Seventeen magazines all over the house, and we thought you stepped out for your "morning quiche". Bad, SoD - bad commenter!

I'd probably disinfect that suction cup thingy... I had some people over and... uh - well maybe you should just throw it out entirely...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 22, 2008 5:41 PM

My apologies, my hero and mentor...I got caught in a random wind tunnel by Katrina...er...Ivan...aw, fuck...I was just busy, okay? Is that what you want to hear? THEY FUCKING LOCKED PAJIBA FROM ME AT WORK!!!

Sob...I've been in therapy...I rock myself to sleep at night muttering whiskeybabyninjastar! over and over to myself...I haven't gone to the bathroom in DAYS!

On an unrelated note...does anyone want a relatively unsoiled mattress? I'm getting a new one. Completely unrelated, I tell you.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at September 22, 2008 6:18 PM

Sold and sold! As long as I can't catch nothing from it, I'm calling dibs on that sonofabitch! Certain... modifications have been made to the MurderTank... a swingers lounge, if you will. Now I won't be partaking in any of the erotica that'll go down in the den of sin, but I believe that a drunken, sexually satisfied crew is a crew that's ready to rumble, soiled mattresses or not.

UPDATE: As of thirty minutes ago, I've successfully raided three of the nation's sixteen cryogenics labs - no luck on Uncle Walt, but did you know that Phyllis Diller has a clone of herself in cryogenic slumber, awaiting reanimation upon her demise? No shit! Pretty exciting stuff, this science stuff is...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 22, 2008 7:03 PM

"THEY FUCKING LOCKED PAJIBA FROM ME AT WORK!!!"

Shadows, that's why you shouldn't work at a real job. I decided at the beginning of the summer that jobs are for peasants, and now I don't work at one anymore.

Well, not really, I actually got quite sick and couldn't work. But I'm mostly fine now and the hell if I'm going back to work, cuz seriously, jobs are for peasants. Now I fritter away my days make a living intermittently telling zombie-related lies, poisoning my brain with teen vampire books, and talking smack about celebrities. It's the American dream!

Posted by: Sarina at September 22, 2008 7:12 PM

Turnabout's fair play. Disney stole the story from the fairy tale and made changes to suit itself.

I'm just hoping the lawyers sing merrily as they go about their work.

Posted by: Wednesday at September 22, 2008 7:16 PM

How come they never get to tag her ass?
Shouldn't sneezy have some poon?

Posted by: flintlock at September 22, 2008 7:36 PM

!

Posted by: greer at September 22, 2008 8:12 PM

Skitt, where are you? I've hit three of the cryogenics labs in the south, and haven't found anything...just a bunch of politicians and generals and Nelson Mandela. Wanna trade?

flintlock...I've had nightmares that began like that. Where exactly are you...I wish to...thank you, properly...for the reminder

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at September 22, 2008 8:18 PM

teen vampire books? Oh, Sarina, how the mighty have fallen...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at September 22, 2008 8:20 PM

Don't you dare take that tone with me, Shadows. I will have you know that I am reading them only so that I can selflessly document my ensuing mental collapse for the sick, twisted pleasures of my fellow Pajibans, because I am a giver, dammit. I am a humanitarian.

...I am the best goddamn dancer in the American Ballet Academy! Who the hell are you? Nobody!

Posted by: Sarina at September 22, 2008 8:28 PM

...okay then. Touche

But this better not affect your zombie-loving, book-reviewing, snarky post-making ass...cuz then I'd be forced to put you down for your own good. And my amusement.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at September 22, 2008 8:32 PM

Put 'er down! Put 'er down!

What?

Posted by: TK at September 22, 2008 8:34 PM

Oooh, does this mean I get horse tranquilizers! Fun!

Posted by: Sarina at September 22, 2008 8:37 PM

...I am the best goddamn dancer in the American Ballet Academy! Who the hell are you? Nobody!

Sarina, have my babies. Then we can sell them and live in pajamas forever.

And Shadows? A) Welcome back. I thought you might have ended up in TK's basement. B) You're a virgin who can't drive.

Posted by: jM at September 22, 2008 8:42 PM

Means you get two in the back of the head.

I ain't wastin' perfectly good tranquilizers.

Posted by: TK at September 22, 2008 8:42 PM

I'm in the Great Lakes area... Just hit labs four and five. four was a complete wash, but five had what I swear to God could've been a sasquatch cadaver. Seriously... Either that or Robin Williams and Gene Shalit combined their milky tadpoles and had themselves a fuzzy love baby... Whatever it is, it's thawing out in the solar powered ice machine - We got's a bonafide Ripley's freak baby! Whoot!

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 22, 2008 8:49 PM

The least I could do is give you horse tranqs, Sarina. However, they are in this pumpkin pie...

Hey jM! Naw, he's way to slow to catch me. I've just been laying low. Fugitive and everything.

And...way harsh...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at September 22, 2008 8:50 PM

I have to agree with Conrad

Shadows of Dakaron finally comes back, after disappearing of the face of the earth for a week, and THIS is what he has to say? ...have you been near a Scientology church, SoD?

The mail's piled up from hell to breakfast

I have never heard this before in my life. Rest assured, however, that it will come out of my life at least once a day from now on.

Posted by: Anna "Knife Pile" von Beaverplatz at September 22, 2008 8:52 PM

*Dammit! preview before posting when drinking and smoking!*

Out of my mouth at least once a day. Not out of my life. Out of my mouth.

Posted by: Anna "Knife Pile" von Beaverplatz at September 22, 2008 8:53 PM

Knife Pile? WTF? Anna, you gots some splainin to do!

And I was being sarcastic? Hello? Duh? Like...duh? I'd sooner agree with Conrad than I would spout valley girl euphemisms.

Oh...wait....

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at September 22, 2008 9:03 PM

"The least I could do is give you horse tranqs, Sarina. However, they are in this pumpkin pie..."

Guh.

[turns green]

You're nasty. You and your sickmaking pie can go straight to hell. I would prefer TK's two in the back of the head.

Posted by: Sarina at September 22, 2008 9:05 PM

Brings new meaning to "Death by pie".

That wasn't a saying before? Fuck it. It's mine now then.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at September 22, 2008 9:10 PM

"Knife Pile? WTF?"

That was from when we all played Pick a Palin Name (or something... Palin name generator? I dunno) in Pajiba Love the other day. Oh, but that's right, you were working. Elitist!

Anyway, you know how Palin's kids are all named Track and Trig and Teetotaler and shit? Well, this doodad gives you a Palin name. Anna's was Knife Pile Palin. Mine was Stinger Assassin Palin.

Startingly accurate, that name generator.

Posted by: Sarina at September 22, 2008 9:11 PM

Uhh... that should say startlingly. As in surprisingly. I dunno wtf "startingly" means. I... I really need some horse tranqs.

Posted by: Sarina at September 22, 2008 9:12 PM

Let's see. If you were Palin's trick pony you'd be named:

Shadows of Dakaron: Still Hardrock Palin
Shadows: Bow NATO Palin
SoD: Rink Rebate Palin

I like Bow NATO, myself.

Posted by: jM at September 22, 2008 9:14 PM

Are we counting Pajiba names or real names? Cuz my real name came out to: Engine Nighthawk Palin. I can't tell if that's awesomely cool or lamely lame-ass

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at September 22, 2008 9:23 PM

No fair, everyone has a better dumbass name than I do!

I couldn't use my Pajiba name because I refuse to be called Puck Mule Palin, so I went with my real name and got Ladel Torque Palin. I'm sure somewhere that's a better option. Guam, maybe?

Posted by: jM at September 22, 2008 9:36 PM

Now, jM, consider this. Being that you'd be the unaborted love child of a Palin and whatever oil baron wants land that week, and that the winner is the most dumbass name ever, wouldn't Puck Mule (say it fast, come on!) be a sure thing?

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at September 22, 2008 9:46 PM

So the idiots at Fox cancelled Firefly for this shit.

Posted by: caity at September 22, 2008 10:03 PM

...wouldn't Puck Mule (say it fast, come on!) be a sure thing?

Ha! You bastard, see what happens when you drop off the face of 'jiba for a week? I almost passed that shit up.

Posted by: jM "PUCK MULE" Palin at September 22, 2008 10:11 PM

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Posted by: Devo at September 22, 2008 11:04 PM

I can't tell if that's awesomely cool or lamely lame-ass

Well it makes me think of a movie that starred
Sylvester Stallone
Rutger Hauer (playing a guy named Wulfgar)
AND
Billy Dee Williams

What's that tell you?

Posted by: Jay at September 22, 2008 11:18 PM

Dopey Crane?

Posted by: bucdaddy at September 22, 2008 11:58 PM

Why would "Puck Mule" make you think of Nighthawks? Actually, why would ANYTHING make you think of Nighthawks?

Posted by: Sarina at September 22, 2008 11:59 PM

From initial review, to thus far in the comments, the lead's name has been on my mind (Cue Ray Charles.)

- "Pistol Tanker Palin"

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at September 23, 2008 2:41 AM

Why is everyone so angry here? I see this as entertainment in the form of watching another bad show crash and burn. And by watch, I mean that I won't really WATCH it, but I do anticipate Seth's article about it when it gets cancelled faster than Cavemen.

Posted by: Mike at September 23, 2008 3:50 AM

You folks are raiding the wrong cryo facilities. The hell with finding Walt. I found the candidates for the Motherfucker party ticket this year:

Zappa / Zevon '08

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at September 23, 2008 4:58 AM

Screw Bob Barr, I'm writin' in those boys.

What other fairy tales could be converted into TV shows/movies? I'm seeing "Hansel und Gretel" in a torture porn.

Posted by: bucdaddy at September 23, 2008 10:02 AM

Most of it was torture porn before it was sanitized somewhat in the Brothers Grimm collection, then really watered down in modern Braidy clan America.

Red Riding hood? Torture porn. "I want to eat you up, little girl." Bom-chicka-bow-wow-wah. Too easy.

Hansel & Gretel?

Puss in Boots? (Oh, god. That did it. I'll be in my bunk.)

Grimm / Grimm '08

Posted by: Bierce "Package Wichita" Ambrose at September 23, 2008 3:17 PM