First Looks At Anastasia and Christian From '50 Shades Of Grey' Will Give You Such A Screaming Bore-gasm

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First Looks At Anastasia and Christian From '50 Shades Of Grey' Will Give You Such A Screaming Bore-gasm

By Joanna Robinson | Trade News | November 13, 2013 | Comments ()

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Entertainment Weekly has the first images of the 50 Shades Of Grey leads Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan together. Is this really the best we can do, America? Are these the faces of your steamiest fantasies? I’ve never been more bored by erotica in my life. Sneakers? SNEAKERS?! Both Johnson and Dornan are so much better than this. YOU’RE better than this, America. Get it together.




Did she fall asleep? Did that sadist bore her to death?!

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Christ, he can’t even muster enough oomph to convincingly bite his thumb at us.

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News also surfaced today that 50 Shades is getting a 2015 Valentine’s Day release. So, fellas, ladies, look back fondly on the era of Nicholas Sparks. We’ve moved on to something much more feeble now.

(via EW)

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Even Stevens

    She's definitely giving me the blah vibe (though from what I understand, isn't that kind of the point of the character) but Jamie Dornan? Damn. Turn your safe search off and Google image search him, I think you'll find he has the right, ahem, equipment for the job.

  • Zoe1078

    In a couple of those shots, he looks like Ashton Kutcher trying to look intense.

  • foca9

    Never thought I'd say something like this, but here we go:

    I'm only here for Jamie Dornan.
    You look very, very much hotter with a beard.

  • Pretty Hate Machine

    I was beyond relieved and thanked Goddess when I saw this picture today that Charlie Hunnam as Christian Grey was NOT staring back at me. I do not have to shun him while this media circus begins.

    As for Dakota, she looks much older than I expected for Anastasia Steele.

  • axis2clusterB

    I'm so glad Charlie Hunnam pulled out of this mess. (See what I did there?)

  • Laura

    Have not read, will not see, but how on earth do you make Jamie Dornan look so bad in a role that (I think) he is supposed to be scorchingly hot in? Is it the bad hair? The weird facial expressions? There's just.... he looks weird.

  • Sassy Pikachu

    Maybe he's channeling R.Patt with the same amount of enthusiasm he had for the twilight series.

  • Parsnip

    Oh dear, this does not bode well.

  • Mrs. Julien

    It's like Ashton Kutcher and Matt Bomer had a baby.

  • Guest


  • Repo

    Well, Charlie Hunnam sure can sleep better at night.

  • Twillahiss

    I like him with a little more fur. Having never read the books, I have to assume the male lead is clean cut and bland. What a waste of a great head of hair.

  • foolsage

    Yeah. Well.

    For anyone who hasn't yet had the immense pleasure, I'm just going to link to Jenny Trout's amazing and scathing teardown of "50 Shades":

    At least the series can provide entertainment to us, in this manner.

  • kdm

    Thank you for bringing that into my life. Really, you have made my work day awesome.

  • foolsage

    I'm here to help! Or to sow chaos and confusion; one of those things.

    But Jenny Trout's 50 shades stuff is legitimately excellent and well worth reading.

  • PerpetualIntern

    Thank you partly for the 50 Shades link, but also because I just discovered her "Big Damn Buffy Rewatch" and I shall now be worthless for the rest of the evening.

  • foolsage

    Those Buffy recaps are also great reading. I thoroughly enjoy Jenny's writing. Glad to have opened that door!

  • DataAngel

    For some reason all I can think about is Wonder bread and mashed potatoes.

  • Alice

    Having seen The Fall, I can believe that Jamie Dornan has this role covered. If he does it right, he will fit the bill of a hot, scary, dominating man. I don't see it with Dakota Johnson. She looks way to much like the poor man's Kristen Stewart.

  • Sassy Pikachu

    I think he can pull it off too, but these photos are so disappointing.

    But overall I'm just sad that both of them are now forever associated with this giant pile of garbage.

  • Alice

    I'm definitely in the minority around here, but I think the movie could be campy fun, if it didn't take itself too seriously.

    And yes, those photos are pretty awful. Why does Dakota look so tired? Girl needs some cucumber slices on her eyes and like three naps.

  • bastich

    I'm planning to watch the movie once someone writes up a drinking game for it.

  • emmalita

    I was relying on you to come up with the drinking game for this movie.

  • bastich

    But...but that means I'd have to watch the movie sober first!


    /stamps feet, hold breath

  • emmalita

    Not necessarily. You'd have to start the movie sober, but bring a flask or three and note when and where you drink. 1. Oh god! It's not a trailer - drink.
    2. Anastasia does something clumsy - drink.

  • Sassy Pikachu

    Just gonna leave this here...

  • Mrs. Julien

    Why did "We Are the World" just pop into my head?

  • Mrs. Julien

    I love vulnerable and frightened the woman looks in photos for something ostensibly erotic. I mean, shouldn't she look pleased about the prospective activities?

  • foolsage

    Not if she's in character, no. Ana's most often scared and confused. Yay, what a great role model!

  • Maguita NYC

    I believe she was going for doe-eyed naive virgin... but missed the mark after finally reading the books.

  • *Commence copious vomiting*

  • Sassy Pikachu

    since you took the words right out of my mouth, I need some room so I can join you. Also more buckets.

  • I see she is channeling her inner K.Stew with that expression...

  • stella

    So wait. This is actually happening? Like for real?

  • Nat

    I know this has been covered a million times already, but I find the way he's grabbing her wrist really freaking scary and gross. This whole thing makes me really sad.

  • Spoiler alert: the whole fucking book is like that. Supposedly sexy but really just creepy and abusive as fuck.

  • bastich

    But does he eventually make her a vampire?

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Whatchu got against sneakers? It's a refreshing change from garters & stilettos.

  • stella

    Also, Im fairly certain that wearing converses are a defining trait of hers in the books.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I kinda figured it was something like that. Because that outfit is otherwise too benign to have a place in Hollywood PR land.

  • bastich

    "50 Shades of Casual Friday"

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I know. And no one ever gets laid on Casual Friday.

  • "50 Shades of Starbucks & Lace"

  • Maguita NYC

    "50 Shades of Just Do It Already!"

  • Erin S

    He looks like he's doing that gross "lick your finger before turning the page" thing my six grade history teacher did. Don't tell me he's going to hoist his boobs on the desk too, then it'd be really uncanny.

  • chebyshov

    These look like a gap commercial

  • Guest

    No Banana Republic.

  • Anne At Large

    The level of bland has reached code beige here. Wow.

  • We've gone from taupe to bone.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I'm on standby for ecru, then it's just one step to eggshell.

  • Ryan Ambrose

    That jam is spread so thin it might as well be all bread.

  • Pants-are-a-must

    Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.


  • Maguita NYC

    Yep, you've got that right: Those are the exact sounds of someone being flogged by Mr. Grey.

    Ohhhh, the kinky cheapfuckery that is going to flagellate Saint Valentine's!

  • Pants-are-a-must

    More like, the sound of my eyes being flogged by anything related to this damned thing.

  • Maguita NYC

    Eyes, back, ass or thighs, whatever rocks your boat. But in this instance, Pants_are_a_mustn't. :D

  • Pants-are-a-must

    I can't even laugh at your jokes, I'm so dismayed by this whole "franchise." Never have pants been so important.

  • Maguita NYC

    Would this kind of sexy sooth your dismay and feelings of impending doom?

  • Pants-are-a-must

    Oh Betty, why can't you be Miley Cyrus and relegate her to silly little pranks on retired folk on network tv.

  • lowercase_ryan

    There is a very real chance this movie will flop, right? or is that just wishful thinking?

  • MarTeaNi

    I hope it flops so bad they don't make the other books into movies, which means the film will end with Dakota just leaving her abusive boyfriend forever.

  • Guest

    I'd say there's a 60% chance it will flop and I hope it doesn't ruin Dakota's career. Jamie Dornan Who? Will still be the question most people ask about him after the film.

  • Maya

    Have you seen The Fall? Because Jamie Dornan is really quite great in it, so I'm hoping his career also survives.

  • Cowtools

    Is that 'The Fall' as in the Gillian Anderson show?
    Who does he play?

  • koko temur

    The scariest bad guy you'll ever see. Seriously. He is so buffling normal in his evil ways. Its not a spoiler, its clear from the opening scene, btw.

  • Maya

    Yup, that's the one. Dornan plays a conflicted bad guy type. The first season is available on Netflix; it's worth a watch.

  • emmalita

    Is he conflicted though? I don't want to spoil anything, but I thought mostly he didn't want to get caught.

  • Al Borland's Beard

    These are awfully melodramatic pictures for something that started off as 'Twilight' fan fiction.

  • Guest

    First, Dakota Johnson looks FANTASTIC as a brunette!

    Second, Why Fox why did you cancel Ben & Kate? You could have saved her from her from this.

  • Torgo

    Unfortunately, it looks like she dyed her hair and hasn't washed it since

  • Sassy Pikachu

    I find this picture in particular is quite lovely. Though the ones where she's got her arm folded (e.g. 2nd pic, the cover), not sure why but it just looks weird.

  • kdm

    She's giving me Alexis Bledel vibes, but with more blah.

  • Maguita NYC

    She reminds me of Charlotte Gainsbourg...

  • Even Stevens

    It's like Alexis Bledel dressed up as Gillian Anderson for Halloween

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