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OMG IT'S THE AWESOMEST THING IN THE HISTORY OF AWESOME

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (46)

bella_swan.jpg

It’s a fucking hand. No word about whether this is pre- or post-baby ripping its way out of Bella’s belly. But seriously: It’s a fucking hand, and some feathers, and as you read this, a billion t(w)eenagers (and an embarrassing number of adults) are collectively shitting themselves.

198254313.jpg

Mind=blown.

Also, if you really want to have your faith in humanity knocked down a couple more pegs (assuming that’s possible), read the comments on director Bill Condon’s Twitter post that provided the picture.

It’ll really make your morning. Hell, I mean. It’ll make your morning Hell.

You should know that writing this post vaporized yet another shard of my soul. Thus ends my Post-Thanksgiving Fuck You.









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Comments

That is from the fucking scene. Ahem.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at November 29, 2010 11:43 AM

TK has soul shards as of yet unvapourized?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at November 29, 2010 11:45 AM

Pinky McLadybits is correct. That picture is the aftermath of Bella and Edward having sex. Feathers everywhere! And, no, I'm not going to discuss how I know this. So ashamed.

Posted by: Shu Shu Fontana at November 29, 2010 11:45 AM

It's pre-baby, post-coital. After they do the SEXING, there are feathers everywhere because he rips some pillows.

Yes, I've read it. Know your enemy.

Posted by: Lauren at November 29, 2010 11:46 AM

Looks like Foghorn Leghorn got a Happy Ending.

Posted by: Kballs at November 29, 2010 11:51 AM

Wait! You guys, how could that possibly be a shot from a sex scene? This whole movie is propaganda for the abstinence/criminalizing sex agenda! The only way that'd fit into the propaganda is if there was terribly unspeakable consequence to the sexy times.

*receives a telegram from the internets*

What's this? Bella immediately gets pregnant with a baby who grows too rapidly and starts eating out her innards and the only solution is to receive a C-section by vampire teeth and then turn into a vampire herself?

Huh.

Well then, carry on.

Posted by: Kayanne at November 29, 2010 11:56 AM

Oh, not only does he rip some pillows, but he bites them. And tears them to shreds. Because after 100+ years, there's a lot of pent-up energy there.

I just want to see how Pattinson handles this. Clearly he hasn't taken a single moment of this job seriously, and I really hope he just pushes it to the extreme, because they can't fire him this late in the game.

Posted by: That Girl at November 29, 2010 11:58 AM

Fortunately he keeps his feathers numbered for just such an emergency.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at November 29, 2010 11:59 AM

So am I the only one who couldn't stop thinking "Pillow Biter"?

Posted by: Patty O'Green at November 29, 2010 12:00 PM

Mrs. Julien that was perfect. I really miss old school Looney Tunes. Stupid new cartoons with their educational value and lack of gratuitous violence. :-/

Posted by: Kayanne at November 29, 2010 12:06 PM

Looks like Kballs is back on the EE list next week.

Posted by: Ian at November 29, 2010 12:07 PM

You guys, how could that possibly be a shot from a sex scene? This whole movie is propaganda for the abstinence/criminalizing sex agenda!

But they're MARRIED now. Which makes it okay. And also makes it okay that she wakes up covered in bruises. Because he loves her SO MUCH he can't control himself. But they're MARRIED, so it's all okay.

I for one am totally reassured. I hope you are too.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at November 29, 2010 12:11 PM

Really? That's a sex scene? Ok. I'm positive now that Meyer just laughed her way through writing this kind of stuff. No way did she not know how incredibly stupid it was getting.

Posted by: Paultera at November 29, 2010 12:11 PM

Kayanne Do you watch The Penguins of Madagascar? You might find something to fill the void you speak of. They even did one recently "Cradle and All" that was a clear homage to Warner Brothers.

So do I want to read the Twilight books? Clearly, CLEARLY, it will not make me cool, but will it add the necessary je ne sais quoi to my pop culture knowledge and make me more au courant? Are they excrutiatingly bourgeouis? Will they make me stop using French in a pretentious fashion?

Maybe I should read them and damn the consequences. It might, MIGHT, make me less annoying.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at November 29, 2010 12:20 PM

I totally agree with That Girl! They can't fire RPattz at this point, let's hope that this gets balls-out RAHTAHDED!!! ...or at least more balls out retarded than it already is.

Posted by: SPAGHATTA NADLE (formerly popejenn) at November 29, 2010 12:22 PM

Whorish Mouth took a picture of my arm like this once. But not with feathers in my hand. We couldn't find a goose that we liked enough to bring into the bedroom, nor one that was mildly attractive when shorn. So we went with a ferret. I do NOT recommend anyone else try this.

1. They are a fucking nightmare to shave.
2. The boy ones smell if they're not descented. Kinda helps to kill the mood with the fresh scent of ammonia in the air.
3. They a fucking nosey! Like literally...they jam their noses EVERYWHERE where curiosity can lie. And considering the shadowy depths between my ass cheeks (I have a donk) curiosity was abound...as was the cold-nosing of my leather cheerio.
4. They bite and nibble. A lot. More than my woman. And in the wrong spots. I did not enjoy the 7 seconds where little FizzGig had a munch on my biffkin. Again...kinda helped to kill the mood.

...next time. I'll wait for a goose.

Posted by: PissBoy at November 29, 2010 12:23 PM

I don't give a good goddamn what anybody says about Twilight. I loved it. It was badly written, full of plot holes, completely unbelievably, u know kinda like Star Wars and all that crap guys love. Now. Star Wars is one of my favorite movies and I have watched it 1000 times because I can take it for what it's worth. Fiction. Leave the hot vampires alone. I have had to tolerate dozens of vapid actresses because they were sexy.

Posted by: Daria at November 29, 2010 12:25 PM

Oh and remember that first shot from Transformers when all there was was the shadow of something stepping on the Mars Rover? Not only were geeks minds blown but they shot their wad too.

Posted by: Daria at November 29, 2010 12:29 PM

But they're MARRIED now. Which makes it okay. And also makes it okay that she wakes up covered in bruises. Because he loves her SO MUCH he can't control himself. But they're MARRIED, so it's all okay.

Mz. Beav, sadly, this is many Twihards rationale. Are you familiar with the phrase, "My life is twilight?" No? Well there's a whole FREAKING website dedicated to it. These children (and adult women) try and emulate these books and movies in all that they do. It makes my head hurt.

And Mrs. J I will have to check out these penguins of which you speak.

Posted by: Kayanne at November 29, 2010 12:33 PM

My brain shut down after reading the gushing comments on that picture. This is too much for a Monday. *headdesk*

Stardust out.

Posted by: stardust at November 29, 2010 12:35 PM

Also, as well as this being the sex scene and Bitchella waking up covered in bruises and not being able to remember the sex, Meyer pulls a 'fade to black' just as they begin. Way to cocktease your audience.

Not that they're going to film the sex scene. This is the same production company that decided to rob us of Renesfail in all her spine-breaking, mother-killing, father uterus-chomping gore and fountains of blood debut.

Posted by: Aislinn at November 29, 2010 12:42 PM

BWAHAHAHA!

Now I hope that's all there is to the sex scene. Just a close up on her hand wringing sheets and grabbing feathers with some growling and shrieking in the background. Three movies and all those fans get is a few kisses and an off-camera sex scene drowned out by a Snow Patrol song. I can only hope it'll lead to the Twilight Riots of '11. My new HDTV and BluRay player aren't going to loot themselves.

Posted by: jM at November 29, 2010 12:48 PM

Oh and remember that first shot from Transformers when all there was was the shadow of something stepping on the Mars Rover?

No. Now don't try to bring Star Wars to your defensive defense.

Posted by: Jay at November 29, 2010 12:57 PM

Why was Bella jerking off a goose?

Posted by: admin at November 29, 2010 12:59 PM

Is it just me or is Twilight this generation's Flowers in the Attic with the scenes you may not mind reading, but watching is a whole other reality? If I paid any attention would I know that 8,000 people have already made that observation?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at November 29, 2010 1:01 PM

remember that first shot from Transformers when all there was was the shadow of something stepping on the Mars Rover?

No. Now don't try to bring Star Wars to your defensive defense.

Posted by: Jay at November 29, 2010 1:05 PM

It has begun. The EPOCH OF ROBOTS is upon you.

Posted by: DarthCorleone's Robotic Executioner at November 29, 2010 1:19 PM

Skeptic that I am... I'll need proof that it is actually Bella's hand being shown there.

Posted by: Ms MoMo at November 29, 2010 1:32 PM

Thnx TK.

You made me laugh hard on a bad day.

Posted by: Magiel at November 29, 2010 1:57 PM

SPAGHATTA NADLE, your name is the best thing ever.

PissBoy, that diatribe did nothing but raise my right eyebrow, until FizzGig. Then I laughed so hard I peed. Damn you.

Posted by: Patty O'Green at November 29, 2010 2:06 PM

@Patty O'Green - Better than Vonnegut Slut? I mean, it even rhymes!

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at November 29, 2010 2:13 PM

I expected a picture of feathers in R-Patz's mouth.

Posted by: THE Sofía at November 29, 2010 2:30 PM

I have to hand it to them, that image is brilliant. What every Twilight fan (and non-fan, and closet fan posing as a non-fan, and their mothers) wants to see in the movie is Teh Sex of Great Sparkleness and this assures everyone that, yes, Breaking Dawn will include icy vampire humping and the hilarious pillow-shredding that ensues.

Disappointingly, it looks like they didn't included the also-hilarious-but-really-just-disturbing-wtf bruises all over Bella's body after her teenage necrophiliac fantasies finally come true. Oh well, you can't always have everything.

Posted by: Dingles at November 29, 2010 4:01 PM

I have to hand it to them, that image is brilliant. What every Twilight fan (and non-fan, and closet fan posing as a non-fan, and their mothers) wants to see in the movie is Teh Sex of Great Sparkleness and this assures everyone that, yes, Breaking Dawn will include icy vampire humping and the hilarious pillow-shredding that ensues.

Disappointingly, it looks like they didn't included the also-hilarious-but-really-just-disturbing-wtf bruises all over Bella's body after her teenage necrophiliac fantasies finally come true. Oh well, you can't always have everything.

Posted by: Dingles at November 29, 2010 4:02 PM

If there's not a chicken involved in that sex scene I will be sorely disappointed.

Posted by: Dingles at November 29, 2010 4:04 PM

TK has soul shards as of yet unvapourized?

Mrs. Julien,

It looks like you spilled some Canadian extra "U" sauce on your word up there. In 'Merica that'll get you the electric chair.

Posted by: John G. at November 29, 2010 4:17 PM

Of course there must be feathers! Apparently in the Twilight universe, vampires sparkle when trying to attract a mate, but sprout feathers when doing The Nasty.

Then they molt after the moment passes.

Hey, it's no stupider than the rest of this tripe.

Posted by: The Wanderer at November 29, 2010 4:21 PM

I expected a picture of feathers in R-Patz's mouth.

That'll be the next photo released. You can't overload the Twihards or they'll spontaneously combust into violent showers of sparkles and guts.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at November 29, 2010 4:24 PM

Well, John G., I normally wouldn't worry about the repercussions of my Canuckianisms, but as y'all have been a little loosey-goosey with habeas corpus of late, maybe I will mind my z's and u's.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at November 29, 2010 4:53 PM

CANNOT. STOP. LAUGHING!

I love the absurdity of it all. Love the batshit crazy Twihards. But most of all...

LOVE PAJIBA!!!

*Starts having serious convulsions as pet chihuahua cowers in a corner in fear.*

Posted by: smijca at November 29, 2010 5:42 PM

Daria wins the EE right now, because that is the funniest, most absurd shit I have EVER read. It takes some kind of genius to write that kind of comedy.

Posted by: figgy at November 29, 2010 8:22 PM

Also, I never read the fourth book but I read a summary (had to) and this is the 'scene' after four hundred thousand pages of not fucking. And then, don't they only fuck once and she wakes up covered in bruises and shit because SO ROMANTIC. And probably she doesn't remember anything. And she gets pregnant right away. Because that's what a good woman should be like. Take your beating, your fucking and your baby.

Posted by: figgy at November 29, 2010 8:30 PM

Edward dumps Bella. Shacks up with a Victoria's Secret Angel. Moviegoers can watch R.Patt in a sex scene that is not going to just be a close ups of lip biting tics and adverted gazes. Someone might even smile!

EVERYONE WINS THIS WAY! THAT'S WHAT THE PIC MEANS RIGHT? RIGHT?!

Posted by: Lola at November 30, 2010 1:26 AM

Besides the fact that the Twilight books suck donkey testicles (OK I only read the first one and couldn't stomach any more)--who would want to have sex with a man who was cold to the touch? I mean, ewww. Nothing less appealing than the thought of ice cold hands touching you.

Posted by: Ter Bear at November 30, 2010 4:30 AM

Is it OK to find K-Stew a little bodacious in this photo?

Also, when will I stop perving on just about everyone who gets a mention on Pajiba? I had such a hard time restraining myself for Cumberbatch yesterday.

Posted by: Caspar at November 30, 2010 5:11 AM

Pissboy, I laughed so hard I farted.

Posted by: Stella at November 30, 2010 11:03 PM