Suck It, Canada. America Wins at Life!
Today is Veteran’s Day, which is when we in the United States take a moment to reflect and celebrate our victory over Canada. Sure, gays in Canada can marry; smoking pot is next-to-legal; and everyone up there has free health care. But we’ve got all their good actors, don’t we (R-Squared, in the house)? Oh, and we get to film our movies there for next-to-nothing and keep all the profits for ourselves.
More importantly, on the rare occasion that those Canucks come up with a decent idea of their own, you’re damn right we’re gonna steal. And make it better! And by “better,” I mean: Blander but more profitable!
Take Fathers and Guns. If you live in America, can you claim to have ever heard of it? No. Of course you can’t! They don’t screen those French-language Canadian films in America. That’s communist. Plus, we don’t like subtitles. They make our brains hurt. Reading is for losers. And Canadians.
But get this: Fathers and Guns, or De pere en flic, for those elitist bastards, was the biggest grossing movie in Quebec over the summer; in fact, it’s the highest-grossing French-language film ever released in Quebec and Canada, which means it probably made about $275 (or $240 Canadian).
Well, the United States isn’t going to let those damn Quebecoinsesis have all that glory for themselves. We’re all about one-upmanship. Also, stealing other people’s good ideas.
Which is why, of course, Sony has bought the remake rights to Fathers and Guns, an action-comedy about two cops, father and son, who can’t stand each other. They are assigned to an investigation to infiltrate an outdoor adventure group-therapy camp for fathers and sons.
Wow! That sounds like an idea that Canadians could probably execute, but that will probably involve Kevin James and Jonah Hill in the American version. Americans Kathleen Kennedy and Frank Marshall are set to produce.
Oh, and Maine maple syrup is better than Canadian maple syrup.
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