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Fathers and Guns Gets American Remake | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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Suck It, Canada. America Wins at Life!

Because We Cheat / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | November 11, 2009 | Comments (46)

Today is Veteran’s Day, which is when we in the United States take a moment to reflect and celebrate our victory over Canada. Sure, gays in Canada can marry; smoking pot is next-to-legal; and everyone up there has free health care. But we’ve got all their good actors, don’t we (R-Squared, in the house)? Oh, and we get to film our movies there for next-to-nothing and keep all the profits for ourselves.

More importantly, on the rare occasion that those Canucks come up with a decent idea of their own, you’re damn right we’re gonna steal. And make it better! And by “better,” I mean: Blander but more profitable!

Take Fathers and Guns. If you live in America, can you claim to have ever heard of it? No. Of course you can’t! They don’t screen those French-language Canadian films in America. That’s communist. Plus, we don’t like subtitles. They make our brains hurt. Reading is for losers. And Canadians.

But get this: Fathers and Guns, or De pere en flic, for those elitist bastards, was the biggest grossing movie in Quebec over the summer; in fact, it’s the highest-grossing French-language film ever released in Quebec and Canada, which means it probably made about $275 (or $240 Canadian).

Well, the United States isn’t going to let those damn Quebecoinsesis have all that glory for themselves. We’re all about one-upmanship. Also, stealing other people’s good ideas.

Which is why, of course, Sony has bought the remake rights to Fathers and Guns, an action-comedy about two cops, father and son, who can’t stand each other. They are assigned to an investigation to infiltrate an outdoor adventure group-therapy camp for fathers and sons.

Wow! That sounds like an idea that Canadians could probably execute, but that will probably involve Kevin James and Jonah Hill in the American version. Americans Kathleen Kennedy and Frank Marshall are set to produce.

Oh, and Maine maple syrup is better than Canadian maple syrup.

(Source THR)


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Comments

I've got a wholly original idea, which I just came up with... Corbin Bernsen as the father, and James Roday as the son. I know it's out of the box and unlikely, but I like it. If only we can find a way to make that happen.

Posted by: logar at November 11, 2009 11:55 AM

Is it true that the Mounties are owned by Disney?

Posted by: Alexandra at November 11, 2009 11:58 AM

Blasphemy! You love our maple syrup and our beavers! Admit it.

OK, I have a joke:

How is American beer like having sex in a canoe?
Its fucking close to water!

Ha! Yeah, pretty much all of us Canadians are hilarious like that.

Posted by: becks at November 11, 2009 12:36 PM

The Canadian dollar is sort of fucked right? If I ever win the lotto my ass is moving there SO FAST.
I'm not even sorry for how I will rape your dollar.

Posted by: Nadine at November 11, 2009 12:38 PM

'and our beavers'


becks, that was on purpose right? That your beavers are loved?
That wasn't a genuinely innocent remark but rather was laced LACED with innuendo?

Posted by: Nadine at November 11, 2009 12:40 PM

Yes, and you've also got Pam Anderson and you can keep her.

Posted by: Jadine at November 11, 2009 12:55 PM

Oh logar, I'd like to kiss you and feel you up for that idea. From your keyboard to hollywood's ears.

Posted by: Drake at November 11, 2009 12:58 PM

Nadine, come on now. I'm Canadian. I'm too sweet to say something dirty like that.

You won't do as well raping our dollar these days since you guys fucked your dollar pretty badly as well. Still come though. I'll introduce you to my beaver!

Posted by: becks at November 11, 2009 1:00 PM

...A US dollar is only 1.04 Canadian right now, so lotto winnings won't go too much further here.

Posted by: Jacqueline at November 11, 2009 1:01 PM

@Nadine:

Before you buy your plane ticket, hun, do some research.
Like here, for instance: http://www.xe.com/ucc/
Because, as of now, 1 Canadian dollar is worth about 95 cents USD. I wouldn't call that "fucked".

Also, you DON'T have Colm Feore and you NEVER WILL.

Posted by: Ling at November 11, 2009 1:03 PM

Guys I'm from the UK.
I've been on this site for so long now, do people forget I'm british? I'm British.
I live in england. I drink TEA and spend POUNDS. My pound is worth almost 2 of your dollers.
I would rape your dollar and it's mama too.
DONT INTRODUCE ME TO BEAVERS!I'm british, we're politer than that!

Posted by: Nadine at November 11, 2009 1:17 PM

Right. In the UK it's 'Fanny' right? Since you are sooo highbrow. You do, however, have Jonathan Ross and Graham Norton, so you win.
And you might as well come to the US if you want your Lotto pounds to go further. Our money, as pointed out, is depreciated more than Canananadas. Of course, we just let them sit up there and pretend to be a country because we think it is soooo cute. Like letting a 4 year old play dress up in mommy's high heels and dresses. Awww.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 11, 2009 1:38 PM

Actually you're right Lindsey, it does seem the US is gonna be better bang for my buck...acutally....no on the currency converter I'm using the US Dollar is like, a dollar sixty to a pound, whereas candian is like a dollar seventy...hmm

And hehee Fanny IS highbrow. I cant possibly explain why. But it is.

Posted by: Nadine at November 11, 2009 1:49 PM

Ummm guys,
in Canada you don't have to pay taxes on your lotto winnings.

It's different if you win Cash For Life or something, but still. You probably wanna win up here.

Posted by: kilmo at November 11, 2009 1:59 PM

Come to Canada. We're nicer so we won't laugh at your teeth (or lack thereof).

Posted by: becks at November 11, 2009 2:01 PM

Where's admin to weigh in on this Cananadiana stuff? I haven't seen him comment in a couple days...

Posted by: MM at November 11, 2009 2:21 PM

Yeah, you've got the good actors, Rowles. You've also got Celine Dion, Avril Levigne, Sum 41 and Pamela Anderson.

You bitches don't steal anything from us. we allow you to use them as when the inevitable invasion comes, they'll be the ones that tear you fuckers apart from the inside. Look at you Rowles, you'd happily disown your entire family if it meant that you could get your fake maple syrup chugging ass on Ryan's abs. It's all part of the plan, motherfucker.

2012: The Hat Strikes Back

Posted by: admin at November 11, 2009 3:01 PM

admin...you just...you rock

Posted by: Nadine at November 11, 2009 3:07 PM

admin,

So it's kind of like "V" then? You've sent all the shiny, pretty people down here to tell us about peace and politeness (eh?) and universal health care, but eventually they're going to rip off their shiny, pretty skins to reveal Canadian lizards who will eat us all?

Posted by: MM at November 11, 2009 3:09 PM

Last night I heard an interview with Denise Robert, who produced this film. She explained that after the movie started attracting interest, she contacted Kathleen Kennedy, with whom she had remained in touch following the success of Les Invasions Barbares, and that's how Sony/Columbia Pictures ended up buying the rights to the remake. Ms. Robert said that the deal was quite satisfactory to her production company--while highly successful, the movie, which cost around $6M, "only" made $11M at the box-office. So while you have a point with your montée de lait, those deals are not all that bad (for us Quebeckers, at least) as they inject much-needed cash into our movie industry.

Posted by: karinea at November 11, 2009 3:15 PM

but eventually they're going to rip off their shiny, pretty skins to reveal Canadian lizards who will eat us all?

I believe that Canadistanians traditionally call them "sweaters", not skins, and then those (cold-blooded) lizards will crosscheck us into submission.

Posted by: branded at November 11, 2009 3:47 PM

Hey Canada, in America we got a little something called SUMMER. Ever heard of it?

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at November 11, 2009 4:20 PM

We gave the world John Candy, and in return I can watch reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond... That hurts just to type.

Posted by: Brenton at November 11, 2009 4:38 PM

Admin, need I remind you that they already had their fair warning with John Candy in Operation: Canadian Bacon?

Yes, we're better. And we're sorry.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uApZuZ6RPy4

Posted by: lordhelmet at November 11, 2009 4:49 PM

L.O.V.E, I wouldn't brag so much about warm weather. At least our morbidly obese stay covered up. I've been to your country. The things your people do to bikinis is not of God. That's okay though, I mean only like 85% of you fall into the morbidly obese category, right?

Posted by: becks at November 11, 2009 5:04 PM

Can't we just all get along! When Cananda and America fight, it makes me sad. After all, don't we Americans love Canadian bacon on our crappy buffet eggs Benedict? And Canadians don't you love to laugh at Americans who locate your country next to Mexico on a map? So like Barney and Robin, can't we just enjoy our differences and never fight? Wait, they broke up? Oh, then it's on you Northern devils! You bastards better get ready because we're sending truckloads of Southern BBQ, Wisconsin cheese and most of the Shoney's menu. We'll see who's morbidly obese.

Posted by: mrcreosote at November 11, 2009 5:13 PM

mrcreosote, don't worry! Canadians love Americans, we're just jokesters. Honestly though, don't talk bad about our maple syrup because we take that shit real serious up here.

Posted by: becks at November 11, 2009 5:17 PM

My pound is worth almost 2 of your dollers.
I would rape your dollar and it's mama too.
DONT INTRODUCE ME TO BEAVERS!I'm british, we're politer than that!

Posted by: Nadine at November 11, 2009 1:17 PM
--------------------------------------------------
YEAH, well . . . . well . . . at least loonies* aren't 2-inch thick slabs of metal that weigh so much and take up so much space that you need a separate coin purse to carry them around! HaaaaAhhhhhaa . . . . ha . . . . ha . . . . okay, I'm reaching. But they ARE godawfully massive.

I would usually take DR to task for his anti-Canadian INSUBORDINANCE, but I gave blood an hour ago in honoUr of Remembrance Day, and until I suck down more of this eggnog latte, I'm too weak to argue.

*our dollar coin

Posted by: Lauren at November 11, 2009 7:15 PM

holeysmoke that was fast! CINDY IS THE SHIT!!

Posted by: Lauren at November 11, 2009 7:16 PM

Oh, shit! You spelled "Dollars" wrong and I didn't catch it. Prime mocking opportunity WASTED. I am unworthy to post here.

Posted by: Lauren at November 11, 2009 8:58 PM

Dear Canadia:

Who owns the Stanley Cup?

Fuck yinz.

Love,

Pittsburgh

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at November 12, 2009 1:28 AM

Dear Buc,

Isn't that team composed almost exclusively of Canadians and Russians? You're welcome.

Posted by: admin at November 12, 2009 8:42 AM

Hee, hee - I love you guys! I really, really do. I've been working a shitload of hours lately and hating everyone and everything. But stopping in and reading the Great Canadian/American Maple Syrup War of 2009 makes my cold black heart a little warmer.

Also, you damn American's had better be nice to us or we'll take back all our pretty actors (yes that includes RR, Rowles) and our bacon.

Who's crying into their Maine maple syrup now bitches! Ha!

Posted by: Kelly at November 12, 2009 9:46 AM

admin, That's how we roll in the US of A: Outsource the labor and keep all the goodies.

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at November 12, 2009 10:32 AM

I have seen this film. Freaking fantastic. I am doubtful Hollywood has a comedic equivalent of Louis-Jose Houde, which shall prove Canadian superiority once again.

Posted by: SassyRouge at November 12, 2009 10:46 AM

From dictionary.com:
ox·y·mo·ron (ŏk'sē-môr'ŏn', -mōr'-)
n. pl. ox·y·mo·ra (-môr'ə, -mōr'ə) or ox·y·mo·rons
A rhetorical figure in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined, as in Canadian superiority.

I was as surprised as you are to see this.

Posted by: logar at November 12, 2009 11:14 AM

Only an American would have to look up the definition of oxymoron. Try studying an atlas and an international newspaper the next time you feel like looking something up. Maybe you could check out the food pyramid as well.

Posted by: becks at November 12, 2009 12:17 PM

But, becks, this IS the American food pyramid:
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_CdwchE_AUhs/SGhvkjo9iyI/AAAAAAAAADc/M18qMzxIBjU/s320/Presentation1.jpg

Unless you are in Wisconsin:
http://rlv.zcache.com/wisconsin_food_pyramid_sticker-p217095121826309589qjcl_400.jpg

Incidentally.... my god I fail at coding links.

Posted by: ZombieScientist at November 12, 2009 12:37 PM

Oh, my god! The Americans have cut-and-paste technology! Flee, flee my expatriate Canucks! Get to the border and we'll distract them by telling them you ran to Canada. They'll turn around and head to Mexico.

Posted by: admin at November 12, 2009 1:07 PM

If Canada didn't have so many awesome comics, I'd accuse you of being the Great Humorless North, becks. I guess if you weren't too busy being clean, polite, and well-educated, you would have seen my brutish American humor.

Posted by: logar at November 12, 2009 1:47 PM

logar, um, this is awkward. I was kidding too. I was just exaggerating American stereotypes. I don't really believe them, don't worry! I actually thought your comment was really funny. I keep coming back to check the thread because these comments are really amusing. I wish I could have communicated sarcasm a little better in that previous post because I assure you it was all in jest.

Posted by: becks at November 12, 2009 2:22 PM

Mine wasn't! Becks, stop being so goddamn nice. These jerks need to realize we mean business. Mapley, Poutiney business.

Posted by: admin at November 12, 2009 2:32 PM

I guess I need to stop being the world humor police, as Americans have a tendency to be. Why do you have to be so damn nice!

admin, not only can I copy and paste, I can also italicize as well. I learned it from watching porn on the internets, which is the American version of computer education.

Posted by: logar at November 12, 2009 2:48 PM

Mapley, Poutiney business.

What the hell?!?

Admin were you at my house last night?

Posted by: Kelly at November 12, 2009 2:49 PM

Wow, some mother fuckers is lucky I've been busy all damned day. Sorry admin, I should've had your back buddy. I wasn't going to bring up the war of 1812, because Canadians always bring that up. Because it's fucking awesome.

Posted by: Xtreme at November 12, 2009 3:51 PM

You mean the War of Canadian Aggression, right?

Leastways, that's how they're still spinning that one most of the time if anyone brings it up. Damn thing has about two and a half sentences devoted to it in our text books, and none of them end with "and the Canadians handed us our asses a bunch."

Not because it didn't happen, but because it sounds so silly the text book writers are afraid they'll lose credibility with the kids reading.

Posted by: ZombieScientist at November 12, 2009 4:38 PM





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