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Gunsmoke, The Little Red Riding Hood, and Fatal Attraction

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (57)



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Welcome to another edition of the fastest-growing Internet sensation on the planet: Two Truths and a Lie, the feature that asks you how stupid Hollywood can get. Two days ago we debuted the feature with two truths: 1) Tom Arnold is reporting there is an unofficial remake of True Lies in development, with Schwarzenegger and James Cameron returning; 2) that Hugh Jackman has signed on to a musical about the life of P.T. Barnum, the circus dude. The lie? The Dark Crystal remake.

So how did our readers do? 63 percent picked the True Lies remake, and only 20 percent guessed that The Dark Crystal remake was false, once again proving that the truth is more absurd than the lie.

Today, we will increase the level of difficulty slightly and introduce three more projects, three of which are real, and another one which is false. You pick the made-up project.

A) Leonardo DiCaprio’s production company, Appian Way, has hired David Leslie Johnson (The Orphan) to develop a Gothic reimagining of the Little Red Riding Hood fairy tale for the big screen. No word on whether the reimagining will involve a wolf or a werewolf, or whether it will have a happy ending or grandmother will be eaten.

B) With a sequel to the 1987 Michael Douglas drama Wall Street already being developed by Oliver Stone (with Shia LaBeouf attached), Douglas’ other big hit that year, Fatal Attraction, is now getting a remake. Paramount is developing the remake of Adrian Lyne’s adultery film, and are expected to give it a modern meta-twist. It will revolve around a couple of high-profile 20-something celebrities whose marriage falls apart under the weight of an affair publicized in the tabloids. Sherry Lansing will produce.

C) Gregory Poirier, who wrote the National Treausure movies, has been hired to pen the script for a big-screen adaptation of the second longest-running show in primetime history: Gunsmoke. Craig Baumgarten, who produced Shattered Glass, is developing the project for CBS films. The movie will be a prequel to the show — an origins story about the characters. It’ll still be set in the Old West, but it will have a contemporary look and feel.

D) Guillermo Del Toro’s fairly outstanding Spanish-language horror-thriller, The Orphanage is getting an American remake. Del Toro has not only given it his blessing, but he’s producing it and co-writing the script. Actor/director Larry Fessenden is set to direct the remake, which comes just two years after the original film was released.










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Comments

I'm actually really really hoping that the Little Red Riding Hood story is true. That could be all kinds of creepy fun. Mix up that trade item with #4 and get Del Toro to direct, and I would camp out for tickets.

Posted by: Julie at August 6, 2009 10:54 AM

Gunsmoke? Really? My gun will be smoking, alright.

Posted by: annoyingmouse at August 6, 2009 11:00 AM

I've never heard of Gunsmoke and wouldn't mind a LLRH remake as long as fucking Megan Fox wasn't in it; and Guillermo jumping on a bandwagon to ruin his own masterpiece doesn't sound to far-fetched, but there is no way Hollywood would remake Fatal Attraction and actually credit the movie. I mean, people have been remaking that movie for years, but they wouldn't be dumb enough to actually cite it, right?

Posted by: Marra at August 6, 2009 11:02 AM

I just re-read what I wrote, and how fucking big is my ego that I immediately dismiss something as a possibility because I'd never heard of it before? Christ, I'm an asshole.

Posted by: Marra at August 6, 2009 11:04 AM

Back to yesterday, IO9 is reporting that the Henson studios are at work on a Dark Crystal Sequel. Is that the difference? Sequel vs. Remake?

Also, James Cameron emailed Harry over at AICN and said that there is no True Lies 2 happening.

So which is the lie, dude?

-Ralphie

Posted by: Ralphie at August 6, 2009 11:10 AM

Gunsmoke, ftw.

Posted by: Moose at August 6, 2009 11:11 AM

Well I know A and D are true because I read them somewhere yesterday (and shook my head in disgust). That leaves B and C. Hmm. Which one's the lie...

B?

Posted by: Nat at August 6, 2009 11:14 AM

I'm with Julie on this one. Although technically speaking, would it really be considered a Gothic reimagining if the original was itself dark and morbid? Hmmmm...debatable, really.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at August 6, 2009 11:15 AM

grandmother will be eaten.

So ... Gothic geriatric porn? I've seen some hot grandmas. I'm in.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at August 6, 2009 11:19 AM

Marra, that isn't Megan Fox, but the rather awesome Monica Bellucci. (Red is a good colour on her. Any colour is a good colour on her.)

So, I'm guessing the Gunsmoke thing.

Posted by: Mikey Mike at August 6, 2009 11:24 AM

I just finished reading a really awesome book (need to write the review for it) called Little Red Riding Hood Uncloaked: Sex, Morality, and the Evolution of a Fairy Tale by Catherine Orenstein, which got into all different levels and versions and reimaging of Little Red Riding Hood through the ages. And I'm with anyone else who really kind of hopes a movie isn't the lie here.

If Del Toro were to direct, I'd camp out with Julie for those tickets.

Posted by: Tyburn Blossom at August 6, 2009 11:26 AM

That LRRH in the picture? The better to eat you, my dear ...

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at August 6, 2009 11:30 AM

Gunsmoke? Miss Kitty? Marshal Dillon? Yeah, 90% of the world just went huh? I've got to think that's the fake. What would be the point of an origin story? It's not like they are superheros-I can figure out how you become a marshal or a hooker. Hell, those two can probably be connected. Anyway I think that one is false-also, is that hood, cloak whatever all Monica Belluci is wearing? I'm just going to assume so.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at August 6, 2009 11:35 AM

Another creepy orphan movie? Isn't that a bit soon?

Posted by: DawnDraper at August 6, 2009 11:37 AM

I heard Tom Arnold mention True Lies 2 when he was on Stern. He said he and Schwarzenegger have been playing with ideas, and Schwarzenegger wants to make movies again as soon as his term is over.

I have no idea about this week's little game. Honestly, I don't care about any of those rumors. Uh...I'll vote for B since there was just a remake of Fatal Attraction (Obsessed). Also, I want C to be true because we need more westerns.

Posted by: henchman for hire at August 6, 2009 11:42 AM

My vote (and sincere sincere sincere hope) is that the Fatal Attraction bit is the lie. Really sincere. Because I can't imagine how much more suck Hollywood can effing shove into a single movie. Also, I kind of like the other 3 - they all sound kind of cool!

Posted by: staramour at August 6, 2009 11:45 AM

Gunsmoke ran for 9 years on radio and 20 years on TV. There's no story left to tell. Plus, it ended 35 years ago. Nobody even remembers the friggin characters, and they're going to do an "origins" story? No way. That's the lie.

Posted by: BWeaves at August 6, 2009 11:49 AM

I'm with everybody else... God I hope that Red Riding Hood thing is true.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at August 6, 2009 11:52 AM

B5 got all the dinks.

Posted by: zito at August 6, 2009 11:52 AM

It's the Fatal Attraction one, every other news bit I heard somewhere else already.

Posted by: Snath at August 6, 2009 12:11 PM

As I recall, in the original "Little Red Riding Hood", the wolf DID eat grandma (and I think LRR as well) until a woodsman came in and cut the wolf in two, releasing both Grandma and Little Red.

("What a big fucking MOUTH you have, grandma!"

Posted by: UncleJR at August 6, 2009 12:11 PM

"Gunsmoke" starring Plaxico Burress.

(I figure about five people here will get that joke.)

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at August 6, 2009 12:17 PM

In one of the oldest known Red Riding stories, grandma got eaten, and Red knew the wolf the moment she laid eyes on him. He tied her up by one ankle and got her into bed, and she said she had to relieve herself, and the wolf said to just do it in the bed. She insisted until the wolf let her out to use a tree, and she untied herself, tied the rope around the tree, and went home.

No woodsman. No rescue. Red had to do it herself. And lots more bathroom humor, because that's just never gone out of style.

Posted by: Tyburn Blossom at August 6, 2009 12:19 PM

And then didn't LRR, Grandma, and the woodsman fill up the wolf's belly with rocks?

I love the original Grimm's Cinderella, Aschenputtel, where the one of the step-sisters cuts off a piece of her ankle and the other her toe to fit in the shoe, and then eventually get their eyes pecked out. Rock on, morbid fairy tales!

Posted by: Julie at August 6, 2009 12:19 PM

Fatal Attraction was just remade with that "Obsessed" movie. So I'm going with that one as false. I thought "The Orphanage" was already being re-made. Good movie though, pretty scary and well made. Would make a great double feature with Del Toro's own ghost story "The Devil's Backbone" for anyone that hasn't seen them.

Speaking of "Little Red Riding Hood", any word at all on if "Fables" is still going to see the light of day on ABC? Haven't been able to find anything on it lately.

Posted by: TylerDFC at August 6, 2009 12:19 PM

If I may borrow from another classic bit of (bad) cinema....

"The Big Bad Wolf is EATING Grandma. And then he's gonna eat me. OMIGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHD!"

Posted by: bleujayone at August 6, 2009 12:23 PM

Throw me in the people pile that would be happy to see a LRRH movie.

Posted by: Eyvi at August 6, 2009 12:35 PM

Oh, nice. I'm spending the day with the kids and now you've made me fantasize about Monica Bellucci as Read Riding Hood. This is going to be awkward.

Posted by: admin at August 6, 2009 12:36 PM

I have to agree with admin (as usual), I just did a image search for Monica, and now I can't leave my desk at work. For a while. And there's three women in my office, so a sprint for the bathroom is gonna be a tough sell.

Posted by: Xtreme at August 6, 2009 12:48 PM

I would easily believe that Hollywood would remake Fatal Attraction, but a) that seems like the theme for Obsessed (except for tradin' Glenn Close for actressin' hotties), and b)the described plot of celebrity marriage falling apart because of the media has no real berring in our society. I mean, that would never happen. Right?

: sound of soul being crushed :

Posted by: Patty O'Green at August 6, 2009 12:49 PM

Honestly, I'm fine with any fairytale movie that embraces its morbid roots. In the original Snow White, the stepmother kill her 3 times (suffocates her by lacing her corset too tight, poisoned haircomb, and THEN poisoned apple). There's none of this "true love's kiss" crap - the Prince falls in love with dead Snow White and convinces the dwarves to let him take her, and Snow White revives when one of the servants carrying her coffin trips, dislodging the piece of apple caught in her throat. The story ends when the wicked stepmother is invited to the wedding in the neighboring kingdom. Her mirror tells her that the prince's bride is fairer than she is, and she is consumed with curiousity and goes. When she shows up, she's forced to put on a pair of iron slippers that had been heated in a forge til they were red hot, and dance until she dies! The End!

Posted by: Edith at August 6, 2009 12:52 PM

Just thought I'd point out - Del Toro didn't direct The Orphanage, he just produced it. First-time director Juan Antonio Bayona directed it.

Posted by: Dill The Devil at August 6, 2009 1:09 PM

One of my favorite fairy tales for morbid roots? The Juniper Tree, from the Grimm collection. Haven't heard of it? Because it's really hard to sterilize a story about a stepmother who decapitates her stepson, tricks her daughter into thinking she killed him, then cooks him and feeds him to his father, who declares dinner that night to be the best soup he ever had.

Don't worry, though. The kid got resurrected as a bird, gave his father a gold necklace, his sister a pair of pretty shoes, then dropped a millstone on his stepmother. And was brought back to life properly after squishing the old bitch.

Posted by: Tyburn Blossom at August 6, 2009 1:10 PM

Can I just say that everytime I read a news story that starts with Leonardo Dicaprio's production company, I get nervous? Not because they're bad or anything. But because they bought the rights to a Sirens of Titan movie a while back, and my friend and I had planned on collaborating on that screenplay ourselves someday. If they make it and cast Dicaprio, it'll be a disaster, both for Vonnegut fans, and for me personally.

Posted by: Christian H. at August 6, 2009 1:14 PM

"Gunsmoke" starring Plaxico Burress.

(I figure about five people here will get that joke.)

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at August 6, 2009 12:17 PM
---
1.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at August 6, 2009 1:26 PM

2.

Posted by: admin at August 6, 2009 1:33 PM

Edith -- that's awesome. I seem to remember vaguely hearing that a long long time ago.


Where did you read that? Where can I look that stuff up?


And just so my post is at least slightly on-topic: the picture of Monica Bellucci would have made me read this post no matter what. I resent you, Vincent Cassell!

Posted by: karstark at August 6, 2009 1:34 PM

3.

Posted by: Xtreme at August 6, 2009 1:41 PM

It's hard to ride a horse in sweatpants though.

Posted by: Dingle Berry at August 6, 2009 1:44 PM

karstark, that version of Snow White is increasingly common, but you can find a versin of it called Snow Drop in one of the colored fairy books by Andrew Lang, and in unabridged versions of the Grimm anthology. There are also versions where there's never a prince at all--just a bear that knocks over the casket.

There's also an excellent book called Fearless Girls, Wise Women & Beloved Sisters: Heroines in Folktales from Around the World by Kathleen Ragan that has a lot of old fairy tales, and I believe it includes that version of Snow White, as well as the old Cinderella/Aschenputtel, and the Little Red Riding Hood where the woodsman saving them is only the middle of the story (Red and Grandma faced down a second wolf alone and ended up with stew). There's also the version of Sleeping Beauty wherein the prince didn't bother waking the Sleeping Beauty...he just knocked her up and went on his way. One of the twins she birthed while still asleep sucked the poisoned spindle tip out of her finger, then she woke up and went after the prince, eventually saving his butt.

There are a lot of other good stories in that one, too.

Posted by: Tyburn Blossom at August 6, 2009 1:47 PM

4

Posted by: PissBoy at August 6, 2009 1:54 PM

colored fairy
---
Tyburn, that's so mid 20th century. The proper term today is "gay African-American."

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at August 6, 2009 1:55 PM

Because Plaxico smoked the Pats with that final catch in the SB? No? Well, then...

4.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at August 6, 2009 1:56 PM

, , actually, since I'm fairly sure it's in the Red Fairy Book, the proper term today may very well be "gay Native American."

Posted by: Tyburn Blossom at August 6, 2009 1:57 PM

Damnit Pissboy!

5.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at August 6, 2009 1:57 PM

Oh, and also, you can get all of Lang's fairy books and a few of his other works for free from the Gutenberg Project. I believe they also have the complete Grimm's, and my personal favorite, The 1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue, which is absurdly awesome in all kinds of ways.

Posted by: Tyburn Blossom at August 6, 2009 1:59 PM

6!

Posted by: Julie at August 6, 2009 1:59 PM

6!
Posted by: Julie at August 6, 2009 1:59 PM


Oh Julie, it's okay, we still love you.

Posted by: Xtreme at August 6, 2009 2:10 PM

6

Posted by: Mick J at August 6, 2009 2:13 PM

cock

Posted by: Mick J at August 6, 2009 2:14 PM

Hee!

Posted by: Julie at August 6, 2009 2:26 PM

A new Dark Crystal project has been in development for years now, so I don't understand how that was a lie. That doesn't mean it will ever get made, but it doesn't seem terribly likely that True Lies 2 is more than a case of Tom Arnold's mouthing off at this point. Is it the "remake" vs. "sequel" distinction that made it a lie, because I also thought they had been going back and forth on that point for the story's direction too?

I saw a Little Red Riding Hood retelling at a college short film festival a couple years back that was along those lines. It was the standout of the show for me.

Oh, as Dill The Devil pointed out, The Orphanage was a great film, but it was not directed by del Toro - only produced.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at August 6, 2009 2:34 PM

I wasn't as much into the Grimm tales as I was into books of Greek and Norse mythology. I used to have these big encyclopedia-looking things that had dozens of stories in them, and I practically wore those suckers out. Some of the stories had illustrations to go along with them, and I remember that they used to scare the shit out of me, especially the story with the seal-people. I'm going to see if I can find the picture online somewhere, or better yet, the actual book. Anyone else remember them?

Posted by: Snath at August 6, 2009 3:14 PM

Yeah, I'm still kind of confused about that too, Darth, because I read where James Cameron totally denied the True Lies thing.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at August 6, 2009 3:22 PM

I'm guessing the LRRH bit, just 'cos it seems like most of us would actually want to see that one (myself included).

Posted by: Nadha at August 6, 2009 3:32 PM

7.

Posted by: Spender at August 6, 2009 4:54 PM

^Snath--I wanna see some adaptations of Greek and Norse mythology also. Particularly the Norse stuff, that shit is raw.

I'm looking forward to the Thor movie in a big way. Closest thing. Of course they'll probably fuck it up.

Posted by: Justin at August 6, 2009 11:08 PM