Joel Schumacher — who destroyed the first Batman franchise, who obliterated a highly coveted script (The Phone Booth), who is responsible for the biggest box-office flop of 2010, I believe (Twelve), and who couldn’t direct a box of kittens to look cute — has apparently signed on to The Barry White Story, according to The Hollywood Cog. It’s not what you think (a Barry White biopic). It’s much, much, much worse. The pitch, which comes out of the Hollywood Gangs Production company, is in the vein of SHE’S OUT OF MY LEAGUE, and it’s about the ghost of Barry White teaching some loser kid how to channel him to get a girl. Criminy, people. Fucking criminy. It’s currently out to script-writing software.
Christian Slater — whose recent record with television series is so bad that he couldn’t get a box of kittens greenlit in a 6-year-old girl’s household — has signed on to the indie horror thriller, Playback. It’s about a sinister cop who is pivotal in exposing a small town’s deepest, darkest secret, which is unleashed when high school students unwittingly unlock an evil that preys upon their classmates. Oh, Hard-On Harry. (Variety)
Gillian Anderson (Nooo, Scully) and Dominic West (Nooo, McNulty) have joined the cast of Rowan Atkinson’s Johnny English Reborn. And noooo, I’m not kidding. (THR)
Tom Brady > Tim Riggins < Sawyer < Tom Brady = (Ugly Fours)
You like Gael Garcia Bernal? Do you like the sting of disappointment? Well, here you go folks: Feel the bitterness.
Lauren Ambrose — remember her? — has joined Paul Rudd, Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux in the cast of David Wain’s Wanderlust. Man, I used to have some serious wanderlust for Lauren Ambrose, circa Can’t Hardly Wait. She is still the hotterest. A hottie boom botty. Total hottery barn. (Variety)
FYI: As an illustrious reader, Melissa, reminds, the Red Riding trilogy is on Netflix Instant now. If you liked Zodiac, you’ll love these. I saw the first two, and am itching to catch up on the third. They are marvelous goddamn films. Plus, Paddy Considine and a good gander at Andrew Garfield, who will be your next Spider-man (don’t hold that against the Red Riding trilogy). (Netflix Instant)
John Mayer has cancelled his Twitter account, ending his relationship with his 3.7 million followers. This is news, people! I read it in the (Associated Press), therefore it must be. The thing about hard news, Associated Press, is this: Once you slide toward imbecility, you can never go back.
Each Time You Like, Share, Tweet or Stumble a Pajiba Post, An Angel Does the Paul Rudd Dance
Has anyone else shit on the face of a promising start quite like Kate Hudson? It's like she goes out of her way to only make movies that stole their premises from posters of fake films people see on sitcoms.
Seriously, Dustin, why this hatred of kittens? Must you juxtapose them - by the boxload no less - with the likes of Shumacher and his ilk? Take it back, or cat-lovers everywhere will hunt you down and make you watch the Garfield oeuvre on a 24hr loop.
Posted by: cinekat at September 14, 2010 9:46 AM
I know it's cliche to comment on the photoshop hatchetjobs that are movie posters today, but goddamn. They had to actually try to make Garcia Bernal look unattractive. And they succeeded. Feel free to shoot me now.
- Kate Hudson and Rainbow Killer must have potential scripts sent to the same P.O. Box because they make the same goddamned movie over and over and over again.
- Lauren Ambrose? Really? I would expect no less from a total gaymo.
- Speaking of questionably hot redheads, I loved watching Gillian Anderson struggle to harness her raw sexuality in "The X-Files." Some people just exude sex and she's definitely one of them. And her new movie might not be so bad. Maybe she'll rip West's clothes off and fuck him to death while Mr. Bean wins a 10%-off-happy-endings coupon at The Cambodian Humpshop and Vaginal Emporium for shattering the world record of 1,000,000 Who Farted Faces Performed On Film.
Posted by: Kballs at September 14, 2010 9:56 AM
Yeeeeeah, Lauren Ambrose in Can't Hardly Wait. Embry should have been with her, not stooooopid Aman-DUH with her stooooooopidly huge hair and cherub T-shirts. Play me out, Yazoo!
Looooking from a window aboooove, it's like a stoory of looooove. Can you heeeeear meee?
(I really love that movie and, yes, my shoes do serve an orthopedic function.)
Posted by: coveredinbees at September 14, 2010 9:57 AM
Jay: I second that, what the hell is "Twelve"?
I really like Kate Hudson but she has shit taste in movies. I did really like Fools Gold, though. Try watching it in the dead of winter, it's a pretty damn enjoyable sun-drenched-beautiful-people-and-scenery caper flick.
Posted by: TylerDFC at September 14, 2010 10:05 AM
This is Twelve. Prisco reviewed it last month. It made $186,000 at the box office, despite starring Chace Crawford, Emma Roberts, Kiefer Sutherland, and 50 Cent.
Posted by: Dustin Rowles at September 14, 2010 10:11 AM
This means Gillian Anderson gets to use her fake English accent in an actual film, guv'nah!
Posted by: sars at September 14, 2010 10:12 AM
I feel like you said something but it's not registering.
Dominic West, lest we forget, try as we might, also appeared in 300 looking ridiculous. "What the fuck did I do?" indeed.
If you look very closely at the Bernal poster you'll see a tiny skier schussing down his proboscis. (Which is a shame as I suspect many Pajibans would love the opportunity of just such a schuss, but not down his proboscis.)
I enjoyed the kitten theme, but I am violently allergic to them so the high-handed juxtapositioning of them with that gobshite Schumacher didn't irk me at all. I found it quite charming.
Posted by: Mrs. Julien at September 14, 2010 10:30 AM
I never thought Gillian was that pretty (I know, kill me, Pajibans), but she looks so beautiful in that picture.
Totally agree that Bernal looks a mess in that picture. Hey, if I were Kate Hudson I wouldn't want a guy that pretty next to me, either. Cute figure, but such a homely face.
Posted by: samantha t at September 14, 2010 11:06 AM
Is A Little Bit of Heaven actually a movie? Because I wanted to know exactly what the plot was (ONLY to know what depths of hell my dream beau #2 has sunk to, and seriously that poster and it's tagline give NO information) and IMDB'd both him and Hudson and there's literally nothing on it.
Which may be a relief...
Posted by: penelope at September 14, 2010 11:36 AM
It's called "Earthbound" on IMDB and features Whoopie Goldberg (black 'n' sassay!), Kathy Bates (fat 'n' sassay!) and Peter Dinklage (short 'n' sassay!). Shoot me now.
Posted by: coveredinbees at September 14, 2010 11:57 AM
After reading the review for "Twelve" it sounds exactly like the polar opposite of something I want to spend time watching. No wonder I had no recollection of this movie even existing.
Posted by: TylerDFC at September 14, 2010 12:02 PM
Oh, thanks coveredinbees.
"It's a comedy about a guarded woman who finds out she's dying of cancer, but when she meets her match, the threat of falling in love is scarier than death."
I do like how in one sentence, it manages to include the words "death", "threat", and "scarier." It almost made me forget that it's another How to Lose a Bride War in 10 Days.
Posted by: penelope at September 14, 2010 12:07 PM
Here's what puzzles me. Schumacher made "Lost Boys" back when he was just getting started, which is a thoroughly awesome movie that has even aged pretty well. He made a few other good flicks, too, but "Batman whatever" was his first really big budget movie, and he totally bricked it, and since then he's been crap on a stick. So what happened? Did his deal with Satan expire? Did he break the terms of his compact with the Powers That Be by accepting a big-budget film for glory and money, thereby nullifying his magic? Did he just lose his confidence after "Batman"? This guy made a couple of really solid films early on; sure, he's a punchline NOW, but I wanna know, WTF?
Posted by: Landon at September 14, 2010 12:21 PM
"It's a comedy about a guarded woman who finds out she's dying of cancer, but when she meets her match, the threat of falling in love is scarier than death."
...Do what now? NO IT ISN'T.
Posted by: Courtney at September 14, 2010 12:22 PM
Why is Kate Hudson's maw always hanging open? Is there something important in there? Ooh, is there gold in there?
Posted by: superasente at September 14, 2010 12:38 PM
Based on that movie poster, GGB should be playing a young Montgomery Burns...
Posted by: Sara Tonin at September 14, 2010 1:03 PM
...Do what now? NO IT ISN'T.
Depends on who you fall in love with. What if it's Satan? Or some serial torturer/murderer? Or Perez Hilton? Huh? Didn't think of that, did you smartypants.
Posted by: The Other Agent Johnson at September 14, 2010 1:51 PM
I wouldn't mind doing a little prospecting in there, superasente, if ya know what I mean.
(The hammer is my penis)
Posted by: The_wakeful at September 14, 2010 1:56 PM
Total hottery barn.
Is that a pun?
*checks yesterdays post about Pajibans hating puns*
Interestink. Vedy vedy interestink.
Posted by: Lauren at September 14, 2010 2:22 PM
sara tonin, i am in danger of being kicked out of my school library, your Burns comment has reduced me to hysterical giggling;
because it is so very true.
Posted by: idleprimate at September 14, 2010 2:26 PM
Denise Fleming is a tampon.
Posted by: TL at September 14, 2010 3:34 PM
Cripes that's a terrifying shot of Kate Hudson. She looks maniacal. No wonder GGB looks so uncomfortable- he's holding a TEETH MONSTER.
It's official: Gillian Anderson and Hugh Laurie switched careers sometime around 2003.
I believe Mephisto may have acted as intermediary.
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Has anyone else shit on the face of a promising start quite like Kate Hudson? It's like she goes out of her way to only make movies that stole their premises from posters of fake films people see on sitcoms.