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Everything You Need to Know about "Toddlers and Tiaras" with One Damning Image

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (57)

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It may also be instructive in formulating your opinion about this show — which tracks toddler beauty pageant contestants and their horrible, insane freak-show moms — to know that the daughter’s name is Honey Boo Boo and that her mother is an Extreme Coupon-er.

Honey Boo Boo, people.

Also, instead of building her daughter’s energy throughout the day with pixie stix (which is apparently the standard), the mother gives her Mt. Dew (or Mt. Dew like substance) she calls Go-Go Juice. And you sick Misery Night people enjoy the p*ss out of this, don’t you?

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That poor kid is f*cked for life.

(Source: Jezebel)









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Comments

Just to clarify;

Go-Go Juice = Mt. Dew + Red Bull

I hate myself for knowing this.
/commence flagellation

Posted by: AgileBeast at February 16, 2012 1:24 PM

christ.

Posted by: gp at February 16, 2012 1:24 PM

Dustin.
I'm really working on not feeling self-satisfied about not watching misery porn stuff like this.

You're not helping.

Posted by: Alabaster Salamander at February 16, 2012 1:26 PM

That child is going to grow up to eat all the babies. After she eats her "mother".

Posted by: lubeg at February 16, 2012 1:28 PM

I will now only refer to myself in the third person, and forever as Honey Boo Boo Fuck You.

Posted by: brian at February 16, 2012 1:28 PM

Is it a prerequisite to be morbidly obese and live vicariously through your child to be a Pageant Mom? Just wondering.

Posted by: Mae at February 16, 2012 1:29 PM

Has anybody ever followed up on these kids later in life?

Posted by: mograph at February 16, 2012 1:30 PM

That show is so depressing that I usually can't finish an episode. I feel so simultaneously disgusted, sad, and stunned that it just overwhelms me. It's so alien to me that a parent could so actively sexualize their own child.

Posted by: Sassafrass Green at February 16, 2012 1:31 PM

To be fair, this is a particularly egregious example. There are some here and there who seem relatively normal, and the kids are having a good time.

....I cannot even believe I just defended this show. Jesus.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at February 16, 2012 1:32 PM

If I grabbed a child off the streets, made them dress in freakish outfits that I sewed together, forced them to dance like a trained monkey stripper for money, fed them nothing but sugar, psychologically brow beat the into submission and had it all videotaped for personal profit, depending on where I was when I was arrested, I would be awarded either the express lane for a lifetime imprisonment at my local Super-Max as the train conductor for Cell Block C or win a reserved parking spot on the lethal injection crucifix.

But if it's my own child not only is it apparently legal, but it's a weekly reality show too.

Posted by: bleujayone at February 16, 2012 1:40 PM

I've never seen a minute of any of these shows, but really now, you're even censoring the word "piss" on Pajiba? EXASPERATED SIGH. Just SAY THE WORDS. Piss. PISS! MOTHERFUCKING PISS SHIT DICKHOLE!

Doesn't that feel so much better? I know I feel better.

Posted by: Stacey at February 16, 2012 1:40 PM

She looks like Chucky.

Posted by: HappyGobo at February 16, 2012 1:41 PM

How is that mother even a person? Does it actually do things that real people do?

Posted by: Muffin at February 16, 2012 1:44 PM

That is the truest headline Dustin has ever written. It could be none more true.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at February 16, 2012 1:45 PM

Are you fucking shitting me? End times, y'all, end times.

Behold the whores of Babylon.

Posted by: dammitjanet at February 16, 2012 1:46 PM

Mr. Show's "Prenatal Pretties" pageant (and its ensemble of lowlifes) called this shit out years ago... sad this horrible spectacle is still alive and well...

Posted by: Django at February 16, 2012 1:50 PM

I cannot tell you how terrified I am by this phenomenon. Death of the American brain. You saw it here first, Friends.

Posted by: LurkeyTurkey at February 16, 2012 1:51 PM

Did anyone ever read The Dark Knight Returns? Because that little girl looks exactly like the Joker's murder-dolls. Just sayin', beware.

Posted by: =DocDoom= at February 16, 2012 1:55 PM

I just realized I am the best parent on this entire blighted planet. I actually feel really really good right now.

Posted by: klingonfree at February 16, 2012 1:57 PM

So, if she feeds her kid nothing but Mountain Dew and Red Bull, the kid is going to wind up... as fat as her mother. And she's not going to be winning any beauty pageants once she's past puberty.

Also, I fear for humanity.

Posted by: MM at February 16, 2012 2:10 PM

My mom put me in one beauty pageant when I was a kid. There was one little pageant brat there who was biting and pinching all the other little kids because her mom told her it would make the other little kids cry and look ugly. Her MOTHER told her to do this.

Anyway, when all us little kids were out on stage doing their thing, she turned around and pinched me. And I punched her right the fuck out in front of God and everyone.

Needless to say, mom didn't put me in any more beauty pageants. But she did put me in karate, which I enjoyed infinitely more.

Posted by: dahlia6 at February 16, 2012 2:14 PM

Why exactly are you whoring this show out and giving it the least bit of attention, since you and everyone else here obviously loathes it? Are y'all too vapidly stupid to understand that giving shit like this attention and time just helps to spread it to other people, some of whom may turn the fucking show on, which of course means increased ratings, which means more episodes and a renewal for the next 9 years.

Dustin you cannot tell me there wasn't some bullshit movie you could have reviewed instead of giving attention to this junk.

Posted by: Canflam at February 16, 2012 2:25 PM

dahlia6 you and your mom are my new heroes.

Posted by: dammitjanet at February 16, 2012 2:25 PM

DAMN YOUR EYES!


Doesn't that feel so much better? I know I feel better.

Another great way to get relief? P*ssing.

Posted by: branded at February 16, 2012 2:27 PM

You can already see the effect of a red bull, pixie stick and mountain dew diet on that poor kid. The "mother" is fucking repugnant. Who watches this shit? Just asking, because it seems to me that the audience is part of the problem.

Posted by: jon29 at February 16, 2012 2:43 PM

Dear God, that child needs to stop going out for beauty pageants and get into a career acting in horror movies. That kid freaks me the hell out. I know it is not her fault and her "Mom" pimped her that way, but seriously, she is freaking me out.

Posted by: Green Eggs and Hamster at February 16, 2012 2:51 PM

Awl you elitist, liberal Northern folk can fuck off and get hung. HONEY BOO BOO CHILD is a national treasure and you are all jus jealous. Wen she done wins Miss Teen Pennzoil you are all goin to look like fools.

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at February 16, 2012 2:58 PM

I don't say this in defense of the show, but it appears her name is actually Alana and not Honey Boo Boo. Honey Boo Boo is how she refers to the viewer. I think.

I will admit I went through a phase of watching this show, but I quit cold turkey when I realized (duh) it was not a beneficial experience.

Posted by: pickled tink at February 16, 2012 3:07 PM

dahlia6 I think I love you.

Posted by: mswas at February 16, 2012 3:18 PM

That child is an Old One given flesh.

Posted by: Aislinn at February 16, 2012 3:22 PM

That poor child's parents are a disgrace. It is obvious that they have given her so much caffeine (and maybe other drugs) that she literally cannot sit still. If I had that much caffeine (in proportion to my body weight), I would vibrate off this plane of existence. But, what's even worse is that the child is SIX YEARS OLD and she can barely even form coherent words. The producers have to subtitle the poor child like she's speaking a foreign language. That family doesn't need pageants, they need help. If there is a responsible adult at that child's school, upon viewing this episode they will recommend that those parents receive counseling and that the poor kid go to some sort of therapy. When a parent prioritizes pageants to the point that they drug their child with caffeine and neglect basic communication skills, there is something wrong.

Posted by: stardust at February 16, 2012 3:52 PM

What the fuck?!?! In order to adopt my same-sex partner and I have to be lambasted and grilled for months-years while this fucking idiot gets to pump out as many babies as she wants and mentally abuse the shit out of them and of course is never held to any account. GAH GAH GAH GAH

Posted by: Rita at February 16, 2012 3:58 PM

Aislinn, not the child. The mother. She is Shub-Niggurath, The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young. The child is obviously one of the young.

Seriously, how is that not child abuse?

Posted by: FabMax at February 16, 2012 4:04 PM

And people ask me why I don't watch reality TV...I now have the response, "So I will never see images like this!"

Posted by: Adam C at February 16, 2012 4:23 PM

Why has she stolen all the chins?? Why?

Posted by: ZombieMedic at February 16, 2012 4:24 PM

I ask this seriously out of curiosity and not to be mean, but is this a lot more of a THING in the south? Because so many of the pageants and contestants seem to be southern. I know it's not only the south (Jon Benet Ramsey RIP was from Michigan) but it seems to be just a natural thing down there as opposed to say, soccer for little girls or ballet. Again, just asking. No judgment*

*No judgment on the South that is, plenty of judgment on the parents.

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 16, 2012 4:29 PM

Ok, but for real, do NOT lump us Misery Nighters into this shit. We only like watching ADULTS in diapers and slurring their words, while jacked up on "Go-Go Juice" (or meth, whichever). This is even below our standards, thankyouverymuch, Mr. Man.

PS: I'll give you cash money if you name one of those twins "Honey Boo Boo".

Posted by: Lainey at February 16, 2012 4:40 PM

Oooh! We should have a "name Dustin's kids" contest on Pajiba.

Audio Science? Pilot Inspektor? Heavenly Hirani Tiger Lily? PFFFFFT. We can come up with something more original that that. TWO somethings, no less.

Posted by: MM at February 16, 2012 5:08 PM

I...don't...what...I'm...God, I feel so dirty right now. Like someone just took a shit on my soul. I'm now going to watch videos of baby otters for the next 5 hours.

Where's TK when you need him?

Posted by: Joker at February 16, 2012 5:57 PM

"Honee Preshus" and "Pookie" Rowles.

Posted by: Craig at February 16, 2012 5:59 PM

I want a Mongol horde for Christmas. Jesus In Jodhpurs, we need another wave of barbarian invasions to clean this dreck out.

Posted by: The Wanderer at February 16, 2012 6:00 PM

There's a mother in our play group who has been putting her 3 year old daughter in pageants for the last year or so. She constantly spouts about how she's helping little Bella (hey, guess who's a Twilight fan?!) develop a positive self image and help earn prize money to go towards college. She happened to divulge that her family had spent upwards of $20k in the last year on pageants (costume, travel, kindtertrollop lessons, whatever) and they've won about $5k in prizes. They had to borrow cash to pay for Bella's birthday party because they're so far in the hole for this pageant shit.

Little Bella comes to play group but she doesn't actually play with the other kids. She'll try to herd the other girls to "rehearse" with her but when they want to go play on the jungle gym or whatever, she throws an unholy tantrum of reality show proportions.

I feel bad for her; she has no connection with the other kids and her mother is painfully selfish.

Posted by: monkeyhateclean at February 16, 2012 6:37 PM

(in Southern accent)
LaQuifa Garaj and ZZ Peasup Rowles

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at February 16, 2012 7:12 PM

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell Okay, I'll play too.

Ahmayunique Snowphlayke & Ducques Allynna Rowles

Posted by: bleujayone at February 16, 2012 8:17 PM

"Honee Preshus" and "Pookie" Rowles.

When I was little, my dad used to call me Pookie, after Garfield's teddy bear. True story.

Posted by: MM at February 16, 2012 8:32 PM

What the fuck?!?! In order to adopt my same-sex partner and I have to be lambasted and grilled for months-years while this fucking idiot gets to pump out as many babies as she wants and mentally abuse the shit out of them and of course is never held to any account. GAH GAH GAH GAH

Posted by: Rita at February 16, 2012 3:58 PM


I'm not so much bugged with having some standards before we decide to legally support and indeed fund someone's union. I'm very bugged that so many seem to get subsidized simply by claiming a union based on inserting tab A into slot B vs. the other variations.

The ability to breed has little to do with the talent needed to deal with breeding's aftermath. Indeed, these seem to be negatively correlated.

A modest proposal ...

- If anyone wants the rest of us to subsidize (Say, with legal protections & tax breaks.) their union, it's issue, or any other random issue they happen to pick up, we get a say in how they do the unioning, issuing, bio-accessory shopping & how they care for the same.

- Anyone who's competent in the unioning, issuing, & etc. gets the breaks.

- Anyone we subsidize for a while who blows it, we get our money back.

Also, "breeding's aftermath" is my new term of incitement for new parents' precious snowflakes.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at February 16, 2012 10:07 PM

What Lainey said. We have standards, dammit.

Posted by: Melody at February 17, 2012 12:09 AM

THE HARPOONS...MAN THEM!

Posted by: Salad_Is_Murder at February 17, 2012 12:46 AM

Sweet Rowles.

Crescent Rowles.

... Now that I look at it, I like Crescent.

Posted by: , at February 17, 2012 1:58 AM

Kill it with fire!
Oh, and the big one too,

Posted by: Mud at February 17, 2012 4:42 AM

Tootsie Rowles

Spring Rowles

Posted by: Uriah Creep at February 17, 2012 6:19 AM

Rickie Rowles

Rocque-Ann Rowles

Posted by: Kati at February 17, 2012 8:12 AM

Oh, she's just happy and enjoying life! Let the girl have fun. You go girl!

Posted by: Protoguy at February 17, 2012 10:46 AM

If we were still allowed to call women fat on this website i would call the mother fat and the daughter pre-fat with great potential to be fat. But unfortunately we can't call women fat on this website anymore.
Thank you for your time

Posted by: Whipple "Whip" Hoxworth at February 17, 2012 10:53 AM

Can we take a moment to address the most tragic part of this post?

Why the hell is the mom wearing SOCKS with SANDALS?!

Obviously, this fashion faux pas is much more egregious than drugging a children with sugary, energy drinks and forcing her into overly sexualized costumes.

Posted by: Ruthie at February 17, 2012 11:40 AM

I have rarely felt so much immediate hostility for a human face as what I'm experiencing looking at her mother's self satisfied smirk right now.

I am actually dizzy from it...it's that bad

Posted by: frank at February 17, 2012 1:06 PM

Ruthie-
I think she's wearing socks with sandles because she's supposed to be done up like her daughter, and all the little girls wear those awful socks with the frilly tops with all their footwear. Since they thankfully don't make those in size "cankle" they just had to make due with regular socks. Or her ankle fat ate the frill because of how it looks something like whipped topping... I just made myself gag

Posted by: abcd at February 17, 2012 6:30 PM