End of Days
The Daily Trade Round-Up / The TV Whore
Aug. 22, 2007
Trade News | August 22, 2007 | Comments (70)
… I think I’m losing the energy to keep doing these damn write-ups. And frankly, I don’t think it matters for much longer anyway. I mean sure, it’s awesome news that lovely, lovely Kristen Bell is joining “Heroes” for a 13-episode arc, where she’ll play “a sexy and mysterious young lady who has ties to” several of the other characters, and a power of her own. And yes, even though the show’s quality has gone downhill, I’m still happy that HBO gave “Entourage” a fifth season (and though I’m not a fan of “Flight of the Conchords,” I know many of you are, so you’ll be happy to know that it’s getting a sophomore season). And I think it is a positive sign that the end of “American Idol” might finally be in sight — a distant glimmer though it may be — with Simon Cowell’s announcement that he’s quitting after the show’s 2010 run.
But then … well, things take a decided turn for the worst.
Remember how I raised my fists in anger at Fox last week? Well just as my arms went down, they shot right the fuck back up again thanks to the network’s patented Ryan Seacrest Double Whammy. First, Fox has decided to have this son of a bitch host September’s Emmy Awards, thereby completing the Award Show’s long fall into complete and total meaningless drivel. Of course I’ll always watch the Emmys anyway, which is why I’m just sick that I’ll have to suffer through Seacrest as the frigging host. But I’d willingly pay him to host the Emmys if he would back out of his other new gig as the pregame and halftime host for a red carpet entertainment Whatever during Fox’s broadcast of this year’s Super Bowl. I mean: For. Fuck’s. Sake. This is often the single best day of the year, and now I have to deal with Seacrest and a red carpet? You know, I’m glad that things aren’t running smooth over on the set of “24” (the show just announced its second production delay while the writers try to figure out what the hell they’re doing). I hope Fox dies.
And actually, the one positive thing to come out of this next story is that Fox, along with the rest of the world, might very well be on the precipice of That Dark Night because I honestly think Donald Trump is trying to bring about the Apocalypse. You see, names are now starting to come out regarding the celebs signed on to his celebrity edition of “The Apprentice” and they’re about what you’d expect — Jim Cramer (the “Mad Money” douchebag), Carmen Electra, Joan Rivers, Naomi Judd, George Foreman, Tony Hawk, Jeff Gordon, Pete Rose and Omarosa. Pretty terrible, although it’s truthfully a touch higher up on the “celebrity” list than I actually expected (except for Kimora Lee Simmons, who I’m guessing may be Gene Simmons’ wife, but I’m too lazy to Google her [It’s actually Russell Simmons’ wife, but I bet they swap sometimes. — DR]). But where’s s the connection to the Apocalypse, you ask?
Well it seems that Trump is trying to unleash the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. He’s already got Death, of course, in the form of Joan Rivers.
Filling the role of War, she who leaves a path of destruction and chaos behind her, Trump lays this on us: “We’re negotiating with Britney right now.”
Pestilence is a no brainer, of course — Trump says that Paris reportedly wants to be on the show and he’s thinking about it (while her people deny this, the fact that she’s already reportedly joining the UK version of “Big Brother” lends support to to what we already know, which is that she’s an attention whore who will take whatever she can get).
Which leaves only Famine. And yessir, Trump wants to complete the triumvirate of Those Whose Names We Dare Not Speak. He’s planning to ask Lindsay — who’s too busy drinking to bother eating (see what I did there for the Famine connection?) — to join the show because she’s “another fucking mess [and] it would be a positive thing for her to do.”
Now I don’t really think he’s going to pull all three in, but I also wouldn’t be all that shocked if it were to happen. And if it does, we’re talking the End of Motherfucking Times here, people.
You know, I was also going to use this roundup to tell you about NBC’s smart plan to make four fall pilots (for “Chuck,” “Bionic Woman,” “Journeyman” and “Life”) freely available on almost every major cable system’s on-demand network (and possible on DirecTV as well) from September 10 until the on-air premiere dates. And then there’s the news that HBO has signed Ben Karlin (a former writer and exec producer for “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report”) to a nice production deal giving him broad freedom to do whatever he wants. But it just doesn’t matter. This shit is all for naught. Between Donald Trump and Ryan Seacrest, the seas are about to boil over, and I’m ready to just jump in and end it all.
See you in the deep end.
Seth Freilich is Pajiba’s television editor. He’s planning to give Kirk Cameron a call to see if it ain’t too late to save his soul and get in on some of that Rapture business.
Comments
Posted by: Ms. Parker at August 22, 2007 8:25 AM
See...this is why I don't own a TV anymore it's just far too depressing.