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Torture Porn, 14 Kids, Six of One, Half Dozen of the Other

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (13)

eli.jpg

It’s fun to watch a train plow along in slow motion so that you can actually pick the precise point at which it jumps clean off the tracks.

According to an interview with SciFi Wire, Eli Roth is developing a sci-fi film called Endangered Species which he intends to make PG-13 instead of R. OK, that might force him to have a story besides “and then the dude cuts her boobs off,” we’re with you so far, Eli.

He goes on to say “I watched Close Encounters and Jurassic Park. Really, Close Encounters, that’s the movie. I love that movie.” Nice, dropping some good titles that illustrate science fiction done right, we’re still with you.

“I wanted to do something a little scarier, a little more Jurassic Park, Transformers, Cloverfield. I love those movies.”

Transformers? Ladies and gentlemen, the train has taken flight.

In other science fiction horror news, Fox will be airing a two hour special on Octomom on August 19th. Fox president of something (seriously how many of these do they have? Every trade news article quotes a different studio VP of something and they’re never seen again. I think studio VPs are made of spam, electrodes and spray tan but can only be used for three days before the maggots hatch and they’re melted down into cat food) Mike Darnell noted that Fox has put away a six-figure sum for Octomom’s children, “even though we have no legal obligation to do so.” Well, every time I do anything nice from now on, I’m going to emphasize that I did it despite a lack of legal obligation.

The world was a more innocent place back when crazy people did insane things like popping out 14 kids just for the chance of getting a mention in the grainy newsprint of the annual “Guiness Book of World Records.” Now they do it in order to cash in on tabloid celebrity. Money ruins everything.









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Comments

Good Godtopus, Steven.
Most everything that I do not care about in one post.
Thank you for leavening this with some SLW humor, or I might have just gone ahead and turned on the gas.

Posted by: Spender at August 11, 2009 8:08 PM

Eli Roth doesn't even have a brain. If you were to bi-sect his head, you would open a black hole. That's how empty his mind is. If Inglorious Basterds does indeed suck, it will all be Eli Roth's fault.

Posted by: George at August 11, 2009 8:28 PM

You know I'm going to have eight kids, that's right, I'm going to have eight kids. They're going to come out of my ass.

I'm going to put the video on the internet and once the story reaches the papers I'm going to cash in on a new non-celebrity status and make as much money off of it as I can.

Then, to pay for the eight little fucking shit turds I just had I'm going to get into gay porn. My gimmick will be the fact that since my asshole is now gaping big enough to fuck a semi-truck I'm going to let the gay men actually climb inside of it and jerk off with reckless adandon.

To top it off I'm going to let Eli Roth film it. He can call it Gaping Ass of Horror with costar Feist. It will be his highest grossing film to date.

At the end I will change my features to look like a really large Angelina Jolie, because that will totally make me look better.

Posted by: Deistbrawler at August 11, 2009 9:12 PM

I stopped reading as soon as I saw the word "FOX".

Posted by: John W at August 11, 2009 10:29 PM

Wow. No one does rage like Deist. Well done.

Posted by: figgy at August 11, 2009 11:41 PM

Damn, Deist... front-runner for this week's EE award, I'd say.

Posted by: Spender at August 12, 2009 1:04 AM

ok, what the fuck is up with the continue to site Hardee's break media ad.

Posted by: laredo at August 12, 2009 1:47 AM

Wanna join a hot and heated forum that discusses the truth about these big stars?
____Tallloving C om____ has lots of sports fans there! besides, it's hot models, milfs, sexy chick s and handsome young men and chicks mingle club!!LOL checka!!

Posted by: ohhh at August 12, 2009 2:24 AM

Deist - I think that goatse.cx is available should you need a domain for your new gaping hole.

Posted by: UncleJR at August 12, 2009 8:01 AM

I volunteer to be an egg donor for Deist's butt-tuplets.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits (aka Dangle McGee) at August 12, 2009 9:51 AM

I'm a feminist and I think Eli Roth's movies are hilarious. I don't understand how people can put him in the same class as those awful Saw movies. I didn't see the second Hostel, but I loved the first one and had a blast seeing it in the theater (except for listening to the crying baby in the audience. Some people should just be sterilized). And frankly I thought all the porny stuff was an accurate depiction of what dumbass American college kids do in Europe. They get blitzed out of their minds and fuck the local hookers until their trust funds run out. In a perfect world, those types of American assholes would get tortured to death in an abandoned warehouse, so I found the whole thing quite satisfying.

I LOVED Cabin Fever (I was sold as soon as Cerina Vincent rammed her boyfriend up the ass). Again, a cast of completely unlikeable characters all die horrible deaths and you get a few good chuckles along the way. What's not to like about that?? If and when "Thanksgiving" ever comes out I'll be first in line.

Posted by: snarla at August 12, 2009 10:38 AM

Mike Darnell of Fox is responsible for some of the worst atrocities shat upon us over many years.

Yet, he is also extremely cute and quite personable.

I always feel so conflicted.

Posted by: Drake at August 12, 2009 11:04 AM

Godtopus? Octomom? Oh...

Have we finally reached Unification? The female counterpart to His Highness? Hmmmm. God and Mom, and the Octopus. Sounds like a 80s cartoon band with God on guitar, Mom on vocals, and the Octopus on (of course) the drums. Groovy.

Posted by: noah at August 13, 2009 10:36 AM