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July 3, 2008 | Comments ()


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Elementary, My Dear Pajiba

The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | July 3, 2008 | Comments ()


It’s July 3rd, folks — what sort of fascist organization do you work for that you can’t make a super-long weekend of the holiday? God knows today’s round-up isn’t going to give you anything that would’ve made the trip into the office worth it, and you know you’re not going to get anything done today, so what the hell are you still doing humping your cubicle? At least for those unfortunate bastards stuck in the office, I do have good news to offer: There’s a double shot of the boozehound this afternoon, to whet your tonsils for the cheap, domestic varieties of alcohol that come in a can and are served from a cooler, of which many of you will partake of tomorrow. Drink up, but remember: Cheap beer and hours of sun are almost certain to give you a Level III hangover before you even get a chance to pass out.

Moving on: Sherlock Holmes: The Movie is on tap for you good folks, brought to you by Columbia Pictures. The cast: Sacha Baron Cohen as Sherlock and Will Ferrell as his trusty sidekick, Dr. Watson. Judd Apatow is producing, but then again, he produces most comedies these days, and his name is absolute no guarantee that it will not suck. The writer: Etan Cohen, he who penned the Idiocracy script, as well as the screenplay for the forthcoming Tropic Thunder. No director has yet been attached, but given the casting, there’s just as much chance that it will suck sweaty moustache as there is that it will prompt you to laugh your cock off. My biggest concern is that Sherlock Holmes shouldn’t be made into a comedy; David Fincher ought to take the reigns and hire a coupla distinguished geezers and light the m’fer in shadows and do Arthur Conan Doyle justice, but then that would go against everything that a proper studio stands for.

And speaking of Idiocracy: The only overrated director in Hollywood who is actually underrated, Mike Judge, has lined up his next project: Extract, about a dude (Jason Bateman) who owns an industrial flower-extract company. Our disgruntled hero is facing an abundance of issues, including a workplace run amok and a cheating wife, played by Kristen Wiig. Mila Kunis will play a plant employee/possible love interest. Unfortunately, that’s all the news you get on this project. If I were to reveal any more, I’d have my credentials taken away. Oh, wait: I have no credentials. Thanks a lot, Online Movie Critics Society: Sure, the religious nut with a hard-on for Tim Allen movies, a distaste for R-Rated films, and a website apparently created by geocities gets your approval, but you won’t let in the guy who likes to use a lot of profanity? Eat an anus.

Shrink stars Kevin Spacey as a burnt-out therapist who turns to a pothead played by “Friday Night Lights’” Jesse Plemons to get the hook-up. Sounds an awful lot like The Wackness, a movie those of you in L.A. and NYC ought to be seeing this weekend instead of Hancock, since the former will make your fingertips sing (review coming on Monday, compliments of Prisco, who drops more movie references than Mike D drops rhymes), while the latter tastes like bull sperm. And nobody likes the taste of bull sperm, except for cows that swallow.

Pissboy passes along word that Eddie Murphy is considering retirement. Really? Could he do it before Meet Dave is released next week, and can he retire that goddamn film before it hits screens? If he wants to do something to improve his legacy on his way out the door, he ought to use all the money he’s made living inside of prosthetic fat suits and buy up the rights to Meet Dave, bury the original underneath a natural gas line, and light a match up in that motherfucker, taking himself right along with the film. Potentially, the good news, however, about his possible retirement is that Beverly Hills IV won’t be produced, which is a double-edged sword, actually, since poor Judge Reinhold will have to continue his minimum wage job as a bull sperm taster for swallowing cows. Pauvre Guignol.

Blog-crush Karina over at Spout brings us brilliant news: Huey Lewis will be supplying the theme song to Seth Rogen and James Franco’s Pineapple Express. Fun Fact: My first cassette was Huey Lewis’ Sports, a Christmas present from my father, along with El Debarge and a couple of other tapes he bought me from the Columbia House Casette and Record Club for a shiny penny (plus s/h). It is so hip to be square, folks.

Question of the Day: Who supplied the better soundtrack songs in the 80s? Huey Lewis or Kenny Loggins? If you said Huey Lewis, give yourself a swift punch in the genital area while I remind you that Loggins performed the theme songs for Over the Top, Top Gun, Footloose and his best: Caddyshack.

A “Friends” movie? It’s the latest scuttlebutt, thanks to the success of the Sex and the City movie. And you know what? A Friends movie would totally blow, but I can’t say I wouldn’t look forward to it, just a little. Damnit, I really liked those characters — the last few seasons sucked ping-pong pubes, but if you could somehow recapture the magic of the seasons three through five in the big screen format (an almost impossible task), it’d totally be worth matinee prices at the discount theater.

There’s some news about Tom Cruise landing another movie, but honestly, I just don’t have the energy. Off to the trailer watch:

First up: The teaser for Babylon A.D., which stars Vin Diesel as a large, muscle-bound guy who occasionally takes off his shirt and speaks with a manly voice that belies the worst-kept secret in Hollywood: Diesel loves the cock. It’s true. I heard it on the Internet. And since you’re also reading it on the Internet, it’s doubly confirmed. And why not? Shout it out, Vin. From the rooftops, buddy. We’re here for you. If The Rock can finally come out of the closet and keep his massive fan base, there’s no reason you can’t, captain. And the two of you would make a really cute couple, though there’s no way I’d volunteer for catcher in that relationship. Wow. Talk about a wicked fastball.

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And once the two of them finally consummate their relationship, what better way to celebrate than to take in a chick-flick. Here’s the trailer for Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants: 2, because I, too, want a pair of jeans that makes my ass look like Blake Lively’s, cause then I’d just stay at home all day and gnaw on my own ass. Here it is, kids:

Oh, I wouldn’t send you folks into the holiday weekend like that. I don’t think I could live with myself. Here’s a special trailer, just for those of you who’ve got the Thursday blues. You’ll thank me for it later, in a dark alley. In the middle of the night. With a switchblade. Eat it up:




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