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Well, Looks That Apocalypse Is Gonna Happen

Whether We Like It or Not / Daniel Carlson

Trade News | February 17, 2009 | Comments (28)

The Hardy Men.

Get it? It’s what would happen if the Hardy Boys grew up. Some people are tempted to call this high-concept; these people are wrong. The film has been building steam for a while, with Ben Stiller and Tom Cruise set to star as the title characters and Shawn Levy (Night at the Museum) attached to direct. Given the team involved, it’s probably going to involve a lot of cheesy effects, bad jokes, and Stiller and Cruise in matching sweaters.

The news this week is that the film has attached a writer: Ed Solomon, whose credits include Men in Black and Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Solomon seems like an amiable guy, who taught us that San Dimas High School football rules, and I’m almost sorry he had to get dragged into this. His involvement might — might — provide a spark of life in the screenplay that could elevate the project slightly beyond the realm of idiocy for which it seems destined. Then again, this is the guy who wrote Super Mario Bros., so I could be talking out of my ass. Either way, it means that there’s no getting around the fact that this movie is gonna get made, as much as you and I might hope and pray that it won’t.

Ah, what the hell, here’s a clip:









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Comments

So who's dyeing his hair? Seriously, the most significant thing I remember about the Hardy Boys books is that Frank had black hair and Joe was blond.

The early Hardy Boys were lame, like "who burned down Farmer Sam's windmill, was it a ghost?" Scooby Doo stupid, except played seriously. Imagine if they just gave Fred a show by himself and you've got the Hardy Boys. But then the Hardy Boys Case Files came out and they were all terrorists and spies and car bombs. They were the bomb, yo.*

*I have been assured by 10 year old Buffy episodes that this is how edgy and cool teens talk, yo.

Posted by: stipe42 at February 17, 2009 12:43 PM

I have no idea who The Hardy Boys are so I am rather indifferent to the making of the movie. The Cruise/Stiller pairing has given me cause for concern however.

I dare you to look at the photo at the top of the page and not get a bit punchy. I'm going to go kick an orphan now.

Posted by: admin at February 17, 2009 12:51 PM

I assume the female leads in this movie will be pulled from the offspring of the "Willow" movie set.....I'm just sayin....

Posted by: Heather B! at February 17, 2009 12:54 PM

It took all my powers of concentration to not go all Scanners at "The Hardy Men."

I may be coming down with a migraine now, but at least my brain is still in my head.

Posted by: Robert at February 17, 2009 12:56 PM

Do the Hardy Men have anything to do with the Brawny Man? Or is that the planned sequel?

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 17, 2009 1:07 PM

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.

Posted by: Clee Shay at February 17, 2009 1:10 PM

As a bonus, Mr. Carleson's posting of that Bill & Ted clip has inspired me to re-introduce the belly-shirt into mainstream apparel. I have checked with members of my staff and my loved ones and they assure me that it is entirely appropriate for a thirty-one year old man with a beer belly and treasure trail to wear them.

In fact, they tell me it may be even more sexy now than when I wore them in the eighties. Apparently my body is much more mature now and I could fill it out alot better.

Posted by: admin at February 17, 2009 1:13 PM

I've never read any of The Hardy Boys books, so I'll just be righteously indignant on behalf of those of you who have.

Damn Hollywood! Raping our childhood memories! Even if they're not really memories from our personal childhood but rather a collective idealized childhood we all like to imagine existed for someone, somewhere, even if it wasn't us! How could Tom Cruise and Ben Stiller think that their success as movie stars gives them the right to co-opt that individual's cherished vision of these stories, which as I understand it weren't that great in the first place, to make a movie that will inevitably be reasonably profitable? How dare they!

Uh... shoot, my indignation appears to be broken. I'm gonna go work on that.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at February 17, 2009 1:13 PM

Where is the Tom Swift movie? Fantastic inventions, danger and adventure, evil villians, and more homoerotic subtext than you can shake a stick at! Damn it, I read the wrong crappy books as a kid.

Posted by: MrCreosote at February 17, 2009 1:16 PM

It's all about the packaging for me at this point, they all look so nice, with the pulp-style cover paintings (Nancy Drew looks good too, I just don't like yellow that much, which detracts from the paintings). The nouveau paperback series aren't quite as thrilling as objects.

Posted by: Jay at February 17, 2009 1:19 PM

Posted by: stipe42 at February 17, 2009 12:43 PM

Nobody ever said "They were the bomb, yo" on an episode of Buffy. Ever.

I'm just saying.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at February 17, 2009 1:19 PM

Dude, I'm so over Lincoln. Taft is where it's at.

Posted by: jM at February 17, 2009 1:21 PM

YES! YESYESYESYESYESYESYES! OMG!!! You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this! NO IDEA! Hardy Boys are the goddam greatest, man - THE. GREATEST! Jesus, I'm gonna have a stork here... I JUST WROTE STORK! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - I menat DAMMIT! - I meant "stroke"... Holy shit, I'm stoked about this.... Joe and Frank? As adults? Why hasn't anybody grabbed hold of this idea until now? Fuck Wolverine. Fuck Watchmen. Fuck Inglorious Basterds. The Hardy MEN is where it 's at!

Holy shit, I'm crying at my desk...

Any rumors about who they're getting to play Frank Hardy, their brilliant father? Jesus, so many possibilities swimming around in my head... Or AUNT FRIGGIN' GERTRUDE?! She could carry an entire series based solely on her whackadoo antics! Or Callie and Iola, the platonic girlfriends? Talk about bonersville! I'd cut off a friggin' finger to see how they turned out - pleasebehotandexperimentalandopentonudityandbabyoil. God, how cool would it be if they continued the Mystery of the Spiral Bridge? Can you fucking imagine? CAN YOU?! Holy shit, there's an entire library of source materi...

Wait. Who? Ben Stiller and Tom Cruise? For reals? Huh...

AAAAAAAAAA
WWWWWWWW
EEEEEEEEEEEEE
SSSSSSSSSSSSS
OOOOOOOOO
MMMMMMMM
EEEEEEEEEEEEE
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Skitz at February 17, 2009 1:27 PM

AvB: Yes, but Faith said "yo" for emphasis frequently, which was my highlighted young hip verbiage. I'm totally going to say "yo" after every sentence today. It'll be annoying as hell, but I don't particularly mind annoying people at work, yo.

Posted by: stipe42 at February 17, 2009 2:07 PM

I have checked with members of my staff and my loved ones and they assure me that it is entirely appropriate for a thirty-one year old man with a beer belly and treasure trail to wear them. In fact, they tell me it may be even more sexy now than when I wore them in the eighties. Apparently my body is much more mature now and I could fill it out alot better.

They lied. They lied horribly and do not love you. In fact they hate you. A lot. Just like I will if I ever see this travesty come to life.

I am sorry, I just have really bad reactions to people trying to wear clothes that should not be worn by them. It is like nails on a chalkboard for the eyes.

Posted by: Vermillion at February 17, 2009 2:10 PM

AUNT FRIGGIN' GERTRUDE?! She could carry an entire series based solely on her whackadoo antics! Or Callie and Iola, the platonic girlfriends?

How could you leave out Chet Morton?!

Posted by: Gabs at February 17, 2009 2:33 PM

o/' Hollywood Bar-Mitzvaaah, spooky scary! Hardy Boys becoming Men, Men becoming Tom Frakkin' Cruise o/'

Posted by: figgy at February 17, 2009 3:11 PM

I am sorry, I just have really bad reactions to people trying to wear clothes that should not be worn by them. It is like nails on a chalkboard for the eyes.

So in your opinion Vermillion (which, while respected, may not be pertinent in this situation as you are obviously couturally challenged) I should not pair the belly-shirt with bicycle shorts and copious amount of moose knuckle?

Posted by: admin at February 17, 2009 3:15 PM

I would rather have a subscription to High Society and be forced to look at it for an entire year straight than see this movie. And I'm SERIOUSLY not into naked chicks.

Posted by: Smokin at February 17, 2009 3:25 PM

So in your opinion Vermillion (which, while respected, may not be pertinent in this situation as you are obviously couturally challenged) I should not pair the belly-shirt with bicycle shorts and copious amount of moose knuckle?

Oh well, if your are going to have the bicycle shorts, I could reconsider....I WILL PULL YOUR ENDOCRINE SYSTEM OUT OF YOUR BODY....THROUGH THE MOOSE KNUCKLE.

If I ever saw a zombie in a belly shirt and bicycle shorts, I might go catatonic.

Posted by: Vermillion at February 17, 2009 3:36 PM

Looks like Cruise is finally coming out of the closet.

Posted by: George at February 17, 2009 6:22 PM

MrCreosoteWhere is the Tom Swift movie?

It was called The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension

Posted by: Drake at February 17, 2009 6:36 PM

You know, it's funny you mention Ed Solomon. . . I just got Super Mario Bros. on netflix. Just because I was curious about what I actually experienced during my childhood. . .

Even bong hits will not allow me to sift through this mire of retched shit.

It's like they said, "hey let's make a mario movie."
"Ok, but can we have a Blade Runnerish dystopian future with references to the Japanese Psychedelic Fuckathon that is Mario kept to a minimum?"
"Sure, but make sure you manage to get a director who is so limp dicked he can't even make a great actor like Bob Hoskins passable?"

"Hey John. . . Hey Leguizamo!! get off the couch, we're making a movie"

Posted by: adam at February 17, 2009 9:46 PM

oh, and i still have an hour left in the movie.

Posted by: adam at February 17, 2009 9:47 PM

Posted by: stipe42 at February 17, 2009 2:07 PM

I see, yo.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at February 17, 2009 11:31 PM

Kayanne, Your T-shirt is going to have to wait another week. Skitz stole it.

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 18, 2009 12:06 AM

Understand Tom Cruise is pulling for the inclusion of a hommage of the hair gel scene from Something About Mary. He'll wear it well.

Posted by: hugeinjapan at February 18, 2009 8:37 AM

he is such a popular blogger at --richromances.com-- where many people view his blog and debate under every topic he created.

Posted by: Lawre nce at February 20, 2009 12:50 AM