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Dumb with Aplomb

By Cindy Davis | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (57)

abclogo.jpg

It’s all in the slogan, sucker.

I think Paul Lee, the new head of ABC Entertainment is confused. I’m not sure at what age Alzheimer’s sets in (I think I’ve even seen signs in myself) but he may believe he’s still at ABC Family. At the Television Critics Association press tour, Lee proclaimed the ABC brand as “smart with heart”. Uh, what? Really? Have you taken a look around lately?

I don’t pretend to know or understand all the ins and outs of television programming, but it seems clear to me that network television is losing and cable, movies and the internet are winning. But even when the networks are winning, it’s with stuff like “Dancing with the Stars” and “American Idol”, neither of which are in the vicinity of smart and both of which seem edited to have pretend heart. As for the actual programming going on, Lee is holding up as his shining examples “Grey’s Anatomy”, “Private Practice”, “Off the Map” (which I will be shocked to see last a whole season, based on the show description alone), “Cougar Town”, “The Middle”, “Modern Family”, the aforementioned “Dancing with the Stars” and “Desperate Housewives” (which he expects to be picked up again). Dude, none of these fit your bill and even if they did, you need to hire someone to rebrand ABC right now. People don’t want smart with heart, hell, they’ll settle for just plain smart. People want intriguing, quality programming with good actors; new ideas and a network that will back up those new ideas with a full show commitment; stepping outside the box; walking away from reality crap and most of all, shows that really entertain. “The Bachelor” - not it. “V” - not it. “No Ordinary Family” - not it. Heck, even your best doesn’t cut it against cable.

While I applaud the upcoming collaboration with Marvel to produce “The Incredible Hulk”, ABC still isn’t really thinking outside the box. Everyone is doing the superhero/comic thing and it isn’t working terribly well for most of them - never mind that “Hulk” is another series retread. Interestingly, Lee was the founder of BBCA, which basically just regurgitates shows from the BBC, perhaps original ideas aren’t his thing. But perhaps if he was inspired (watch AMC) with a truly clever rebranding, the head of ABC would know what to do with his network. We already know “smart with heart” sucks, so let’s have at it Pajibans. Give a network a clue. Give yourself something to do. Rebrand ABC.

(Here are some to get you going: HBO: “It’s Not TV, It’s HBO”; Discovery: “Explore Your World”; TNT: “We Know Drama”; USA: “Characters Welcome”; FX: “There is No Box”; AMC: “Story Matters Here”)









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Comments

ABC: We have Sophia Vergara's boobs.

What? If it's good enough for me to start a religion around, it's good enough for a network.

Posted by: Byrd at January 11, 2011 12:09 PM

ABC: Mediocre programs for mediocre lives.

Posted by: eastvillagenyc73 at January 11, 2011 12:10 PM

ABC: Always Be Closing.

Posted by: Joe G. at January 11, 2011 12:12 PM

ABC: 1-2-3

OR

It's lonely at the bottom

Posted by: Kargoyle at January 11, 2011 12:16 PM

ABC: Where You Used to Watch Lost.

Posted by: The Mutt at January 11, 2011 12:17 PM

People want intriguing, quality programming with good actors; new ideas and a network that will back up those new ideas with a full show commitment; stepping outside the box; walking away from reality crap and most of all, shows that really entertain.

I appreciate what you're trying to say and I agree, but if you look at any network's top viewed line up and highest rated shows, I challenge you to find anything that resembles your assertion. The majority of shows that are popular around here would be considered network failures when put up against Two and a Half Men.

Posted by: admin at January 11, 2011 12:18 PM

ABC: Bet you wish you had cable.

Posted by: Blank at January 11, 2011 12:19 PM

So he's the guy responsible for BBCA? BBCA sucks. They think they can give us heavily edited Doctor Who and Being Human and then rip all the joy out of Top Gear by having it on continuous loop backed by the worst filler programming in the world: ten episodes of Cash in the Attic per day? Then they take away the respected BBC Word News and replace it with BBC News America which is basically Katty Kay with some kind of horrific face job giving us a simplified script of selected news stories. Where have the footie results gone? The interviews with pols? It's awful. It's just awful.

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 11, 2011 12:25 PM

ABC: About to Be Cancelled.

I often mix-and-match channels and their taglines for maximum condescending effect. CNN: Very Funny has been one of my favorite combinations so far (although your least favorite news channel and "Imagine Greater" probably works too.)

Posted by: Markus at January 11, 2011 12:28 PM

ABC: 1-2-3

OR

It's lonely at the bottom


Or as the bottom, as the case may be.

Posted by: alone in the dark at January 11, 2011 12:29 PM

Almost
Basic
Cable

Posted by: logar at January 11, 2011 12:32 PM

Cindy, I noticed that Castle was left off your list. Do you consider it an exception or was that a gaffe? No snippiness intended, I'm just curious.

Posted by: Jim Doggie at January 11, 2011 12:32 PM

ABC: Where TV comes before it dies.

ABC: Let's all suck on a shotgun!

ABC: The first three letters of the alphabet.

ABC: Even our call letters are unoriginal.

ABC: ...meh. Fuck it.

ABC: Can we go back to the early 90's when we ruled the world with awesome shit like TGIF and The Wonder Years?

Posted by: PissBoy at January 11, 2011 12:32 PM

ABC: It's not T.V., It's Shit.

Posted by: Vonnegut Slut at January 11, 2011 12:33 PM

ABC: Thinking is overrated
ABC: It's Safe Here
ABC: Chimps with Typewriters
ABC: Ideas Unnecessary
ABC: This Has All Happened Before and It Will Happen Again
ABC: The Lost Network
ABC: Bringing you St. Elsewhere, LA Law, V, Falcon Crest, and Circus of the Stars with better lighting and newer actors

Posted by: Professor_love at January 11, 2011 12:34 PM

ABC: That first grade education is really paying off

Posted by: Kargoyle at January 11, 2011 12:34 PM

ABC: If you squint, it makes the show look interesting.

Posted by: Jim Doggie at January 11, 2011 12:34 PM

ABC stands for Assholes and Braindead Chuds. Lost is not something to hang your hat on, at least not after the second season. There's nothing quite like watching a train wreck about to occur. Hopefully we can continue to watch the dissolution of the big three networks.

Hey, maybe the FCC can release the restrictions on free T.V. so we can actually get quality programming.

Posted by: bignick at January 11, 2011 12:37 PM

ABC: The fuck y'all looking at?

Posted by: admin at January 11, 2011 12:37 PM

ABC: DEFGHIJKelemenoPQRSTUVWXYZ

Posted by: superasente at January 11, 2011 12:40 PM

Speaking of AMC, does anybody know what The Killing is about? Those teasers are driving me nuts.

Posted by: valerie at January 11, 2011 12:45 PM

I used to love BBCA when they showed weird shit like The Night Detective, The State Within, Touching Evil, Wire in the Blood, and Alan Creek

The higher profile has not improved their product. Although something like Luther is still pretty good.

Posted by: alone in the dark at January 11, 2011 12:45 PM

ABC: Charlie Sheen's hooker money comes from us.

Posted by: Paultera at January 11, 2011 12:46 PM

Always Buy Canadian

Posted by: Kargoyle at January 11, 2011 12:46 PM

ABC: ABunchaCats

Posted by: Ian at January 11, 2011 12:48 PM

ABC: There Is No F*nny.

Posted by: Paultera at January 11, 2011 12:51 PM

They need to market to those you rarely find on TV.

ABC- Arabs blacks and Chinese

Posted by: guy rossi at January 11, 2011 12:55 PM

I read yesterday that next on their list is an 8 hour miniseries of "Wicked". Presumably not the musical version. I can't wait to see that one, it's going to be a disaster of epicness. Their miniseries "events" are largely awful. They have ruined every Stephen King mini they have gotten their hands on except one; the written-for-TV "Storm of the Century". Even that one still suffered from redundancy to draw out the run time. Not all that much happens in "Wicked" other than conversations and musings on the concept of evil so I'm expecting it to be battered into an unrecognizable shape.

Of course, given the development hell that "Fables" is also stuck in at ABC, "Wicked" will likely never get off the ground anyway. Thankfully for both of them.

Posted by: TylerDFC at January 11, 2011 1:00 PM

You're right aloneinthedark. They used to show good stuff when their target demographic was ex-pats and the portion of the PBS crowd who can still stay up late but somewhere along the way they decided their demographic was actually people who will watch any piece of crap as long as it's delivered in an English accent. Luther is the rare anomaly these days.

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 11, 2011 1:02 PM

8. Hours.

Well, that will still be better than the 3 gatdam months it took me to finish the novel. God that thing was slow.

Posted by: Ian at January 11, 2011 1:02 PM

I think USA's tagline is by far the best. I watch Burn Notice, Psych and White Collar because they have some of the best characters I've seen on TV in quite some time. The shows' overarching storylines may falter, but I watch for the characters. It fits.

Posted by: Melissa at January 11, 2011 1:07 PM

I agree with Admin. People dont want any of that quality programming stuff. They want more of the same but just slightly tweaked. They want the tried and true but shinier. That's why there are 3 CSI's and 456 Law and Orders. People want the same old, same old, it's comfortable like old sweat pants. They want the same actors in the same shows doing the same thing see 2 1/2 men.

New stuff would require them to think and make choices and both are hard.

Posted by: logan at January 11, 2011 1:07 PM

ABC: We used to fuck guys like you in prison.
ABC: Yeah, we could try . . .
ABC: Because we both know you're not going to read
ABC: TV for people who eat Fritos for dinner
ABC: Because you don't care and neither do we

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at January 11, 2011 1:09 PM

ABC: Lawyers, Cops, & Docs

Then they can stop pretending to give a shit about any other kind of programing. They can just tweak the few preexisting shows that don't already fit the mold.So we'll get:

Dancing with Doctors
Modern Family Practice
Cop Town
Skating the Law
No Ordinary Firm

Posted by: jM at January 11, 2011 1:24 PM

RE: BBCA
Even the new "Graham Norton Show" is a pale imitation of its predecessor "The Graham Norton Effect". Less goofy skits and hilarious Q&As with the audience, more Katy Perry and Jack Black...which just makes me all kinds of frowny and sad.

Posted by: Jessie at January 11, 2011 1:24 PM

You know what was actually smart and had heart? Pushing Daisies.

Fuck you, ABC.

Posted by: GreenMyEyes at January 11, 2011 1:28 PM

valerie - I read in EW (shut up, my fiance is subscribed) that The Killing is about a teenage girl's death and how it affects various people in the town.
Mostly I remember thinking "that sounds so much like Twin Peaks" and being willing to give it a try.

Posted by: ninetwenteetoo at January 11, 2011 1:30 PM

Let's do one for TLC, too!

TLC: The Loser Channel

TLC: BREEDERS AND FREAKS!

Ok, anyway. All the good ones for ABC are taken, so I thought I'd do that.

Posted by: Snuggiepants at January 11, 2011 1:33 PM

Hey, branding is hard. See:

Pajiba: Shush, Grown Ups Are Talking

Posted by: brdkelli at January 11, 2011 1:47 PM

ABC: See What the Other Networks Passed On
ABC: Out of Our Ass and Into Your Brains
ABC: Our Latest Hit Will Star Pauly Shore
ABC: What's On FX Again?
ABC: People Will Watch Anything, Won't They?
ABC: Disney Ate Our Balls
ABC: The Only Shows That Look MORE Stupid on Drugs
ABC: We'd Insult Your Intelligence If We Thought You Had Any
ABC: Not Giving a Shit Since 1987
ABC: The Food Stamps of Prime Time

Posted by: bleujayone at January 11, 2011 1:47 PM

"Modern Family" is exactly 'smart with heart'.

Posted by: Hayden Tompkins at January 11, 2011 1:57 PM

I'm with admin. People want candy for television, not broccoli. Most people are so exhausted from the necessity of working five jobs to pay the mortgage that they can't concentrate on 'Mad Men'. Internet darlings are exactly that, and I can't really blame networks for chasing the money. Now, the real question is, how to get more quality TV for the people who actually want it? Subscription TV...web series...something like that. Just let ABC program 20 hours of 'Dancing With the Whoever' and 'The Bachelor Du Jour'.

Posted by: Val Vadynia at January 11, 2011 2:10 PM

admin: "Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead, Boardwalk Empire, Sons of Anarchy"...I think those shows fit the bill and are getting enough viewers to make a case for my point.

Jim Doggie - I didn't list every ABC show and I guess "Castle" was left off because it's just mediocre.

Posted by: Cindy at January 11, 2011 2:54 PM

ABC: The executives that sit around the table and pitch yet another Cop show - but this one is different because the lead is a small, asian, woman with one eye who is a special investigator that uses the smallest details around her like the brand of kitty litter used in the victim's apartment to solve crimes alongside her black, gay partner who is insanely OCD. It is Gonna be awesome - we are going to redefine TV - take that HBO.

Posted by: TVConnoisseur at January 11, 2011 4:17 PM

Hayden Tompkins hit the nail on the head.

Posted by: scott at January 11, 2011 4:41 PM

ABC: You get what you pay for.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at January 11, 2011 4:53 PM

Cindy:
Ah, gotcha. Thanks for responding!

Posted by: Jim Doggie at January 11, 2011 5:09 PM

Cougar Town is a great show respected by some of the best TV critics working today, including Todd VanDerWerff and Alan Sepinwall. So is Modern Family, despite its tried-and-true formula.

Just sayin'.

Posted by: Chris at January 11, 2011 5:46 PM

Okay Cindy by the power vested in me I now appoint you head of CBC the Cindy Broadcasting Network. You have 18 hours of Prime Time to schedule (8:00-11:00 pm, Sunday thru Friday, Saturday is excluded).

You can pick any show from any network currently available. It can't be a show that's been canceled.

And since I'm setting the rules, absolutely no reality-tv programming!

Go!

Posted by: John W at January 11, 2011 6:51 PM

John, if I had the time I would do it.

Posted by: Cindy at January 11, 2011 7:36 PM

I see your overall point, and yet, I'd say that Modern Family is the very definition of "smart with heart."

Posted by: Amanda6 at January 11, 2011 8:16 PM

ABC: Why bother trying?

Posted by: noonoo at January 11, 2011 9:36 PM

ABC: A Black Cock. That'll get the 18-45 ladies demographic

Posted by: A. Biro at January 11, 2011 11:25 PM

Aw c'mon folks! Be positive! Quality attracts quality!

ABC: Stick with the Basics
ABC: Baby Steps
ABC: Starting from Scratch

Truly, if I was getting paid, I'd of course scorch the earth in their offices completely, then grab every outside unknown, well ranked concept, throw the old school producers on it on pain of death to evolve their game and end up with a middlin' result. I'd separate it all into themes and go like so:

ABC's of Mystery
ABC's of Drama
ABC's of Action
etc.

Try to convince everyone that you've 'got the building blocks of entertainment' and do like, definitions of what is to come to transition the immensely dullard crowd into providing a base viewership - ''ABC's of Law! Tonight - we offer you shows where cops solve crimes using slightly better than the average expository scripting! We added some budget to the effects too! More lascivious forensics!"

ooohhh...I'm rolling now - convince people you're EDUCATING them about what is good entertainment...they'll learn to love learning! It'll become a golden era where the audience WANTS better quality shows, eventually leading to an ultimate ascension in taste and water cooler discussion! For us all! Us ALL!

I...I...I just blew my pitch, didn't I?

rats. this is why I don't watch tv.

Posted by: replica at January 12, 2011 4:54 AM

ABC - If Only We Had an Umlaut
(ÄBC - is now much better improved ja?)

Posted by: cinekat at January 12, 2011 9:37 AM

I'm still pissed that ABC cancelled Pushing Daisies. Now that was an excellent network TV show.

Posted by: Sarah at January 12, 2011 1:59 PM

I remember ABC. That used to be a television network that was, at one time, capable of producing great TV shows and network movies. But I abandoned ABC eons ago because of their mentally challenged programming. In fact, the last network produced TV show I last viewed was Bob Barker's last day on The Price is Right in 2007. CBS, NBC, ABC and Fox nowadays are all about producing inferior quality so-called entertainment. I used to take refuge in the cable stations, but looked at what has happened to cable. Fake reality crap and offensive modern day sitcoms. Glad I've got a sizable library of DVD's of quality entertainment when TV was worth watching and the internet.

Posted by: Tom at January 20, 2011 2:19 AM