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'Duck Dynasty's' Phil Robertson Not Only Prefers the Womenfolk, He Likes 'Em Real Young

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | December 31, 2013 | Comments ()


Phil-Robertson-Duck-Commander.jpg

Sure, Phil Robertson has been reinstated to A&E’s Duck Dynasty for the same reasons that Cracker Barrel restocked its shelves with Duck Dynasty merchandise — profit! — but that doesn’t mean that the Internet won’t keep digging up things on Robertson, and continue to tear him — and the show — down. We are a blood-thirsty bunch, and this latest video has the fangs of a rabid child bride.

A 2009 video has surfaced in which Robertson suggests that modern men wait too long to get married. Twenty years old? TOO OLD. You gotta get them good ladies when they’re youngins, like 15 or 16, or what those in certain communities call ‘barely legal.’

“Make sure that she can cook a meal. You need to eat some meals that she cooks, check that out.”

“They got to where they getting hard to find, mainly because these boys are waiting till they get to be about 20 years old before they marry them. Look, you wait till they get to be 20 years old the only picking that’s going to take place is your pocket. You got to marry these girls when they are about 15 or 16. They’ll pick your ducks. You need to check with mom and dad about that, of course.

Well, OF COURSE. And make sure she has a good dowry, a couple of pigs, maybe a cow, and most importantly, no intention of completing her education, which would obviously interfere with her ability to cook a meal and pick out ducks, whatever the hell that means.

Robertson also suggests that the ideal woman is someone who carries her bible. “That’ll save you a lot of trouble down the road.” It should also act as a weapon against men that PREY ON TEENAGE GIRLS.

So to sum: Robertson is homophobic, racist, and wildly sexist. But it’s OK, because THE BIBLE.

David Wooderson is Phil Robertson’s Spirit Animal.

wooderson.jpeg



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Steve Ward

    So, how much longer until people start going after the many outdated notions of the bible, instead of the idiots who follow them? Is this particular guy an increasingly repulsive human being? Yup, he's clearly garbage (or, if you're being generous, a damn good parody of it). Shame about that freedom of religion thing, eh? This is what happens when society accepts centuries old teachings as, literally, gospel. Those of us in 2014 only get to shake our heads and be appropriately disgusted. Because the bible indeed.

  • stella

    So this has to be a publicity thing right? Right?

  • Mrs. Julien

    I am,unfortunately, not surprised by his sentiments. I am very surprised at this willingness to express them out loud. Okay, I'm not really surprised by that either.

    Am I correct that at least he is advocating that there be a childgroom in addition to the childbride?

  • You would be correct. He's not talking about men his age marrying teenagers, but about other teenagers marrying teenagers. This is only a bad idea, though, and doesn't really provide the opportunity for tedious pontificating or 'clever' commentary the way that salacious scandals do, so it's either forgotten or ignored.

  • Uriah_Creep

    He did go on to say that ducks, on the other hand, should be of legal age before a man messes with them.

  • Ninja_Toes

    Redneck worship happens everywhere though, so I wouldn't be overly worried. I don't think it necessarily means we are "rednecks" - just that there is something fascinating to us about them (don't ask me what though).

    We have plenty of redneck worship in Oz (ours is generally called "bogan love"), though I'll admit ours is less about celebrating the nasty bits, and more softening them and making them less threatening. One of our more popular reality shows was called "The Farmer Wants a Wife" for goodness sake, and your newly beloved Rebel Wilson basically forged her career over here by talking about her "bogan-ness".

    Supposedly enlightened Western Europe laps it up too. I mean, check out British soap operas for a little taste . And any country that elects Geert Wilders into parliament isn't nearly as sophisticated as we're led to believe.

  • Maddy

    Nothing's as terrible as Please Marry My Boy though. I am ashamed to say I watched it, and it was like a car crash I couldn't look away from. Get a bunch of women to live in a house with a guy and his mum while you get made to do demeaning things and get marked on things like housework. It makes me want to throw things.

  • People like to talk about rednecks because we're a fascinating bunch. And hey, it gives people something to be outraged about on the Internet between elections. Can't spend all your time posting pictures of 10$ lattes and making up new stupid words.

  • barlowjk

    What's bad about this:

    Some would say that a woman could never be a man's equal, even if she tried.

    This dude seems to be implying that a woman is fully capable of doing what men do... and should be stopped.

    Far more sinister, in my opinion.

  • http://www.aetv.com/duck-dynas...

    Look at these photo's that A&E have up of these guy's before they were the Dynasty of Ducks...

    Tell me there isn't something really strange between those pictures and the folks they portray on television. Like the best scripted trolling to ever existed? It feels kind of Truman Showy..

  • Al Borland's Beard

    Everything about that header picture screams "I have a child bride."

  • "... in a well."

  • kirbyjay

    or
    "I have many child brides"

  • kirbyjay

    ".....in a well"

  • Finance_Nerd

    I'm not surprised by these comments. According to a survey in USA Today posted today, 1/3 or Americans don't believe in evolution. "Humans and other living things have existed in their present form since the beginning of time." 100M people don't believe in evolution?! Really?! I get that people don't like change, but this is the type of "logic" that leads people to believe that things were better in the past (especially if you don't mind racism, sexism and/or homophobia - which these "god-fearing" white males don't). That explains things though - if they don't believe people evolved, then it makes sense that their thoughts don't evolve either. That's what really scares me.

  • Stu Rat

    Of course Evolution doesn't make sense!

    Exactly HOW much could humans have changed in 6000 years?
    Isn't it enough that we outwitted the dinosaurs?

  • BlackRabbit

    True. It was easy to escape them once we invented the foot-powered car.

  • It's even worse than that, Finance_Nerd... it's the complete REJECTION of logic, science, and pretty much every form of knowledge that's based on the natural world. It's the idea that your willingness to accept science somehow determines whether or not science is real. Just like Dubya's comment about how he "hadn't made up his mind about evolution yet." No need to, kiddo. It's not waiting on a decision.

    What's infuriating and depressing is that this delusional thinking - which is NOT shared by all people of faith, many of whom are perfectly able to reconcile science with their idea of a creator - is indulged in the name of "respecting people's beliefs." Respecting someone's right to HAVE his/her beliefs does not mean playing along.

  • emmalita

    Which is why I love this guy.

  • Mrs. Julien

    That quote continues to be one of my favourite things ever.

  • Ninja_Toes

    We have plenty of creationists In Australia too, but there is definitely something very special about America and the belief in evolution. 1/3 of Americans don't believe in evolution? that's a metric f*ck ton. I have read elsewhere that it might be as high as 45%.
    You guys have the lowest public belief in the western world too apparently - lower than Latvia, Lithuania and Bulgaria (no disrespect to those guys of course). And its not like that lack of belief can be blamed on education rates or anything either, because I'm pretty sure you rank much higher than Latvia, Lithuania and Bulgaria on that count (not that I've checked though).

  • TheAggroCraig

    "that's a metric f*ck ton"

    We don't believe in the metric system, either.

  • John G.

    this engineered controversy is just part of the show. I wasn't reading about or talking about duck dynasty until this idiot started saying shit out loud, and now it's all over my internets. It's all part of marketing strategy.

    I mean, look at these guys without their beards? They're just idiots who made a lot of money.

    http://keep0smiling.blogspot.c...

  • birdgal

    Don't read the comments on that post, it will make you despair for humanity. And I love [read with sarcasm] how all the women pretty much look the same and dress the same as before while the husbands look and dress completely different than they did just a few years ago (I guess in A&E's calculation, men watching the show would change the channel if the women had long, greasy hair and wore ratty flannels and do rags). Manufactured reality is not reality.

  • bastich

    For the love of god, please tell me that "pick your ducks" isn't some sort of euphemism.

  • Drake

    It's not. It means to pick the feathers off a dead duck, prior to eating it. It's a messy and time-consuming job.

  • BWeaves

    Really? I thought that's what a flame thrower was for. It's much quicker to burn those feathers off.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Wouldn't that leave the... quills(?) - you know, the pointy part - in the duck?

    Bugs? Yes. Roast duck? Not so much.

  • BWeaves

    The big feathers on the wings are the ones with the quills. Those are easy to pull out. It's all those little feathers on the rest of the body that are easier to singe off.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Do you have much experience burning fowl?

  • BWeaves

    I'm a vegetarian, but my great grandmother used to walk out to the yard, grab a couple chickens by the neck and swing 'em around in circles to break their necks, and then pluck them. Singeing was involved, although she used a candle.

  • I bet it's also handy for fending off creepy old dudes who reek of duck musk and follow you home from school.

  • emmalita

    I love my flame thrower.

  • L.O.V.E.

    For the love of God, please tell me that "my flame thrower" isn't some sort of euphemism.

  • BlackRabbit

    Depends if you have one of those lovin' diseases.

  • emmalita

    Nope. Not a euphamism, just an exaggeration. It's more of a torch than flame thrower.

  • Stu Rat

    Nope. Course the 'P' is extraneous, the 'i' and the 'u' swapped around and the 's' shall lead them into the promised land.

  • L.O.V.E.

    And in some trailer park outside of Redmond, Washington Doug Hutchison nods in agreement.

  • troublesometots

    My husband often says, "Stop picking my pocket woman! Damn I should have married you when you was 15 and not just trying to steal all my moneys." Of course then I show him photos of when I was 15 in all my giant perm trombone-playing braces glory, and he reconsiders.

  • Uriah_Creep

    Comments like this are why I love the iternet, and this site in particular.

  • JustOP

    And this suprises who exactly? I'm an english guy who had never heard of the show prior to about two weeks ago, but once I was informed of its content I had a pretty good idea of what these type of people were gonna be.

    And yeah, the bible IS the excuse for this. The bible is homophobic, sexist and racist, so it follows that anyone who takes it seriously would be as such.

  • Sarah Weissman

    Until the people who use Bible as an excuse for homophobia, racism and sexism follow every single line it, it's not an excuse.

    Edit* That was poorly worded on my part. There is no excuse for homophobia, racism and sexism BUT unless those who preach follow every word, it's pure hypocrisy. I'm glad I was taught religion in a less literal way...

  • JustOP

    It's impossible to follow 'every single line' of the bible because it is a contradictory piece of art. There are so many instances of sections that say 'do/believe this', that appear later as 'don't/disbelieve this' that makes this an impossible excersize. With the bible you get to pick and choose which bits best suit your needs whilst ignoring others.

  • Sarah Weissman

    Which is why, even though it's about the Torah and note the Bible, why this is my favorite qyote on religion: ""That which is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor. That is the whole Torah; the rest is commentary. Go and study it."

  • Andrew

    So the part about how hard and how long you can beat your slaves, which part is that?

  • Sarah Weissman

    Whipping (without consent) is hateful to my neighbor. The answer seems pretty simple to me.

  • Andrew

    But God doesn't tell us not to whip or beat our slaves.

    He tells us how to, and how long to, and whether or not it's alright to do so so long as they don't die after an arbitrary period of time.

  • Sarah Weissman

    Considering that the Bible was written by privileged men, I always defer to that quote by Rabbi Hillel that I posted. And if I remember Frederick Douglass' autobiography correctly, that was only a loose interpretation of the quote, unless you are thinking of a different passage.

  • Andrew

    Well I was specifically looking at:

    When a man strikes his male or female slave with a rod so hard that the slave dies under his hand, he shall be punished. If, however, the slave survives for a day or two, he is not to be punished, since the slave is his own property. (Exodus 21:20-21)

    which doesn't really allow for a lot of loose interpretation.

    And if you're going to claim that the passage can be disregarded because it was written by privileged men and not a direct command from God which is what the text says, how do you distinguish which passages are correct and which ones aren't?

  • Sarah Weissman

    You have a fair point. Oh I think all of the passages probably were written by privileged men, I guess I didn't *really* mean to debate my religious beliefs on here. But I think holy books can be a guidebook, not a roadmap where you follow every single direction. Again, I always go back to that quote by Rabbi Hillel. I don't see continuing this conversation heading in the best place for me, so I'm going to stop here I think. Respect & peace.

  • NynjaSquirrel

    I thought these people had 'bahbles'...

  • And the show will continue to be a ratings hit and every dumbass politician in Louisiana will come out in his defense.

    They are, sadly, too representative of too many people in America (not just the South) who seem to yearn for the 50s...the 1850s!

  • DooMm

    Find successful or attractive men, women for friendship, fun, love and romance. Welcome to___richfriends.com___the largest club for elite and attractive singles to come together for serious relationships. Have a try and good luck! +_+

  • NynjaSquirrel

    But - are they 15?

  • bastich

    Also, how good are they at picking ducks?

  • Not very good, it looks like. Even the little emoticon is squeezing its eyes shut in flat-mouthed exasperation.

    But if they're "elite" enough to get on such a classy, exclusive site.... they've probably already learned how to pickpocket and steal your moneys. You don't want your duckpicker messin' around with the internets and finding out why you couldn't be seen within 500 yards of her school.

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