June 3, 2008 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | June 3, 2008 |


Here’s your daily dose of suck, boys and girls:

About six months ago, we picked up on this rumor, but I only wrote it up for shits and giggles, not thinking that it would actually go into production. But, motherfucker, this item proves that Michael Bay is not above any idea as long as it reeks of easy green and takes less than 14 brain cells to assemble, as it’s been confirmed that Bay is, indeed, producing a film based on Hasbro’s Ouija Board. Yeah. Let that sink in — roll it around on your tongue and swallow it. Yeah. Feel the burn. (Drano is a great antacid.)

In fact, there’s already a writer attached — David Berenbaum, who scripted the not so terrible, Elf. Though producers insist that it will not be like Jumanji, it will — obviously — contain supernatural elements. Let me get out my Ouija Board and see what it says about the idea: S-U-C-K A C-A-M-E-L-S T-A-I-N-T. Nice. My Ouija Board won’t even dignify the question, but it did just say: “It’s been done. Have you seen Witchboard? Yeah, even at the height of Tawny Kitaen’s fleeting celebrity, nobody else has, either. I rest my case.” You know what? Sometimes, Uwe Boll — who recently said, “At least I’m not a retard like Michael Bay,” is a lot smarter than we give him credit for. “N-O H-E I-S-N-T D-U-M-B-A-S-S.” Shut up, Ouija Board. Nobody asked you.

Elsewhere, Roland Emmerich — part of the Michael Bay/Bret Ratner Spunkstick Triumvirate — has assembled the cast for his next film, 2012. Danny Glover will play the President of the United States, Thandie Newton will play his daughter, and Oliver Platt will play the chief of staff, joining John Cusack and Chiwetel Elijofor (sorry). The disaster movie — with a budget of $200 million — is about an academic researcher, played by Cusack, who opens up a portal into another universe, where he meets his double, and they join forces to stop the apocalypse, predicted by an ancient Mayan calendar to occur in 2012. Jesus — I think I just ripped my brain. My Ouija Board just jumped out the window. I mean, that there’s an idea that warrants a $200 million budget, huh? Why don’t we just get Uwe Boll to wipe his ass on some film stock, smear some gut rot on it, and run it through a projector; I suspect the end result wouldn’t be all that dissimilar, and Chiwetel Elijifor could maintain his dignity a little longer (I’ve done give up on Cusack — dude’s a lost cause, and humorless to boot).

With the Happy Madison produced Adam Sandler film, Don’t Mess with the Zohan, only a few days from its release (God help the poor son of a bitch who has to review that … oh … yeah … shit), it looks like Sandler is, unfortunately, returning a favor to his old roommate, Judd Apatow. See, Apatow co-wrote Zohan (I know, I know — but so did Robert Smigel; maybe there’s something funny in it not apparent from the trailer? Nah), so I suppose it was only a matter of time before Sandler lent his box-office clout to Apatow (like he fucking needs it), as the two have teamed up in a comedy-drama about two stand-up comedians (Sandler and Seth Rogen), which Apatow describes as the most “adult” thing he’s ever written. Pretty high bar there, buddy. Pretty high bar. That’s like Prisco saying an inch-and-a-half erection is his record.

Elsewhere: For fans of Tarsem Singh’s visually stunning but otherwise kind of stupid movie, The Cell, you may or may not be delighted to hear that a straight-to-DVD sequel is in the works starring, er, Frank Whaley, which I suppose allows me to ask: What the hell happened to Frank Whaley. He was so good in … er … umm … Swimming with Sharks. Wow: It’s been a long time since Career Opportunities, huh? You look at Jennifer Connelly in 1991 and now, and compare her to Frank Whaley then and now, and you no longer have a convincing argument that men age better than women.

Moving on: Shannon Elizabeth … no, scratch that: Elizabeth Berkley (why I continue to confuse the two is a mystery) has signed on to S. Darko, that sequel to Donnie Darko I mentioned a few weeks back. That’s not really all that interesting, but that’s the state of the movie industry this week, as in most weeks lately: Not very interesting. You know what Hollywood needs more of? Robot Cock. A little dab will do ya.

Fortunately, there are glimmers of hope on the horizon, starting first with the teaser trailer for Kevin Smith’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno, which asks the all important question: “Do you like things in your ass?” (Mini-Diversion: What’s your favorite thing to shove up your ass?)

Next up is the trailer for the Sam Rockwell starrer, Choke, an adaptation of a Chuck Palahniuk novel, which was one of our favorites at Sundance this year. The trailer is decent, but it doesn’t do the movie justice at all.

And, finally, not that you degenerates deserve it, but here’s the red band trailer (that means naughty) for the Coen brothers’ next flick, Burn After Reading. It’ll make your funny parts tingle.

zack-miri-porno-rogen-banks.jpg

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The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | June 3, 2008 | Comments ()



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