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Dirty Rotten Assholes

Remake Hell/ Dustin Rowles

Trade News | September 26, 2008 | Comments (51)

There are some films you don’t remake simply because everyone’s so goddamn tired of remakes. There are other films that you don’t remake because you can’t improve on the original. And there are yet other films that you don’t remake because the original’s success rested largely on the cast and no mush-mouthed Generation Douchebag fill-in or Apatowian one-trick jackass is gonna be able to take the place of a goddamn comic legend like Steve Martin 1.0 (any middle-aged schlep who can make his eyes well up on command could replace Steve Martin 2.0).

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels falls decidedly in the latter category. It wasn’t a particularly great movie narrative-wise, but it worked because of the combined talents and (strange) chemistry of Steve Martin and Michael Caine. You can’t replicate that, even if you do hire one of the better screenwriters in the business to try. Steve Pink (High Fidelity, Grosse Point Blanke) has been brought into write the script for the remake, though I’ve become increasingly annoyed with the notion of taking a lot of credit for basically changing the allusions and setting and collecting a paycheck.

The original was about a couple of con men who try to work together, only to realize that the town isn’t big enough for them. So, they agree to a loser’s bet: The loser splits. Hilarity ensues. Granted, the 1988 DRS was actually a remake of a 1964 Marlon Brando film (replace con men with gigolos), but that was on instance where a remake was actually warranted, because they only used the premise, and also it starred Steve fucking Martin 1.0.

Apparently, the remake is attracting “top tier” talent. I smell McConaughey and Stiller. Also, this is another in MGM’s slew of upcoming remakes, including Robocop, Red Dawn, Fame and Poltergeist.


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Comments

Hold the fucking motherfucking phone. I was merely pissed reading this until you shoehorned that last bit in about a remake of RED FUCKING DAWN!?! Are you KIDDING ME!? Oh it is ON like DONKEY KONG you Hollywood motherfucking shit-stains!!

Where's my bandolier!?

Posted by: Mella at September 26, 2008 11:11 AM

Aw, Hollywood, leave DRS alone. You're not going to make a better version. I may have to show up and put a stop to this.

My trident, please.

Posted by: ponch at September 26, 2008 11:15 AM

The bella sara ads fill my heart with girlish glee.

The remake news makes me weep.

Posted by: twig at September 26, 2008 11:15 AM

NONONONONONONONONO! Seriously - what the hell is wrong with people? Don't make a goddam remake, tweak the story enough so there's similarity and call it something different. It's goddam insulting, especially given the fact the DRS isn't that friggin' old. What to expect ten years from now? A goddam remake of the remake? Jesus Christ, I guess all it takes to get a movie greenlit nowadays is to pick an existing movie and remake the goddam thing. Shit, it'll be Steve Carrell (sp?) and Paul Rudd, guarangoddamteed. And remaking Red Dawn? ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?! Remake Poltergeist? WHYWOULDYOUDOTHAT?! Make up something that has the faintest odor of "new". Seriously. Between the shit coming out on cable (hello, three nights of Erin Brochovich!) and the shit Hollywood poops out, it's only a matter of time before you flick on the tube and are met with 24-hour marathons of Monk/Law & Order/Flavor Of New York Rock of My Super Sweet Road Rules Dance Off, back-to-back-to-back presentations of I, Robot, and channel vs. channel of original flick vs. remake vs. re-remake. I'm seriously thinking about learning how to read. This shit is flat-out ridiculous... Word.

Posted by: Skitimus Maximus at September 26, 2008 11:22 AM

these remakes blow my a$$. i wish hollywood would stop, but i know it won't.

by the way, i think you mean to write "one" and you wrote "on." dustin, what's going on???

Posted by: surly suzie at September 26, 2008 11:22 AM

"Apatowian one-trick jackass"

So Michael Cera is going to be in it?

Posted by: Murray at September 26, 2008 11:24 AM

Have we forgotten that Red Dawn, um, you know, fucking sucks? Why waste your time being outraged over that vapid piece of shit? And Fame, I could give a fuck about Fame.

Now Poltergeist and Robocop... I will cut a bitch over that shit.

And DRS... just... that hurts, MGM. It makes me sad. And sadness leads to rage. And rage leads to stabbiness.

Welcome to the stabby.

Posted by: TK at September 26, 2008 11:25 AM


Ahhhhh Shit! You lie! What the hell is going on? Is imagination in the land where imagination and plastic surgery that rests on one's imagination gone!?!

It's time to start the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth! It's time to break out the sack cloth and ashes!
I CANNOT take another remake! I just CAN'T!


*runs off shrieking into the internet underverse*

Posted by: Four Eyes at September 26, 2008 11:26 AM

...hate...

Posted by: Skitimus Maximus at September 26, 2008 11:30 AM

Um... No.

At this point if Hollywood "accidentally" blew up would any of us be sad? Yeah... I didn't think so.

Posted by: Virenda at September 26, 2008 11:36 AM

Apropos of nothing, can I just say that I am glad the format looks a little more familar again? Something about those short articles being posted kind of all at once with no picture didn't make me want to read them. It's totally illogical, but I am pleased nevertheless.

Also, I am glad you guys have cooled it on the TV reviews. THANK YOU. I was really sick of hearing about Grey's Anatomy and...all those other shows I don't watch.

Posted by: AM at September 26, 2008 11:42 AM

kill me now.

Posted by: lux at September 26, 2008 11:44 AM

TK

May I be so bold as to ask how old you were the first time you watched Red Dawn? Because if you were older than like, eight, I can understand why you don't appreciate it. Otherwise, please do fuck right off, good sir. That movie rocks asses.

Posted by: Mella at September 26, 2008 11:48 AM

No "top tier" talent would even consider remaking this. By definition anyone who would allow themselves to be involved in the destruction of this film is neither top tier nor in possession of any talent. Someone needs to take the cork off their fork and shove it into the eyes of the jackhole who suggested this.

Posted by: Lollygagger at September 26, 2008 12:03 PM

"Not mother?"

Fuck. This.

Posted by: Todd at September 26, 2008 12:10 PM

Possible mini diversion:

Is there any movie you'd like to see remade?

I'd have to go with Gor. Taleena's animal skin bikini is way too 80's. I cringe whenever I pop in my Gor: Special Edition DVD For The Unwilling Semi-Virgin and see her with her big hair and Boy George makeup. 80's film aesthetics suck on a general basis, but when you try to apply them to a fantasy planet visited by poor (yet yummy) Tarl Cabbot it makes my brain hurt.

I want a remake. Now.

Posted by: Sofía at September 26, 2008 12:21 PM

Sorry, but I can't get worked up over this. Steve Martin (2.0) fucking deserves to have this remade as karmic payback for The Pink Panther.

Unfortunately we deserve not to have to watch it. What the fuck did we do to you, karma?

Posted by: Ed Newman at September 26, 2008 12:22 PM

Red Dawn - released in 1984. I was 9 years old.

I thought it sucked then, I think it sucks now. Oh, I get the "awesome in an ironic way" thing, but it's by no means one of my cinematic sacred cows. They could scour that fucker from the registry and I wouldn't bat an eyelash.

Posted by: TK at September 26, 2008 12:25 PM

Mini diversion: remake Matrix Rebooted and especially Matrix Revolutions. This time leave out the suck.

Posted by: Ed Newman at September 26, 2008 12:26 PM

Are we starting a pool on what "top-tier" talent will be cast? If so, I've got fifty cents on Will Ferrell/ Dane Cook.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at September 26, 2008 12:31 PM

It might be interesting to see someone try to remake a silent film...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 26, 2008 12:35 PM

Wait, a remake of a remake when the ORIGINAL had Marlon Brando and David Niven, and 25 years later the REMAKE had Steve Martin (pre-suckage) and Michael Caine? Who the fuck do they think they can cast that is better than either of those pairs? Assholes.

Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at September 26, 2008 12:40 PM

"I smell McConaughey and Stiller."

And what a horrible stench it is.

Posted by: MM at September 26, 2008 12:58 PM

hi there, long time reader, first time writer. I cannot cannot for the the life of me know why Fame should be remade with the same name. All those Step up, center stage etc movies already suck and have already been done. Oh well.

Posted by: stardust at September 26, 2008 1:57 PM

Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" itself a remake?

"Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is a remake of the 1964 film farce Bedtime Story. Steve Martin and Michael Caine take over the roles originally played by Marlon Brando and David Niven: two international con artists, plying their trade on gullible wealthy women up and down the Riviera. Martin and Caine vie over the honor of fleecing ingenuous heiress Glenne Headly (in a role originated by Shirley Jones). ~ Hal Erickson, All Movie Guide" (by way of the New York Times' web site).

So this is some sort of meta-remake? Does a remake of a remake cancel itself out? Should I expect a black hole to open in the center of the location swallowing up all of existence then?

Posted by: Armando at September 26, 2008 2:00 PM

You know, if I read the whole damn article before posting a comment it would save everyone so much trouble (mostly of having to deal with my claptrap). As it is, now I look like a douchebag who likes to make himself feel smart by repeating things in an article but with more esoteric and unwarranted detail. Great!

Posted by: Armando at September 26, 2008 2:02 PM

No! No! No! Somebody please make it stop!

Posted by: Cindy at September 26, 2008 2:45 PM

i hate everyone. where the hell is the murder tank when you need it???!!?!!

Posted by: tt_marie at September 26, 2008 2:59 PM

Virenda>> If Hollywood blew up, I'd be dead, but I guess I've come to terms with the fact that no one cares about that.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at September 26, 2008 3:02 PM

I care, DarthCorleone. ;)

Now stop whining like a sissy and go get the MurderTank.

Posted by: Sofía at September 26, 2008 3:06 PM

Why why why would you remake Fame? It belongs exactly where it is, with Bruno Martelli being weird and revolutionary with his electronic hooha and pissing off the teacher. What could that even be translated to now, making music via telekinesis? And the cheesiness worked because it was the 80s! All dance numbers are earnest and take place in the cafeteria or in the street and dammit I am just very irritated by this entire thing.

AND please leave Poltergeist the fuck alone. Please. There's nothing wrong with it, nothing you can improve. Just stop. Now.

Is it true someone is remaking Rosemary's Baby with Jessica Alba? Because THAT is shameful.

Posted by: Sharon at September 26, 2008 3:11 PM

"Is it true someone is remaking Rosemary's Baby with Jessica Alba?"

It is true - and you know what she does when she finds out, Sharon? Do you? I'll tell you what she does - she heads straight into the kitchen to scream into her oven.

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 26, 2008 3:32 PM

"Is it true someone is remaking Rosemary's Baby with Jessica Alba?"

It is true - and you know what she does when she finds out about her demon baby, Sharon? Do you? I'll tell you what she does - she heads straight into the kitchen to scream into her oven.

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 26, 2008 3:33 PM

Is it true someone is remaking Rosemary's Baby with Jessica Alba? Because THAT is shameful.

Sharon,

I DEMAND that you tell me you're joking. I don't even care if it's an obvious joke and I shouldnt have fallen for it. If you are serious and there's so much as a scintilla of truth in that statement, I may shit a literal brick.

Posted by: Mella at September 26, 2008 3:33 PM

What the SAM HILL HAPPENED THERE?! Geezum crow, that's something you don't see a heckuva lot of. Well punch me in the dingaling and dip me in molasses...


[... this message has been endorsed and approved by chris...]

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 26, 2008 3:38 PM

I have been awake for the last four days. Last night I finally went to sleep. Today I awoke(just a few minutes ago, effectively missing one of the reasons I haven't slept) to find out that they are not only remaking Poltergeist and Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, but motherfucking Rashomon. So, I'm going back to bed to dream of fluffy kittens and shiny unicorns that I will gladly strangle and gut to satisfy the blood lust of the first soulless demon that will smite all of those involved in this twattery. Wake me when the crazy stops.

Posted by: jM at September 26, 2008 3:40 PM

ohgodohgodohgodohgod

please please tell me not Rosemary's Baby

ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod

nonononononnononnonoononononoonononono

Posted by: "Sybil" "Knife Pile" von Beaverplatz at September 26, 2008 3:56 PM

Red Dawn..oh my god, we NEED to AVENGE THIS. AVENGE THIS!


WOLVERIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINES!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 26, 2008 4:00 PM

Maybe Jessica Alba will be playing the baby.

Posted by: Sofía at September 26, 2008 4:42 PM

Ugh on the duo they're tapping for this! Mconaheyhey and Filler Stiller are just. not. funny. at all, ok?!! I feel like it's insulting to the talents of Martin and Caine to remake DRS. There's no way to top the cinematic hilarity of it really.

Posted by: ph at September 26, 2008 5:09 PM

It's been years since I've seen DRS but the scene at the dinner table where SM says he needs to go to the bathroom, then has the most amazing facial expressions to show he's actually going to the bathroom. Right. There. Then MC's expression of horror when he realizes what just happened. Brilliant.

Posted by: snapnhiss at September 26, 2008 5:49 PM

Skitt;

That there made me laugh. And being the allergy ridden, snotty mess that I am, an honest to god bubble came out my nose. Dammit. I feel like that tiny asthmatic kid from Little Giants.

Apparently, Mella, commence the passing of said masonry. The remake has been confirmed.

Can you even imagine what fresh hell is going to happen with this one? The scary movie with no effects is going to just bang you over the head like "It's the devil! She's knocked up with devil spawn! Do you see what we're doing here? DEVIL!"
Ruth Gordon is dead, what's the point of remaking anything she's in? Next up will be Harold and Maude with Pete Wentz (because emo is just as good as emotionally disturbed) and Edie McClurg (quirky and now even older!). God help us.

Posted by: Sharon at September 26, 2008 6:32 PM

Because 10,000 movies screens can't go blank.

Posted by: bucdaddy at September 26, 2008 9:33 PM

"Oh, LADY Fanny of Omaha!"

Posted by: eliza at September 26, 2008 10:23 PM

I could see it working if they went for the tried and true Clooney/Pitt formula.

Posted by: Lucas at September 27, 2008 11:03 AM

Red Dawn was already remade - as an episode of South Park. Better than the original, too, which I regret to say was watched by me in a theater when I was still but a callow youth of 26. The air was filled with testosterone-laced chest-thumping Reaganism and Americans were so damned bullish they regularly cast about looking for tiny island nations to fuck over.

Red Dawn was about what any plot synopsis should relate - a Republican wet dream. I hear it's still shown around the Bush White House.

I shall deploy a flock of suicide vest-equipped Norway rats to unleash Hell upon the studio. They can go in to soften up the position before the Murder Tank shows up.

(Question: Is the Murder Tank about the size of the Megaweapon from Warrior of the Lost World? Just asking.)

Posted by: The Wanderer at September 27, 2008 12:48 PM

A throwaway line from The Real Frank Zappa Book springs to mind. Ahem.

"Eventually within the next quarter of a century, the nostalgia cycles will be so close together that people will not be ale to take a step without being nostalgic for the one they just took. At that point, everything stops. Death by nostalgia."

It's at hand, people. Prepare thyselves.

(If I was a real Pajiba-ite, I'd write "That is all" at the end of this post. However, I do but lurk.)

Posted by: Squrrox at September 28, 2008 11:23 PM

I believe, Squrrox that you are as real as you need to be.

Anyone who quotes Frank Zappa - well, you're OK by me.

Posted by: Bierce "Package Wichita" Ambrose at September 29, 2008 1:33 AM

The ONLY way I would watch a remake is if it was a film version of the John Lithgow/Norbert Leo Butz musical, because I didn't even get to see it on stage.

(I would also accept Jonathan Pryce replacing John Lithgow, or even playing the Police Inspector. Pirates movies alone won't sustain Sam Lowry.)

Posted by: Mike R. at September 29, 2008 11:11 AM

Sigh, Mike R. I agree, if Jonathan Pryce was in it I would go see the DRS remake. Is that a good enough excuse to bring him back?

Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at September 29, 2008 5:48 PM

I can honestly say that I don't care. Steve Martin, in his prime, never entertained me. Every now and then he'll go on Letterman and dance around and the audience will pretend to care, but c'mon. We don't.

Rashomon has been remade 1000 times already, and I guiltily liked the John Travolta version.

Oh hey what about that movie with Sigourney Weaver and Jennifer Love-Hugetits? That was pretty much DRS with a bit of tweaking, no (not George Sr. nip tweaking, mind you)?

Red Dawn came out 3 years before my birth, and that's something I'm damn proud of.

Posted by: Ben (THPBT) at September 30, 2008 2:59 AM