September 25, 2007 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | September 25, 2007 |


Back in the day, I was once approached by what must have been the only lesbian couple in all of Arkansas and asked to donate my — let’s see, how would Dan Fogler phrase this? — baby gravy. Young, dumb, and flattered as hell, I was happy to do whatever I needed to help this loving mustachioed couple bring a new mullet into the world (sorry, the stereotype fits here), and so I enthusiastically agreed to help out. I didn’t know how it worked, or really what to expect, but my lesbian friend wanted it to be very hush-hush, so she asked me to meet her in a dark, tucked-away part of our college campus, where she’d give me “my supplies.” I didn’t have the first idea what those “supplies” would consist of, but when I met her at the rendezvous point, she surreptitiously handed me a small, brown paper bag and quickly walked away. I felt like I should be looking for undercover cops. After class, I raced home and anxiously opened up the paper bag, only to find an empty baby-food jar inside and instructions to fill it and drop it in her mailbox after dark.

She was gonna turkey-baster my baby gravy!

Of course, I obliged, and when it didn’t work, I obliged again. After a couple of tries, however, I suppose they decided it was the goods that were defective and not the tools (joke’s on them!), so they moved onto their next candidate, thus preventing ‘Lil Pajiba from entering the world a decade too early (man, was that a bullet dodged). Anyway, I bring you another tale of my illicit past because Josh Gordon and Will Speck, the directing duo behind the hideously unfunny Blades of Glory are mining the comedic gold behind this premise for a movie called Baster (call me guys if you need a consultant or, you know, a bullet in the head). Actually, the script will be based upon a short-story from the author with Pajiba’s Greatest Book of the Generation, Jeffrey Eugenides and, instead of a lesbian couple, it’ll be about a 40-year-old unmarried woman who decides to use the turkey-baster method and sperm from a married friend. The Farrelly Brothers were originally attached, but I’m assuming they realized the premise didn’t have 90-minutes of comedy in it, so they handed it off to the two fellas who couldn’t possibly make anything less funny than Blades or their soon-to-air television show, Cavemen.

In a completely unrelated item, Anna Faris has been pegged to play Linda Lovelace in a biopic of her life, entitled Inferno. For those of you unfamiliar, Linda Lovelace started out her acting career in a couple of bestiality flicks, entitled Dog Fucker and Dogorama before going on to star in the seminal (!) porn chic flick,Deep Throat. Afterwards, of course, Lovelace went on to become a leading anti-porn advocate, claiming that she’d made Deep Throat only because her husband, Chuck Traynor, had held a gun to her head, a notion largely disproved in the documentary, Inside Deep Throat. Mathew Wilder is set to direct. And personally, I like Anna Faris, though she’s never made a movie I enjoyed (if you don’t count her supporting role in Brokeback Mountain), and I’m curious as hell as to whether Farris will claim in the film, as Lovelace did, that she had a clitoris in the back of her throat — can you imagine eating Grape Nuts with one of those?

[Aside: Many of you have complained in recent weeks about ads on our site for the likes of Anne Coulter and Newt Gingrich, asking why we’d allow them to advertise here. Those ads are automated by Google — Google scans your page and delivers ads it thinks are relevant to your text. For some reason it believes that we are a site sympathetic to right-wing crazies. I mention this only to preempt the inevitable complaints with regard to whatever ads Google sends us after scanning “Dog Fucker” and “Deep Throat” from this page.]

Elsewhere, in news that has absolutely nothing to do with sex, James Gunn — the director of the phenomenal Slither, as well as the Tromatastic Tromeo and Juliet — has signed on to direct the Ben Stiller produced Pets, about a man that is abducted by aliens and made to serve as their … well, pet. And while Gunn also has Dawn of the Dead’s script to his name, he’s also written the two Scooby Doo movies. So, I have no idea where that puts us, but since Stiller is producing, I’m going to tip the scales toward no damn good.

To update an item we ran a few months ago, George Miller — director of Happy Feet, Babe: Pig in the City and Mad Max — has been hired to direct the Justice League movie. Still no names have been attached to star in the roles of Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, and Aquaman, though the film is almost certain to not only disappoint, but to dilute the value of Christopher Nolan’s resurgent Batman franchise. And honestly, all I care about is whether the Wonder Twins will appear.

Out on DVD this week is the two-disc, rated or unrated version of one of the year’s better movies, Knocked Up. I don’t buy a lot of DVDs, but this is one that will most certainly be part of my collection. And who else thinks that Apatow should make a buddy-cop flick starring Haverchuck (Martin Starr) and McLovin (Christopher Mintz-Plasse)? How good would that be? Evening will also be released today, not that you should care.

In the trailer watch, when you make one of the great cult flicks of all time (Donnie Darko), I don’t advise waiting five or six years to make your next movie: Expectations will be high, and you’re almost certain not to meet them. And when your movie stars The Rock, Justin Timberlake, Sean William Scott, Sara Michelle Gellar, and freakin’ Jon Lovitz, you may as well bend over now and await the critical and audience spanking you’re about to receive. Damn, Richard Kelly. We had so much hope. Here’s the trailer for his DD follow-up, Southland Tales — and I’m sorry to say, it looks like a very well edited trailer for a very bad straight-to-DVD flick.

Finally, I wanted to thank you all for playing our nonprofit comment diversion last week. It appears that Doctors without Borders is the winner of our $250 contribution. I’d wanted to start a small fundraiser on the site, but the logistics of doing so with that particular organization doesn’t seem plausible — at least in a way that we can track it and offer tax receipts (as opposed to Heifer, which had a wedding-registry style setup). So, I will just encourage you all to donate directly to Doctors without Borders, an exceptional nonprofit organization that delivers emergency aid to people affected by armed conflict, epidemics, natural or man-made disasters, or exclusion from health care in more than 70 countries. You oughtn’t need our prompting, I reckon, to contribute to a very worthy cause.

Inside-Deep-Throat_Poster.jpg

Deep Pajiba? Pajiba Throat?

The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | September 25, 2007 | Comments ()



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