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By Brian Prisco | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (28)

daniel_radcliffe_and_lily_rabe.jpg

Daniel “Ding-Dong Wand” Radcliffe has decided that in his post-Potter future he’s going to sell all that goodwill to the pearl-clutching gals. He’s starring in The Lucky One, a Nicholas Sparks adaptation less believable than a rollicking adventure about an orphan who saves the wizarding world from The English Patient gone wild. Radcliffe will star as a marine who discovers a photograph of a beautiful young girl in Iraq. Committing romantic serial crime number 4, he tracks her down and starts up a romance with this child-rearing divorcee. Thank God they cast Lily Rabe, because otherwise I’d have to make a career-ruining joke. But who the fuck is Lily Rabe?

It’s Nick Sparks, who fists a teddy bear with a Thomas Kinkade painting worth of violin strings and Kleenex every time he pens a tale, so you know it’s going to be awful. Is it me, or is there just a fucking preponderance of these military-based romantic dramas as of late? I feel like I’m gagging on a Dingleberry flavored Bertie Botts.

As soon as production wraps on film seven part twain, Emma Watson’s about fit to peel off her kit for the first paycheck that rolls along. Rupert Grint’s been picking some solid secondhand products. But my hope is that Neville and Malfoy star in the next Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels-derivative. Oh, Harry. You were the Boy Who Lived with the dangly wang. Keep fishing, lad.

(Source: Slashfilm)









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Comments

Wow. I don't do Potter so I didn't understand a fucking word of that. But it was beautiful, in a batshit way. AdventureMan beautiful. AdventureMan batshit.

Um ... anybody ever seen Prisco and AM in the same room?

Posted by: , at February 26, 2010 10:04 AM

Chicks love Nicholas Sparks. It'll be awful but it's most likely a smart move for Daniel. I'll go see it, probably, maybe.

Posted by: beezandhoney at February 26, 2010 10:06 AM

I am a chick. And I hate Nick Sparks. I cannot stand his schmalty, "heart wrenching," formulaic view of romance. This sentence made my day.
"It’s Nick Sparks, who fists a teddy bear with a Thomas Kinkade painting worth of violin strings and Kleenex every time he pens a tale, so you know it’s going to be awful."
Thank you.

Posted by: Nimue at February 26, 2010 10:20 AM

He'll always be the boy that lived. Hope he can live with that.

Look, a unicorn!

Posted by: Xtreme at February 26, 2010 10:23 AM

I loathe Nicholas Sparks ever since I actually read one of his schmaltzy sickening books (The Notebook). I want to deep-fry him in his own vat of maple syrup. (Can you fry something in syrup?)

Bad idea, little Daniel.

Posted by: lainiefig at February 26, 2010 10:23 AM

My 14 y.o. daughter TiVo'd The Notebook because all her friends loved it. She watched it the other night while I was doing something on my laptop, and one line near the end made me look up and gag. I don't remember what it was, but it was especially treacly and stupid.

As she was going off to bed, she said she liked the movie, and I sighed and told her I despaired of her taste sometimes. She stomped upstairs saying, "Leave me alone, Mom, I'm a hormonal 14-year-old girl. This movie was made for me!"

I think they should use that quote on all Nicolas Spark movie posters.

Posted by: Wednesday at February 26, 2010 10:27 AM

Ew, Nicholas Sparks. I want to fart in his mouth. (Clearly, I'm a lady of sparkling tastes.)

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at February 26, 2010 10:32 AM

I love you, Nimue and Pinky. Speaking as a chick myself, I would rather ram Nicholas Sparks from behind with a bazooka than read his weepy driveling crap or watch adaptations thereof.

So say we all.

Posted by: dammitjanet at February 26, 2010 10:51 AM

"Leave me alone, Mom, I'm a hormonal 14-year-old girl. This movie was made for me!"

I think they should use that quote on all Nicolas Spark movie posters.
...........

-Then what would they slap on all the Twilight stuff?

Posted by: bleujayone at February 26, 2010 10:57 AM

"Emma Watson’s about fit to peel off her kit for the first paycheck that rolls along"

Actually, Ms. Watson has made it very clear that, unless something particularly interesting comes her way, she doesn't intend to act ever again. She intends to continue modeling for the time being, but after that she seems perfectly content to fade into obscurity.

Now, that's an easy enough promise to make while you're still hugely popular, so I guess we'll see. But let me just say, as someone who has a great deal of respect for Watson as a young woman, getting out of acting would be doing us all a huge favor.

Posted by: vercordio at February 26, 2010 11:07 AM

OK, I'm not Adventureman, but I had a go at the first sentence.

Daniel "Ding - Dong magic wand" Post - Potter radkliffe has shown good believes in the future for all events at this time, decided to sell the farm for Girls.

Oh, Godtopus, I couldn't make that up.

Posted by: BWeaves at February 26, 2010 11:25 AM

Pinky, I think I love you.

Also, would any of you lady types actually date a complete stranger who showed up on your doorstep after tracking you down by a photo he picked up on the other side of the planet? A stranger who has easy access to automatic weapons and probably suffers from PTSD? That has "Local woman found chopped into hamburger" written all over it.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at February 26, 2010 11:34 AM

But who the fuck is Lily Rabe?
It’s Nick Sparks

That took more than a few re-reads from me. I was starting to think that Nick Sparks had finally gone off the deep end from all the hunks getting cast in movies based on his shitty books and decided to drag it up Shakespeare In Love-style to make it with Harry Potter.

I mean, if there was ever a time to cast expelliarmus, that would be it.

Posted by: ChristianH at February 26, 2010 11:37 AM

I would happily drown Nicholas Sparks in a vat of uncooked treacle as payment for the horrific view of women, romance and the world in general that he perpetrates with every tortured phrase. Also because they keep making fucking movies out of his bullshit tripe.

What sort of woman doesn't immediately call the cops on a random stranger who found her picture in a foreign country and tracked her ass down. That's the sort of guy who makes pajamas out of your skin then sits around petting your picture and muttering "pretty, pretty" or mounts your head on his wall with his other "trophies." Then again, THAT movie I might see.

Posted by: Reba at February 26, 2010 11:44 AM

I want to fart in his mouth.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at February 26, 2010 10:32 AM
---
If I can't get away from that fucking Human Centipede image on a Nicholas Sparks thread, then NO where and NO one is safe ...

Posted by: , at February 26, 2010 11:51 AM

Oh, Tracer. You KNOW you love me!

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at February 26, 2010 11:59 AM

What sort of woman doesn't immediately call the cops on a random stranger who found her picture in a foreign country and tracked her ass down. That's the sort of guy who makes pajamas out of your skin then sits around petting your picture and muttering "pretty, pretty" or mounts your head on his wall with his other "trophies." Then again, THAT movie I might see.

Posted by: Reba at February 26, 2010 11:44 AM

I saw both of those movies, Silence of the Lambs and Sin City. I'd rather be forced to watch them on a continuous loop, a la Alex DeLarge, than have anything to do with ANYTHING Nicholas Sparks.

Hey, that's a good idea. Lets find every cinematic example of what happens when stalkery is involved and tie Sparks to a chair, duct-tape his eyeballs open and show him. Start with Pandora's Box.

Posted by: dammitjanet at February 26, 2010 1:12 PM

I feel like I’m gagging on a Dingleberry flavored Bertie Botts.

Heh.

I told my coworker that loves Nicholas Sparks (who is a raging idiot, I add superfluously) that you don't ever need to actually read one of Nicholas Sparks's books to know what happens. Against all odds/expectations two people fall in love. They declare their undying love for each other. They face an obstacle that threatens to tear them apart. They reunite briefly. One of them dies. The end.

Posted by: Even Stevens at February 26, 2010 1:15 PM

I'm not really sure what you are on, but I'd like two please.

Posted by: frobme at February 26, 2010 1:20 PM

Who is Lily Rabe? She's a Broadway actress and the daughter of Jill Clayburg and playwright David Rabe (hurly burly, In The Boom Boom Room).

so there.

Posted by: Withnails at February 26, 2010 2:17 PM

Don't they have size requirements to be a Marine? Because Daniel is wee. Slight and wee. You could take him down with a spitball.

Posted by: Lauren at February 26, 2010 3:11 PM

Is this Human Centipede some kind of James Joyce biopic?

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at February 26, 2010 10:19 PM

Ah Balls! What is D-Rad thinking? He is a decent actor and, I thought, smarter than this. I saw equus and he was fucking good! I unashamedly love Harry Potter and Daniel Radcliffe. Needless to say I am fucking pissed about this. Fucking Nicholas Sparks is specifically out to destroy me I swear to god. He takes actors I really like and respect (Rachel Mcadams, James Marsden, Ryan Gosling etc) and RUINS them with shittastic pieces of schmaltzy nonsense. FUCK ALL OF THIS. I quit!

Posted by: E-Money at February 27, 2010 1:16 AM

Well fuck me crooked with a coat hanger.

I appear to be the only person in the goddamn Pajibaverse who liked The Notebook. Ryan Gosling did his usual tortured soul, James Marsden did his typical I'm a rich kid but I smile pretty, and Rachel McAdams looked fantastic and drool worthy in the costumes. Let us not forget the fact that James Garner and Gena Rowlands were that wonderful couple who had been married forever.

I still cry my goddamn eyes out at the end of that movie. Every. Fucking. Time.

And you people think I have no soul. Pffffft.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at February 27, 2010 12:20 PM

"Emma Watson’s about fit to peel off her kit for the first paycheck that rolls along" more importantly will she ever get nekked now that shes legal.

Posted by: clancys_daddy at February 27, 2010 12:31 PM

Seeking the successful singles and take care of you - perhaps financially? http://euageless.com/ celebrates age gap dating and romance.

Posted by: Jim at February 28, 2010 9:50 PM

Jim, did you just spambot oldman sex at us? I think that's a new high!

Posted by: Dagon at March 2, 2010 4:04 AM

It is just a rumor. The characters in the book are in their late twenties/early thirties (the woman has a 12 year old son).
Daniel Racliffe is only 21! Simmer down, people and just wait until they announce the official cast.

Posted by: Caty at April 7, 2010 1:11 PM