Pajiba

I couldn't even make it through the clip. I've never seen him in anything before, and I hope to never have to see him again.

Dane Cook's favorite movie is Crash. He thinks it's totally deep and way true, bro. His favorite actress is Katherine Heigl. He loves the way she represents for strong bitches everywhere, chief.

Also, he loves being tied up and fucked in the ass with a giant rubber cock, then being forced to suck on it until he pukes. Dan Fogler is his dominatrix.

"I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat - unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead."

Real Dane Cook quote - anybody up for some turkey? Well tenderized... Extra salty... Filled with by-products... Tastes like chicken!

He is a walking personification of suck. When he speaks extemporaneously, it just confirms to you that he sucks. When he's making a joke, you know before the punchline it's going to suck. Expressing any fondness towards him is an indictment of sucking. When somebody quotes his stand-up in a social situation, you know immediately that this person sucks. When the girl I used to hook-up with explained to me how funny he was in Employee of the Month, we stopped fucking. ERGO Dane Cook kept me from having guilt-free sex. Fuck. That. Douche.

I would eat deep-fried balls over a taint flavored pilaf before I watched Dane Cook do anything.

So, Mr. Dane 'Get down on your lily-pixie-dusted-lolly-pop-burger-encrusted-knees and suck my' Cook, you think you're funny? You think you're reaaaal funny? Well, my douche b'fagarito seminal-fluid-stained-lipstick-on-a-douch, you are not. *Dane Cook Glare*

I'm actually really sorry. In my attempt to channel Dane-ish humour, I forgot a punchline.

I don't love Dane Cook.

I don't hate Dane Cook.

I just don't care about Dane Cook.

He's not worth the effort.

I would rather have crippling ass-pee for 2 hours than sit through any Dane Cook-smeared movie. I wish I could hire a group of Ukrainian mercenaries to surprise-sex him until every opening he has is puffy and distended.

In his defense, I bet he sucks a mean dick.

Dane Cook is the cinematic equivalent of having your penis inverted without any painkillers. I think anyone who likes Dane Cook, or has even chuckled passingly at a Dane Cook joke, should be taken out in the street and have their genitalia shot off and then tacked to their forehead with rusty nails.

I've got nothing. This is the sort of thing that just sends me into exasperated gibberish. "Goddamn motherfucking idiot piece of arrg rahr rrr...." *starts waving kitchen knife at nothing in particular
(so basically he has the same effect on me as making pie crust, except without the promise of delicious pie at the end.)

Dane Cook is the Ur-Douche, the uberdouche, the archetypal basis for all those guys from high school who everyone thought was funny but really was a talentless hack. Using the film analogy of Twins, George Carlin is Ahnode: all the most desirable and culturally valuable traits that could be crammed into one person. Dane Cock is the leftovers. While other comedians are writing and working their craft, Douche Cook is doing leg presses while talking to his biceps. If the scenario from the Simpsons Treehouse of Terror ever takes place, and all the smart people are on one rocket to safety and the worst(Tom Arnold, BillyBob Thornton and Carrot Top included)are on a rocket plunging into the sun, Damn Cook would be tied to both rockets, and split down the middle in the troposphere at the speed of sound.

"he goes out EVERY. DAY. he does the work, he makes money, he's putting out product, he electrifies. "

Yeah. So does a guy who works in the factory that makes extension cords. Should he have a movie career too?

Thing is... You went to high school with Dane Cook. We all did. He was that kid, who wasn't really friends with anyone, but friends with everyone. He wasn't the football player, he was the towel boy. He wasn't in drama, he was a stage hand. He didn't have a table in the lunch room. He just walked around making sad, horrible jokes, and for some reason stealing everyones milk. But no one would tell him to, "Go fuck yourself!", or grant him the much needed, "Shut the fuck up!"...

No. We were all too nice. So he walked down his sad, lonely path thinking he had one thing to offer to the world: his comedy. All instead of reinforcing his uselessness, we all half-heartidly cheered him on as not to hurt his feelings.

Well nice people; kind souls; big hearted folk; the "understanding" has sowed this be thy name: DANE COOK.

In a way it's who we all deserve.

I once had a gaping puss filled anal wound that would not heal no matter how many medicated pads I used.

I named it Dane Cook.

I can't fucking stand this guy. He has said a total of two funny things in his entire career and I am pretty sure those were on accident. He is the favorite comedian of date-rapists worldwide. Frankly, I think that Police should use Dane Cook's myspace friend list as a identification line up for college girls who were violated at frat parties.

"Is this the faux-hawked gentleman with the popped polo collar that slipped something in your drink? How about this guy? This one?"

And the thing that gets me the most is his smug fucking face whenever I see a picture of him. Like he is some kind of iconoclastic comedic mastermind because he told a nasty sex trick to a group of children.

"Oh man! He said taint! He truly is the Richard Pryor of our day!"

I get the feeling that he saw a really good comedian and thought "But, he's a nerd! Why are people laughing? I can do this. If a nerd can do this The Cook-meister can do it too!"

See good comedians are underdogs. And Dane Cook was the Ass-Paddler #1 of his frat. So fuck him and his fans. They wouldn't know good comedy if it blew a "dirty houdini" on their smug faces.

Dane Cook? More like Dane Shnook!

There's a certain beauty in using other people's material to insult Dane Cook, since in his Stand Up he uses other people's material to insult his audience/profession/God.

Brian--funny story:

There was one of those guys in the dorm I worked at my freshman year in college. I remember him trying to impress me with his tattoo of a pumpkin (I shit you not). All of the nice ways of telling him off ("Uh, MY BOYFRIEND and I have plans," "I have a lot of homework," "Um, I have to go get drunk now") weren't working.

So he saunters in one day, all cocky moron jokes and "Looka my greasy faux hawk and way neato distressed shirt," and gives me his "going to harass you for the next two hours with how cool I am because I'm a fuckwit" look. And I went off on him.

I believe my exact words, to a shocked but appreciative audience of some of his other dorm-dwelling victims, were "I FUCKING HATE THAT KID!" while pointing at his dumbstruck (and just plain dumb) face. And he responded, "Geeze, fine, I can take a hint."

So yeah, Dane Cook--"I FUCKING HATE THAT KID!"

fucking douchebag shitpants turdface mcstupiderston.

My brain can't even conjure anything witty to call that cockhat. Bitchfaced...uh...cabbage.

There's a surprisingly small number of comments on this post. What's the deal?

Are Pajibans just adverse to having anyone ASKING for insults? Do we just prefer to randomly spout off vile and foul language when we HAVEN'T been asked?

Because, come ON, if anyone deserves a bitchslap, it's this douchebag. I expected better from you, people!

I have a feeling that, were he to actually use a douche (a kind of M.C. Escher mind-fuck), what came out would look like an alphabet stew of all the proper letters he's discarded over the years to make words like saaaaangwich funny, suspended in hair gel.

Honestly, who else could perform the actual Dementor's kiss on Kate Hudson's career, who has already done Fool's Gold? That's like beating the dead horse's young filly of a

What the fuck is it with straight girls and this guy? The other day a friend of mine and I were going through our decapitation list and came to Dane Cook (he's between Michael Bay and whoever came up with the "Q" in the whole GLBTQ thing). His date was just shocked that we'd revel in his public execution like a couple of French revolutionaries fighting the crowd to get close enough to his twitching stump to soak up a bit of his gushing blood on our handkerchiefs for souvenirs. When we explained all the ways that he's the Antichrist, she was all "but he's funny, and he's so cute". When we asked her what she thought about him is funny, she couldn't come up with fucking a thing, and fell back on "he's so cute" again. Listen, I may be as gay as Sarah Palin is retarded, but I'd let Christian Bale do unspeakable things to me, so it's not like I can't discern if a guy is hot, but it completely baffles me that this cockmonkey turns girls on. I get looking past someone's duchy/crazy/might leave you tied to a bed points because they're uber hot, but this guy? Seriously?

Wow, you can still comment here. I wish I knew about this post earlier.

Dane Cook is the shit demon from Dogma. He's the cinematic equivelent of the least funny parts of Ben Stiller skits and the spirit form of the shittiness of Mind of Mencia getting together and having an ass baby, then that baby was molested by Andy Dick!

The only person less funny than Dane Cook is Carlos Mencia, and if I could, I'd send both of them to Honduras to be assassinated by drug dealers.

Oddly enough, I can't believe his last film wasn't that bad. He almost became a three time Golden Pajiba winner. At least he's proven that his douchiness can be put to proper use.

I also hate Jason Biggs, and how he got to fuck Allison Hannigan in 3 fucking American Pie movies. Him, I hate just as much as Cook, but he hasn't even shown that he can be useful.

Oh well, Dustin said it best, at least with the movie we can have our cake and make Dane Cook choke on it too.