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Dane Cook Pleads for a Heapin’ Helping of Eye Ball Sodomy
Let’s Give It To Him! / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | September 18, 2008 | Comments (43)


danecookdddd.jpgDane Cook’s new movie, My Best Friend’s Girl comes out this weekend. I’m the not-so-fortunate reviewer who plucked the short straw and will have to suffer through it (and by “plucked the short straw,” I mean: I assigned it to myself because I couldn’t bear to subject anyone else to it). Here’s a clip from the movie, where he explains the Dirty Houdini to a group of pre-adolescents at a wedding, a scene that might have been funny in 1991, though it seems unlikely.

Anyway, I’ve reviewed — I dunno — three or four Dane Cook “romantic-comedies” in the past, and I’ve pretty much exhausted my arsenal of Dane Cook insults (my personal favorite, by the by, is “douche-tongued lothario”).

So, do me a solid, if you would. I’d be much obliged. After watching the above clip, tell me what you think of Dane Cook. Use as much profanity and/or colorful language as you’d like. Bonus points if you can offend Dane Cook fans at the same time. And, in exchange, I’ll find a way to incorporate my favorite Dane Cook descriptions/insults into tomorrow’s review. And if the trailer isn’t enough inspiration, those of you in the Metro Boston area might find the proper impetus in this: Yesterday was Dane Cook Day in Boston. Congratulations, Beantown! You’ve just given a special day to the Crown Prince of Douche.

Please: Have fun with it.









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Comments

I couldn't even make it through the clip. I've never seen him in anything before, and I hope to never have to see him again.

Posted by: Cindy at September 18, 2008 9:14 AM

"Sang-wich", "B.K. Lounge"
Can God do us a solid
And bring back Dahmer?

Posted by: branded at September 18, 2008 9:30 AM

Dane Cook's favorite movie is Crash. He thinks it's totally deep and way true, bro. His favorite actress is Katherine Heigl. He loves the way she represents for strong bitches everywhere, chief.

Also, he loves being tied up and fucked in the ass with a giant rubber cock, then being forced to suck on it until he pukes. Dan Fogler is his dominatrix.

Posted by: Sean at September 18, 2008 9:34 AM

Was that clip supposed to be funny? Was that the clip that's supposed to make me want to see the movie? Holy fucking, smoking, putrid, steaming knobbers of Hercules! Who in the frak, frell, gorram, shazbot, smeg thought this Cook bozon was funny?

Posted by: BWeaves at September 18, 2008 9:40 AM

"I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat - unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead."

Real Dane Cook quote - anybody up for some turkey? Well tenderized... Extra salty... Filled with by-products... Tastes like chicken!

Posted by: epimethea at September 18, 2008 9:42 AM

*cue me in Phil*

It's very easy to slam on Dane Cook, but you can't deny that he goes out EVERY. DAY. he does the work, he makes money, he's putting out product, he electrifies.
I'd like to see any of you douchebags be as productive as he is. America is going through some hard times right now, and to tell you the truth, you pinkos are not what we need.

We need more Danes.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 18, 2008 9:48 AM

He is a walking personification of suck. When he speaks extemporaneously, it just confirms to you that he sucks. When he's making a joke, you know before the punchline it's going to suck. Expressing any fondness towards him is an indictment of sucking. When somebody quotes his stand-up in a social situation, you know immediately that this person sucks. When the girl I used to hook-up with explained to me how funny he was in Employee of the Month, we stopped fucking. ERGO Dane Cook kept me from having guilt-free sex. Fuck. That. Douche.

I would eat deep-fried balls over a taint flavored pilaf before I watched Dane Cook do anything.

Posted by: Billowing Backpacks at September 18, 2008 9:49 AM

Dane Cook is total anguish, and not worth a cuntful of cold water.

Posted by: Hazel Dean at September 18, 2008 9:54 AM

So, Mr. Dane 'Get down on your lily-pixie-dusted-lolly-pop-burger-encrusted-knees and suck my' Cook, you think you're funny? You think you're reaaaal funny? Well, my douche b'fagarito seminal-fluid-stained-lipstick-on-a-douch, you are not. *Dane Cook Glare*


I'm actually really sorry. In my attempt to channel Dane-ish humour, I forgot a punchline.

Posted by: BQuieves at September 18, 2008 9:56 AM

I've never wanted to actually make someone "kiss a curb" until I watched that clip. The idea of it would, under normal circumstances, make me cringe, but hearing Dane Cook's teeth shatter against concrete would be music to my ears.

Posted by: Kolby at September 18, 2008 10:01 AM

I don't love Dane Cook.

I don't hate Dane Cook.

I just don't care about Dane Cook.

He's not worth the effort.

Posted by: Alabamapink at September 18, 2008 10:08 AM

Dane... Dane Cook?

Dane Cook...

Right! I date-raped him in college.

So he's an actor now?

Huh.

Good for him.

Posted by: Macafee at September 18, 2008 10:26 AM

I would rather have crippling ass-pee for 2 hours than sit through any Dane Cook-smeared movie. I wish I could hire a group of Ukrainian mercenaries to surprise-sex him until every opening he has is puffy and distended.

In his defense, I bet he sucks a mean dick.

Posted by: firedmyass at September 18, 2008 10:28 AM

Dane Cook:Comedy
=
One's own sauteed testicles:Valentine's Day dinner.

Posted by: Ed at September 18, 2008 10:44 AM

Dane Cook is the cinematic equivalent of having your penis inverted without any painkillers. I think anyone who likes Dane Cook, or has even chuckled passingly at a Dane Cook joke, should be taken out in the street and have their genitalia shot off and then tacked to their forehead with rusty nails.

Posted by: chenry at September 18, 2008 10:47 AM

I have a despise-slightly despise less relationship with Dane Cook.

On the one hand, he prevents people from watching decent comedians (Seriously, all Dane Cook fans should just switch over to Daniel Tosh, similar type of comedy except actually hilarious) much like Coldplay prevents people from listening to decent musicians

On the other hand, every time I've met someone that I really like and enjoy spending time with recently, it eventually comes up that they "love Dane Cook! He's so funny!" Which makes me feel like Rob in High Fidelity (in the book, there's a scene where Laura [after they've gotten back together] takes Rob to have dinner with a couple she knows and after dinner they stumble across the topic of music and it turns out this couple has AWFUL taste in music despite the fact that Rob has already decided he likes them. Laura was trying to teach him that musical taste doesn't dictate the character of a person) and High Fidelity is one of my favorite books so that's always a plus.

Despite the latter, I still wholeheartedly believe that Dane Cook is a mystery meat douchenugget deep-fried in ass sweat and dunked in chauvinistic asshat sauce.

If I had one wish, it would be to resurrect Humphrey Bogart from the dead (and to have him magically de-age back into a thirtysomething) and get to watch him kick Dane Cook's ass then burn his big, fat head with cigarettes until he whimpered for mercy.

I'd also like Vincent Price to give play-by-play.

Posted by: Renee at September 18, 2008 10:54 AM

I've got nothing. This is the sort of thing that just sends me into exasperated gibberish. "Goddamn motherfucking idiot piece of arrg rahr rrr...." *starts waving kitchen knife at nothing in particular
(so basically he has the same effect on me as making pie crust, except without the promise of delicious pie at the end.)

Posted by: s. pisaster at September 18, 2008 11:06 AM

Dane Cook is like the retarded, inbred abortion survivor of the most hideous creatures from The Hills Have Eyes plus the congeled spirits formed by the shittiness of classic Ed Wood movies. Even Steve Carrell doesn't like him. And he loves everybody. What does that make Dane Cook? Nobody.

He's like the holocaust of comedy. Only less funny.

Posted by: AudioSuede at September 18, 2008 11:08 AM

Dane Cook is the Ur-Douche, the uberdouche, the archetypal basis for all those guys from high school who everyone thought was funny but really was a talentless hack. Using the film analogy of Twins, George Carlin is Ahnode: all the most desirable and culturally valuable traits that could be crammed into one person. Dane Cock is the leftovers. While other comedians are writing and working their craft, Douche Cook is doing leg presses while talking to his biceps. If the scenario from the Simpsons Treehouse of Terror ever takes place, and all the smart people are on one rocket to safety and the worst(Tom Arnold, BillyBob Thornton and Carrot Top included)are on a rocket plunging into the sun, Damn Cook would be tied to both rockets, and split down the middle in the troposphere at the speed of sound.

Posted by: the cox at September 18, 2008 11:14 AM

Dane Cook, plainly training for the Olympic douche-athelon, offends at such a sublime level that when his little co-star there says, "I don't get it," you're actually relieved that Cook's evil string of misogynistic profanities actually went over the heads of these little boys who had to sit there and listen to him verbally pleasure his own adolescent ego. One hopes that when Cook inevitably spends time in prison, his bunkie named "HoKilla" will give him an actual "dirty Houdini", three shows a night, ending each performance with, "Now go ask your mom, bitch."

Posted by: hater from siloam springs at September 18, 2008 11:18 AM

"he goes out EVERY. DAY. he does the work, he makes money, he's putting out product, he electrifies. "

Yeah. So does a guy who works in the factory that makes extension cords. Should he have a movie career too?

Posted by: boredreporter at September 18, 2008 11:18 AM

I don't think the guy is very funny, or funny at all actually. But the amount of vitriol I've heard reserved for him is disturbing. It's one thing to hate the guy's work, its another to wish the gruesome, elaborate (and occasionally hilarious) torture on the man himself. Besides, Jason Biggs is clearly more of a harbinger for terrble movies than Dane. If anybody should have their genitalia shot off and then tacked to their forehead with rusty nails, it should CLEARLY be him.

Posted by: tcs at September 18, 2008 11:19 AM

Thing is... You went to high school with Dane Cook. We all did. He was that kid, who wasn't really friends with anyone, but friends with everyone. He wasn't the football player, he was the towel boy. He wasn't in drama, he was a stage hand. He didn't have a table in the lunch room. He just walked around making sad, horrible jokes, and for some reason stealing everyones milk. But no one would tell him to, "Go fuck yourself!", or grant him the much needed, "Shut the fuck up!"...

No. We were all too nice. So he walked down his sad, lonely path thinking he had one thing to offer to the world: his comedy. All instead of reinforcing his uselessness, we all half-heartidly cheered him on as not to hurt his feelings.

Well nice people; kind souls; big hearted folk; the "understanding" has sowed this be thy name: DANE COOK.

In a way it's who we all deserve.

Posted by: Brian at September 18, 2008 11:26 AM

Here's what I think of Dane Cook.
http://www.myspace.com/fuckdanecook

Posted by: Lucas at September 18, 2008 11:39 AM

I once had a gaping puss filled anal wound that would not heal no matter how many medicated pads I used.

I named it Dane Cook.

Posted by: Admin11 at September 18, 2008 12:47 PM

A different trailer for this abomination used a song by my summer romance, Mika. Seeing Dane Cook's face while the song played had some kind of psychological conditioning effect on me, and now I can't stop thinking about Summer's Eve when the song comes up on the old iPod.


He's like the male equivalent of Rainbow Killer.

Posted by: Anne at September 18, 2008 12:52 PM

I can't fucking stand this guy. He has said a total of two funny things in his entire career and I am pretty sure those were on accident. He is the favorite comedian of date-rapists worldwide. Frankly, I think that Police should use Dane Cook's myspace friend list as a identification line up for college girls who were violated at frat parties.

"Is this the faux-hawked gentleman with the popped polo collar that slipped something in your drink? How about this guy? This one?"

And the thing that gets me the most is his smug fucking face whenever I see a picture of him. Like he is some kind of iconoclastic comedic mastermind because he told a nasty sex trick to a group of children.

"Oh man! He said taint! He truly is the Richard Pryor of our day!"

I get the feeling that he saw a really good comedian and thought "But, he's a nerd! Why are people laughing? I can do this. If a nerd can do this The Cook-meister can do it too!"

See good comedians are underdogs. And Dane Cook was the Ass-Paddler #1 of his frat. So fuck him and his fans. They wouldn't know good comedy if it blew a "dirty houdini" on their smug faces.

Posted by: Tanner at September 18, 2008 1:55 PM

Dane Cook is so tangibly loathsome that when he's out and about, douching it up around the town, puppies lose their cute and fluffy demeanour and bite toddlers without really knowing why, plants stop photosynthesizing in an effort both to commit suicide and to starve that small Dane Cook-sized corner of the world of oxygen, and homeless people think to themselves, "I may sleep in a pool of my own urine every single night, but at least I'm not him."

Posted by: Dill The Devil at September 18, 2008 2:24 PM

Dane Cook? More like Dane Shnook!

Posted by: screwtape at September 18, 2008 2:36 PM

Dane Cook:
i'm funny.
I'm Funny.
I'M FUNNY!
I'M REALLY FUCKING FUNNY YOU TAINT LICKING MOTHERFUCKERS!!

By Dane Cook logic everything becomes much more hilarious by screaming and adding vulgarities. Noted.

Posted by: kell at September 18, 2008 2:52 PM

There's a certain beauty in using other people's material to insult Dane Cook, since in his Stand Up he uses other people's material to insult his audience/profession/God.

Posted by: Grrargh at September 18, 2008 4:22 PM

Dane Cook:Comedy
=
One's own sauteed testicles:Valentine's Day dinner.

This was the best.

Posted by: Yer Mom at September 18, 2008 5:54 PM

Brian--funny story:

There was one of those guys in the dorm I worked at my freshman year in college. I remember him trying to impress me with his tattoo of a pumpkin (I shit you not). All of the nice ways of telling him off ("Uh, MY BOYFRIEND and I have plans," "I have a lot of homework," "Um, I have to go get drunk now") weren't working.

So he saunters in one day, all cocky moron jokes and "Looka my greasy faux hawk and way neato distressed shirt," and gives me his "going to harass you for the next two hours with how cool I am because I'm a fuckwit" look. And I went off on him.

I believe my exact words, to a shocked but appreciative audience of some of his other dorm-dwelling victims, were "I FUCKING HATE THAT KID!" while pointing at his dumbstruck (and just plain dumb) face. And he responded, "Geeze, fine, I can take a hint."

So yeah, Dane Cook--"I FUCKING HATE THAT KID!"

Posted by: frumpiefox at September 18, 2008 6:19 PM

Even the little boys at the table recognize what an impacted load he is.

Posted by: greer at September 18, 2008 6:32 PM

fucking douchebag shitpants turdface mcstupiderston.

My brain can't even conjure anything witty to call that cockhat. Bitchfaced...uh...cabbage.

Posted by: figgylicious at September 18, 2008 8:00 PM

What kind of douchetard tries to make his real hair look like hair plugs? Seriously?

Posted by: Elfrieda at September 18, 2008 8:22 PM

There's a surprisingly small number of comments on this post. What's the deal?

Are Pajibans just adverse to having anyone ASKING for insults? Do we just prefer to randomly spout off vile and foul language when we HAVEN'T been asked?

Because, come ON, if anyone deserves a bitchslap, it's this douchebag. I expected better from you, people!

Posted by: figgylicious at September 19, 2008 12:48 AM

There`s nothing less cool than trying too hard. Oh wait, there`s trying too hard and failing.

Posted by: dan at September 19, 2008 1:38 AM

I have a feeling that, were he to actually use a douche (a kind of M.C. Escher mind-fuck), what came out would look like an alphabet stew of all the proper letters he's discarded over the years to make words like saaaaangwich funny, suspended in hair gel.

Honestly, who else could perform the actual Dementor's kiss on Kate Hudson's career, who has already done Fool's Gold? That's like beating the dead horse's young filly of a

Posted by: tommy at September 19, 2008 3:49 PM

daughter's rotting carcass. That's drinking the backwash out of a bottle of tobacco spit. It's sentencing a man to back-to-back life sentences, and the death penalty. Which, coincidentally, is how I feel whenever someone talks me into seeing one of these shitty movies.

Posted by: tommy at September 19, 2008 3:52 PM

What the fuck is it with straight girls and this guy? The other day a friend of mine and I were going through our decapitation list and came to Dane Cook (he's between Michael Bay and whoever came up with the "Q" in the whole GLBTQ thing). His date was just shocked that we'd revel in his public execution like a couple of French revolutionaries fighting the crowd to get close enough to his twitching stump to soak up a bit of his gushing blood on our handkerchiefs for souvenirs. When we explained all the ways that he's the Antichrist, she was all "but he's funny, and he's so cute". When we asked her what she thought about him is funny, she couldn't come up with fucking a thing, and fell back on "he's so cute" again. Listen, I may be as gay as Sarah Palin is retarded, but I'd let Christian Bale do unspeakable things to me, so it's not like I can't discern if a guy is hot, but it completely baffles me that this cockmonkey turns girls on. I get looking past someone's duchy/crazy/might leave you tied to a bed points because they're uber hot, but this guy? Seriously?

Posted by: Piato at September 19, 2008 10:29 PM

Fuck, I meant to post that on the movie review, guess it works here too though

Posted by: Piato at September 19, 2008 11:18 PM

Wow, you can still comment here. I wish I knew about this post earlier.

Dane Cook is the shit demon from Dogma. He's the cinematic equivelent of the least funny parts of Ben Stiller skits and the spirit form of the shittiness of Mind of Mencia getting together and having an ass baby, then that baby was molested by Andy Dick!

The only person less funny than Dane Cook is Carlos Mencia, and if I could, I'd send both of them to Honduras to be assassinated by drug dealers.

Oddly enough, I can't believe his last film wasn't that bad. He almost became a three time Golden Pajiba winner. At least he's proven that his douchiness can be put to proper use.

I also hate Jason Biggs, and how he got to fuck Allison Hannigan in 3 fucking American Pie movies. Him, I hate just as much as Cook, but he hasn't even shown that he can be useful.

Oh well, Dustin said it best, at least with the movie we can have our cake and make Dane Cook choke on it too.

Posted by: George at January 9, 2009 8:05 PM