March 2, 2009 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | March 2, 2009 |

Here’s a spectacularly awful idea! Hollywood is remaking Damn Yankees, the gayest sports movie of all time (and by “gay” I don’t mean retarded; I mean homosexual). Based on a long-running Broadway play — a retelling of a Faust legend — Damn Yankees was about a young stud baseball player who struck a deal with Satan, who was a traveling salesman (originally played by Ray Walston), to become a superstar. Satan used the devilish seductress, Lola, to help him do his bidding.

Have you ever heard the music to Damn Yankees? It’s the reason that people hate showtunes. God awful. Even Judy Garland fans are, like, “Tone that shit down.” Seriously, Damn Yankees is actually part of the gay recruiting videos that they used to slip into Boy Scout gift bags back in the 80s. They draw you in with the promise of Satan, baseball, and a hot redhead, and then they bleed all of your heterosexuality out of you with ghastly musical numbers. It’s what happened to my father. Damn Yankees turned him gay.

But this isn’t some independent remake put out by Lionsgate (actually, if Lionsgate did it, it’d probably contain a lot of nihilistic violence, which could only be an improvement). This is a big-time blockbuster remake. In fact, Jim Carrey will be filling Ray Walstone’s role, as Satan, while Jake Gyllenhaal will be playing the struggling baseball flibbertigibbet. Lola hasn’t been cast yet, but it’s pretty obvious. Amy Adams will be offered the part, and Isla Fisher will ultimately take it. I suppose there’s an outside shot that Christina Hendricks get the gig, but she’s not really movie material. Also, she’d completely defeat the purpose — she’d be more likely to turn gay men straight.

Here’s a classic scene from the movie.

Big Al's Big Gay Musical Motion Picture

It's a Picture in a Million! / Dustin Rowles

Industry | March 2, 2009 | Comments ()

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