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Big Al’s Big Gay Musical Motion Picture

It’s a Picture in a Million! / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | March 2, 2009 | Comments (22)

Here’s a spectacularly awful idea! Hollywood is remaking Damn Yankees, the gayest sports movie of all time (and by “gay” I don’t mean retarded; I mean homosexual). Based on a long-running Broadway play — a retelling of a Faust legend — Damn Yankees was about a young stud baseball player who struck a deal with Satan, who was a traveling salesman (originally played by Ray Walston), to become a superstar. Satan used the devilish seductress, Lola, to help him do his bidding.

Have you ever heard the music to Damn Yankees? It’s the reason that people hate showtunes. God awful. Even Judy Garland fans are, like, “Tone that shit down.” Seriously, Damn Yankees is actually part of the gay recruiting videos that they used to slip into Boy Scout gift bags back in the 80s. They draw you in with the promise of Satan, baseball, and a hot redhead, and then they bleed all of your heterosexuality out of you with ghastly musical numbers. It’s what happened to my father. Damn Yankees turned him gay.

But this isn’t some independent remake put out by Lionsgate (actually, if Lionsgate did it, it’d probably contain a lot of nihilistic violence, which could only be an improvement). This is a big-time blockbuster remake. In fact, Jim Carrey will be filling Ray Walstone’s role, as Satan, while Jake Gyllenhaal will be playing the struggling baseball flibbertigibbet. Lola hasn’t been cast yet, but it’s pretty obvious. Amy Adams will be offered the part, and Isla Fisher will ultimately take it. I suppose there’s an outside shot that Christina Hendricks get the gig, but she’s not really movie material. Also, she’d completely defeat the purpose — she’d be more likely to turn gay men straight.

Here’s a classic scene from the movie.









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Comments

Damn! That sound painful.

Posted by: Tra at March 2, 2009 11:26 AM

Is that really The Kidz Bop version? Look at her play that guitar. It's that little know barre chord where you grip the neck like a bat. And didn't Damn Yankees have The 'Nuge? How could you pass over The Motor City Madman?

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at March 2, 2009 11:27 AM

True story: I was watching Proof and towards the end of the film, when Jake Gyllenhaal is through the school and out on to the street to get to Gwyneth Paltrow's house, I literally thought to myself, "Wait! Jake! I'll get my car, we'll get there faster!"

I'm a little gay for the dude is what I'm saying. In a bro-mance way.

Posted by: JakesAlterEgo at March 2, 2009 11:28 AM

God DAMN IT, now I'll be singing "Whatever Lola Wants" all day.

Posted by: Julie at March 2, 2009 11:32 AM

Well, its nice to see the fuckery of the day out so early....

Can Gyllenhaal even sing? It would be better if Phoenix came back from from detour into doucheland with this. Another nail in his coffin so I don't have to hear his "tender" voice on screen anymore. That horrendous shit is enough to make me join the scissor grind gang.

Posted by: Heather B! at March 2, 2009 11:35 AM

I can't see it, but holy shit - is that where that "Whatever Lola Wants" song comes from?

By the way, it's in my head now, too.

Posted by: Kolby at March 2, 2009 11:37 AM

Sounds like Mr. Gyllenhaal is on the road to Typecast City...

Posted by: Rykker at March 2, 2009 11:37 AM

Also, as much as I love the guy, Jake Gyllenhaal seems like one of those actors that make it painful to watch them throw a ball.

Bit too theatre-y.

Posted by: JakesAlterEgo at March 2, 2009 11:40 AM

I'd take one from Jake to get closer to Maggie. But only if she's wearing those stockings with the seams and that crazy bar thing attached to her neck that keeps her hands above her head.

Too Much Information?

Posted by: Mr. Tusks at March 2, 2009 12:36 PM

Okay, I'm fine wit all of the jokes and whatnot about how homosexual Damn Yankees is. But please, don't ever say "'gay' as in retarded" ever again. That's just straight up bigotry. This isn't a site to promote hatred.

Posted by: AudioSuede at March 2, 2009 12:37 PM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

oh, wait....are you serious? Jake Gyllenhaal? JIM FRICKIN' CARREY???


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Posted by: dammitjanet at March 2, 2009 12:46 PM

This will be awful. I'm not doubting that. I'll even toss out that maybe they'll try to pull in Anne Hathaway after she proved she could sing at the Oscars. But yeah, I see Isla Fisher getting caught in it eventually.

That said, I like the music to Damn Yankees and I'm straight. I just think the show is a total disaster and does not work. It's not the right kind of score for a musical about deals with the devil and baseball. So, if by gayest, you meant grossly inappropriate for the material at hand, I think you're 100% correct.

For doesn't Zanna, Don't!, the fantasy musical about an alternate universe where everyone is gay and being straight makes you a social pariah, have the gayest musical ever title locked up? And one of the main characters is the new quarterback in town (the new nerd, obviously) and features dyke-y cheerleaders for the big Chess game, so it's also sort of sewn up gayest sports musical, yes?

Posted by: Robert at March 2, 2009 12:57 PM

But at least it gave us Whatever Lola Wants. I love that song. Especially as performed by Chiwetel Ejiofor in Kinky Boots. Mediocre movie, oddly sexy performance.

Posted by: Sharon at March 2, 2009 12:59 PM

*sigh*

Jake, why do you scorn my love? I had just about swallowed that you, as a half Swede half Jew, would be playing the lead in Prince of Persia and had set aside my ethnic objections in anticipation of shirtless eye candy. And now this, and darling... I will need some time. You'll just have to stay with Reese either until this project fails or until I watch Jarhead again, whichever comes first.

Keep me in your thoughts

Love, Rusty.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at March 2, 2009 1:02 PM

Sooooo, starring in something like this is as compelling, evidence wise, as going to the hospital with a triple headed dildo stuck up your ass, but hey, if Gyihilleevennhoe wants to keep denying it...

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 2, 2009 1:35 PM

"Triple-headed dildo," BSlim?

Is Cerberus modeling sex toys now?

As regards the remake, it'll suck, but the hotness of Lola might serve to cancel out the inversion-inducing show tunes.

Posted by: The Wanderer at March 2, 2009 1:51 PM

Mr. Tusks, I too would take one from Jake to get closer to Maggie Gyllenhaal as she was in Secretary.

As for Jake himself, he probably figured the role in Damn Yankees wouldn't hurt. He already was the submissive guy in Brokeback Mountain, so how much "gayer" could he portray himself? (Last comment was not meant as a slam, but I am surprised no one else had mentioned Brokeback yet.)

Posted by: ILLgirl at March 2, 2009 3:11 PM

That's what I was referring to when I mentioned typecasting, ILLgirl.

Posted by: Rykker at March 2, 2009 3:31 PM

You wanna know how I know your gay?

You like the music from Damn Yankees.

Posted by: David McTaintwaffle at March 2, 2009 7:20 PM

Ok, first of all, as a showtunes queen, I'm gonna point out that the movie is NOT the musical. The stage production (and a good one, at that) bears almost no resemblance to the shitty movie. Well, with the exception of Gwen Vernon, but she's one of those people who worked much better on stage.

Secondly . . . well, there really is no secondly. I think I've gayed out enough as it is, and with the landlord buzzing in my ear, I feel it's time for me to go to bed.

Posted by: Rowen at March 2, 2009 11:10 PM

Folks, we all know where this is going:

- They're going to want to cast Beyonce as Lola. They'll slap a wig on her faster than you can say, "has been". You'll see a music video for her new single, "Lola Wantz" from the "Damn Yankees" soundtrack two months before the movie, and you'll see it win an Oscar the following year for "Best Ear Rape".

- Jake MassengillGyllenhaal will finally stop making films after squandering the last inch of Donnie Darko cred he earned so many years ago. The spirit of Heath Ledger will appear to him as a Force ghost and yell to him, "Donnie, you're out of your element!". He will become a beet farmer in Arizona.

- Jim Carrey will once again knock it out of the park as the Devil, continue to bang Jenny McCarthy, and have lunch with Jeff Daniels on a regular basis.

- I...will sigh and think of better musicals that could be made into movies. "Urinetown" being one such example.

Posted by: Mike R. at March 4, 2009 2:56 PM

1) What's wrong with being gay!
2) It's not the gayest musical!
3) I love Damm Yankees!
4) I love Jake Gyllenhaal!
5) Your dad's gay because your mom a fat cow!
6) that = the revival of the movie musical!

Posted by: the gay guy u pissed off at March 15, 2009 12:21 AM