Commando Remake in the Works

I Eat Green Berets for Breakfast ... and Right Now I'm Very Hungry!

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (32)

I just can’t believe the Braves would release Tom Glavine. Let the man go out with some dignity. Jesus. First Maddux, then Glavine, then Smoltz, then Glavine again. Chipper Jones is all that’s left from the team I once followed religiously. It’s a painful day if you’re a Braves fan, though bringing up Tommy Hanson alleviates some of that pain, but who the hell is Nate McLouth?

Oh shit. This is Pajiba. Sorry, I thought I was still on the Atlanta Braves message boards. Pardon.

So yeah: I called it, goddamnit. Just yesterday, I said that a Commando remake was inevitable, and wouldn’t you know it: Today, JoBlo has dug up some news suggesting that a Commando remake is in the news, this according to an Australian magazine, though no details have been provided.

What sort of details would you even need? Commando was Schwarzenegger’s version of Rambo, and if you can believe it, it was even more asinine, although it did feature Rae Dawn Chong, who I had a terrible crush on when I was 10. She played the daughter of Schwarzenegger’s retired commando, who had only a few hours to save her from an exiled dictator. Basically, Arnie just blew up shit and shot people for 90 minutes and everyone went home happy and blood-soaked.

But the thing about Commando and Rambo was, they worked because they had these macho, muscle-bound grunts behind machine guns. Those guys don’t exist in Hollywood anymore. The Body by Jake mold has vanished and Sam Worthington or Chris Hemsworth are hardly appropriate successors to Arnie and Stallone. These movies won’t work anymore. This isn’t the Reagan era. We don’t like steroids anymore. We don’t like automatic weapons. We like gadgetry. And we like to see our heroes beat the shit out of bad guys with books. Sheer brute force just isn’t a quality suited to the times. And I’m actually OK with that.

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Totally unrelated to this article, but can you PLEASE take off that fucking "Drag Me to Hell" picture from the front page?

Thing creeps the hell out of me every time I come here to check for updates.

Posted by: WampaLord at June 4, 2009 11:24 AM

This makes me almost as sad as the news I read earlier this morning, saying that they found a writer for the Short Circuit remake.

Posted by: Snath at June 4, 2009 11:28 AM

Rowles, you've been spot on for the last few days. In light of this, before your streak ends, I would like you to give me the numbers for the winning lottery ticket. Please.

Posted by: Four Eyes at June 4, 2009 11:28 AM

Wouldn't it be funny if someone got wind of your various rantings and musings and mistook it for actual news and then that got picked up by someone else and so on and so forth until someone halfway reputable reported on that "news" at which point you re-reported it as real news, which is odd since you were just bitching about that very same thing just the other day? No? I guess it's just me then.

Posted by: Elsie at June 4, 2009 11:32 AM

I thought Rae Dawn Chong played an airline attendant he drug along and Alyssa Milano was the daughter he was trying to rescue. Coming up with people who looked like they would give Arnold a good fight kept the body building and wrestling community in side jobs for quiet awhile. Maybe they would reboot this as zombie commandos.

This news and David Carradine. Not a good Thursday so far.

Posted by: tzbt at June 4, 2009 11:36 AM

Rae Dawn Chong, who I had a terrible crush on when I was 10. She played the daughter of Schwarzenegger’s retired commando

Um, not to be that guy (and god, it's sad that I even know this), but Alyssa Milano played Arnie's daughter. Rae Dawn Chong played Arnie's love interest.

Posted by: Bistro at June 4, 2009 11:36 AM

Wait, wait, wait....

Arnie's daughter was Alyssa Milano. He carjacked Rae Dawn Chong's character to chase the bad guys.

Posted by: nerdcircus at June 4, 2009 11:36 AM

I guess the geeks all hit at the same time....

Posted by: nerdcircus at June 4, 2009 11:40 AM

Clearly, we nerds all got to this article at the same time...

Posted by: Bistro at June 4, 2009 11:41 AM

and now I've made it even worse...

Posted by: Bistro at June 4, 2009 11:41 AM

These movies won’t work anymore. This isn’t the Reagan era. We don’t like steroids anymore. We don’t like automatic weapons.

But what about our love for terrible yet hilarious action one-liners?

"Let off some steam, Bennett."

Posted by: branded at June 4, 2009 11:43 AM

You're a funny man, Sully, I like you. That's why I'm going to kill you last

Posted by: slower lower at June 4, 2009 11:52 AM

"...Rae Dawn Chong, who I had a terrible crush on when I was 10."

Yeah. And I thought I was the only one... (sob) I thought I was the only one...

Hold me...

Posted by: Skitz at June 4, 2009 11:59 AM

Posted by: Elsie at June 4, 2009 11:32 AM

It isn't just you. I was just wondering the same thing. I mean, this website has a fairly large following.

Posted by: alphawhiskey at June 4, 2009 12:02 PM

Dammit, slower lower beat me to it. I still use that line all the time.

"Please don't disturb my friend. He's dead tired."

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 4, 2009 12:10 PM

"Remember, Sully, when I promised I'd kill you last? I lied."

branded's right. They just don't make them like that anymore.

Posted by: admin at June 4, 2009 12:13 PM

"What happened to Sully?"

"I let him go."

And now he's governor. There is a god.

Posted by: Neodiogenes at June 4, 2009 12:35 PM

"Those guys don’t exist in Hollywood anymore."

So true, take Watchmen for example, the character Ozymandias: in the comic, he was broad-shouldered, muscly, tall and square-jawed; in the movie he was some short, anorexic, gender-neutral fucktard.

As an aside, was it just me or did anyone else get the creepiest vibe from the opening scenes of the original, with Arnold and his 'daughter'?

Posted by: Darcy at June 4, 2009 12:43 PM

/EPIC

/STUPIDITY

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at June 4, 2009 12:47 PM

...although it did feature Rae Dawn Chong, who I had a terrible crush on when I was 10. She played the daughter...

As stated above, this is wrong. So my question is was Dustin's crush on Rae Dawn (understandable) or Alyssa (hell yeah I had a crush on her then; and now!)?

Posted by: unlessthemoonfalls at June 4, 2009 12:55 PM

This movie is so quotable.

One of the things I really like about that last battle that I didn't notice when I first saw it as a kid is that Matrix really does take Bennett down using only one arm after Bennett shoots him in the shoulder. It's referenced in dialogue, but I guess I just assumed a bullet wouldn't automatically render the arm useless. I believe he even throws the pipe that impales Bennett using one arm. I remember reading that the filmmakers were worried that Bennett wasn't enough of a physical match for Matrix, and I guess that was their way of compensating. (And of course in the next movie they'd throw the Predator at him as the ultimate physical match.)

Posted by: DarthCorleone at June 4, 2009 1:04 PM

People. Really. We need to stop saying "I hope they don't remake Soandso". BECAUSE IT WILL HAPPEN. I knew the instant that Bedhead said "I hope they don't remake Commando" yesterday that it was going to happen. Argh.

But the same thing as yesterday: these movies will NEVER work without Arnold. He was the life force of these movies. And seriously, can you imagine ANYONE else saying "Get to da choppah!" and making you love it? NO! so fucking wrong. Arnold needs to use his political powers to make the pain stop.

Posted by: figgy at June 4, 2009 1:08 PM

Elsie: I was thinking the same thing, except worse.

What if the Hollywood Weasels are actually trolling this site for IDEAS?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Posted by: BWeaves at June 4, 2009 1:23 PM

Oh, and it appears that Total Recall is also being re-made.

Enjoy.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at June 4, 2009 1:31 PM

There's no way this remake works. Zero chance. They'll never be able to recapture the things that make this film great: the awful dialog, the wonderful violence, the chick with the huge boobs in the motel fight scene. Just make your lame generic action flick and stay away from the Commando name.

Posted by: David at June 4, 2009 1:32 PM

who the hell is Nate McLouth?
---
Fuck you. Fuck you and Sid Bream. Fuck you every day since Oct. 14, 1992.

Nate is a VERY good ballplayer, certainly better than that collection of shit your team has been running into the outfield all season. He hits, he hits with power, he hustles, he's a good baserunner, he was above average last year in EVERY FUCKING CATEGORY (see here)

http://www.hardballtimes.com/main/article/the-george-grantham-all-stars/

The worst thing I can say about him is he probably didn't deserve that Gold Glove last year.

Who the hell is Nate McLouth? Give it a month, then write me and tell me how much you love him. And I'll tell you to go fuck yourself.

Thanks for the three future all-stars, tho.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 4, 2009 2:01 PM

FUCK THAT SHIT.

Commando is Schwarzenegger's Crank. His The Last Boy Scout, Big Trouble in Little China, and his Rambo. It's the Schwarzeneggeriest Schwarzenegger movie there is. It has the highest one-liner to running time ration I can think of; there isn't a single minute that isn't glorious. Arnie picks up a phone booth with a man inside it and throws it like Donkey Kong, for shit's sake!

Posted by: James at June 4, 2009 2:55 PM

I think the problem with remaking something like this isn't that a person is irreplacable. Everybody is replacable up to a certain point but Arnold Schwarzenegger is sucha public figure, EVERYBODY knows who he is, how he looks like and what he stands for. Therefore his shadow will not only loom large over the film for the old fans who loved the original but even for any new fans who had never heard of Commando before. If they hear this used to be an Arnie flick they go, wait, how the hell are they replace Arnie with HIM (whoever the person is). The actor just doesn't fit in.

Dustin, I think you were also spot on about Arnold and Stallone being two men of a bygone era. It's a pity it's over. Sometimes you don't want a smart arse who knows how to use technology or beat someone up witha book. Sometimes you just want someone with huge steroid fuelled muscles who you only see in wrestling championships and cartoons throwing shit around, beating people up and fire guns too heavy for an average person to carry. Brawn over brain is sometimes a load of fun.

Posted by: barf at June 4, 2009 6:06 PM

We don’t like steroids anymore. We don’t like automatic weapons.

Who says?
Somtimes I just like to watch a film with no point and all it entails is violence, crap one liners, and massive amounts of blood. For example, I hated the last Rambo movie until the end when he started killing everyone, that made me happy.
Not to mention I may be one of the few but I like the Riddick movies.
The movie going audience still likes these types of flicks, thus why Transformers and DieHards still do so well, we've just changed in what "actors" we want.
Personally I would like to go back to my fanboy fantasies and see actors on screen who are nothing like me and can kick the shit out of anyone who gets in their face...

Posted by: DeistBrawler at June 4, 2009 6:10 PM

Dwayne Johnson can totally fill that role! Just give him a chance! Also Vin Diesel could just about do it too, if he didn't have such horrible taste in scripts.

Posted by: Chugga at June 4, 2009 7:05 PM

Remember when I promised to kill you last?

I lied.

Posted by: Dristan at June 4, 2009 8:20 PM

Guess you'll have to wait another day to commence with the NateLove.

Meanwhile, Nateless, we swept the Fuckin' Mets for you. I expect at least a blowjob of thanks.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 5, 2009 12:52 AM

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