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My Apathy, In the Study, With the Wrench

Sorry, I Meant No As In Yes / TK

Trade News | February 26, 2009 | Comments (41)

You may have thought it already happened, but I think we may have just reached the pinnacle of stupid movie ideas. Many of you have likely seen the relatively clever 1985 film, Clue (cram it, Sarina), based on the board game of the same name. It was a solid effort, though I maintain that it borrowed heavily from the far superior Neil Simon classic Murder By Death. Regardless, Clue isn’t the greatest movie (I said CRAM IT, Sarina), but it’s a painlessly amusing way to spend 90 minutes.

So WHO’S READY FOR A REMAKE!!! YEAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

That’s right kiddies. What’s dumber than making a movie out of a board game? Remaking a movie based on a board game. Hollywood seems determined to come up with concepts so staggeringly asinine that one can’t help but wonder if it’s not some sort of plot. There’s a small part of me that thinks that they do this on purpose, churn out the goofiest, half-assiest ideas possible in an effort to actually make us stupider. Then, they shall force their way into our homes and their reign of terror will begin, and it’ll be death from above and human sacrifice and cannibalism and poison monkeys and vampire chicken wings.

Wait… what? I feel weird.

Anyway, Gore Verbinski is set to direct. Good news: He directed the first Pirates of the Caribbean. Bad news: He also directed the sequels.









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Comments

Eh. Clue had Tim Curry, and Tim Curry is the human embodiment of win.

Posted by: Lucas at February 26, 2009 10:20 AM

Yes, it's true...we are truly entering the world of "Idiotcracy."

Still waiting on the Uno Attack game movie news....

Really, just please kill me NOW.

Posted by: dammitjanet at February 26, 2009 10:21 AM

Ooooh boy. A TK v. Sarina fight? PLACE YOUR BETS! PLACE YOUR BETS!

No offense TK, but I'm putting my money down on My Dark Emperess. Sorry!

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at February 26, 2009 10:22 AM

Ooooh! Maybe they'll update the boardgame too.

"Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac with your mortgage in the carboard box beside your foreclosed house."

Posted by: admin at February 26, 2009 10:28 AM

You can tell her to "cram it" all you want, but you know that ain't gonna' stop her, right?

Listen, and understand. Sarina is out there. She can't be bargained with. She can't be reasoned with. She doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And she absolutely will not stop, ever...

Posted by: Lainey at February 26, 2009 10:29 AM

Tim Curry is the human embodiment of win

Exactly.

Now, pray tell, what exactly are "vampire chicken wings"? Are the the wings of vampire chickens, or are the wings themselves vampiric? In which case, wouldn't they need to have mouths? The mind, it boggles. And not just because I'm opertating on sleep deprivation.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at February 26, 2009 10:30 AM

I read this news last night and, as an unabashed fan of the original, it infuriated me more than it had any right to. This was mostly because the Variety article made the movie out to be another in a trend of board games being turned into movies, like: "First Monopoly, now Clue? They'll make a movie out of anything to make a quick buck these days." The article briefly mentioned that there had been some kind of movie based on the game in 1985.

Dammit, Variety, Curry is your god!

Now I'm going to go home and sleep with my wife.

Posted by: Macafee at February 26, 2009 10:30 AM

This is a crime. I loved the old one.

Posted by: Bucko at February 26, 2009 10:33 AM

Good luck getting Sarina to respond to your bating. She hasn't responded to the bating on her own blog this year. Rest assured I can truly say she isn't dead. That is to say, I didn't kill her, in the library, with the lead pipe.

Yet.

Posted by: Morgagod at February 26, 2009 10:44 AM

I'd say only with RDJ in the Tim Curry role, but even then... why?

Why? The first one is still perfectly fine. Why?

Does anyone even play board games anymore?

Posted by: twig at February 26, 2009 10:46 AM

Baiting, damnit.


(Janet!)

Posted by: Morgagod at February 26, 2009 10:46 AM

Baiting, damnit.


(Janet!)

Posted by: Morgagod at February 26, 2009 10:46 AM

Baiting, damnit.


(Janet!)

Posted by: Morgagod at February 26, 2009 10:47 AM

I thought Clue was great, and one of the more sadistic/clever marketing concepts ever (the multiple endings), so maybe I'll have to see Murder by Death.

Posted by: Eep at February 26, 2009 10:49 AM

What? Three? I give up.

Posted by: Morgagod at February 26, 2009 10:49 AM

Who do you cheer for when it's evil versus evil? I'm defaulting to hometown loyalty and siding with Sarina.

And Tim Curry? Did everyone forget that Madeline Kahn is infinitely better than Curry?

"Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable."

Posted by: branded at February 26, 2009 10:55 AM

branded, I'm going to have to respectfully disagree, with Exhibit A Curry's one-man step-by-step walk-through of the murders. Three times!

And we all know Communism was just a red herring.

Posted by: Macafee at February 26, 2009 11:02 AM

I'm psyched for Michael Bay's OUIJI BOARD!

I didn't know OUIJI BOARDS could cause 6-8 giant explosions per hour! Clearly, I was doing it wrong.

Posted by: Bucko at February 26, 2009 11:05 AM

"Flames, on the side of my face.."

That Kahn line still cracks me up to this day. There were a lot of comic geniuses in that movie, Eileen Brennen, Michael McKean. I swear to you on everything that is holy I'll be right behind Sabrina on the Murdertank.

Posted by: Smokin at February 26, 2009 11:06 AM

Darn you Smokin, you beat me to that line.

Posted by: giovanni at February 26, 2009 11:13 AM

I will give them the fact that they could probably still get Martin Mull and Michael McKean. I like to imagine that Tim Curry and Christopher Lloyd have better things to do. BUT THEY CAN NEVER REPLACE MADELINE KAHN. That woman is an icon of funny and to try and recast Mrs. White is just insulting to my intelligence. Grr.

Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at February 26, 2009 11:22 AM

Smokin, my sisters and I still use that to describe people we dislike -- "I hated her SO much . . . It was like flames . . . on the side of my face."

Heehee! This movie was one of my sick-day favorites growing up.

"What's this? Another door?"

"Here! Faint into my arms!"

"Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?"
"You don't need any help from me, sir."
"That's right!"

"What are you afraid of, a fate worse than death?"
"No, just death, isn't that enough?"

Posted by: Lizzie (greeneyed fem) at February 26, 2009 11:24 AM

Baiting, damnit.


(Janet!)


Posted by: Morgagod at February 26, 2009 10:47 AM

You called?

Posted by: dammitjanet at February 26, 2009 11:36 AM

Hey, perhaps we should give this remake a chance. After all, you can't make an omlette without breaking a few eggs, any cook will tell you that.

BUT LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO THE COOK! Agh!

No. This is most certainly a harbinger of the death of creativity, clad in a red herald's uniform with gold braiding.

"Dadadadadada... I! Am! Your singing telegram!"

Posted by: Ling at February 26, 2009 11:40 AM

Nightmare cast:

Jimmy Fallon as Wadsworth
Molly Shannon as Mrs. White
Will Ferrell as Professor Plum
Sean Hayes as Mr. Green
Larry the Cable Guy as Colonel Mustard
Roseann Barr as Mrs. Peacock
Scarlett Johansson as Miss Scarlet
Jessica Simpson as Yvette
Kevin James as The Chief

Posted by: Eep at February 26, 2009 11:47 AM

What the fuck is going on today!? Neverending Story? Total Recall? Clue? I've lost what little ability I have to be biting and snarky. I quit. I know we're in a recession and everyone is a-scared but holy fucking handgrenades mid-level studio execs, earn your god damned pay checks and walk one or two original pitches into the bossman. I promise there are a thousand and five ideas out there we haven't seen before that don't necessitate hollywood jizzing all over my childhood.

Clue is actually one of the reasons I wanted to come out here to tell tales. I transcribed the whole thing and re worked it into a play in 8th grade. It's perfect just the way it is. Madeline Kahn? Tim Curry? Why do you want to fuck with those performances? I'm tired. This is just tiring. Fuck. I'm late for work. I have to go write shitty television now. Kill me please. Just fucking kill me.

Posted by: Beckylooo at February 26, 2009 12:03 PM

Eep:
For a true nightmare cast, you would have given at least three of those roles to John Malkovich.

It's a recession, folks. Look forward to seeing a lot of board-game-culture reviving itself.

Posted by: Sweetie Dahling at February 26, 2009 12:09 PM

"Dadadadadada... I! Am! Your singing telegram!"

BLAM!

Posted by: Lizzie (greeneyed fem) at February 26, 2009 12:21 PM

I am a long time reader of Pajiba and a first time commenter. This article has moved me, similar to that of a bowel movement.

I think I speak for ALL who have seen this movie and have taste when I say, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."

Posted by: Ashlie at February 26, 2009 12:27 PM

I give up.

Posted by: Jeni at February 26, 2009 12:39 PM

NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!.

Ahem.

No.

Posted by: MG at February 26, 2009 12:59 PM

I've been sick for almost a week. Today I decide to get on the computer despite the constant dizziness that's been keeping me in bed, to see what I've been missing, and this is what I find? Fuck this. I'm going back to bed.

Posted by: Melissa at February 26, 2009 1:19 PM

Do people still play board games?

Will the general mouth-breathing public even know what this is about?

Posted by: dave at February 26, 2009 2:06 PM

I think I'll just wait for the video game of the remake of the movie that was based on the board game.

*left eye explodes..*

-Godtopus. In the Boardroom. With a Murder Tank.

Posted by: Odnon at February 26, 2009 3:22 PM

Well, look what I missed. I don't have a whole lot to say about this. I feel the same now as I did when the rumours of this remake first started. It's a stupid fucking idea that hasn't got a prayer of equaling the awesome of the original cast. That said, I don't see why everyone's so het up. It'll probably suck in myriad ways beyond my powers of description; just ignore it and watch the original. Again. For the 7,486,321,895th time.

Posted by: Sarina at February 26, 2009 3:36 PM

But what if it turns out to be good? Ha! Just kidding!

Posted by: MissNev at February 26, 2009 6:49 PM

I am Sylia a single black girl from the US. I just want to find a man who is out of my race for a servious interracial relationship. so i uploaded my recent photos on the famous site mixedmate.c0m under the name Sxynetlia, maybe you want to check out my photos firstly!

Posted by: evan at February 26, 2009 10:39 PM

Gore Verbinski, you'd best sleep with one eye open.

I was never here.

Posted by: Elfrieda at February 27, 2009 1:30 AM

"Coming to theaters...this summer...THE ultimate in horror....it's...It's...Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggghhh!!!...*CHOMP
Hungry, HUNGRY Hippos.....Starring Keanu Reeves, Sandra Bullock and Chris Tucker as the nervous zookeeper, I said Gahdaaaaayam!!!...*CHOMP
Hungry, HUNGRY Hippos. This summer the feeding frenzy is for the whole bag of marbles." Rated PG-13

Posted by: bleujayone at February 27, 2009 8:45 AM

I love Clue. I still have my VHS tape for nostalgia purposes, and recently upgraded to a DVD version. And I agree with everyone here....

MAJOR. SUCKAGE.

Madeline Kahn was an comedic genius. But the entire cast as a whole made Clue the fun romp through murder and political back-stabbing. Plus, this movie taught me what socialism was. HOORAY!

Posted by: swanny119 at March 2, 2009 6:47 AM

haha hungry hungry hippo's? and what's with Keanu Reeves and Sandra bullock in another movie together, again......

Quote by: Ling
"Nightmare cast:

Jimmy Fallon as Wadsworth
Molly Shannon as Mrs. White
Will Ferrell as Professor Plum
Sean Hayes as Mr. Green
Larry the Cable Guy as Colonel Mustard
Roseann Barr as Mrs. Peacock
Scarlett Johansson as Miss Scarlet
Jessica Simpson as Yvette
Kevin James as The Chief"

I'm sure hollywood would do something like that, cast the most akward actors for the wrong rolls, again........ I think they should ask the public who would be the best actor/actress for the job; just my personal opinion.......

Posted by: Roobers at March 3, 2009 7:23 PM