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Today in Reboot Hell

The Ressurection of Cliffhanger / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | May 14, 2009 | Comments (34)

I don’t even know what to say about this. They’re rebooting Cliffhanger, for God’s sake. Why? It wasn’t even that big of a hit. It only made $93 million at the box office, and it’s not like the title carries a lot of clout. Cliffhanger? According to Variety:

A big-budget international action-adventure thriller set in a big mountain milieu, the makeover of Renny Harlin’s 1993 pic will center on a group of young climbers … Unlike the original, where Italy stood in for the Colorado Rockies, the new redo looks set to feature multiple cliff-face locations.

Younger climbers, different locations? Why don’t you just fucking make a mountain-climbing action adventure and give it a different name. Does anyone actually think that audiences are clamoring for a Cliffhanger reboot? Are they, like, “Man, Cliffhanger was the bomb, yo. But you know what would made it better? Less Stallone, more Paul Walker. Rahr! Let’s get Mt. Dew to sponsor it. It’ll be EXTREME.”

Give me a break. The movie is being produced by Neil Moritz, who brought us the Fast & Furious reboot/sequel hybrid. And here’s my favorite part:

“Just as they rebooted ‘Star Trek,’ we’re going to do the same with ‘Cliffhanger,’ ” said Moritz.

Wow. I mean WOW. Comparing Star Trek to Cliffhanger? Really? You’re going to compare a franchise that had 11 movies and, like, 47 different television shows, and more than 30 years of history to a bad mountain climbing movie starring Sylvester Stallone that barely left an impression in 1993? What the fuck kind of delusional medication is coursing through the water out in L.A.? And dollars to donuts, Moritz was sitting in Star Trek over the weekend, saw that sports car fly over a cliff, and thought: Cliffhanger reboot.

Get a goddamn brain you cocksucking morons.


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Comments

they should remake "over the top", keeping up to date with advances in arm wrestling, single fathers and long-haul truck driving.

Posted by: celery at May 14, 2009 10:17 AM

See, now, don't be coming up in here and start complaining bitches.

It will be FUN!!!!!.

Are they supposed to drag old man Stallone from Steroid Retirement Plains to do this? It's a REBOOT, in an alternate universe, the original will still be there.
This is what you bitches want.

DEAL!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 14, 2009 10:22 AM

I enjoy Cliffhanger. It's a shitty movie, but incredibly fun to watch.

Posted by: ForbiddenDonut at May 14, 2009 10:28 AM

SEASON'S OVER, ASSHOLE!

I'm ashamed to admit how many times I've seen the original.

Posted by: TK at May 14, 2009 10:30 AM

Such a ugly woman.
I know a place you can see beauties.
--===seekingtall. Co m==--

Posted by: gate green at May 14, 2009 10:31 AM

My bitterness over that star trek abomination will be nicely tempered by the avalanche of remakes/reboots and re-imaginings that will come pouring out of Hollywood for the next two years.

Enjoy

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 14, 2009 10:33 AM

All I remember about Cliffhanger is that woman falling off that rope in the mountains. Just the idea of that situation is enough to give me a panic attack.

Posted by: Carrie (aka Teabelly) at May 14, 2009 10:34 AM

How are they going to find a better villain than John Lithgow?

Lithgow: I must say, you're a real piece of work.
Stallone: I must say, you're a real piece of shit.

Posted by: branded at May 14, 2009 10:38 AM

I just saw STAR TREK last night. Needs more Scotty and less Ewok.

Posted by: BWeaves at May 14, 2009 10:39 AM

Didn't John Lithgow play a transsexual transvestite in this? A man changed into a woman, dressing up as man?

Posted by: BWeaves at May 14, 2009 10:41 AM

Yes! Literally dozens of people have been waiting for this day.

Posted by: twig at May 14, 2009 10:46 AM

Casting for this:

Zac Efron, as an Xtreme!! mountain climber/rescue dude, the bimbo from Transfomers can be the ah ...bimbo that used to be his girlfriend. Of course the bad guy HAS to be Sean Bean. Lots of quick cuts/shaky cam and explosions. CGI mountains 3 times the size of Everest (cause Everest is GAY and not Xtreme enuff). Cameo by Samuel L. 'natch.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 14, 2009 10:47 AM

Okay, for real this time.

This is fake. I don't buy this for a second. C'mon.

Posted by: annoyingmouse at May 14, 2009 10:55 AM

Celery,
Here's your reboot:
"Way Over the Top"
A mixed martial arts road trip movie starring Vin Diesel as the main character ("Cadillac Stevens"), John Cena as the big bastard ("Brood Mandon"), and Jaden Smith ("Short Deck") as a smartmouthed streetwise kid. After being beaten and having his family kidnapped by Cena as revenge for winning what should have been a fixed tournament, Vin finds himself in a five year coma. He wakes up, groans, tests his muscles, jumps out of bed, finds his old 18 wheeler, and proceeds to track down Cena. He is forced to fight in underground mixed martial arts clubs to fund his fury, thus honing his skills for the final showdown. During his travels, he stumbles upon Short Deck who reminds him about his humanity. He finds Cena, who tells him his family is dead, and proceeds to battle him in a Kumite fight to the death. He wins via Barehanded Decapitation after remembering Short Deck's life advice of "Sometimes all their's left to do is reach Over the Top of your pain and dish out some of your own." During the celebration, he finds out that his family is actually alive but being held hostage by the Man In Charge (Eric Roberts, of course). They explore that story in the sequel:
"Completely Over the Top"

Posted by: Kballs at May 14, 2009 10:56 AM

You want a reboot? I'll give you a reboot.

Take the exact same script, and update the technology. Satelite phones, laser harnesses, jet ski helicopters...all added in.

Replace Stallone with Statham, replace Janine Turner with Kristen Bell, and replace John Lithgow with Morgan Freeman.

Budget at $25 million, release in April '13, serve lukewarm with a side of romantic comedy starring Rainbow Killer and Simon Baker to offset any lost production costs.

Posted by: Doctor Controversy at May 14, 2009 11:07 AM

It doesn't need a reboot, it needs a roman numeral! Cliffhanger II: In My Pants. Someone had to, you know?

Posted by: slower lower at May 14, 2009 11:17 AM

Well, I for one am excited for the rebooting (sounds like what I do after a particularly long Saturday night) of the entire Renny Harlin catalog. I need Deep Blue Sea, The Long Kiss Goodnight, and Cutthroat Island to get reboots.

Posted by: ed newman at May 14, 2009 11:31 AM

Wait a sec....wasn't there a point where people were screaming about how they wished Hollywood would remake the crappy movies, instead of the good ones? So what is the problem again? You are getting exactly what you all asked for.

And really, it is fucking Cliffhanger. There is nothing to ruin. Nobody's childhood is getting defiled. Jeez, it is like you people WANT to give yourselves hernias or something.

Posted by: Vermillion at May 14, 2009 12:55 PM

You are getting exactly what you all asked for.

And really, it is fucking Cliffhanger. There is nothing to ruin.
Posted by: Vermillion at May 14, 2009 12:55 PM
------------------------------------------------

This is EXACTLY what you were advocating for in the "star trek" thread, sweetheart. This is what YOU wanted.

Now suck on it.

Suck it, HARD.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 14, 2009 12:59 PM

Did the spambot insult Sylvester Stallone's pic up there?

Posted by: Melissa at May 14, 2009 1:06 PM

I bet they make it "grittier"

Posted by: Odnon at May 14, 2009 1:40 PM

Wait, wasn't 'Vertical Limit' with Chris "PuppyDog" O'Donnell just a remake of Cliffhanger? wasn't it the same fucking movie?

God, now that I think about it I think I saw Cliffhanger in the theater when I was like 12. Ew.

Melissa: hee...I think so. Stallone IS a very ugly woman.

Posted by: figgy at May 14, 2009 1:46 PM

These are the same folks who looking for ways to spinoff American Dumbshits...er..Idol and Gossip Girl.

Posted by: John W at May 14, 2009 1:47 PM

This is EXACTLY what you were advocating for in the "star trek" thread, sweetheart. This is what YOU wanted.

Okay, and? I don't get the anger from them or you. So....what exactly am I supposed to be upset about?

Posted by: Vermillion at May 14, 2009 1:56 PM

Aw, c'mon, guys. Cliffhanger was a pretty goddamn good little action movie. Good villains, good work from Stallone (pretty much the last good action movie he ever made), good supporting cast, spectacular scenery, clever set pieces.

I don't see there being a point to remaking it, sure, but why be a hater on the original?

(also: Statham in the Stallone role and I am there.)

Posted by: mightygodking at May 14, 2009 2:15 PM

What the hell kind of accent was Lithgow supposed to have in this flick? Was he French? Swiss? Eastern European? If Hollywood remakes Cliffhanger, why not just go balls out and remake every shitty action movie from '84 on? Reboot of Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, and watch the world die!

Posted by: stryker1121 at May 14, 2009 4:18 PM

So what is the problem again? You are getting exactly what you all asked for.

I don't have a problem, but it's ridiculous to invoke Star Trek as if some barely memorable Stallone movie has had people banging at the doors for years, desperately hoping for the magic to happen.

I'm a pretty big goddamn geek but I must have missed the ads for Cliffhangercon.

Posted by: twig at May 14, 2009 4:19 PM

"What the hell kind of accent was Lithgow supposed to have in this flick? "

Lithgowian.

What? You've never heard of it? Look at a map sometime, you ignorant bastard.

Posted by: TK at May 14, 2009 4:22 PM

What? You've never heard of it? Look at a map sometime, you ignorant bastard.

It's just hard for some people to distinguish a Lithgowian accent from a Tamborian.

Posted by: branded at May 14, 2009 6:30 PM

The hell with Cliffhanger, I want them to reboot Cannonball Run. Now THAT would be crazy.

Posted by: Cori at May 14, 2009 6:57 PM

I think this is one of those movies driven by the numbers it gets in reruns on TV. It shows up on cable all the time.

And really, it's one of the Great Bad movies -- so bad it's fun ("Damn you Walker!!!!!"). Plus, Stallone does some pretty impressive tricks, so you can admire that here and there.

On the other hand, Janine Turner. Blech.

Posted by: Louise at May 14, 2009 7:02 PM

Here's an idea for the next Hollywood project. Let's reboot Black Dog, that trucker movie with Patrick Swayze. They can cast The Rock as the lead, make it appeal to the younger gen and all that jazz. And after that, they can go punch a kitten in the face! Ohh, it'll be the best weekend EVER.

Posted by: Gwenn at May 14, 2009 8:35 PM

Ahem... 40 years of history (1966)... wanker.

Posted by: Jere at May 14, 2009 9:05 PM

Didn't they make this reboot this movie already....Chris O'Donnell, Bill Paxton.
Give it up for Vertical Limit!

Posted by: Todd at May 15, 2009 1:28 PM