Charlotte Ross Joins Drive Angry

This Pic Is the Least I Could Do for You

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (11)

Last fall, we reported that Nic Cage had signed on for the revenge flick, Drive Angry, about a man who goes on an interstate vehicular rampage after his daughter is killed and his grandchild is kidnapped. The film will be directed by Patrick Lussier (My Bloody Valentine 3-D), and since then has picked up Amber Heard and William Fichtner. The newest addition is Charlotte Ross, who is probably most famous for showing her ass to a little kid in “NYPD Blue” and being another of those brainwashed PETA knuckleheads. In Drive Angry she’ll play a the waitress love interest.

While I love me some William Fichtner — the guy is awesome, even when it’s bit parts like his two minutes in The Dark Knight — and Heard was great in her small roles in Zombieland and Pineapple Express (I haven’t seen any of her starring roles), this movie seems like it’ll be, at best, a throwaway B-movie. I’ve concluded that, at this point in time, Nicolas Cage just doesn’t give a fuck anymore. How could he? I mean, with the exception of The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans which was admirable only for his brainfuckingly insane performance, he’s been in a steady stream of shit for years now.

I feel like Cage is like a deranged drunken monkey in a room full of toxic bananas. He’ll grab anything you put in front of him. He’s got about eleventy billion projects lined up, and none of them sound remotely good. He’s reached that point in a career where I’ll believe anything you tell me about him. He’s starring as a medieval brain surgeon who eats martian babies? Of course he is! He’s directing a live-action Andy Capp movie starring Michael Clarke Duncan that takes place under the sea? Fuck and yes I believe you! He’s going to play a urine-fetishist Mother Theresa in a time-traveling mountain climbing movie? HELL YES HE IS! He’s going to star in a biography of Horatio Alger that’ll be set in Compton and he’ll do the entire thing in blackface pantomime? Why the fuck not?

Why. The. Fuck. Not.

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Comments

You weren't kidding about that picture being the least you could do. I've seen more titillating shots in the Sears catalog.

Posted by: JH at February 23, 2010 11:04 AM

TK you are on fire today, my friend. Rage on.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at February 23, 2010 11:05 AM

The next project will be Nic Cage starring in Nic Cage where he'll play Nic Cage meeting Nic Cage and thusly throwing the world into a paradox of suck.

Posted by: admin at February 23, 2010 11:17 AM

Isn't he broke after blowing all his money on castles, islands, dinosaur skulls, and Elvis memorabilia? Of course he'll attach his name to anything that can make his quote.

Posted by: Yossarian at February 23, 2010 11:31 AM

Coming in 2013!

I've warned you, TK. They have eyes everywhere.

Posted by: figgy at February 23, 2010 12:02 PM

Nicolas Cage burned up any good will I might have felt for him years ago.

However, it's common knowledge that he's in major hock to the IRS--like, tens of millions of dollars--so it's no surprise that he's taking any job he's offered--as odd as it may seem, he needs the money.

'Course, he got into financial trouble in the first place by buying stupid expensive shit like dinosaur bones, so don't think I'm defending him or anything...

You know, it's frustrating. This weekend I finally saw Adaptation and he was so good in that, really good...He can be good when he bothers, and I can't understand why he doesn't bother more often.

Bottom line: on the basis of Ghost Rider alone (leaving out the towering mountain of other utter shit he's done), I cannot ever forgive Nic Cage.

Posted by: Jerce at February 23, 2010 12:14 PM

I mourn for the days of Raising Arizona and Moonstruck. Maybe Cage was trying to go full retard for a role and it stuck?

*Note to Sarah Palin: that was 'satire' a la Limbaugh, so you can't be mad at me.

Posted by: Katers at February 23, 2010 12:22 PM

TK, you just made me lol in a crowded computer lab. I can't decide whether I love you or hate you.

Posted by: MikeG at February 23, 2010 12:28 PM

Yes, that's a gentelmenly patter of praise you're hearing.

Posted by: Jackseppelin at February 23, 2010 3:24 PM

Nicolas Cage is everybody's bitch right now. He will be signing on to do everything. The only thing that could improve this situation is if he did a flick with Wesley Snipes. The IRS does not give a shit about your credibility or who you have to blow - as long as they get their cash.

Posted by: greer at February 23, 2010 6:08 PM

He's also going to star in a romcom where he's a dentist who's secretly blind and falls in love with his heroin addicted receptionist, who happens to be deaf.

I heard he had an action movie coming out where he's a soldier who had his arms chopped off by the Taliban while fighting in Afghanistan. He goes rogue, has his stumps fitted for chainsaws and goes all Evil Dead on their terrorist asses.

There's a new thriller coming out where he's been stranded on an island with the entire crew of a 17th century pirate ghost ship. They have his girlfriend and he has to exorcise the entire crew before they put their cold, clammy, undead boners in her.

Seriously... we should make this a sport!

Posted by: Roaddog at February 23, 2010 6:56 PM

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This Pic Is the Least I Could Do for You

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