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Wolves Are Speedier Than Little Girls, Barely Pausing to Devour Jackrabbits and Squirrels

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (23)



amanda-seyfried-55.jpg

Fairy tales seem like they should be obvious choices for cinematic adaptation. You’ve got an interesting fable, frequently a dark and twisted one if you’re going to go with most fairy tales’ real stories, and you’ve got the characters. Just give it a little creative spin and viola! Well, Warner Brothers and Appian Way are apparently heading down that road on the way to Grandma’s house — they’ve picked up The Girl With the Red Riding Hood. It’s being called “a Gothic retelling,” according to the LA Times (via Slashfilm).

It’s a fairly interesting idea, I suppose. There’s already another modernized fairy tale in the works, the hilariously titled Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, as well as the upcoming Humpty Dumpty horror movie (oh, how I wish I was making that last one up). And the studio already has their sights set on a potential Little Red — the doe eyed, quivery-lipped Amanda Seyfried. She’s certainly got the look down, especially if they’re looking for a Red Riding Hood who’s a little more… ah… erm… developed. By which I mean busty.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. Well, here’s the rub — the story is apparently pretty sharp, and has been worked over by David Johnson, the writer of the intensely creepy Orphan — people are apparently raving about the script, and it’s somehow drawing thematic and atmospheric comparisons to Shutter Island, which completely baffles me, but whatever. It’s a modern werewolf story that incorporates the Little Red Riding Hood idea, and it sounds like a pretty decent idea. They’ve even got a director attached. Catherine Hardwicke. You might remember her last film, Twilight.

Oh, shit. Yeah, they’re looking to dumb it down for the teen set, which makes my eyes vibrate in the sockets in sheer fury. It’s another one of those brilliantly demented studio moves — by teen-izing it, they’ll make a billion dollars. It’ll also be more likely to end being a pile of shit. But what do they care? Hopefully this will be a better vehicle for Seyfried than Jennifer’s Body, which was a great idea that was executed with mind-blowing incompetence.









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Comments

I think I'll prefer Chloe.

Posted by: Cindy at February 19, 2010 9:24 AM

I'd like to ask the parents of twelve to fifteen-year-olds for a favour: please stop giving your kids money. The more money you give your kids, the more they're going to go see shitty movies. This has the effect that TK describes above. Hollywood will continue to take stellar concepts that adults would be perfectly willing to pay to see and water them down so the kids will get in and 'get it'. It's your responsibility to ensure that we get some quality, fucked up entertainment too.

Yours,

Admin

Posted by: admin at February 19, 2010 9:35 AM

Didn't they sort of already do a modernization of Little Red Riding Hood in Freeway? That movie was sweet and made me laugh. No werewolves though.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at February 19, 2010 9:40 AM

Freeway was indeed ace.

Posted by: PyD at February 19, 2010 9:43 AM

Listen, I like Seyfried, but Reese Witherspoon and Kiefer Sutherland already did this in "Freeway" and knocked it OUT. My dad, who hates every movie ever, LOVES it.

Posted by: DawnDraper at February 19, 2010 9:43 AM

Whoops, you guys beat me to it!

Posted by: DawnDraper at February 19, 2010 9:44 AM

If they make the wolf cute and sparkly I'll fucking looooooooose it!

Posted by: Xtreme at February 19, 2010 9:55 AM

Okay, that is it. I can keep quiet no longer. Lay off the sparkle hate, okay? Sparkles are quite awesome, and it isn't their fault that they had to pimp themselves out and as a result were slapped on an "alabaster chest" to do their thing. Give them a break already. It's hard to make a living for everybody right now, and maybe if more competent authors decided to utilize the sparkle, this sort of thing wouldn't happen.

Second, a "gothic retelling" of Little Red Riding Hood? If they're basing it off of the Perrault version, I don't know how much worse you could make it. Mr. Wolf was well fed in that baby. Makes me hungry just thinking about it. *smacks lips*

Posted by: elleyezee at February 19, 2010 10:10 AM

Posted by: admin at February 19, 2010 9:35 AM
---
*begins slow clap*

Posted by: , at February 19, 2010 10:14 AM

I'd like to ask the parents of twelve to fifteen-year-olds for a favour: please stop giving your kids money. The more money you give your kids, the more they're going to go see shitty movies.

Hey, I'm doing my part, I swear. It doesn't seem to be working, though. My kid's friend promised to take her to see Valentine's Day for her birthday next week.

I told her I'd rather burn the money than pay for such dreck.

But I'm also fighting bad taste on a second front, and so one of her gifts from me will be a DVD of Zombieland.

Posted by: Wednesday at February 19, 2010 10:17 AM

Okay, that is it. I can keep quiet no longer. Lay off the sparkle hate, okay? Sparkles are quite awesome, and it isn't their fault that they had to pimp themselves out and as a result were slapped on an "alabaster chest" to do their thing. Give them a break already. It's hard to make a living for everybody right now, and maybe if more competent authors decided to utilize the sparkle, this sort of thing wouldn't happen.

Sing it, sister!

Posted by: Sparkletits at February 19, 2010 10:28 AM

Freeway you say? Hmm, I am not so familiar with this film. Clearly, this has been to my detriment and should be rectified. Thanks for the recommendation, folks.

Oh, and I was intrigued by the Red Riding Hood news, until I got to the teen-ified part. I just keep reminding myself that I once was a teen, with, no doubt, horrible taste.

Posted by: tamatha at February 19, 2010 10:31 AM

I love Freeway! "Just give me the ****in' straw!"

Such a funny movie. The second one... not so much. I file it with Boondock Saints 2 as sequels that don't really exist.

Posted by: Mikey Likes It at February 19, 2010 10:42 AM

Ooooh, Freeway was some crazy shit. Anyone who complains that Reese Witherspoon is uptight and always plays the same roles needs to watch this movie. Crazypants. In a good way. And Britney Murphy was awesome in it.

But I am interested in this, if it is as you describe, TK. Much like her recent career assessment stated, I think Amanda Seyfried has real potential, and I think this story can be re-imagined in all kinds of different and interesting ways.

Posted by: Katers at February 19, 2010 11:07 AM

All right, we're already this far into the thread and there isn't a single joke about eating Amanda Seyfried? For shame. For SHAME!

Posted by: Jim Doggie at February 19, 2010 11:22 AM

I swear to christ I have already seen a Humpty Dumpty horror film. For the life of me I can't remember the title.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at February 19, 2010 11:26 AM

I swear to christ I have already seen a Humpty Dumpty horror film. For the life of me I can't remember the title.

Big Momma's House?

Posted by: Skewicide Blonde at February 19, 2010 11:28 AM

Skewicide Blonde, Bravo.

Freeway was such a funny movie! I didn't know who Reese Witherspoon was when I saw it (this was a long ass time ago) and she's had a lifetime pass ever since. Early career Reese Witherspoon was pretty great. She probably still could be but she's in a bit of a rut.

Posted by: becks at February 19, 2010 11:57 AM

Errrrrr I'm going to be such a kill joy and say don't dismiss Catherine Hardwick out of hand. Thirteen and Lords of Dogtown were great movies and sure, Twilight was a steaming pile of shit atop a flying fuck waffle, but I think we ALL know we can largely blame the source material for that. (Though how she let that "spider monkey" line fly by is beyond me. . .)

Anyway, if her impending Hamlet sucks large monkey (Emile Hirsch, I love you), then I think she's earned a terrible reputation. But as it stands. . .

OK, FINE, I'm hugely defensive of female directors because we have so few of them! I want more!!!

Posted by: coveredinbees at February 19, 2010 2:50 PM

yeah, C. Hardwicke got canned from the Twi-puke series because she was too good for that shit. I didn't see Thirteen, but Lords of Dogtown was fucken awesome.

Posted by: koj at February 19, 2010 3:02 PM

Thirteen's a good movie that I hate just a little bit since it showcases how truly talented the cheestastic Evan Rachel Wood can be and I want to be able to hate her.

Posted by: becks at February 19, 2010 3:09 PM

(Though how she let that "spider monkey" line fly by is beyond me. . .)

Are you kidding? That was the best part! Some friends and I watched this once. That happened and we had to pause the movie to laugh and laugh. Well, that and the "lion fell in love with the lamb" bit.

Posted by: elleyezee at February 19, 2010 4:50 PM

hmmmm...sounds familiar to the novel Scarlet Moon by Debbie ViguiƩ........

Posted by: weeksly at February 20, 2010 2:02 PM