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No One Is Safe From The Ratnerf*cking

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (9)

matthew-broderick-20060724-147170.jpg

Seriously, what the fuck, Casey Affleck. I thought we were down, man. I thought you’d figured out this Hollywood thing. You’ve been on a tear recently, putting on some spectacular performances in some brilliant movies — Gone Baby Gone, The Killer Inside Me, The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford — and now this?

And you! Broderick! OK, I know you’re not exactly swimming in offers, but still. You rocked that shit in Election. Your voice was suitably adorable in Tales Of Despereaux. What the hell.

Fucking fuckballs.

So, Tower Heist is the the comedy about “When a group of hard working guys find out they’ve fallen victim to a wealthy business man’s Ponzi scheme, they conspire to rob his high-rise residence. “ It’s being directed by one of the janitors of Satan’s vomitorium, Brett Ratner. It’s got a cast that includes Ben Stiller, Eddie Murphy, Tea Leoni, Gabourey Sidibe and Michael Pena.

And now Casey Affleck, who will play Stiller’s friend who is opposed to the scheme, and Broderick, who will play the rich asshole. I have no idea how to process this information. Ratner has made exactly 1.5 good movies — Rush Hour and Rush Hour 2. Everything else he’s made has been a hugely successful, tepid pile of shit. So how the hell is he getting this cast? I’m mostly annoyed with Affleck. Stiller will act in a fucking tampon commercial (as the tampon) if it pays well enough. Murphy just needs the work. Same for Leoni and Pena. Gabourey Sidibe is still trying to get herself a wider audience. Broderick… not always too discerning.

I dunno. Noah Baumbach’s script polish must have been a motherfucker. But Ratner will still direct this thing right off a cliff.

Hell is here, people. Hell. Is. Here.

(source: Slashfilm)









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Comments

Seriously though, am I really not safe from the Ratnerfucking? Should I get a vaccination? Can I tape all of my holes shut? Is there some sort Ratnerpellant, perhaps a trapping device? I'm really concerned about Ratner robbing me of my innocent and delicate flower.

Posted by: admin at October 27, 2010 10:04 AM

Gabourey Sidibe is still trying to get herself a wider audience.
---
I see what you did there.

Posted by: , at October 27, 2010 10:18 AM

Average moviegoers only know about the LOUDNOISEGOBOOM or SADMOVIEICRYNOW previews that rattle the reptilian portions of their brains, so great actors occasionally have to slum it with bad directors who make financially successful movies if they want to stay marketable. Otherwise, the studio will eventually look at the bottom line and notice that Shia Leboeuf is in movies that earn $400 million against Casey Affleck's $30 million grosses, so guess who gets more offers from the studios?

If a talented actor/actress nails 75% of their movie choices during his/her prime, they're an all-time great.

Calm down. Have some dip.

Posted by: Kballs at October 27, 2010 10:19 AM

Gabourey Sidibe is a terrible actress. Precious was a shit movie, completely unrealistic, especially when it tries to show that shit like that only happens to her. All the women are either angels or demons, and the men are backdrops.

Posted by: Taylor Kozakar at October 27, 2010 11:41 AM

I'm really concerned about Ratner robbing me of my innocent and delicate flower.

If I read the last Dirty Talk post right, you should use lots of lube.

And there are no pussy trolls. I think. I never did get an answer for that one.

Posted by: Vermillion at October 27, 2010 2:23 PM

1. Kballs is the balls - The KBalls.

2. Broderick is the kiss of death in studio movies: Bee Movie,The Producers, Deck the Halls, The Stepford Wives, Inspector Gadget, Godzilla, The Cable Guy.

Balls.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at October 27, 2010 2:26 PM

WTF. I thought Tea Leoni hates Brett Ratner's guts. Is she really so desperately in need of going to work she agreed to be directed by this slimeball?

Posted by: Bonzo at October 28, 2010 1:02 AM

Taylor, precious was overrated like a motherfucka...but, unrealistic it was not. I've worked in youth homes and government placement homes and I promise I've seen young ladies and men that have gone through much worse at much younger ages.

Posted by: Gamal at October 28, 2010 7:07 PM

Gamal, i dont think i worded that correctly, or didnt use the right words..?? whatever. i was trying to say that the only unrealistic thing about the film, is that it makes it out to be that shit like that, only happens to certain people. shit like that happens to ALOT OF TEENAGERS AND CHILDREN. and yes your right, hell i live in LA, all i have to do is turn on the 6:00 news and see some kids dead, or even today, some mexican drug cartel killed and/or injured 14 children at a fucking birthday party. like i said before, i know its realistic in the actual abuse sense, but when they made it seem like it was only happening to her? that was it for me. and plus, after that stupid rapper mo'nique or whatever won an oscar, i was about ready to have a stroke, of utter depressing astonishment.

Posted by: Taylor Kozakar at October 28, 2010 10:20 PM