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McCarthy-esque Anti-Communist Agitprop Gets Its Director

Captain America, G.O.P. / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | November 11, 2008 | Comments (50)

… soooo, Captain America. He’s, like, patriotic and stuff. He hates commies and black people. He’s like the Republican super-hero, am I right? Dude wears a goddamn flag and snuffs out terrorists and gays and he’s, like, married to Sarah Palin or something. They’re making a movie about him. I understand that, in it, Captain America beats the shit out of Michael Moore with his shield and then bites off a baby’s head. Martin Short is gonna be in it and he’s gonna do a funny accent and then Captain America is gonna whip out is cock and urinate on some socialists. It’s gonna be awesome.

OK. So, that’s off the record and maybe untrue and maybe I just made it all up, except the part about Captain America being a Republican. Cause you just know that motherfucker is. Anyway, the movie, which will be released in 2011, has a director attached now. Joe Johnston. I know, right? That’s exactly who I would’ve pegged.

Wait? Who the hell is Joe Johnston?

Actually, most of you know who Joe Johnston is, you just don’t know who he is. You’ve certainly seen some of his movies, but with one exception (October Sky), the rest have been visually attractive but otherwise kind of bad: Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, Jumanji, Jurassic Park III. He was Steven Spielberg’s protégé before D.J. Caruso, but he kind of disappeared until recently, when he got attached to The Wolf Man.

Anyway, there’s your Marvel Comic movie news for the day. Still, no one has signed on to play Captain America. My vote: Jon Hamm. Why the fuck not, you know? He just looks like a Steve Rogers, doesn’t he?


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Comments

Ahem....Star Wars fans know who Joe Johnston is. Dude is OG ILM.


Why not? Steve Rogers is blond. Do you want to see a bleached Hamm?

Otherwise, yeah, he does look a bit like Alex Ross designed him. I'll keep holding out for McDonough though.

Posted by: Jay at November 11, 2008 11:08 AM

Hey! why don't they cast R. Kelly or Kanye, make it a Spike Lee joint!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 11, 2008 11:08 AM

You do know that it was the southern democrats who hated black people until the Johnson administration pissed them off and they switched parties. Besides, communists are assholes. They take away all of your freedoms, especially the good ones. Worst of all, have you seen a grocery store in a communist country? There's no fucking selection! You just stock up on what they have that day.

Let's just hope Sarah Palin dies of shame, and then we can get back to basics in this country.

Posted by: George at November 11, 2008 11:13 AM

Why that would give "Earth X" a whole new meaning!

Ohhhhh my sides.

Posted by: Jay at November 11, 2008 11:14 AM

Wait....Wolfman? as in a remake of the Lon Chaney Jr film? Goddamn you Hollywood.

Posted by: s. pisaster at November 11, 2008 11:22 AM

Jay, please never say "Bleached Hamm" again. It sounds like SUCH a heinous sex act.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at November 11, 2008 11:26 AM

Ummm, why is Capt. America considered a Republican again? I mean besides Dustin's refusal to even look stuff up on wikipedia and everything.

Jay, please never say "Bleached Hamm" again. It sounds like SUCH a heinous sex act.

Really? It sounded more like a Seussian entree.

Please, I repeat, PLEASE DO NOT THINK OF A COMBINATION OF THE TWO. I just broke my sense of self doing so.

Posted by: Vermillion at November 11, 2008 11:29 AM

Ok, so first of all I thought, "FUCK YEA

Posted by: Kayanne at November 11, 2008 11:31 AM

Ummm I swear I typed "FUCK YEA, JON HAMM!" in my above post.

Maybe the comment field doesn't share my enthusiasm for Hamm?

Maybe it smelled the stink of a fiscal conservative on me. Also, is there really a Republican hero? And if so, why is Nader the college kids hero? Personally, TRON PAUL makes a hilarious conservative hero... because it mixes crazy old man with crazy movie.

Posted by: Kayanne at November 11, 2008 11:36 AM

This: Ummm, why is Capt. America considered a Republican again? I mean besides Dustin's refusal to even look stuff up on wikipedia and everything.

Made me snort soup out of my nose.

Posted by: TylerDFC at November 11, 2008 11:40 AM

You people are fucking brilliant, all of you.

Posted by: Jerce at November 11, 2008 11:42 AM

You horrible, Verm. Now You've made mM squirm.
Like a falfalloo fly in a Zombity-zurm.
Just Excuse me Ma'am, no more Bleached Sexy Hamm
Get these Out of my head! I don't give a Damn!

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at November 11, 2008 11:50 AM

Me*

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at November 11, 2008 11:55 AM

Vermillion,

I apologize profusely, I had no idea you had made a HammSeuss mash-up until Rhyme made a... rhyme about it. I promise I was not stealing your idea. I am, however, in your head. The assimilation will begin swiftly.

My condolences for any inconvenience. Shall I bake cookies to make it up to you?

Posted by: Kayanne at November 11, 2008 11:56 AM

never say "Bleached Hamm" again

Exactly. It's wrong.

NOW....gray his temples and I'd LOVE to see him play Superman in the "Kingdom Come" movie that doesn't, you know, exist, but still....

Posted by: Jay at November 11, 2008 11:56 AM

I reject your reality and substitute my own.

The only actor even remotely talented enough to play Cap would be Djimon Hounsou. I mean, picture it...As he faces off with the Red Skull atop a burning castle Cap will say something about how hatred and bigotry can never overcome truth, justice and the American Way and the Red Skull will be all like "Dude, I didn't understand a word you just said, your accent is, like, crazy thick" and Cap will just repeat what he said but louder and Red Skull will be all "No, seriously, I have no idea what you're saying, and why do you have wings on your head? Can you actually fly with those things or is that some kind of passive aggressive thing against butt-pirates?", then Cap will scream something unintelligible about his son and a diamond stuck up his ass, and then the Red Skull will just shoot him in the head.

What?

Posted by: Manny at November 11, 2008 11:56 AM

MANNY!!!!!!!!!

My condolences for any inconvenience. Shall I bake cookies to make it up to you?

I suppose a dozen peanut butter chip is a high enough price to pay for my sanity and sense of individuality.

Wait, do I get the cookies first?

Posted by: Vermillion at November 11, 2008 12:00 PM

No, you may not have cookies. You may, however, partake of my fountain of genius. Open wide for chunky!

Posted by: Manny at November 11, 2008 12:03 PM

Vermillion

Oh you'll get my cookies... *sigh* I really am the worst. I didn't even type that the first time around with anything other than baked goods in mind. Sheesh.

Also, Manny, that was so brilliant. Seriously, I jumped into the wrong head. Would you allow me to steal your headspace for some cookies? Or do you require pie?

Posted by: Kayanne at November 11, 2008 12:05 PM

I know you wave your willful ignorance comicdom, and mock it loudly to our geeky faces so we shout names and get a debate going,Dustin but damn won't it be hard to keep the charade up when Wolverine comes out.It's a Geeky comic movie, but it's got Ryan Reynolds in it.

The Cap is a liberal by the way.(in most continuities)

Posted by: cockroach at November 11, 2008 12:07 PM

Is this the same fountain of genius that requires a month to write a post on the blog? Sorry, I am lazy enough as is. :)

Posted by: Vermillion at November 11, 2008 12:11 PM

Yeah, it turns out that Cap was created by liberals during WWII, revived by liberals in the 60's, made great by liberals in the 70's, and somehow he's a republican because Rowles hates the flag.

Dude: Cap has busted more secret fascist conversative coup attempts in 50 years than Michael Moore and Oliver Stone could dream up on a weekend lost in the Mojave cranked up on peyote and worm-juice.

Get a grip, Rowles. Everything red white and blue is not homophobic and repulsive.

Posted by: hater from siloam springs at November 11, 2008 12:20 PM

After all, Tony Stark's the police state oppressor.

Posted by: Jay at November 11, 2008 12:23 PM

Beloved RD Jr.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at November 11, 2008 12:31 PM

After all, Tony Stark's the police state oppressor.

Is it weird that I think that's hot?

It's weird.

Also, Vermillion your cookies are in the mail. Thank you for allowing me your headspace.

Posted by: Kayanne at November 11, 2008 12:55 PM

Yeah, Captain Planet was the Neocon. DUUUUUUUH.

Posted by: Eep at November 11, 2008 12:59 PM

Steve Rogers' blood is on your hands.

Posted by: Jay at November 11, 2008 12:59 PM

Really? Accusations of flag hating now? Jeez, I thought we were beyond this already.

It was a joke, folks. A bad joke, maybe. An ill-informed joke, surely. But still a joke.

And quite frankly, if you actually thought he was being serious (considering he is so woefully undereducated in comic book matters that nothing he says about them can be taken seriously), maybe you need to take a break or something.

Posted by: Vermillion at November 11, 2008 1:05 PM

Vermillion if you actually thought he was being serious (considering he is so woefully undereducated in comic book matters that nothing he says about them can be taken seriously), maybe you need to take a break or something.

Why so drastic, any Pajibians that thought Dustin was being serious just need to cut a deal with Mestipho. Sure they might loose their kids or marital status, but it would all be worth because it Rowles would never have called The Cap a Republican.

Posted by: cockroach at November 11, 2008 1:15 PM

Way to cock-black the comedy, Vermillion.

I'm taking back my cookies and moving out of your head.

Communist.

Posted by: Kayanne at November 11, 2008 1:27 PM

Well, Rowles is a known hater, a rabid anti-Star Wars polemicist.

It wouldn't surprise me in the least if he uses rolled-up flags to light up his grill.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 11, 2008 1:27 PM

Oh no, I didn't mean you guys. I meant this:

Get a grip, Rowles. Everything red white and blue is not homophobic and repulsive.

Sorry if I put a damper on the fun (since really, anyone who loved Iron Man that much while hating the freedom-fighting Star Wars has to be a fascist seeking to take away our guns, lightsabers, and superpowered vigilantism), but that kinda busted me first.

Continue as scheduled.

Posted by: Vermillion at November 11, 2008 1:35 PM

cock-BLOCK

that was awful, sorry.

Posted by: Kayanne at November 11, 2008 1:35 PM

By the way, you can't just wave cookies in front of a starving, lunch-hour-deprived man's face, and then rip them away.

He might get....testy.

ME WANT COOKIES.

Posted by: Vermillion at November 11, 2008 1:42 PM

Mmmm cookies

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at November 11, 2008 2:01 PM

Johnston's first movie was The Rocketeer so he has done comic books before.

Posted by: Adam C at November 11, 2008 2:09 PM

I think you should start getting writers who like comics even a little bit, or are at least passingly familiar with them and their characters, to write these comic book movie news blurbs. This shit's getting tired.

Posted by: Mitch Clem at November 11, 2008 2:14 PM

There was a Black Captain America

http://www.marvel.com/universe/Bradley,_Isaiah

He stole the uniform.... haha.

Posted by: Beauregard at November 11, 2008 2:24 PM

Dustin, why do you even bother to write about things you know nothing about and have no interest in? You're not going to like the movie because you're too cool for comics.

We get it.

Jesus Christ if you don't want to even bother to exert the barest minimum of effort, then just go write about something else.

Posted by: Oh Henry at November 11, 2008 3:42 PM

Oh Henry, shut the fuck up and bite off your balls. He was kidding.

And yeah, those movies were reasonably pretty and directed fine. Maybe it'll be good with an unshitty script.

Posted by: Lucas at November 11, 2008 4:13 PM

As far as casting Capt. America goes, for what's it's worth, this suggestion has been floating around in the geeksphere a while:
John Barrowman.

Pretty sure it's just rumour, though. But hell, I'd watch that! Can't you just imagine?

Posted by: Tarn at November 11, 2008 4:50 PM

Look, he's gay and Scottish. This ain't Leftenant Poof, it's Captain America!

Isn't the damn Wolverine movie pandering to you ladies enough?

Give me Neal McDonough!!!!

Posted by: Jay at November 11, 2008 5:48 PM

cock-black

HA!

Posted by: jM at November 11, 2008 6:22 PM

Oh, I'm not saying I'd like to see it for the eye-candy - he's far too gay to fantasise about! But I think he would be fun to watch, the way RDJ was as Iron Pants.

I don't take comics too seriously, me......

Posted by: Tarn at November 11, 2008 6:46 PM

G'head. Try to deflate my joke.

Posted by: Jay at November 11, 2008 7:27 PM

Rowles, how hard is it to look up simple geek related items on wikipedia? Do some fucking research, you pinko bastard!

Besides, America gave us the greatest freedoms ever such as the Bill of Rights (especially the first and second amendments) and several of the other constitutional amendments. This country is still the best even though a bunch of assholes in the federal and local governments have been fucking things up.

Posted by: George at November 11, 2008 11:51 PM

Two things:

1.) Cap has never been further right than a Truman Democrat in any incarnation and that's not gonna change for the movie.

2.) The Rocketeer alone is proof that Joe Johnston is the PERFECT person to direct a 1940s pre-Avengers adventure featuring Captain America. That movie is fucking fantastic, captures the period perfectly and has the right mix of self-deprecating humour and entirely serious action.

Posted by: mightygodking at November 12, 2008 12:51 AM

Steve Rogers is a notoriously hard role to fill. I mean the right actor has to be not only blonde and muscular, but tall. That kind of character complexity might be too much for one man to pull off.

Posted by: slappy at November 12, 2008 5:12 AM

What you mean, try? *hee*

Posted by: Tarn at November 12, 2008 9:39 AM

Might I suggest Tahmoh Penikett?

Yes, Helo from Battlestar Galactica. Yes, it's a bit of a typecast (the one guy who you know is beyond moral reproach). Yes, he's probably a little old. Yes, he's Canadian.

But he would be awesome at it, I think.

Posted by: Shadowen at November 12, 2008 7:46 PM