November 13, 2007 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | November 13, 2007 |


God. Damn. I got nothing today, ladies and gentlemen. Nothing good, anyway. Jesus Christ how depressing is it when I have to lead with this: Rob Zombie is not remaking C.H.U.D., which is probably the best news of the week. Rumors swirled for a month or so that he’d be directing remake of one of the worst horror flicks I’ve ever seen sober, but one of the best I’ve ever seen while intoxicated. And you just can’t recapture the magic of drunk awesome, in the same way it’s impossible to reproduce break-up sex after you reconcile. It’s just not the same. The bad news, however, is that Rob Zombie is planning on making another studio film, and according to him, it won’t be a horror flick. What the fuck else is Zombie qualified to do? What? He’s gonna get Mandy Moore and Josh Hartnett and direct a romantic comedy? I’d like to see how he works all those ADD jump cuts into a love scene — I suppose he’d actually be a great choice if the movie were about two epileptics who fall in love after they crash their cars into one another during simultaneous fits, and then to heighten their sexual experiences, they play video games while doublebacking. Oh shit — that’s not a bad idea. Lay off, Zombie. It’s mine.

Moving on: Last Father’s Day, our Worst Movie Fathers of All Time Guide contained one Jerry Blake, impressively played Terry O’Quinn in the horror flick The Stepfather (“Daddy’s home and he’s not very happy!”). Since it’s officially been 20 years now since its release, a remake is constitutionally mandated. In your title role, Dylan Walsh (“Nip/Tuck”) will be taking over duties, which is a spectacularly bad choice, akin to, say, casting Dan Fogler in The Machinist. His wife slash outlet-for-his-homicidal-tendencies will be played by Sela Ward (whom I like, just not in shitty remakes of classic B-movies), while Penn Badgley and Adrianne Palicki (“Friday Night Lights”) round out the principal cast. Nelson McCormick and J.S. Cardone will direct and write respectively, as soon as they finish up their remake of Prom Night (starring motherfucking Brittany Snow in the Jamie Lee Curtis role), due out in April.

In a story I’ve been avoiding for weeks now out of sheer apathy, Oliver Stone’s next film sees him returning to his roots: Vietnam flicks. Pinkville will be about the investigation of My Lai massacre, in which American soldiers killed several hundred Vietnamese civilians. Bruce Willis has been cast as General William R. Peers, who oversaw the investigation. The cast will include Woody Harrelson, Channing Tatum, and now Xzibit — yeah, the guy who hosts “Pimp My Ride,” which may actually be the most obnoxious MTV series of all time. That said, I can actually see Xzibit as a decent dramatic actor. Nevertheless, another war movie? I’m not sure when it began, but war-movie fatigue is at ridiculously high levels; not even Eastwood could drum up an audience for Oscar-worthy WWII films. Hell, most of us can’t bothered to pay attention to the war we’re immersed in. What makes the studios believe we’ll go out in droves to another one about Vietnam? In fact, for the time being, serious movies seem to be all but dead. Take out American Gangster and 3:10 to Yuma and there’s no other “serious” films among the top 40 grossers of 2007, and looking ahead, only two serious films — Charlie Wilson’s War and The Great Debaters — seem to have any chance at box-office success. Yep — this is gonna be the kind of year that John Travolta gets nominated for an Oscar for his role in Hairspray. You watch.

This week’s mandatory video-game adaptation stars Mark Wahlberg as Max Payne, which is some third-person shooter about the mob and drug dealers and the NYPD and blah blah blah — it’ll be about weaponry, ammunition, and lame one-liners. John Moore (The Omen, Flight of the Phoenix will direct. And Wahlberg: Dude. Do you want to be an action star, or a decent dramatic actor? Make up your goddamn mind. Just when I decide that you’re the latter, you do a shit film and lose all that credibility you’ve earned. Stop being so goddamn schizophrenic. You’re not Nic Cage for God’s sake.

And in the trailer watch, y’all are going to kill me for this, but so be it. I’ll only preface it by saying this: I’m sorry. So sorry.

I’m really sorry. Sincerely. Let me make it up to you:

Now I’m just being an asshole. Let’s be friends. One last trailer. And I’ll preface this one with two words: Skank. Cancer.

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The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | November 13, 2007 | Comments ()



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