Cannes Needs Batman: Crime Spree Strikes Film Festival
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Cannes Needs Batman: Crime Spree Strikes Film Festival

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trade News | May 22, 2013 | Comments ()


I kind of feel bad now for all those years of trade news posts referring to the random vice presidents and directors and co-presidents of this or that as disposable executives now that there is apparently a crime spree going down at the Cannes Film Festival.

Last week over a million dollars of jewelry was stolen from an unattended safe in a hotel room. That's got to make some sort of hall of fame for bad ideas that insurance is never going to cover. Really, they should have hid the jewelry behind all the junk in the minibar. It would have been totally safe because no one ever goes in there. And even if they did, the M&Ms in there would have been more expensive than the diamonds anyway. I also can't quite decide if this was a fantastic Danny Ocean heist, or if it was just the world's luckiest burglar, on account of it being so unbelievable that such valuables would be left unattended in a hotel safe, that it's inexplicable why anyone would have knowingly looked there for them.

But then a rented apartment of an attendee was broken into.

And then the rented villa of a group of, err, well, disposable executives was broken into and a bunch of electronics stolen.

And then another one.

And then the muggings and violence began.

Said one of the victims: "There have always been issues with this sort of thing during the festival. But it seems like there is more of it this year. I think it's tied to the poor economic conditions."

No word yet on how these incidents will be blamed on Internet piracy, though I have unconfirmed and completely made up reports that the MPAA is floating the idea of calling muggings "torrenting".

But so help me if this whole thing ends up being a PR stunt for Bling Ring, I will build an atomic weapon in my garage and drive it to Hollywood myself.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Aren't safes supposed to be left unattended? I mean, that's what they are for, aren't they?

  • L.O.V.E.

    Does Cannes need Batman?
    Jewel heist in France calls for
    Inspector Clouseau

  • MikeRoorda

    I hadn't even considered that it could be a viral campaign.

    I'm gonna start eating a lot of fiber and bran muffins and stocking up on paper bags. Anyone able to give me a list of doorbells to ring?

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Regarding the safe...they actually stole the safe. They took the entire safe, with the jewelry. So, not something you expect.

  • TheReinaG

    Outside of film and really bad insider theft, that's actually *usually* the way theft involving safes goes.

  • Mrs. Julien

    So if nothing else, the thieves have moxie.

  • Bert_McGurt

    And probably also a hernia or two.

  • NateMan

    If they didn't before they can certainly afford it now.

  • BobbFrapples

    If it is a viral marketing angle, I want to see the reveal. "Excuse me, sir, is this the diamond encrusted toe clipper you were missing?"

  • NateMan

    "No, you dimwitted buffoon, I told you it was set in platinum, not this cheap yellow gold shit! Who do you take me for, Lil John?!"

  • BobbFrapples


  • Wembley

    It was kind of inevitable-Hollywood and Cannes are two of the great concentrations of rich idiots...

  • NateMan

    Oh no, I hope they don't steal all the pretension!

  • zeke_the_pig

    A carrier bag big enough to carry all that has yet to be fashioned.

  • NateMan

    Oh, it has. You just aren't cool enough to have heard of it. But it looks like it was stitched out of an old Polish woman's curtains, and it costs $15,000.

  • zeke_the_pig

    I'll just keep an eye on Gwyneth Paltrow's wardrobe then. I'm sure to spot it soon.

  • Pinky McLadybits

    Shit. I didn't even think of the viral marketing angle. If this turns out to be the case, save me a seat in the Murdertank.

  • zeke_the_pig

    Ditto. I'll man the turret.

  • Pinky McLadybits

    I'll woman the flame thrower. And the Scotch.

  • zeke_the_pig

    Well now I'm just hoping that it WAS a marketing thing

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Me, too.

    Can I get the missile launcher? And a share of the whiskey?

  • zeke_the_pig

    Launch away!
    But it's Pinky's Scotch, so I can't give that away...
    but yes

  • BlackRabbit

    All aboard the nuclear wessel!

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