There's Your Next Movie! / TK
Trade News | February 6, 2009 | Comments ()
A long time ago, I wrote a comment in these hallowed halls that Hollywood was making a movie based on “My Little Pony,” starring Jennifer Cans Hewitt and directed by “the guy who did Battlefield Earth.” It garnered quite a bit of shock and revulsion, and I later confessed that it was just a joke, much to the chagrin of the suckered. Well, I’m not joking about this.
Board games. Board games are being made into movies. Look, just because it worked for Clue (yes, yes, I KNOW, Sarina. It’s the bestesteverrrrr. Now shut your face hole), doesn’t mean it’s time to dig through every goddamn box in the closet. And yet, here we are. Reports are that Candyland is going to be made into a major motion picture, directed by Kevin Lima (Enchanted) and written by Etan Cohen, who penned Tropic Thunder. This is weirder than Ridley Scott directing Monopoly. Oh wait, that’s happening too. While that’s some decent pedigree involved, I’m still fucking baffled by the concept.
Secondly, some retardo pile of brain rot is making a Ouija board movie. It’s described as being “a, like, Pirates of the Caribbean adventure story, with a Ouija board at the center of it.” Kill yourself. No, I’m not fucking joking. Take a gun and shoot yourself in the face.
First things first: There already was a Ouija based movie, and it was called Witchboard. It fucking sucked, it spawned TWO sequels, and I’ve seen it at least seven times. I’ve only seen the sequels once. And I guarantee this will be worse than any of them. Witchboard, though. Damn. That was some shit, huh? Tawny Kitaen? How can you lose?
As for Candyland… I keep thinking of Candyman. Now, if they could somehow incorporate the two, I could totally get behind that. Something about a Queen Frostine and King Whatever-the-hell-his-name-was, and Grandma Nutt (dirty, dirty), and exploring around Gum Drop Road or whatever, and then BANG! Tony Todd and bees coming out of his mouth and Grandma Nutt ends up with a fucking hook to the face. Some Virginia Madsen action couldn’t hurt, either.
Yeah, that’s what I’m talking ‘bout.