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Open A Cupboard And Grab Something At Random

There’s Your Next Movie! / TK

Trade News | February 6, 2009 | Comments (55)

A long time ago, I wrote a comment in these hallowed halls that Hollywood was making a movie based on “My Little Pony,” starring Jennifer Cans Hewitt and directed by “the guy who did Battlefield Earth.” It garnered quite a bit of shock and revulsion, and I later confessed that it was just a joke, much to the chagrin of the suckered. Well, I’m not joking about this.

Board games. Board games are being made into movies. Look, just because it worked for Clue (yes, yes, I KNOW, Sarina. It’s the bestesteverrrrr. Now shut your face hole), doesn’t mean it’s time to dig through every goddamn box in the closet. And yet, here we are. Reports are that Candyland is going to be made into a major motion picture, directed by Kevin Lima (Enchanted) and written by Etan Cohen, who penned Tropic Thunder. This is weirder than Ridley Scott directing Monopoly. Oh wait, that’s happening too. While that’s some decent pedigree involved, I’m still fucking baffled by the concept.

Secondly, some retardo pile of brain rot is making a Ouija board movie. It’s described as being “a, like, Pirates of the Caribbean adventure story, with a Ouija board at the center of it.” Kill yourself. No, I’m not fucking joking. Take a gun and shoot yourself in the face.

First things first: There already was a Ouija based movie, and it was called Witchboard. It fucking sucked, it spawned TWO sequels, and I’ve seen it at least seven times. I’ve only seen the sequels once. And I guarantee this will be worse than any of them. Witchboard, though. Damn. That was some shit, huh? Tawny Kitaen? How can you lose?

As for Candyland… I keep thinking of Candyman. Now, if they could somehow incorporate the two, I could totally get behind that. Something about a Queen Frostine and King Whatever-the-hell-his-name-was, and Grandma Nutt (dirty, dirty), and exploring around Gum Drop Road or whatever, and then BANG! Tony Todd and bees coming out of his mouth and Grandma Nutt ends up with a fucking hook to the face. Some Virginia Madsen action couldn’t hurt, either.

candyman.jpg

Yeah, that’s what I’m talking ‘bout.









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Comments

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Posted by: Skitz at February 6, 2009 12:06 PM

It's described as being "a, like, Pirates of the Caribbean adventure story, with a Ouija board at the center of it."

You mean...like Jumanji...with zombies? Jumombies? Nah, that sounds too racist...

Posted by: KarmaDarling at February 6, 2009 12:08 PM

Wake me when they announce Pictionary.

Posted by: Snath at February 6, 2009 12:10 PM

Maybe this will be fantastic if you drop a shit-ton of acid before you head into the theater.

I mean, a lot of fun colors and candy-people are going to be involved.

Posted by: tt_marie at February 6, 2009 12:13 PM

I won't be wasting my money on this crap. I'm waiting for Parcheesi.

Posted by: admin at February 6, 2009 12:14 PM

I'm holding out for Risk. People get violent over that boring, boring game.

In an age when poker gets televised, are you really surprised? Shit, I keep waiting for Comcast to announce the HiDef Grass Growing channel, with weekend marathons of Watch That Paint Dry!.

Now there's some Hangover Theater, I tell you.

Posted by: Wednesday at February 6, 2009 12:16 PM

I KNOW you didn't just say that Witchboard sucked. That is on my list of all-time favorite movies to watch at Halloween. I mean, sure, the acting is terrible, and sure, the plot doesn't hold together all that way. And SURE, it has Patch from Days of Our Lives in it.

But it has Tawny Kitaen!!!! The fedora, the deep voice, the channeling of Kathleen Turner, the shower scene...these are the things of wet dreams for an adolescent boy. And I'm not even straight!

Damn, I love that movie.

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at February 6, 2009 12:20 PM

Let's go rooting around in the basement, and see what we can find...Balderdash, UNO, Cootie, Hi-Ho! Cherry-O, all viable options.

Wait...Settlers of Catan. That's the ticket.

Posted by: branded at February 6, 2009 12:20 PM

Dammit, "Witchboard" is scary!!

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 12:21 PM

Risk, the Movie.

UKRAINE IS NOT WEAK!

Posted by: JH at February 6, 2009 12:22 PM

I can see the movie poster now...

RISK - THE MOVIE
UKRAINE IS NOT WEAK!

Posted by: JH at February 6, 2009 12:23 PM

apologies for the double post.

How about Don't Break The Ice - The Movie?

Posted by: JH at February 6, 2009 12:25 PM

No Hi-Ho Cherry-O movie?

I want to see how they make a horror movie titled: Eat at Ralph's. My hair was caught in the conveyer belt and since that night I can only associate it with horror.

Posted by: Morgagod at February 6, 2009 12:25 PM

with weekend marathons of Watch That Paint Dry!.

In the book 'Feed,' where everyone is a jacked-in moron, the most popular sitcom is called "Oh? Wow! Thing!"

Posted by: twig at February 6, 2009 12:32 PM

Nope, I'm waiting for the big screen version of Uno.

In the high-stakes world of international UNO gambling, only ONE can emerge victorious!!

Starring: Adolf Hitler
Napoleon Bonaparte
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Tom Green
Lance Armstrong
Peter Falk
Sandy Duncan

Posted by: dammitjanet at February 6, 2009 12:32 PM

How about the game, Sorry. That way each shitty creative mind behind the crap can be placed in the dice bopper, (that domed thing in the middle of the board)and be bounced around until they come up snake eyes or concussed to the point that they cannot write this tripe any more.

Posted by: richmac at February 6, 2009 12:34 PM

Open A Cupboard And Grab Something At Random...

...and then find a way to fucking kill yourself with it.

Posted by: Sean at February 6, 2009 12:38 PM

Wednesday:

You do know there's a channel called "Sunrise Earth", right? You just watch the sun come up in different locations.

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 6, 2009 12:40 PM

Who can take a rainbow?

Posted by: Lucas at February 6, 2009 12:42 PM

anyone else notice how board games fit into different genres. Kerplunk would be a futuristic life or death game... guess who would be a detective noir thriller while connect 4 would be about cops links to the underworld. I cant wait for Draughts: the movie... Drink or be kinged

Posted by: jim at February 6, 2009 12:44 PM

Clue is the greatest thing EVAR.

"Flames... on the side of my face... burning..."

Posted by: Gabs at February 6, 2009 12:44 PM

Personally, I'd love to see Vin Diesel star in Fireball Island: Everyone Burned To A Crisp.

Posted by: Sean at February 6, 2009 12:46 PM

Paddydog, I actually kind of like Sunrise Earth. It gives HDTV's a sense of purpose.

Posted by: TK at February 6, 2009 12:48 PM

Operation could be a fun one, but only if it's a documentary of going around to the homes of the people that direct this shit.

"Hi, Mr. Lima. I'm here to remove your appendix. What? No, I know you don't have appendicitis." [/stabs with forceps] "Stop jerking around so much or I'll touch the side!" [loud screams] "Now, see what you did? I've set off the buzzer."

Uh-oh. Get the MurderAmbulance.

Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at February 6, 2009 12:49 PM

Just don't try to top the Crossfire commercials. No movie could outdo those production values.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCwn1NTK-50

Posted by: branded at February 6, 2009 12:57 PM

I always wanted Dark Tower. I burned for it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxrY7MWEkwE

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 1:13 PM

Etan Cohen is way too close to Ethan Coen. It's like he's purposely trying to fool people.

Posted by: katy at February 6, 2009 1:14 PM

They also made Clue books that were murder-mysteries you were supposed to solve. And yes, I read them in between Choose Your Own Adventure and Sweet Valley Twins and Friends. Quality reading.

Posted by: kelsy at February 6, 2009 1:30 PM

I'd like to pitch "Cootie", starring Sarah Jessica Horseface and directed by Uwe Boll

Ooh, how about "Ants in the Pants" starring Jessica Alba's ass and Paris Hilton?

Of course, we could always do Michael Bay's "Battleship", featuring Ben Affleck reprising his role in this re-imagining of Pearl Harbor, except this time Affleck thwarts the Japanese attack by stacking all of our ships on top of each other.

Arnold and Sly battle one more time in "Rock 'Em Sock "Em Robots"?

Then again how about.......HELP! SOMEONE PLEASE STOP ME BEFORE MY HEAD EXPLODES!

Posted by: swingdude at February 6, 2009 1:33 PM

Boggle. But it would have to be porn.

Posted by: courtney at February 6, 2009 1:33 PM

How about "Mystery Date?" That could be every lame rom-com in the last 20 years.

Posted by: rlr260 at February 6, 2009 1:38 PM

Sunrise Earth.

Really?

Sunrise Earth.

Sigh.

Well. I suppose it's still more original than anything currently airing on The "N".

Posted by: Wednesday at February 6, 2009 1:42 PM

YAHTZEE: THE MOVIE

You can thank me later.

Posted by: Smokin at February 6, 2009 1:44 PM

I'm holding out for Jean-Luc Godard's Milles Borne to really class up the film-from-game genre.

Posted by: ed newman at February 6, 2009 1:56 PM

You guys and your crazy ideas.

Pick Up Styx: Battle For The Living Room Floor.

The story of a physically disabled boy (Johnny Shakes) who has just one dream - to pick up the stick. As he grows into manhood he learns to control his disbility and is on his way to becoming household champion. But there is one person standing in his way - Brucey "Cucumber" Yamamato, neighbourhood champ. Who will win the final showdown, to the Death!

Staring:
Michael Cera as Johnny Shakes and Jet Li as Brucey "Cucumber" Yamamato

Posted by: admin at February 6, 2009 1:59 PM

The blog I run with Chris P. eerily fortold this Candyland movie way back in October 2008 (as well as the Monopoly movie before that one came to fruition)...not to toot our own horn too much (okay, a little bit), but:

http://www.theblogulator.com/2008/10/clue-movie-ride.html

Posted by: Qualler at February 6, 2009 2:07 PM

ed newman I thought I was the only one who had that game! It is by far my favorite card game. Uno has nothing on Mille Bornes!

Posted by: Morgagod at February 6, 2009 2:29 PM

I seem to recall that there actually was a My Little Pony movie, and it was awesome. I think there was some sort of purple living goo and an evil cat-witch lady. Or three witch sisters? Maybe there were two movies. And there was a little pink dragon! I wanted that toy so bad when I was little. Somehow I managed to aquire just about ever My Little Pony ever, but I never got the dragon.

Posted by: s. pisaster at February 6, 2009 2:35 PM

Wow. Pisaster should probably lay off the mescaline.

Posted by: I Love Beets at February 6, 2009 2:41 PM

Morgagod,

We still have the game, and the kid's love it. Ain't nothing like Coup-Fourréing someone's ass.

Posted by: ed newman at February 6, 2009 2:47 PM

Pisaster hasn't eaten too much mescaline...I remember the My Little Pony movie also. And I will proudly admit that I watched it and loved it at least three times as a little girl. Candyland can suck it cause it won't match the craptastitude of My Little Pony.

And if Hollywood is going to produce a board game movie, it should be based on Scattergories. Done as a serial killer movie. The killer would use the 26-sided dice to give clues to who the next victim would be and the word sheets would be like a scavenger hunt to lead the police to the body. Or something like that.

Morgan Freeman could star as the grizzled police detective with Naomi Watts as his ingenue partner.

Posted by: stardust savant at February 6, 2009 3:04 PM

s.pisaster is 100% correct about the ponies. That cat-witch lady was kind of freaky.

I'll be honest. I would probably rent the My Little Pony movie if they came out with a new one. Don't ask why. I just would.

Posted by: tt_marie at February 6, 2009 3:21 PM

Open A Cupboard And Grab Something At Random

I really don't think Hollywood's ready for a "Dildo and Miracle Bubbles" movie. French cinema, sure, but I'm not giving those surrender monkeys any ideas.

Posted by: Sabrina at February 6, 2009 3:29 PM

Oh... were we talking about board games? Scrabble. I meant Scrabble. I loooove playing with my Scrabble. Especially in the bath.

Posted by: Sabrina at February 6, 2009 3:34 PM

Ok, TK game one! I've got a mindblower for you all...

John, Bob, and Scott are all retired law enforcement agents. John and Scott are former MI6 agents and Bob is former NSA. All three are out for a drink one night, when a man is murdered right before their eyes. All of a sudden, John receives a phone call asking where "the package" is. Inside the dead man's jacket is a pack of...White Mailing Labels.

Nobody knows what's in the box. Is it a manifesto from a disgruntled Government employee? Or perhaps an expose so shocking it could shake the foundation of world peace to its knees? Or maybe it's...just a box of White Mailing Labels. From the corridors of the NSA to the halls of MI6, right up to the steps of the Capital building, this adventure will bring these old salts out for one last mission. Even if it kills them.

White Mailing Labels starring Ian McKellen, Morgan Freeman, and Michael Caine; Directed by Michael Bay (or Brett Ratner if Bay's too busy filming Megan Fox eating a doughnut.)

Posted by: Mike R. at February 6, 2009 3:48 PM

This all reminds me of the time I came up with Monopoly the Movie. (*cough* http://mrcontroversy.blogspot.com/2008/11/what-monopoly-movie-should-be.html *cough*)

Funny thing is...Busey and Chiklis were ready to commit, and Hopkins was going to but decided to pull out during pre-production. So I think I'm going to replace him with Christian Bale. It's basically the same role he played in American Psycho and Shaft, so it'd still work.

Posted by: Mike R. at February 6, 2009 3:57 PM

Stratego.

Or better yet, my dad had some kind of tank game that had something like 57 boards, each approximately 10 inches square. You were supposed to lay all of the boards out together, but he only put like 5 or so down at a time, because our house wasn't effin big enough for all of them at once. The whole game took roughly 4 months to play. One time through. I don't remember what the game was called, or even the object of the game. Just those damned boards.

Posted by: Nadha at February 6, 2009 4:47 PM

Milles Borne would be awesome if it were done completely over the top. Jason Statham as a disgraced French national who competes in a futuristic road rally across the Sahara. Costarring Morgan Freeman as the Eeeeevil corporate sponsor, Samuel L. "Get this motherfucking Renault over that motherfucking sand dune" Jackson as his navigator who turns tricks on the side, and the corpse of Orson Wells (propped up Man of La Mancha-style and voiced by Johnny Depp, Heath Ledger (using voice clips from Brokeback Mountain), or NPH) as "Diego", a strange wine enthusiast who actually controls the Zombie Raptors (who enter the picture about halfway through). Coup-Fourré THAT!

Posted by: longcoat000 at February 6, 2009 4:53 PM

"Look, just because it worked for Clue (yes, yes, I KNOW, Sarina. It's the bestesteverrrrr. Now shut your face hole), doesn't mean it's time to dig through every goddamn box in the closet."

Heh. I love you, TK. Now please hold very still while I drag this stepstool over so I can punch you in the face.

Posted by: Sarina at February 6, 2009 5:33 PM

Probably gonna need a phonebook AND the stool, Dimples.

Posted by: TK at February 6, 2009 6:57 PM

In an age when poker gets televised, are you really surprised? Shit, I keep waiting for Comcast to announce the HiDef Grass Growing channel, with weekend marathons of Watch That Paint Dry!.

If they did it in time laps like that crazy killer fungi on Planet Earth I would watch that all day. Either one. Every day. I wouldn't even need to be stoned to enjoy it.

Oh, and I'd like to put my vote in for Hungry, Hungry Hippos. It could be like Crank with Hippos. And marbles. And probably less sex in public.

Posted by: the other kafka at February 6, 2009 7:33 PM

Clue: The Great Museum Caper. Why has this not been made yet?

Erm . . . Monkeys' brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington D.C.! *spits a little at the end*

Posted by: Elfrieda at February 6, 2009 11:08 PM

Go Fish II: Electric Boogaloo.

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 7, 2009 1:42 AM

Hell, I rented My Little Pony: The Movie. A month ago. And watched it back to back with Batman Begins.

Yes, I will watch anything that Madeline Kahn touched.

Posted by: Gabs at February 7, 2009 9:51 AM

Good day! You can join "Sugarbaby" freely now! *** SUGARBABYDATE. C OM *** There are Over millions of profiles from all over the world! No matter where you are or what you are, you can find someone just around your neighborhood. You can get their pictures, phone numbers, locations, and almost any information.

Posted by: kelly at February 8, 2009 9:03 PM