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Can You Identify the Excrement in this Photo? No. Look Again. It's on the Left

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (38)

MeganFoxFriendsWithKids6.jpg

The above photo is your first look at the indie flick Friends with Kids, which is a lot like Friends with Benefits, only instead of benefits, the kids give you a lifetime of batshitter-y. It’s about a loving, doting father who wakes up one day to realize that he’s yelling at his kid, and the YELLING WON’T STOP and what happened, when did he become a guy that yells at his kid? And WHY WON’T THE GODDAMN KID PUT ON HIS LISTENING EARS ON FOR ONCE. CHRIST, JUST PUT AWAY YOUR F*CKING LACING BOARDS, HOW HARD IS THAT?

My bad. That’s not Friend with Kids. That was my morning.

Anyway, Friends with Kids comes from Jennifer Westfeldt, who some of you know as the writer of the phenomenal Kissing Jessica Stein and others know as the long-time (10 years?) girlfriend of Jon Hamm, and WHAT WOULD SHE KNOW ABOUT HAVING KIDS? SHE SLEEPS WITH JON HAMM AND APPEARS IN GAP ADS LOOKING ALL ADORABLE BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T HAVE A KID THAT WAKES UP THREE TIMES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT BECAUSE HE WANTS SOME F*CKING WATER AND EVEN THOUGH HIS DAD DRAGS HIS ASS OUT OF BED AND REFILLS HIS SIPPY CUP THAT KID STILL WON’T PUT AWAY HIS GODDAMN LACING BOARDS.

Where was I? Yes, Jon Hamm, Kristen Wiig, Adam Scott and Westfeldt star in the film about a group of adult friends in their 30s whose dynamic changes after two of them have a child. Megan Fox plays Adam Scott’s girlfriend, but not the mother of the child. That’s Westfeldt. Got it? Oh, who cares.

The movie will debut at the Toronto Film Festival next week, which I will not be attending this year BECAUSE I HAVE A KID WHO WON’T PUT AWAY HIS LACING BOARDS.









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Comments

What is a lacing board?

And no, I do not have kids.

Posted by: Nimue at August 9, 2011 9:22 AM

I had to google "lacing boards".

Posted by: westcott at August 9, 2011 9:23 AM

I love me some Westfeldt!

Though she was the writer of KJS, not the director. And tell your fucking kid to put his lacing boards away.

Also, WHAT THE FUCK IS A LACING BOARD?

Posted by: Sofia at August 9, 2011 9:23 AM

Now I want a frickin lacing board. Damn you Pajiba for your subtle sarcastic marketing ploys.

Posted by: cinekat at August 9, 2011 9:28 AM

Major problem: Kissing Jessica Stein was not phenomenal. It was another lame rom-com where the girl is worthless if she's not in a relationship and runs back to the obvious guy at the end.

Posted by: PaddyDog at August 9, 2011 9:31 AM

I think Kissing Jessica Stein was really good. And the girl was never worthless because she was single; she was trying to figure out why she couldn't connect to anyone until she met another girl that widened her horizons.

The tension with the guy she ends up with was always there, and she knew that the guy saw her for what she really was and knew her better than she would've liked to admit, as seen during the dinner scene with Hamm.

Posted by: Sofia at August 9, 2011 9:47 AM

Wait, what happened? There's a movie!

I don't know, one second my brain was reading 'lalalala this sounds stupid' then it read "Jon Hamm" and it just screeched "HAAAAAAAAM!" and then it kept reading through the screeching and saw "Adam Scott" and then my brain broke and I think I passed out for a second.

That's a lot to take in so early in the morning. HOT DAMN!

Posted by: figgy at August 9, 2011 10:00 AM

"Lacing board?" Anyone, anyone? Show of hands? Just Rowles then? OK.

I loved, loved Kissing Jessica Stein. The scene with her mom on the porch, the smoking in the stairwell, the whole thing. Is adorable.

HAAAAAAMMMMM (tm Figgy) is cute in KJS but he's no Don Draper. Aging has been good to him.

Oh, wait, this is about the Friends With Kids. Looks cute, harmless, probably "Oh, yay, I forgot all about that movie even though I liked it" fodder. I'll probably see it by myself on a bored afternoon.

Posted by: Shonda at August 9, 2011 10:13 AM

Dustin, just try some percussive maintenance on the kid. It works wonders. (Thanks Seakat)

Posted by: admin at August 9, 2011 10:16 AM

What the hell are lacing boards?

Had to Google them.

Good grief Rowles. In MY day, you learned to lace up your shoes by actually, you know, LACING UP YOUR SHOES. You didn't buy a board to practice on.

Now we did have those pieces of cardboard with holes in them that you learned to sew on using a tapestry needle and some embroidery floss, but I guess you don't give a child sharp pointy objects they could swallow nowadays.

Posted by: BWeaves at August 9, 2011 10:21 AM

"More Easier!!!!" Well, thank god.

Finding partners is difficult. This will be the much easiest way. Now I can be more happier.

Posted by: Shonda at August 9, 2011 10:27 AM

Never mind. Spambot has been deleted. Rats.

Posted by: Shonda at August 9, 2011 10:29 AM

Did you know that every other generation learns to tie their shoes backwards?

You are in your shoes, your shoe-lacing teacher sits opposite you and instructs you how to tie, while tying them the way they noramally would. You learn to tie the way they normally do, only it's backwards, and then when you grow up and become a shoe tying instructor, you tie them backwards only to have you're trainee tie them correctly.

Damn you Dustin, you broke the cycle!!

Posted by: kirbyjay at August 9, 2011 10:39 AM

I don't want to see Megan Fox, but I LOVE everyone else. You know what? I'm in. I love Scott/Hamm/Wiig more than I hate Fox.

Posted by: Sassafrass Green at August 9, 2011 10:57 AM

Oh, I have a question about the picture above, seeing as how it's right out of that other stupid movie: Do babies really do that? Projectile shitting? Is it just more Hollywood stupidity?

Posted by: figgy at August 9, 2011 10:58 AM

projectile shitting really happens...

Posted by: Greg at August 9, 2011 11:08 AM

Smearing their own shit on the wall, just to see how it looks, happens too.

Posted by: Cuca at August 9, 2011 11:13 AM

Why, no, figgy, they NEVER do things like that. Children are miniature models of decorum and civility and restraint. This is summed up by the saying, "There is only one perfect child and every mother has it." Because they're all little God-given angels. It is pure slander -- SLANDER! -- that the movie industry perpetuates the stereotype that kids projectile vomit and shit and screech nonstop for weeks at a time and and talk like Bruce Willis and call you from jail at 4 a.m.

Lies, all lies!

It's also sheer fiction that your child will not put away his/her lacing boards. Everybody knows kids' shoes all have Velcro straps. So that's another lie we're being fed by the Pajiba-Industrial Complex.

So put away your fears and concerns and ignore such nonsense and have a kid yourself. Better yet, have six or eight, preferably at the same time! Have 20 altogether! You'll never regret a second of it! Start working on one RIGHT NOW! And Mr. Figgy can thank me in the morning. Go on, get to it!

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(Heh-heh, I can't WAIT till figgy has a kid.)

Posted by: , at August 9, 2011 11:16 AM

Axl Rowles: The lacing board stays and the apple juice is cold, bitch.

Posted by: jM at August 9, 2011 11:25 AM

I've been looking forward to this movie forever - as a person with friends with kids, I'm hoping that it shows how us non-kid-having people have to suffer when all of our friends suddenly stop leaving their homes for about five years. The only places they go are to each others' back yards where yet another fucking bouncy castle sits, mocking me. I have been to the same barbeque seven times in the past two months. I love my friends' kids', but I hate my friends since they had kids. REALLY? You can't go out long enough to have dinner or see a goddam movie? Oh, another bbq that starts at 3 and ends at 8:30? Perfect! That's actually what I really wanted to do anyway.

Posted by: Nicole at August 9, 2011 11:49 AM

I knew that was Adam Scott from just the back of his head. And now I have to see this, regardless of the Fox. But because it has the Sexy Hedgehog.

Posted by: Lemon Poundcake at August 9, 2011 11:50 AM

@ Lemon Poundcake- Sexy Hedgehog! That's the best thing I've heard all day. I'm totally using that in conversation.

Posted by: Sassafrass Green at August 9, 2011 12:18 PM

WTF is a lacing board? I'm not Googling it, I don't care that much.

If it is (from what comments above suggest) something to teach your kid how to tie his shoes, don't we already have something that does that, called "shoes"?

Man, parents are suckers.

Posted by: Slash at August 9, 2011 12:52 PM

I love your rant, Nicole. I'm going to go make babies with it.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at August 9, 2011 12:57 PM

I love your rant, Nicole. I'm going to go make babies with it.

Fair warning that if you do, you're going to cause all your friends to suffer while you're stuck at home taking care of all your rant babies.

Posted by: branded at August 9, 2011 2:05 PM

Yeah, as someone without kids, my first thought was "What's a lacing board?" But I figured it out pretty quick.

Children projectile shit, vomit and all manner of things. Sometimes their parents (who are damn hippies) let them run around without diapers. Then, they pee on the high chair they're sitting in. Then they drop their food on the seat of the high chair. Then they pick it up out of the pee and eat it.

/true story

Posted by: MM at August 9, 2011 2:15 PM

kirbyjay: My mother sat beside me to show me how to tie my shoelaces, so I tie them exactly like she did, and her mother, etc. I don't know anyone who was taught by someone sitting in front of them. That's like trying to tie someone's tie from the front. You always do it from behind, like tying your own.

Posted by: BWeaves at August 9, 2011 2:20 PM

No, the excrement in on the right, this sample appears pale, bony, and has no soul...

Posted by: JJ at August 9, 2011 2:32 PM

I'm no fan of Megan Fox, or even of Megan Fox's ass, but that was just mean, Dustin.

You too, JJ.

Posted by: , at August 9, 2011 2:36 PM

I don't have kids, and I'm not really planning on having them, but if I do I'm definitely not giving them any lacing boards.

Whatever the hell those are.

Posted by: Lauren at August 9, 2011 2:38 PM

"I love my friends' kids', but I hate my friends since they had kids."

My approach was to say hi to the parents, and then hang out with the kids. The parents are all grown up and dull anyway - aren't any help with video games, etc.

Posted by: Pat C. at August 9, 2011 2:45 PM

Damn. I hate the fact that I thought that was Monica Bellucci on the right. I had to read the article and the comments to figure out it's not.

In all fairness, the picture has shit in it, so I wasn't studying it that hard.

Posted by: Kala at August 9, 2011 3:15 PM

Sometimes I wonder if I'm missing out on much when I immediately dismiss things with excrement jokes. I don't wonder long. It seems an unfair bias, but it is what it is.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at August 9, 2011 5:41 PM

What the fuck IS a lacing board?!

Posted by: Nadine at August 10, 2011 5:45 AM

What in the name of christ is a lacing board? I google imaged searched it and I still don't know.

Posted by: asdf at August 10, 2011 10:23 AM

"Lacing Board" - an educational "toy" that helps train the user's fine motor skills and dexterity. As in, "I'm sorry officer. I wouldn't have shot up the school like that, but my parents gave me lacing boards to play with as a youngster, and it sucked ALL THE FUN OUT OF LIFE. EVERYTHING MUST DIE!!!!"

Posted by: NateS1973 at August 10, 2011 2:43 PM

And I see there are also "zipper boards".
Didn't think that would be so difficult to learn.

Posted by: Pat C. at August 10, 2011 5:01 PM

I am visiting Hollins University very soon because I've researched all the aspects of the english/creative writing department and love it to death. But I am looking for a couple good safety schools with the same strenghts. Any ideas?.

Posted by: Mcdonalds Coupons Online at August 15, 2011 12:31 AM