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Can We Talk About Robin Thicke's Douchtache?

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | September 6, 2013 | Comments ()


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I am not overly familiar with Robin Thicke. I am not a huge follower of pop music because I cannot possibly keep up with all four quadrants of the pop-culture landscape. My contemporary musical knowledge essentially extends to the radio one station I occasionally listen to, which I assume is called the “Mumford and Sons” station because Mumford, and bands that sound like Mumford, are all that it plays. It does not, however, play Thicke’s song of the summer, “Blurred Lines,” but because a song like “Blurred Lines” has seeped so deeply into the cultural landscape, hearing it on occasion is unavoidable. It does not offend my ears.

Nevertheless, I = understand that there is some controversy surrounding the sexist lyrics to “Blurred Lines,” and though I am not a person who listen to lyrics, I can confirm their sexist nature because anytime my wife hears the song, the hairs on her arms stand on end, and she has the some kind of conniption fit in which the words degrading, disgusting, and offensive erupt from her mouth simultaneously, creating a sound not unlike Linda Blair’s in The Exorcist. All I hear when I listen to the song is a high-pitched male singing, “hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,” but I do not doubt that in between the “heys,” he is saying something that my wife is rightfully worked up about.

I also know that he is married to Paula Patton, which I know because I am very familiar with Paula Patton, because she belongs within the pop-culture quadrant I do follow. I don’t think that Robin Thicke deserves Paula Patton, but that is not necessarily a slight against Thicke. I would think the same of any man. Patton is gorgeous, and legitimately brilliant, having graduated from USC film school with honors, before beginning her career as a documentary producer. She fills me with joy.

All of this is really neither here nor there, however, because what I want to talk about is Thicke’s moustache.

I hate it.

Whatever feelings that the lyrics in his song provokes in my wife cannot possibly offend her as much as that sh*tty, wispy little moustache offends me. I don’t know if this makes me get-off-the-lawner, but I am of the opinion that there are three possibilities when it comes to facial hair. You can shave it, you can grow it, and you can trim your if it gets so unruly that you are mistaken for a hobo. Mustache sculpting is not acceptable.

This is what Robin Thicke’s moustache should look like.

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Do you see how his moustache fills in the entire space between his upper lip and his nose? That is how a moustache should look. It should not look like this:

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I suspect there is a lot of maintenance involved in keeping the area beneath the nose hair-free, and while I am certainly not bothered with how a man chooses to fill his time, I find that this particular effect places Robin Thicke somewhere on the douchebag spectrum beneath say, Joe Francis, but above those who would wear sailboats on their T-shirts. Perhaps this is irrational, but I find moustache-scaping to be a deep, personal character flaw, and I am therefore more susceptible to believing all of the vile, outrageous things that people have said about Thicke.

Because of the precision involved in keeping a moustache that pencil thin, I also suspect there are also often mistakes, which necessitates that Thicke must shave completely and start all over.

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Alas, there are no sunglasses large enough to cover one’s lack of facial hair. Only time and patience can bring it back.

Here’s the thing, gentlemen. Before you decide to Bonsai Tree your moustaches, ask yourself three simple questions.

1. Am I Clark Gable?

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2. Am I John Waters?

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3. Am I Prince?

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If the answer to any of the above questions is no, then you mustn’t attempt to sculpt your moustaches. You should liberate your facial hair. Let it run its natural course. Don’t take away it’s power! Let it be, man. Let that hair caterpillar above your lip be fat, healthy, and happy. No one wants to see a sickly, unbecoming skinny caterpillar adoring their lips. Paula Patton deserves better than that.







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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Jennifer Louise Griffin

    This article made me bookmark this site. Hilarious!

  • TheEmpress

    What about "Am I Raul Julia?" Because Gomez Addams ain't no douche.

  • The carefully planned out combination of "I'm gonna spend 5 hours and three jars of product on my hair but leave my beard looking like a bird pecked at it so it won't look like I'm trying to hard" is offensively douchy to me.

    I haven't even heard that damned song, but his face just screams out douuuuuche.

  • St

    There is just something disgusting about Robin Thicke. Man looks good in suit. You can’t take it away.But there is just something off about him. And after that performance with Tongue Curys and then that picture he’ll always look like pervert. But I don’t think we would have to stand him for much longer. He looks like he is one-hit-wonder. I tried to listened to his new album. There was not a single interesting song. They were all bad.

    Unless he will do some collaboration with some rappers and produce another hit - I don’t think we will see or hear much about him in future. He will vanish as soon as his song will vanish from charts.

  • Bless you for mentioning old Robin Thicke. I came here just to post that picture.

  • Truth.

  • Salieri2

    I found the following very handy for wiping off the emotional skid marks of "Blurred Lines." May it be so for you.

    http://whatrhymeswithhug.me/

  • Sars

    oh yes " Are you trying to drug me?" / "Your mom is chubby"-- Id add "you are so fugly"- the only thing hug me doesnt rhyme with is "fuck me"

  • bastich

    All I remember from the video is "#THICKE".
    I don't even use Twitter, gawdemmit.
    Fuck this guy, and the douchestache he rode in on.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Are you Zorro?

  • TheAggroCraig

    He's sporting what my friends and I used to call a "crustache". I'm not sure why, but it fits.

  • emmalita

    It looks like you've got a crust of something above your upper lip.

  • TheAggroCraig

    I'll take it!

  • John W

    Now I'm curious what are the four quadrants of the pop culture landscape?

    1 -The Movies, Television, Literature and Music Quadrant - this is for all the normal news regarding such stuff that Pajiba normally covers

    2 -The Lindsay Lohan Quadrant - All the celebrities who scream flame on and then to proceed to self destruct in the most flamboyant way possible

    3-The Paris Hilton Quadrant - all the celebrities with no discernible talent who are famous just for being famous, may soon be renamed the Kim Kardashian Quadrant

    4-The Russell Brand Quadrant - all the celebrities who are just plain annoying

  • BWeaves

    I wish I had a pencil thin mustache
    The Boston Blackie kind
    A two toned Ricky Ricardo jacket
    And an autographed picture of Andy Devine

    I remember bein buck-toothed and skinny
    Writin fan letters to Sky King and Penny
    Oh I wish I had a pencil thin mustache
    Then I could solve some mysteries too

  • DeusExMachine

    Can we talk about Robin Thicke's Doucheverything?

  • Al Borland's Beard

    My biggest problem here is why he has a pair of feet so close to his mouth.

  • Sars

    I know. So gross. I can almost SMELL* the feet from staring at my monitor. guh

  • Another Jen

    Yup.

  • $27019454

    ghhuuh.

  • Skyler Durden

    WERK.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    That's not even a moustache. That's dirt on his face.

  • Anne At Large

    You have covered all my pencil-thin exceptions but one: Django Reinhardt. And I vaguely remember reading an interview with John Waters where he credits the 'stache to Maybelline eye pencil. For which practicality I salute him.

  • Ok, so really we need to just add, "Is it the 1920s or 1930s?"

  • Anne At Large

    A fair point. So the only current exceptions are really John Waters and the tiny purple funky one.

  • Kris

    What do you do when a non-douche has douchey facial hair? Is there some gentle way to have an intervention? (Let's say for the sake of argument that you're not free to simply say "Dude, you look like a tool, just shave that shit off.")

  • emmalita

    See if you can find any pictures of a known douche with similar facial hair and then point out the resemblance. "Dude, I just realized how much you look like ____. Wow must be the (insert douchy facial hair here)."

  • For this you must rely on the "Oh dear! I accidentally shaved your lip while you were sleeping" defense.

  • alannaofdoom

    "I'm going to turn on this electric razor, and close my eyes, and start walking toward you, and if I accidentally shave your terrible facial hair, whoops!"

  • Kris

    That.... would probably get me sent to the dean's office. I'm still considering it, though.

  • I solve the problem by going full mountain man with my facial hair. It's not quite a 'Duck Dynasty' level beard, but it's getting there.

  • $27019454

    He looks like he smells really really bad.

  • katy

    It's not the mustache that gets me, it's these:

    1. He's Alan Thicke's son. As soon as he stopped being Jason Seaver his sheen wore off and he became pure skeeve. In my mind he is always the pervy guy on Robin Sparkles' kid show Space Teens.

    2. His mother is Gloria Loring, and as usual, I now have her awful 80s song 'Friends and Lovers' going through my head. Barf.

    3. Sorry for any offense here, but I can't handle men named Robin. No.

    4. The rest of his music, regardless of the lyrics.

    Otherwise...hey hey hey...hey hey hey...hey hey hey. What do you know, I'm shaking my butt and have a smile on my face!

  • Ruby

    Alan Thicke's fake son went crazy religious and his real son is guy I wouldn't leave my drink alone next to at a party.

  • Seany D

    Disclaimer: I am indifferent towards songs like "Blurred Lines" and I do not particularly like Robin Thicke from the very little I know about him.

    But: the "controversy" surrounding this is a steaming pile of pearl-clutching horseshit.

    Pop music is sexist? Get the fuck out of here!

    Can someone please illustrate how this song is in any way different from any other overtly sexual pop song sung by a male artist in the last 20 years? Do these faux-angry, faux-offended people even remember that Prince is a person who exists?

    Why in the fuck do we care so much about this particular song? It simultaneously blows my mind and makes me very sad.

  • Wilma

    I can only tell you why this song upsets me in ways that other songs don't. My little sister just turned 18, came out, couple of weeks later she was raped by someone on the streets while other people were watching. The rapist has not been caught so far. When I first heard Blurred lines I exploded with anger. 'I know you want it'. I hoped my sister would never hear it, she doesn't listen to pop music. But it became so popular and now it's everywhere. She did hear it, it triggered her like crazy. She had her first episode of flashbacks. That was a bad day. She tried to kill herself. Every time I hear this song I just want to punch somebody. Fuck you Robin Thicke.

  • BWeaves

    Have you seen the video?

    I was almost fine with the sexist lyrics and the earwormy tune until I saw the video. It's just naked women in flesh colored thongs dancing badly around fully clothed Thicke and whoever that other guy is. It's pretty disgusting and really doesn't go with the lyrics.

  • Jezzer

    Don't worry. I'm sure something else will happen in the next month or so to set off the Pajiban Pearl-Clutching, and the Robin Thicke Controversy will be gone like so much smoke.

  • Seany D

    Welp, I wish you were right, but Pearl-Clutchers Inc. are still in overdrive about the Miley Cyrus VMAs thing and we're all still sitting here talking about this very mediocre pop song.

    I would imagine it's exhausting to feign so much outrage.

  • neonseattle

    The term "blurred lines" when talking about sex is hinting at dubious consent. Which makes the "I know you want it" lyric skeevy. And the violent way of talking about sex ("I'll give you something big enough to tear your ass in two", etc). In the very least, it is a song with a degrading edge to it.

    The video is also part of the controversy. He gave an interview about and said, "What a pleasure it is to degrade a woman" like it was playful or funny. He's gross.

  • minxy

    The reason I hate that song is because the tune is so damned catchy. It's actually something I would love to listen to. Then the lyrics come in, and they get so irritating and insulting that I have to shut it off. I think it's the fact that it's an earworm, it's everywhere and for a split second I think I like the song that it makes me hate it so much. A lot of other pop music that's super-duper sexist is much easier to avoid.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Don't underestimate the sociocultural uses of non-ironically sculpted facial hair. It allows us to instantly recognise and avoid potential di*kheads in the wild.

  • Jezzer

    "Don't underestimate the sociocultural uses of non-ironically sculpted facial hair. It allows us to instantly recognise and avoid potential di*kheads in the wild."

    To be fair, so does the ironically sculpted facial hair.

  • AvaLehra

    ..

  • That beard shoulda won a goddamn Oscar.

  • Anne At Large

    WHAT IS THAT

  • AvaLehra

    Wes Bentley and his wonderful sidekick -- that facial hair -- as Seneca Crane in The Hunger Games.

  • alannaofdoom

    One of my college friends was briefly dating a guy who rocked ("rocked") the chinstrap. There was universal consensus that his facial hair was terrible, and we spent many lunches discussing how long she would need to date him before she could pull him aside and tell him to shave that effer off for the love of all that is holy. And then they broke up. Problem solved!

  • emmalita

    In general, soul patch = douche.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Brother Julien has this absolutely awful beard thing going on. It's a moustache free kind of billy goat beard crossed with a landing strip. I understand he is doing it to be a little funky, I have a nose piercing for the same reason, but it is hideously unflattering. I keep hoping his partner will step in and tell him it's awful. She is our only hope.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    my brother had a chin patch only for his wedding. I just thought: hey, everyone has something they look back on their wedding pix and cringe about.

  • emmalita

    I had a boyfriend in college try that look. It was very unfortunate as he already had a long thin face. I did not feel I was in a position to comment at that time. One of his female friends started making goat noises when ever he walked into the room. Last I heard, they were very happily co-habitating.

  • Siege

    He and the female friend, or he and the goat beard?

  • emmalita

    Female friend. He shaved off the goat beard and dumped me for her. I promise I am not bitter.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Brother Julien's boss made goat noises a couple of times. He was deeply offended. I'm surprised I didn't bite my tongue in half from the self-control I was forced to exhibit while he was telling me.

  • emmalita

    Just imagine, if history is any indicator, Brother Julien will soon be living with his boss.

  • Dumily

    Am I becoming the Dread Pirate Roberts?

  • Mrs. Julien

    4. Am I Errol Flynn?

  • F'mal DeHyde

    Unfortunately, he WAS a douche.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Point taken.

    Subject: Re: New comment posted on Can We Take a Minute and Talk About Robin Thicke's Douchtache?

  • sanity fair

    Dah-YUM!

  • Wigamer

    Damn, woman. DAMN.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Spectacular, I know.

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    A thousand blessings to you for that photo.

    Also:
    5. Am I William Powell? Or Asta?

  • Mrs. Julien

    I forgot William Powell! This is all the ammunition Mswas needs to justify taking him away from me as "Designated Secret Husband".

  • Leigh

    OMG I was gonna post, "Wait, he forgot about Errol Flynn and William Powell." But OF COURSE all you pajibans were thinking what I was thinking. I love you people.

  • e jerry powell

    I'm Asta!

  • Mrs. Julien

    What's that? You'd never seen a picture of Errol Flynn where he wasn't wearing a ridiculous costume? You're welcome!

  • llp

    I could stand to see some more Errol Flynn without a costume.

  • Bert_McGurt

    I'm sort of surprised by the resemblance to young Cary Elwes below. Except for the cleft, of course.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I was thinking Aaron Eckhardt.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I daresay that was the point.

  • Stephanie

    Little Richard co-owns the Tiny Stache along with John Waters.

  • Abby
  • NateMan

    Do they have to trade off weekends like divorced parents? Who feeds it?

  • Mrs. Julien

    It lives on the crazy.

  • simplysarah

    I managed to avoid listening to Blurred Lines up until last weekend. I'm not sorry to say, I like the song. Maybe the words aren't the best but damn if it isn't a catchy tune.

    I do not, however, like that mustache.

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