May 22, 2008 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | May 22, 2008 |


Many of you probably won’t understand this, but believe it or not there are people in this world — probably more than a few who even read this site — who actually enjoyed Highlander, a 1986 fantasy-action shitfest starring Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery in a role only surpassed by his part in The Avengers for levels of sheer stupidity (Zardoz, thanks to the bold choice of thigh-high boots, a speedo, and a ponytail, gets a free pass for life on the moron meter). To put it kindly, those who have inexplicably made Highlander not only a cult classic, but the source of four sequels and a television series, are season-pass holders on the dumbass train, last stop Idiotsville. Granted, most of those who admit to liking Highlander are lying out of some weird, misguided loyalty to the cult cinema and the irrational compulsion to fit in with others who wear backwards caps and grow beards to hide their weak chins, but there are a few — mostly those who can’t tell the difference between their own ass and the hole in their ear — who genuinely enjoy the film. And it is thanks to those fuck stains that Hollywood has decided to do the one thing they’d hate the most: Remake Highlander. And you know what: I, for one, applaud the decision — anything that tarnishes the cachet attached to Highlander is OK in my book. Of course, the studio system will first lull those Highlander deep throaters into a false sense of hope, hiring the scribes behind Iron Man to pen the script. Art Marcum and Matt Holloway have been paid gobs of cash to “expand” upon the original premise, which saw one Immortal being mentored by another Immortal to fight for the creatively titled “Prize,” — i.e., the power to rule the Earth forever (a power currently held by the tubby guy in Rascal Flats, FYI). No one has yet been cast, but if I got my wish, Dan Fogler would be hired to play Connor MacLeod, while Patrick (“You’re My Boy, Blue!”) Cranshaw would be pulled out of his casket to play Ramirez, thus ensuring that the remake will be almost as appallingly awful as the original.

In other news, the once Golden Boy of Awesomeness, Christian Bale, has seemingly allowed his franchise whoredom to cloud his judgment — not content to resurrect The Bat Man, Mr. Bale has now not only seen fit to reboot the Terminator franchise, but he’s already signed on through Terminator 6 — that’s a handful of fingers plus a thumb, which Bale can respectfully shove up his ass for selling out to McG and depriving us of his talents outside of his roles as John Connor and Bruce Wayne for the next motherfucking decade, which should give most of you enough time to finally watch The Machinist, you ingrates. And yes, I blame you all for fawning all over Bateman’s Batman — if you’d pissed on it, just a little, maybe he’d be doing another Werner Herzog film instead. Assholes.

… and speaking of Werner Herzog, last week Dan told you that Herzog was remaking Bad Lieutenant, which was enough to have many of you weeping in your Cheerios, until you learned that it’d star Nic Cage, at which point the men (and the less genteel ladyfolk) whipped it out and pissed in your Oat circles. Well, cheer up: Now Mr. Herzog is teaming up with the Wiccan of Weird™, David Lynch, for a murder drama called My Son. Inspired by a true story, the movie concerns a man who acts out a Sophocles play in his mind and then kills his brother with a sword — so, you know: Typical David Lynch fare. The film will be shot guerilla style with digital video, after which I’m sure that one of the two directors will playfully murder the other and film it all for the archives.

You want more — suck this: Jack Black reportedly will don another fat suit and reprise his role as Dewey Finn in a sequel to School of Rock 2, which already has a script, which probably wasn’t written by Mike White, and which probably will not be directed by Richard Linklater, because then it might be decent, and nobody wants to see a decent fucking movie (see, e.g., The Highlander). Eat a dick.

In other news that nobody could actually give a damn about, Jake Gyllenhaal, the prettier but less attractive Gyllenhaal sibling, has signed on to play the Prince of Persia in the upcoming adaptation of the Ubisoft series, which starts with the first installment, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, to be directed by Mike Newell. Gyllenhaal will play Dastan, a 6th century Persian prince who joins up with princess Tamina (Gemma Arterton) to stop an evil nobleman from getting a hold of the mystical Sands of Time (whoosh). And, if that means anything to you, you probably need to leave your house a little more often. For the rest of you, I understand if you stare into Jake’s deep blue eyes long enough, you’ll grow an extra genital. Something to look forward to.

Finally, Amy Adams and Mark Ruffalo have signed on to Greenburg, a comedy-drama written and to be directed by Noah Baumbach, which likely means it will entail all manner of dysfunction and you will leave the theater glad to have seven fingers, you lucky bastard.

There are three trailers today, because I’m feeling generous. Only one of them is decent, however, because you don’t deserve better. The first is for Quid Pro Quo, which kind of looks like a Heather Mills biopic, if it were directed by David Lynch’s idiot cousin:

The second, the decent one, is the Redband trailer for Tropic Thunder. Redband means it’s not safe for work because of foul language, which suggests that you should probably quit your lousy job to see the scenes featuring Robert Downey, Jr. Pay close attention: Ben Stiller plays a Highlander fan in the first 30 seconds of the trailer:

Finally, here’s the trailer for American Summer because fuck you:

And if there’s not enough in today’s round-up to chat about, here’s an idea: Why don’t you find a sidebar ad to take issue with and then kindly jump up my ass.

zardozd.jpg

Bringing Bitchy Back

The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | May 22, 2008 | Comments ()



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