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Brett Ratner to Continue Sucking In New and Inventive Ways
Live at 11 / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | September 19, 2008 | Comments (27)

421590486.jpgAt some point, weeks or months ago (when it comes to remakes, the days just blur together now), we mentioned that Lionsgate was kicking the Conan the Barbarian franchise back into gear, because the story of a boy who grows into a man and seeks revenge against those who killed his parents hasn’t been told enough. And really, with today’s current economic climate, what we need now is more sorcery!

Anyway, the point is — though it’s still in the rumor phase — it looks like Bret Ratner may very well end up directing the $100 million movie, though I suspect if he were hired, he’d bring in a helper monkey to direct while he blew most of the budget on hookers and blow. Nobody could tell the difference.

But you know what: You gotta respect a director who has learned from his mistakes. Brett Ratner will not come into a perfectly acceptable franchise and ruin it after the second movie, as he did with X-Men: The Last Stand. Ratner wants to ruin things from the beginning. And, in a way, it’s better for all of us, lest we get invested in the new Conan (I’m hoping for Emo Conan! Get Tobey Maguire. Fingers crossed!), only to have him tainted by that vile Ratnerese three movies in. Now, we know from the beginning not to watch.

Seriously, though: You get The Rock to play Conan, I don’t give a shit who directs. I’m there.


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Comments

This must be a dude piece.

Posted by: Cindy at September 19, 2008 10:06 AM

I got your dude piece right here.

Posted by: firedmyass at September 19, 2008 10:09 AM

I can only respond to this using the words of Thulsa Doom:

"What is steel compared to the hand that wields it? Look at the strength in your body, the desire in your heart... I gave you this! Such a waste! Contemplate this on the tree of woe. CRUCIFY HIM!"

I'll get the lumber. Someone else get the nails.

Posted by: TK at September 19, 2008 10:18 AM

I got your lumber right here.

Posted by: firedmyass at September 19, 2008 10:47 AM

Great news! I can't remember how long I've been waiting for a movie exploring the differences between black people and Hyborian barbarians. Do you understand the roars of berserk rage that are coming out of my mouf!?

Posted by: James at September 19, 2008 11:03 AM

I got your...


Dammit! Work with me, people!

Posted by: firedmyass at September 19, 2008 11:07 AM

For real, Dustin, I love The Rock.

They should get Kevin Sorbo to be Conan. Then maybe people will think it's Hercules and they'll go. Or maybe fewer people will go...shit.

Apparently someone at IMDb thinks ScarJo will be Conan. ...I mean, I guess...

Posted by: Kash at September 19, 2008 11:24 AM

Anyone that wants to help fund my next movie project would be appreciated. It's a biopic of Mr. Ratner starring Jonah Hill as "Young Rat."

Oh, it's a musical.

Posted by: Kevin Longrie at September 19, 2008 11:29 AM

That's the guy who made X-Men 3? Let me eat his face and twist his eyeballs in their sockets, please.

Posted by: Lucas at September 19, 2008 11:34 AM

Sometimes my roommates and I sit around, get drunk, and play a game called "the most embarrassing person I would hypothetically sleep with". Brett Ratner tops my list every time. He has everything I require - he's chubby, got a jew fro, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to hold off crying tears of self-loathing while having sex.

Posted by: Marra at September 19, 2008 11:41 AM

IMDB says that Djimon Hounsou has been signed to be Thulsa Doom. Come on, they're missing out on letting somebody really ham it up. Can you imagine Sam Jackson as Thulsa Doom? "Say contemplate this motherfucker".

Or Morgan Freeman, the wise old sage crucifying people on the tree of woe. Can't you just hear his world weary wisdom quietly and regretfully describing the massacre of innocents?

Fuck it, it's Ratner, he'd probably have no problem just digging up Bernie Mac's moist corpse and plopping it down on a futon. They can just fix it in CGI. Thulsa's supposed to be an undead sorcerer, right? It's perfect!

Posted by: stipe42 at September 19, 2008 11:42 AM

firedmyass, what's wrong with, "I got your Hyborian barbarian right here"?

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 19, 2008 11:52 AM

I think the perfect candidate for the new Conan would be Heath Ledger. I mean think about it, he's got the golden locks. He's got some kind of accent. And I mean just look at his wonderful performance in 'The Dark Knight.' He would bring an incredible amount of...oh god...oh god he's dead...

Posted by: mark at September 19, 2008 11:53 AM

Morgan Freeman would make an EXCELLENT Thulsa Doom.

Djimon Hounsou just doesn't quite have the menace for it.

Why the fuck are they remaking this anyway?

Posted by: twig at September 19, 2008 12:16 PM

If you search for "Conan" on imdb, the first result is Alyssa Milano, and it says that's her nickname. I don't know if that's hot, disturbing, or both.

Posted by: stipe42 at September 19, 2008 1:00 PM

So, it's not O'Brien? Fuck it. I need more NyQuil.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 19, 2008 1:11 PM

CONAN, WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE?!

Sorry, I love the original WAY more than I should. If Boo were here, we'd eat up this entire comment section just quoting the movie.

This news continues to sadden me.

Posted by: TK at September 19, 2008 1:40 PM

My husband has a Conan obsession. It happened to be on the other day, so of course we had to watch it - for about twenty minutes I was CERTAIN Rob Schneider was in the movie.

Obviously it wasn't him, but the TV went off after that.

Posted by: TO at September 19, 2008 2:09 PM

Anna,

I considered that, but it seemed insufficiently juvenile. Plus, too difficult to say when drunk.

Posted by: firedmyass at September 19, 2008 3:14 PM

Point taken.

I also considered, "I got your berserk rage right here," but it's not really sexual in nature, which seemed to be the theme; however, it is kind of fun to say. (Not as much fun for the people at my office, who are all, "Huh?")

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 19, 2008 3:20 PM

I considered that, but it seemed insufficiently juvenile. Plus, too difficult to say when drunk.

firedmyass, i was thinking more "I got something coming out of your mouf right here..."

Posted by: jamiepants at September 19, 2008 3:26 PM

I just have to throw out there that Thulsa Doom is not even a Conan character, except in the movies. And as I recall, there was never any mention of Conan's parents or what happened to them in the original stories. I'm pretty sure Conan was the only Cimmerian even mentioned by Robert E. Howard.

Posted by: Todd at September 19, 2008 3:38 PM

Set your course for the Hoth System. General Veers, prepare your men.

Posted by: Lucas at September 19, 2008 5:11 PM

I got your Hoth System right here.

Posted by: firedmyass at September 19, 2008 5:56 PM

Heh heh. You said "tainted." Heh heh.

Posted by: Elfrieda at September 19, 2008 6:17 PM

No, not The Rock. Just get Christian Bale. He seems to be starring in every other major franchise lately (Batman, Terminator, Robin Hood).

Posted by: ChristianH at September 20, 2008 2:57 PM

EWwwww Brett Ratner looks like a greasy douchey doode! He ruins movies more than Paul Haggis, Uwe Boll and Michael Bay put together. And writing all these shitty directors' names in two sentences invoking the coming of the apocalypse (aside from the side bar issue going on here, that's probably just an added bonus to this week from hell!)...

Posted by: ph at September 20, 2008 5:51 PM