Brett Ratner Not Directing Conan

At Last, Good Movie News! No, Really!

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (31)

It’s so rare that I get to deliver good news, I almost don’t know how to go about doing it. But this is definitely good news. It’s about the still-in-development Conan picture (the Barbarian, not the late night host). Now, most people know that I loves me some Conan. Not just John Milius’s 1982 work of staggering genius, Conan The Barbarian, but I also love the old Robert E. Howard stories, the Robert Jordan stuff, the glorious Frazetta artwork, and even some of the comic books have been pretty damn good. Between myself and the lovely Boo, we’re damn close to a Conan cult.

Well, my fears that this project would be a complete crapass fuckpile are, at least temporarily, assuaged. Not because of who’s involved, but who’s not involved. Because it’s been confirmed that, due to scheduling conflicts, Douchemaggot Supreme Brett Ratner will not be directing it. I know that doesn’t seem like a big deal, but trust me — for diehard Conan fans, it’s cause for a goddamn celebration.

News like this reminds me of what is best in life.

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Comments

Amen!

Posted by: me at May 8, 2009 9:44 AM

Looks like his political visions were taking shape even then.

Posted by: Kballs at May 8, 2009 9:47 AM

I will quote Terry Pratchett's brilliant satire of the scene:

Q:What is best in life?

A: Hot water, soft toilet paper and good dentistry

Posted by: thaf at May 8, 2009 9:50 AM

Very underappreciated movie. I am always torn if I prefer Barbarian to Destroyer? I mean Wilt Chamberlain or James Earl Jones as villains, awesome.

Posted by: "luker" the barbarian at May 8, 2009 9:54 AM

Thaf: Great quote! Which terry pratchett was that from?

Posted by: "luker" the barbarian at May 8, 2009 9:55 AM

FUCK YES.

Things are looking better all the time.

Posted by: boo at May 8, 2009 9:55 AM

luker: The Barbarian. Every time. Hands down.

JEJ DOESN'T BLINK ONCE. Now THAT is a man made to be a villan. I wish I could inspire people to follow me until their untimely death.

le sigh.

Posted by: boo at May 8, 2009 9:57 AM

I love that the best possible movie news is that things are not happening.

Posted by: twig at May 8, 2009 9:59 AM

Well, my dad will be happy! He could happily join your cult of Conan love.

No, really, one of my clearest childhood movie memories is having him sit my two brothers and I in front of the television and forcing us to watch that scene with the soup with the human hands. And that scene where James Earl Jones turns into a snake?

I don't remember it quite clearly, but I know that I couldn't eat soup for years and that my dad might just have been a little bit twisted. Trauma for years, I tell you.

Posted by: figgy at May 8, 2009 9:59 AM

Where is the sign up sheet for the cult? Will you be having a membership drive?

I'm so happy right now I would even do Grace Jones.

Posted by: admin at May 8, 2009 10:08 AM

So the Day of Doom isn't here?

I'll take measured optimism. The yin to this news is that Ratner's conflicting project is rumored to be a heist film starring Eddie Murphy, Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock and Chris Tucker.

Posted by: branded at May 8, 2009 10:10 AM

That's some very good news. Ratner already killed the "X-Men" franchise, we can't have him doing the same to Conan.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at May 8, 2009 10:12 AM

Figgy, your dad and my dad likely have similar child-rearing techniques. Or at least, I will if/when I have 'em.

Also, Destroyer never happened. IT NEVER HAPPENED. If anything, I will accept that it is a parody of a Conan flick. But it should never even enter a serious Conan discussion.

Posted by: TK at May 8, 2009 10:13 AM

So no "Conan - The Last Stand"?

Maybe an Angels walked through Hollywood.

Good news indeed!

And you can keep Grace Jones..

Posted by: Magiel at May 8, 2009 10:19 AM

I'm just young enough that I saw Destroyer before Barbarian. My baby-sitter took my younger brother and I to see Destroyer in the theater. I ate that shit up. still hold a special place in my heart for it.

But, we did see Barbarian on video and i think my unsuspecting parents shit a brick when they saw it had a rather randy sex seen in it. But, that's how Conan rolls, ya'll.

Barbarian is greatness.

Posted by: gunnertec at May 8, 2009 10:35 AM

GASP! No shit talking of Miss Jones, if you please.

She is my god. My god is an awesome god.

Posted by: boo at May 8, 2009 10:55 AM

GASP! No shit talking of Miss Jones, if you please.

Seriously. I just woke up and people are making my crazy eye twitch already. Do they really need to remake this at all? How the fuck do you compete with James Earl Jones? Why would you try?

The yin to this news is that Ratner's conflicting project is rumored to be a heist film starring Eddie Murphy, Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock and Chris Tucker.

I quit life.

Posted by: jM at May 8, 2009 11:04 AM

Yay! Do not mess with my Barbarian...

I threw a Barbarian Party in college. My friends all wore their savage best, strong ale was drunk and Conan played on a loop behind our bar. Then we raided the Madonna Party next door and confused the hell out of all the people partying in spandex to the the Immaculate Collection.

Posted by: RhymesWithSilver at May 8, 2009 11:35 AM

I've always wanted to start a band called "The Lamentations of the Women", but I was always foiled by not being able to sing, dance or play instruments of any kind.

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at May 8, 2009 11:36 AM

I have been running my own solo Conan cult for years now. I even bought the soundtrack.

Trust me, I am estatic that Ratner won't touch this franchise but I am still deathly afraid of what they will do to our favorite Cimmerian. First of all, who the fuck can fill Arnold's shoes in this role? Any suggestions?

The best thing about Destroyer was that its awfulness had very little impact on my love of the character or the original movie. Maybe that is good news considering the imminent reboot.

Posted by: Handel at May 8, 2009 12:52 PM

The Rock will be Conan. You know it's coming, you might as well prepare for it.

Posted by: Tammy at May 8, 2009 1:01 PM

T.K.!!!! Boo!!!!! Is it true? Is it really over? Can I go outside now? NO MORE BRETT RATNER!!!!!!!

...I'm dancing a fuckin jig in the middle of Rodney Square....

Posted by: PissBoy at May 8, 2009 2:10 PM

To quote Ms. Kahn, PissBoy: Oh, it's twue, it's twue.

'tis a grand day indeed.

Posted by: TK at May 8, 2009 2:12 PM

Luker: That quote is either from "The Colour of Magic", "The Light Fantastic" or "Interesting Times".

Posted by: FabMaxMax at May 8, 2009 2:15 PM

I actually picked the second half of my name after Conan.

Why the Destroyer hate TK? Equally bad fighting, + magical effects, and the princess was way hotter than the chick in barbarian.

Posted by: "luker" the barbarian at May 8, 2009 2:16 PM

That is good news!
Even though Conan isn't my oevre of choice, I may have to see it because I went to college with the screenwriter--he threw fun dorm "hall parties" with lots of blue curacao...

I hope it's not a crapass fuckpile for his sake!

Posted by: Courtney at May 8, 2009 2:16 PM

Why the fuck was there an additional Max in my nickname?

Posted by: FabMax at May 8, 2009 2:17 PM

Will they also be doing another Red Sonja? Never mess with a woman sporting a mullet and a big sword.

Posted by: Inaras at May 8, 2009 5:11 PM

HAHAHAHAH "Crapass fuckpile."

*tear* hahahaha...

Posted by: Bequafina at May 8, 2009 11:39 PM

YES, that IS good in life!

Though I'm a little worried that they didn't find a way to dig John Milius out of mothballs to write the script, he really was a one-of-a-kind mad genius when it came to writing manly, hemingway-esque characters and dialogue (apocalypse now, jeremiah johnson, conan, red dawn, etc).

Posted by: Soylent Green is Sheeple at May 9, 2009 1:13 AM

Fuck. Yea.

Posted by: jack at May 9, 2009 5:56 AM

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