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Brett Ratner Might Destroy The Universe

Blame It On The Rain / TK

Trade News | April 22, 2009 | Comments (36)

Part of this is true, part of it is pure speculation.

All of it is hilarious.

First: Someone wrote a screenplay about Milli Vanilli. That is, in and of itself, completely shitballs stupid. For those who are too young to remember the Milli Vanilli saga — ah, fuck it. You’re better off not knowing. In fact, quit reading this and go read one of the reviews or something.

For those who were unfortunate enough to live through it, yes, since 2007 a screenplay about “one producer and two lip-syncing male models who sold millions of records and won a Grammy before their scam was revealed” has been bouncing around Hollywood, like a retarded hobo trying to get enough change for a bottle of redemption. That bottle is empty, my friend. Always was, always will be.

Anyway, the speculation part. A couple of websites that I don’t really know that well (translation: don’t trust ‘em as far as you can toss ‘em) are reporting that jackass hack (jackhack? assjack? hackass?) extraordinaire Brett Ratner is in talks to direct. (H/T to /Film for gathering all of that unfortunateness together)

This… this fills me with glee. If it’s true, it means that Ratner has finally found a project worthy of his name. After all, a movie about two idiots pretending to be pop stars by faking their talent deserves a moron pretending to be a director by… well, you get where that joke is going.

Yes, I’m still bitter over X3, fuck you very much.

Anyway, for your enjoyment:

Milli Vanilli actually won a Grammy for this crap. In the darker, hateful part of my brain, there’s a weird fantasy/nightmare where Ratner wins an Oscar for this pic, thereby destroying any semblance of balance in the universe.

(props once again to Lizzieborden for the assist on this post)


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Comments

I'm going to have to go with assjack.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at April 22, 2009 10:20 AM

I really didn't want to sing Milli Vanilli today. I really didn't.

Posted by: Julie at April 22, 2009 10:21 AM

Whoah. That was surreal, for a second there I got confused in the old brain and thought, for some horrible reason,that Rattner directed Watchmen so was wondering why all the hatred, and then that maybe this could be an okay flick if he handled it like he did Watchmen.
Then my brain woke up and slapped me in the face.
Hey!! This might be completely hilarious!!! I mean...you know....if you get SUPER HIGH before you go. And suffer a brain injury!! Dude they danced in CYCLING SHORTS, it doesn't get funnier than that

Posted by: Nadine at April 22, 2009 10:25 AM

You weren't kidding, TK. Shitballs stupid, indeed.

I've still got that god-awful song stuck in my head. By far the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

Posted by: lizzieborden at April 22, 2009 10:33 AM

I think I like hackass better.

Nadine, it was the 80s. A lot of us danced in cycling shorts. It was the style at the time...

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at April 22, 2009 10:42 AM

This is spectacularly bad yet hilarious news. What's next? An Adam Shankman directed movie about Men Without Hats?

I really didn't want to sing Milli Vanilli today. I really didn't.

Whatever you do. Don't put the blame on TK. Blame it on the rain.

Posted by: branded at April 22, 2009 10:50 AM

That's their best song! You're really defeating your otherwise worthwhile point here.

Posted by: Jay at April 22, 2009 10:51 AM

Hackass...definitely hackass!

Posted by: cmr at April 22, 2009 10:56 AM

THANK YOU! You're the only one who agrees with me on how awful X3 was. My family ::sigh::, most of them didn't think it was that bad.

I wanted to gouge out my eyes and send them to Brett Ratner.

That was some bullshit.

Posted by: lostdwarf at April 22, 2009 10:57 AM

An Adam Shankman directed movie about Men Without Hats?

Heee...how about Michael Bay and Aha? Chris Columbus and Til Tuesday? Voices DO carry.

Posted by: Julie at April 22, 2009 10:58 AM

aaaah, Anna...I was born in 86 you see. My awareness of the 80's is as a distant memory of the worst parts, and vivid memories of the best parts(the kids TV)

Cycling shorts as a....fashion....fascincating as a concept, since I know many CYCLISTS who dont wear cycling shorts TO CYCLE

You kids where cuh-razy.

Posted by: Nadine at April 22, 2009 11:03 AM

Goddamit. It took everything in me not to press play because I didn't want it in my head all day, but now stupid branded just killed me with his "blame it on the rain" joke. I hate you.

Posted by: jamiepants at April 22, 2009 11:03 AM

Screw you guys. I did have Depeche Mode's Strangelove stuck in my head, but now it's Blame It On The Rain. If I go on a homicidal spree, I'm going to blame all of you. Especially TK. Not the rain. The rain never did nothing to me.

Also, shitballs stupid is my new favorite phrase. I need to peaceice saying it so I can throw it down without laughing.

Posted by: stardust savant at April 22, 2009 11:16 AM

It's a compulsion. Jamie you know it's true. Ooh, ooh, ooh I love you.

Posted by: branded at April 22, 2009 11:16 AM

Practice! Damn this phone.

Posted by: stardust savant at April 22, 2009 11:18 AM

NO! Don't they realize that so much suck in one sitting can kill the audience?! (Though, on a more amusing note, at least they don't need to get soundalikes. They could just employ the original voices, or use the actual recordings.)

Posted by: Doctor Controversy at April 22, 2009 11:21 AM

The day I found out Milli Vanilli were lip-syncing I threw my cassette out the window of a moving vehicle. At least I didn't have a crush on one of them like my cousin did. I think it was Milli that she liked.

I have a friend that has been in the vicinity of Ratner on more than one occasion. I have offered cash money to him if he would just urinate on Ratner and send me photographic evidence of it. However, we decided that Mr. Hackassjack would probably enjoy it more than I would.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at April 22, 2009 11:21 AM

Nadine, wait until we tell you about wearing your clothes backwards. And HyperColor. And Jams. And Member's Only Jackets. And . . . goddamn, we looked ridiculous at least until the mid-90s.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at April 22, 2009 11:22 AM

GODDAMMIT
That effing "Don't Forget My Number" song is now stuck on repeat in my brain. And I only remember that one line (the title) so it's just a loop of 4 words over and over.
My co-workers are going to be very unenthused about having to clean up the mess left by my slit wrists.
PS, I still have my Milli Vanilli cassette stored in a box someplace. For some reason, I can't let my old bad music go. It's like that old friend you never talk to anymore, but every now and again you come across an old picture and you wonder what methadone clinic they're frequenting these days.
Ah, nostalgia.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at April 22, 2009 11:44 AM

I feel like I need popcorn for these stories

Posted by: Nadine at April 22, 2009 11:50 AM

I did have Depeche Mode's Strangelove stuck in my head...

And now it's passed on to my head. Not such a bad thing.

Posted by: Cindy at April 22, 2009 12:25 PM

Just last night my girlfriend came downstairs in biking shorts (on her way to the gym, she claims, and I'm all like whaaa?).
Anyway, I immediately beg her to sing Milli Vanilli to me and to please please do a dance move. The one that coincided with "Ooh ooh ooh, I love you."
She refused. Because she is a heartless bitch.
She did offer a running, leaping, mid-air chest bump. I declined, not wanting to kill my girlfriend with my formidable ta-tas.

Posted by: Sharon at April 22, 2009 12:35 PM

I totally agree, TK. It is shit balls stupid. Besides, didn't they already cover this ground in the first ever "VH1 Behind the Music"?

Maybe I was drunk at the time, but I distinctly remember laughing my ass off at how idiotic the whole thing was.

Posted by: Carolina Girl at April 22, 2009 12:35 PM

"Blame it on the rain...."

The dancing was always my favorite part of their videos.

One of them committed suicide a few years ago. I saw it on Behind the Music - Milli Vanilli.

Posted by: Melody at April 22, 2009 12:36 PM

What the hell is a Milli Vanilli anyway?
Rob is dead. Fab lives on.

Posted by: Kballs at April 22, 2009 1:08 PM

My memories of Milli Vanilli:

I worked in my grandpa's record store from ages 10-18. He was more about the old albums and 45s, but he stocked new releases for the kiddies, because that's where the money was. I tried endlessly to convince him that the new Milli Vanilli cassette needed to be filed in the 'M' section, not 'V'. But it was to no avail. I would even sneak it over the the M's only to find it back in the V's the next time I worked.

Listening to Girl I'm Gonna Miss You over and over in my room, in the dark, while being a brooding, cheesy 16 year old. And everyone thinks Hannah Montana is bad? Well, she is bad, but I was just as guilty of having shitballs stupid taste as a teenager as her followers are now.

The final memory is when my husband told me that he never liked them in the first place, and proceeded to mercilessly mock me for the fact that I did. We have that kind of relationship though, so it's ok.

Posted by: katy at April 22, 2009 1:10 PM

Thanks, I'd rather listen to "Blame it on Cain."

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 22, 2009 1:22 PM

Hell, Katy, my wife mercilessly mocks me for my tastes now.

Posted by: TK at April 22, 2009 1:23 PM

This is the Seventh Seal... right?

I mean if this gets made, we're all goners.

I once traded my Milli Vanilli tape to my sister for Vanilla Ice's "To the Extreme".

This is forever how I've explained the concept of 'zero sum'.

Posted by: antietam at April 22, 2009 1:30 PM

antietam - I'm assuming those tapes melted upon getting within 10 feet of each other. That much evil cannot exist in the same social space.

Posted by: Kballs at April 22, 2009 1:37 PM

Hey Kballs, my Vanilla Ice tape is packed up in the same box as my Milli Vanilli tape...no meltdown as of yet. Word to your mutha

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at April 22, 2009 1:47 PM

No offense to those who voted for hackass, and not to split hairs or anything, but don't you think ASSHACK well, fits better?

I can't really explain why, but it just does to me.

Posted by: David McTaintwaffle at April 22, 2009 5:58 PM

X-Men 3 is dead to me. It never happened. NEVER HAPPENED.

Posted by: PavlovianHippie at April 22, 2009 6:47 PM

HELL YES X-MEN3 IS DEAD!!!!

I vote that pack of shite be remade...in fact the whole damn franchise!
How the everloving so and so did someone give Ratner a job after that? He's a frickin' asshack!

But say what, you're right TK, this IS a job worthy of his capabilities (or lack thereof).

Posted by: Four Eyes at April 22, 2009 7:14 PM

Assjack sounds like a violently degrading sex act, possibly involving, like, steel rebar and some power tools.

I will probably be using that word regularly from this point forward. So, you know, I'm sure every person forced to endure my presence from now until the end of time would like to take this opportunity to thank you, TK.

Posted by: Sarina at April 22, 2009 7:46 PM

How much you wanna bet Lindsay Lohan ends up in this? Cuz we all know Ratner has "ended up in" her, right? *sigh* I'm sorry, it was a long day at work and my brain isn't feeling clever. I'll finish with this: my older sister traded her Milli Vanilli cassette to her friend for a huge stuffed unicorn.

Posted by: puregonzo at April 22, 2009 9:50 PM