The Creepiest Thing You’ll See All Day
A Very Special YouTube Moment / Dustin Rowles
Trade News | November 11, 2008 | Comments (45)
Brett Ratner and Michael Jackson. Dancing. In a car.
And is it just me, or is Michael Jackson now officially missing his nose?
Posted by: Amelia Bedelia at November 11, 2008 5:03 PM
You can still tell that MJ's got moves though. They should lock him up and only let him out if he's willing to do concerts.
Posted by: BiDiddy at November 11, 2008 5:08 PM
They should lock him up and only let him out if he's willing to do concerts.
That's what they've done with Madonna, and I think we can all agree that it's not pretty. She could play bass by plucking her own neck cords, ya know?
Posted by: Amelia Bedelia at November 11, 2008 5:11 PM
No no no no NO.
Posted by: Julie at November 11, 2008 5:15 PM
Ratner's $3.6 million home in Beverly Hills was destroyed by a BBQ grill explosion
Posted by: Adam at November 11, 2008 5:19 PM
I...I'm sorry. I have to go wipe the vomit off of my chin. So...weird? No, that's not the right word...
Posted by: couch and pants at November 11, 2008 5:19 PM
Is Jackson relevant enough to merit a posting here?
I don't think so.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 11, 2008 5:22 PM
Why are his eyebrows blue? When did he have pug eyes installed? What the hell is he doing in a car with Ratner? How did you find this? Why did you show us? Is there a cup in the backseat? Who's in the trunk? WHO'S IN THE GODDAM TRUNK?!
So cold... so very, very cold...
There are far too many questions this video brings up... Tell you what - I'm going to pour myself four fingers of Scotch, pound the remaining Scotch in the bottle, and tomorrow morning, polish off the four fingers I poured the night before.
Posted by: Skitz at November 11, 2008 5:23 PM
i dunno guys, someone showed me a youtube video of a skittles commercial that involved feet (!!!) and i think it was only slightly more disturbing than this.
but only slightly.
Posted by: Jen Vegas at November 11, 2008 5:39 PM
I kinda appreciate there was no crotch shot, THAT would have been the creepiest thing ever. madonna humping vagina still causes me major sight lost. i'm almost legally blind because of the georgia o'keeffe between her legs
Posted by: rio at November 11, 2008 5:43 PM
Has anything combining "brett" and "michael" ever turned out well?
The concept was off-putting enough, and then the R. Kelly!!! song started and I got creepbumps so large I looked like a plastic bag full of cold oatmeal (and/or Tara Reid).
Posted by: firedmyass at November 11, 2008 5:54 PM
What color is that?!
Posted by: G at November 11, 2008 6:36 PM
Four years ago, while staring at an otherwise solid beige wall, I noticed a gray spot. I blinked a couple times looked at another solid surface and there it was again - a fuzzy gray spot right in the middle of my left eye. That can't be good, I'm thinking, so I call my eye doctor (expecting the usual three month wait), and he wants to know if I can be there in an hour. Now, that is really not good, and actually I can't be, so I get there first thing the next morning, spend two hours getting every conceivable drop dumped into my left eye and get one of those good news/bad news things. It isn't a detached retina (Yay!) - it's a macular hole (Wha?).
Well, that sucks. That means surgery, a gas bubble behind the eye, three weeks in a harness to keep me face down 24/7 with not enough drugs to keep me sane. Once up, I wear patches during the day, enduring months of pirate jokes, and shields during the night. I did it though. I was amazingly compliant.
And yet, three months later, the hole is back. Another surgery, another bubble, another harness, better but not great drugs, and the hole is sealed, and the patch is back, and I'm warned about detached retinas and cataracts and no flying and stay off roller coasters and probably anything else that might cause me to bump my head.
And 15 months later, the hole is back - my surgeon compares the back of my eye to an over-tossed pizza crust - and I'm back in the OR with two surgeons this time because I have indeed developed a cataract in the eye so we might as well fix that, too. Once again, the hated harness, much better drugs, eye patches, and another year of missing every wedding, family function, conference, vacation, etc because pressurized cabins are verboten. Finally the all clear. Right...
A year later, likely out of sheer spite, the right eye develops a cataract. Surgery, although this one was easy, and for the first time in my life I can see without glasses. I'm actually feeling pretty good - vision is great, I can get out of my house without braille, I can read the sports ticker.
And just how do you repay me for all this hell and agony? A video of the Knight of the Living Dead?!
You bastards...
Posted by: funtime42 at November 11, 2008 6:53 PM
Anyone else feel vaugely icky?
Posted by: Jenilane at November 11, 2008 7:52 PM
He looks as if he has been in a fire. And do you notice that he is always looking at the camera, no matter where it is?
My kids will hear a song and ask "Is that when Michael Jackson was black?"
Posted by: wsapnin at November 11, 2008 8:14 PM
That car smelled like douche and Meladerm, I'm sure.
Posted by: JapJay at November 11, 2008 8:27 PM
I'm not watching. I am shuddering.
Posted by: Cindy at November 11, 2008 8:39 PM
Aw, poor crazy Michael Jackson. You've got to be majorly fucked up to do that to your face. Cuz ain't nobody thinkin' that's actually pretty. Poor guy.
He still makes me happy anytime I hear Man in the Mirror. Or Smooth Criminal.
Posted by: tt_marie at November 11, 2008 8:42 PM
My money's on funtime42 for the No. 1 spot come Thursday, and I'm not just saying that because I've had several surgeries on my own left eye, including for detached retina and cataract and to install a little shunt on the top of the eyeball to keep the pressure inside low, plus perhaps the most disgusting thing you'll read today: to remove massive clouds of floaters (those little squiggly things you see sometimes against a white background), the doctor SUCKED ALL THE JELLY OUT OF MY EYE and replaced it with ... I dunno what, saline water or something.
But all that? NOTHING like the horror funtime42 describes.
Here's looking at YOU, my visually challenged friend.
Posted by: bucdaddy at November 11, 2008 8:57 PM
Lord Voldemort?
Posted by: brodiekins at November 11, 2008 9:05 PM
Lord Voldemort?
Well, neither could stop since they could never get enough.
Posted by: Jay at November 11, 2008 9:07 PM
Agreed, BiDiddy, it's still clear that he has moves. Makes me sad.
Also, does anyone else think it gets worse when MJ has facial hair? You'd think with all of that surgery he would have gone ahead and removed the hair permanently from his face and throat.
Posted by: Anne at November 11, 2008 9:32 PM
How odd... I was watching videos of Jackson 5 performances earlier today.
Now instead of singing ABC, I feel like I have an STD.
Posted by: Beauregard at November 11, 2008 9:38 PM
Rowles lately your writings have become more edgier, I suspect you've come into contact with your darker, more base self. I see in you a man that has followed a certain path and that path has taken you to a unfulfilled place. Your cries for help are loud and clear, I've been to where you are headed.
Posted by: Pookie at November 11, 2008 10:16 PM
It's called a vitrectomy - they draw blood from your veins, spin down the plasma, suck out the vitreous humor from behind your eye, plug the hole with the plasma, then float the gas bubble behind the plasma to act as a bandaid until the plasma adheres to/seals the hole. And you have to keep absolutely parallel to the ground or the gas bubble slides off the eye. I watched all sorts of TV using one of those magic mirrors on the floor - of course my 32" TV had been delivered two days before the diagnosis and instead of reveling in large, I got to watch the greens of Augusta through a 2" mirror.
The floaters are kinda cool though. The ones in my left eye looks like James Thurber's scottie dogs, and the right eye is a dead ringer for the eastern coastline of Russia just north of Vladivostok...
Posted by: funtime42 at November 11, 2008 10:22 PM
Michael Jackson: The answer to the question, "What do you get when you combine Skeletor with a Smurf?"
Posted by: JP at November 11, 2008 10:23 PM
Yes, Pookie. He's become a victim of a selfish kind of love.
Posted by: Jay at November 11, 2008 10:26 PM
Earth to funtime42, earth to funtime42, come in come in!
Posted by: Pookie at November 11, 2008 10:29 PM
Jesus Christ Michael...that is the best you can do??!?! That has to be the fattest, hairiest 12 year old boy I have ever seen...How the mighty have fallen...
Posted by: Diablo at November 11, 2008 10:37 PM
funtime, Yeah, that's the word. Though I didn't go through anything like you describe. I was off work for 2 1/2 weeks and just had to be REALLY careful, wear a shield, eyes drops every couple hours, that sort of thing. But I recollect that I could move around, read and watch TV with my right eye. That and the following surgeries improved my vision considerably, though I'll never be 20-20 in the left eye (I think it's 20-30). Other eye's 20-20.
On the whole, though, I wouldn't want to go through it again. Except ... the floaters in the right eye are getting a little annoying.
Posted by: bucdaddy at November 11, 2008 11:29 PM
Damn. I watched that video while the ad with the man with the scorpion on his face was next to it. I believe MJ was scarier and more disturbing.
Posted by: rlr260 at November 11, 2008 11:45 PM
in a futile attempt to relate this post to movies, might I suggest casting Michael as the Joker in the next Bat to the Future film? Serially Heath-creepy, seriously.
Posted by: Sanity Clause at November 11, 2008 11:51 PM
All I can say is that he did his best to be a white woman but still has the rhythm and dance moves of a black man.
Posted by: NotBlonde at November 12, 2008 1:42 AM
I can't wait for the sex tape.
Posted by: Peecat at November 12, 2008 3:35 AM
"I can't wait for the sex tape.
Posted by: Peecat"
I can wait. I can wait for about the next billion damned years. Some things are just too far beyond the pale (and I've sat through the entire "2 Girls / 1 Cup" video without reaction).
Posted by: The Wanderer at November 12, 2008 7:05 AM
All these posts and no questioning of the camera angle? Who's taking this video, anyhow? It's not Brett Ratner filming himself like a schoolgirl; you can see both of his hands in at least one frame. Maybe it's the dude on the floorboard humming Brett?
Posted by: Che Grovera at November 12, 2008 8:13 AM
*shudder*
Uhh...I don't know what to say, Che...better Brett than Michael, I guess?
Excuse me while I go thank Mother Websense for blocking this video from my poor, defenseless eyes.
Posted by: meaux at November 12, 2008 9:06 AM
oh my goodness. He seems a little uncomfortable at certain points. that is uber creepy. but i can't. look. away. yikes!
Posted by: VinKong at November 12, 2008 10:54 AM
Does ANYONE else find the extreme humor in the idea of kid-toucher Michael jackson getting down in the backseat to kid-fucker R. Kelly??? Should the car suck itself into a black hole or someting?
(And by black hole, I'm speaking in physics terms, cuz Mike isn't a black anymore...although that's funny too. See what i did there??)
Posted by: PissBoy at November 12, 2008 11:30 AM
Chock full o' BUTTHOLE.
Posted by: Rykker at November 12, 2008 11:44 AM
If Michael Jackson, even looking as he did, walked up to me and said "Look, I know how I seem right now and everything, but if I promise to get better and start singing and dancing again, would you give me a hug..."
I'd give him a big one. Like, a really big one. Both arms. Because we're all better for what he's done for music.
Now, back to worrying about his chilrens.
Posted by: Beatific Barf at November 12, 2008 12:05 PM
Based on his backseat moves, I think we've finally solved that age-old stereotype conundrum about skin pigmentation and dancing ability...
Posted by: K at November 12, 2008 1:42 PM
I can wait. I can wait for about the next billion damned years. Some things are just too far beyond the pale (and I've sat through the entire "2 Girls / 1 Cup" video without reaction).
Wanderer I so hope there is one. It'll be the final nail in both of their respective 'careers'.
Posted by: Peecat at November 13, 2008 2:58 AM
Aaaah! There's a child molesting zombie in my back seat!!
Oh thank god it was all a dream.
Aaah! I'm a fat talentless hack!!
Posted by: slappy at November 13, 2008 3:29 AM
He looks like an alien...poor guy! Latoya probably got the inspiration for her nose from MJ...what the hell were they thinking?!
Posted by: ph at November 13, 2008 8:18 PM
If Skeletor and Wayne from Wayne's World had a baby...