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Breaking: Scarlett Johansson Set to Play Void in Ryan Reynolds' Soul

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (31)

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I have been led to believe by The Huffington Post that Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson have decided to end their marriage of two years . I would just to make it known, before I am further inundated with emails (thanks!), that R-Squared’s decision to divorce has no bearing on my heterosexual man crush, which I officially ended last month. I wish Double R the best in his future romantic pursuits, and harbor no ill will toward Ms. Johansson.

I would also like to note that, though I did recently receive a lock of Ryan Reynolds’ hair, I am certain that the witch’s spell I placed on their marriage had no effect. There’s no such thing as black magic. *

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*There’s totally such a thing as black magic. And it works, bitches.










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Comments

::removes pants::

Posted by: stopthemadness aka Angry Black Lady at December 14, 2010 4:53 PM

That much funny and sexy cannot be tamed by vapid and boobular for too long.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at December 14, 2010 4:56 PM

Boobular!! I'm stealing that!

Posted by: fenchurch at December 14, 2010 4:57 PM

Pinky, yes it can. Never underestimate the power of vapid and boobular has over the teeny tiny male cortex. Or forebrain. Or whatever part controls male brain function.

Posted by: mrcreosote at December 14, 2010 5:05 PM

Johansson was already the void in his soul, while she was married to him.

Posted by: Dave Sim at December 14, 2010 5:06 PM

If you listen carefully you can hear Alanis smiling while she chuckles inwardly.

Posted by: Stacey at December 14, 2010 5:15 PM

I think it's referred to as "the below brain" mrcreosote.

Posted by: admin at December 14, 2010 5:21 PM

I thought that too Stacey.

Then I thought, why do I know this stuff?

Then came the shame spiral.

But it involves chocolate, so it wasn't too bad.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at December 14, 2010 5:22 PM

Funny, I was just thinking today about that bit from the Ryan Reynolds Man Crush eulogy that went [and I'm paraphrasing] : "I'm no fan of Scarlett Johanssen, but make that work. Don't be the kind of guy that gets married every two years".

Their pairing never really seemed real to me, but that's probably because it wasn't flayed out to the tabloids like some others...

And crikey, I never thought that Alanis and friggin' Souleye would last longer than these two.

Posted by: seed at December 14, 2010 5:46 PM

How you know you love Pajiba too much:

As soon as I saw that little headline pop up in a sidebar on another site, my first thought was "I wonder if Dustin knows!!!?!"

Posted by: MM at December 14, 2010 6:08 PM

I'm listening Alanis right now. Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?

Posted by: james at December 14, 2010 6:25 PM

They installed internet monitoring software at my office (my soul has been dying piece by piece since) so I heard the news via multiple texts from friends who are familiar with my love of RyRey. My second thought (after I started plotting how to make him mine) was, "I can't wait to see what Dustin has to say".

Posted by: Jordan at December 14, 2010 6:26 PM

Re: The Header

Me. I will be that woman. I will fill his void (if you know what I mean aaand I think you do).

Posted by: Even Stevens at December 14, 2010 7:01 PM

IT IS NOT IRONIC! IT IS COINCIDENCE!

Posted by: superasente at December 14, 2010 7:04 PM

I rarely love asterixes more than I do at this moment...asterii?

Posted by: anitra at December 14, 2010 7:34 PM

I thought it might be "asterices," but it is in fact "asterisks."

/nerd'd

Posted by: Rykker at December 14, 2010 7:41 PM

And "boobular" is my new favorite word.

Posted by: Rykker at December 14, 2010 7:42 PM

I guess he finally figured out the attic is empty.

Posted by: Cindy at December 14, 2010 7:53 PM

I remember reading that 2009 was the year of death because so many people died. I think 2010 is the year that love died (heh) because of so many divorces and separations. Just today Michael C. Hall and his wife, ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds, Zefron and Vanessa Hudgens...add that on to everyone else this year--Eva Longoria and Tony Parker, etc. Not that famous people are destined to stay together normally but yikes.

Posted by: Sar at December 14, 2010 7:56 PM

I think they were pretty well-matched. Both are boring as hell. I've never found someone so objectively handsome so completely unattractive. Wait, except for Tom Selleck.

Posted by: jzhz at December 14, 2010 7:58 PM

I feel like his face doesn't match his body. I am always confused by him.

Posted by: Tits McGee at December 14, 2010 8:08 PM

wow a celebrity divorce
im shocked

shocked i say

Posted by: logan at December 14, 2010 8:38 PM

True, Tits. His head always looks pasted-on. Has anyone ever seen him in person?

Who's the bigger idiot: Scarlett for dumping him (so it is said), or Ryan for marrying her?

Votes?

Posted by: Janis at December 14, 2010 11:17 PM

Janis: I vote Ryan. Scarlett has an approximate boobular shelflife of 3 more years in which to snag Hubby #2.

Posted by: cinekat at December 15, 2010 7:10 AM

Scarlett is very physically attractive but the way she acts and behaves in interviews kills the attraction for me. Its not that she seems like a bad person, bit's just I dont dig her opinions or mannerisms. It could be just me.

Posted by: Muteki at December 15, 2010 8:32 AM

MM,
My thoughts exactly, word for word :))

Posted by: Kateshi Rinkichiku at December 15, 2010 8:37 AM

Me thinks he doth protest too much

Posted by: anikitty at December 15, 2010 10:04 AM

I think the split was caused by all the weight she lost, which severely compromised her boobularity.

Posted by: jimbob at December 15, 2010 10:50 AM

Hudgens is out there again?

Vanessa! Text me!

Posted by: , at December 15, 2010 11:05 AM

My first thought was also, "Cue Dustin saying 'Call me!'"

Posted by: Sara H at December 16, 2010 8:38 PM

But, when you're passionate about something it's not so hard to find that motivation again and get going with blog posts again.

Posted by: Seldin at December 28, 2010 1:54 PM