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I Hate To Break It To You

By Brian Prisco | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (104)

twilight-cast_l.jpg

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I cannot WAIT for Breaking Dawn to get released. I long for the day when that movie gets released in theatres so I can see the faces of all the Twihards. It would be like Watchmen fans getting slapped in the face with the blue doctor’s lower Manhattan.

Apparently, there’s speculation that Chris Weitz is backing out of the director’s chair. I don’t know how this is speculation when David Slade’s been brought on to direct the third installment Eclipse. David Slade directed Hard Candy and 30 Days of Night. Which makes him perfect for Eclipse since he managed to make a stirring 90 minute flick out of a short film’s worth of plot.

Who cares?! It doesn’t matter who they get to helm this trainwreck because the story itself is doomed to destroy minds and hearts for four simple reasons.

I’M ABOUT TO EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENS IN THE LAST BOOK OF TWILIGHT. IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW, GO HIDE IN A CORNER AND LISTEN TO PARAMORE.

Point 1: Bella and Edward get their fuck on. There’s no way around this, no matter how tastefully they try to artistry it, Edward puts a baby in Bella’s womb after whaling on her because she’s into the rough sex. Nothing like encouraging an entire generation of little girls to be childbrides. Because high school relationships matter more than anything in your life.

Point 2: The baby — who’s name is Renesmee — rips open Bella’s stomach and claws her way out. And then promptly STARTS TALKING. I don’t care how good Jimbo Cameron made the kittenchimps look, there’s no amount of CGI that can make talking babies anything less than absolutely fucking ridiculous. A tank falling out of an airplane makes more fucking sense than a goddamn Lars and the Real Infant.

Point 3: But that’s OK, Team Jacob. Let’s talk about imprinting. The werewolves imprint — which means when a boy and girl see each other across a crowded room, they fall instantly in love, as if they are meant for each other and there can be no other. Like when I met your mom. Doesn’t matter if you bring your girlfriend you’ve been dating for five years, if your boy spies her and gets the little magic “skaboing!” in his noggin, that’s the ballgame. And it doesn’t matter if the boy wolf is 11 and the girl is 78.

Or … if she’s a baby. They’ll get a taste for it when one of the wolves imprints a baby in the third flick. But that won’t help the impact when Jacob imprints Renesmee. That’s right. Jacob falls madly in love with a fucking baby.

Now, they don’t get their fuck on. It’s not pedophilia, yet. It’s just that you’ll do anything you can to protect your one true love. Even if it’s a creepy talking CGI baby that tore it’s way out of your best friend’s vampire womb after a night of teenage married rough sex.

Which gets us to point 4, the final battle since we’re talking about CGI. Because they won’t need any of it.

The final battle is the biggest clusterfuck cockblock of all time. Both armies gather to throw down. Werewolves, and vampires, and supervampires with their magic powers and shit. And they all face off in a field — the same one they played lightning baseball in.

And then it becomes Scanners without exploding heads. Literally, the final fight is two psychic vampires imaginariuming their shields around each other. It’s like playing chess without moving the pieces. There’s no fighting. There’s no battle. The psychics defeat each other, and then everyone walks away. It’s worse than having your hero get his head cut off by the bad guy after fighting his way to the end. It’s not even fighting at all. It’s calling the Super Bowl by the coin toss. It’s the most unsatisfying, unfilmable, unreasonable finale ever made.

AND THEY WANT TO SPLIT THIS BOOK INTO TWO MOVIES.

So, how’s Twilight like Harry Potter again?









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Comments

I am cackling in my office right now. Prisco, you magnificent bastard, this is the best summation of anything related to Twilight ever.

Posted by: Melody at January 12, 2010 11:40 AM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Posted by: Snath at January 12, 2010 11:40 AM

I really hated the last book, for all the reasons just mentioned. But I'll dutifully go see the last movie. Why? Because as a mid-30s mother to a toddler, watching hot teenage boys (the ones whose names *don't* rhyme with Schmobert Schmatenson) take off their shirts is sometimes the best part of my week.

Posted by: Your Mom at January 12, 2010 11:41 AM

I may actually have to read the book now. Any scene involving Bella's ripping flesh, no matter how poorly written, is worth a few minutes of my time.

Posted by: Kolby at January 12, 2010 11:46 AM

Your Mom, I heard about this new invention call "The Internet!" Someone told me it has lots of pictures of naked people, both ladies and men! Free shirtless, glistening men! Oiled up washboard abs, just waiting for your peepers.

You don't have to sit through Twilight, is the point I'm making here.

Posted by: Snath at January 12, 2010 11:46 AM

MooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!! I thought I told you never to come to this sight!

Now all my friends are gonna think your semi-creepy for liking teenage boys, but they're all gonna try to get with you.

Don't you dare fuck Derrik! You hear me!
The last thing I need during baseball practice this spring is Derrik telling me to "...smell the baseball" he just threw me cuz he ran into you during his free period.

Posted by: PissBoy at January 12, 2010 11:49 AM

You left off 1.5, in which the carrying and birthing of that talking baby is such a physical ordeal because of the baby's superpowers that Bella's insides are shredded and her spine is broken. That - on top of the unorthodox Caesarean - is why what's-his-name has to turn Bella into a vampire to save her life. I'm guessing it will just be portrayed as a particularly arduous labor. And I don't think there's any chance in hell that this imprinting nonsense will be kept completely intact as presented.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at January 12, 2010 11:52 AM

Now wait. You're not explaining the concept of Imprinting correctly. It's
not like uhm, Jacob falls all madly in love with 'Nessie and can't wait to
make the sexy times and the tonsil hockeys. He's just psychically connected
to her for the forevertimes. He's her protector and mate and ....

Huh?
STFU?
Ok. Sorry.

You *KNOW* this flicks going to make wolfie poo piles of money. Edwardo
gives her the rough stuff and breaks all the bedroom furniture. All the Twiddletweenies will flock to this, just to see how 'true love really should be'.

Posted by: Ms MoMo at January 12, 2010 11:53 AM

So there's no baby sexing?

That would have been something actually worth watching.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 12, 2010 11:55 AM

I think I just lost a few IQ points by reading the summation. This sounds beyond stupid.

Posted by: Jadine at January 12, 2010 11:55 AM

Such a great laugh for a Tuesday morning!

So I knew all the stuff except that the baby immediately starts TALKING.

Look Who's Talking 4: Vampire Sparkle Edition

Posted by: MM at January 12, 2010 11:58 AM

Thank you for summing it up so quickly, now I can tell all the 50 year old Twilight fans in my office that I know how it ends and they can shut the fuck up about me reading the goddamned books. I always had my suspicions that these books bordered on retarded and apparently I have been right all along.

Posted by: beegeek at January 12, 2010 11:58 AM

Now, if we could count on them to actually film the mangling first sex scene, as well as the blood-soaked maiming involved in childbirth, I might pay to see this. But they will gloss over both violations of Bella's flesh to focus on OMG!Edward'sBaby!OMG! and touch almost not at all on the imprinting of the carnivorous infant by a teenage furball. The level of fuckwittery required to imagine the entire last book (which I didn't read but have seen summarized hilariously elsewhere) cannot be matched on film - a media that specializes in knuckle-dragging stupidity. I am almost impressed by Meyer's talent for the absurd. Sadly, she still can't write.

Posted by: Reba at January 12, 2010 12:09 PM

CAN'T. WAIT.

ohmanohmanohman and you know that the baby is probably supposed to be all gorgeous and shit because of Super Hotness Vampire + Special Precious Cupcake = PRETTIEST BABY THAT EVER PRETTIED. And it's gonna be covered in shit and gore and blood and it will probably sparkle and I CANNOT fUCKING WAIT.

Posted by: figgy at January 12, 2010 12:09 PM

Well we DO have one thing to look forward to...

Thousands of Twihard killing eachother in the bedroom because they don't know how to properly have rough sex. They'll be choking each other to death with neck-ties and scarves; boys will accidentally rip out girls' throats becuase his muscles will lock up while he has his hands on her throat cuz he'll cum in 7 seconds causing him to go Dalton on her ass; broken necks from sexual acrobatics that result in falling off the bed with someone precariously on top.

Go to it kids.

But just be warned. My first motorcycle was 275cc's. I didn't get my first big-boy bike til I knew I could ride well.

Yay for dead Twitards.

Posted by: PissBoy at January 12, 2010 12:12 PM

If Edward has been a teen for hundreds of years how long is the baby going to be a baby? Can you imagine nursing the little fucker who ripped her way out of your vajayjay for a century? I can just see Bella's face each time she puts little 'Nessie to her breast and screems ala Nic Cage in The Wicker Man, "Oh no, not the fangs! Not the fangs! AHHHHHHHH My nipple! My nipple! Ahhhhh.. ahhhh...".

Posted by: EricD at January 12, 2010 12:12 PM

Sometimes, I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Vampires.

Posted by: Snath at January 12, 2010 12:13 PM

Sparkling Crotch Fruit?

Posted by: PissBoy at January 12, 2010 12:13 PM

I don't think she starts talking immediately does she? I thought there was that whole touching and seeing what she's feeling thing? I dunno, I think I blocked most of it out after reading. Yes I have read it, and it's batshit. Not sure how they're going to do this on screen.

I wondered about this imprinting business, when it comes to the person the wolfboy is imprinting on. Do they have any say? They're seen and the wolf falls madly in love with them, but do they feel the same back? What if they're like, 'That's very nice of you but I'll stick with this boring accountant here as he won't possibly shred my face if I make him upset'?

Posted by: Carrie (aka Teabelly) at January 12, 2010 12:15 PM

I really hated the last book, for all the reasons just mentioned. But I'll dutifully go see the last movie. Why? Because as a mid-30s mother to a toddler, watching hot teenage boys (the ones whose names *don't* rhyme with Schmobert Schmatenson) take off their shirts is sometimes the best part of my week.
Posted by: Your Mom at January 12, 2010 11:41 AM
Oh, I didn't see you there. I was just getting out of the shower. *Flex*

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at January 12, 2010 12:15 PM

If Edward has been a teen for hundreds of years how long is the baby going to be a baby?

She grows really fast. I think she's like a three year old in about a month or something silly.

Posted by: Carrie (aka Teabelly) at January 12, 2010 12:17 PM

Teenagers are stupid. So is the chick that wrote this crap.
I think Stephanie Meyer was the dork in high school who could never get a date b/c she was ugly and wore head-gear and was socially awkward. This is her teenage fantasy.

*gag

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at January 12, 2010 12:19 PM

Overheard in a restaurant in Annapolis:


"Yeah, what scares me is that now me & my daughter have the same favorite actor!"

"Who's that?"

"Taylor Laughtner."


Way to go, Mom, stay relevant!

Posted by: the new transported man at January 12, 2010 12:23 PM

Point 1: Bella and Edward get their fuck on. There’s no way around this, no matter how tastefully they try to artistry it, Edward puts a baby in Bella’s womb after whaling on her because she’s into the rough sex.

And then there's Point 1B: Bella wakes up the next morning COVERED IN BRUISES from the rough sex, and not only doesn't see a problem with that, but finds it ROMANTIC.

Wow, sorry. I thought I was past that, but apparently I'm really not. Every time I think about it, it creeps me out all over again. I understand the concept of a "trophy bruise," but your entire body covered in them is not it.

P.S. Kittenchimps? There are kittenchimps in Avatar?! Why have I not seen this yet?!

Posted by: Anna von Beaverpuppet at January 12, 2010 12:26 PM

So the drinking game for this movie will need a sparkling bloody mary?

Posted by: Melody at January 12, 2010 12:26 PM

Holy shit, this is the actual plot of the book? The mind, it boggles.

Posted by: Katers at January 12, 2010 12:27 PM

This post is so sexy, *I* want to have its uterus-ripping babies. Prisco's rant on Twilight is better than anything Meyer's ever written, and that's the truth (and notice he didn't say "Adonis" once!).

Let's not forget other awesome highlights of the book:

*Bella's klutzy ass TRIPS and causes her placenta to detach

*Edward helps her out by using his FREAKIN' VAMPIRE TEETH TO HELP CHEW THE BABY OUT OF HER

*Edward, hopeless romantic that he is, tells Bella that if she wants kids, she should go screw her best friend

*Bella actually considers, if the child is a boy, naming it after the two men who've been fighting each other for rights to her crotch

*Bella BEGS Edward for sex after her damn-near kills her on their wedding night. PLEASE SLEEP WITH ME, PLEASE SLEEP WITH ME, I DON'T CARE IF IT HURTS.

*Bella basically shits on her parents by not clueing them in on what's happening - she decides to cut them out of her life because EDWURD IS SO OSM

It's all sooooooo romantic!

Posted by: luthien26 at January 12, 2010 12:33 PM

Bella actually considers, if the child is a boy, naming it after the two men who've been fighting each other for rights to her crotch

Hahahah! Edjwardcob. Nice.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverpuppet at January 12, 2010 12:37 PM

They've done it! The new worst movie of all time is Breaking Dawn: Parts 1 & 2!

If they aren't both number 1 on your "Worst ilms of whenever the fuck they're filmed" list, I'll be very disappointed. This year alone, you left off Paper Heart, Jennifers Body, Old Dogs, and even the toxically awful Bruno. Don't let me down again.

Posted by: George at January 12, 2010 12:38 PM

Someone told me there's a Mapuche somewhere in this book. Mapuches, for those of you who don't know, are native Chileans (though try not to call them Chileans), and some of them are extremely pissed off. They want their land back, and they're not afraid to lapidate cops or set stuff on fire to make their point.

I don't plan on telling them they appear in the Twilight saga.

Posted by: Bizarro Sofía at January 12, 2010 12:40 PM

Hahahah! Edjwardcob. Nice.

Heh. But hopefully not Jedward (only slightly funny if you've been assaulted by the identical twins on X Factor for however long it was.)

Posted by: Carrie (aka Teabelly) at January 12, 2010 12:41 PM

Thank you, Prisco, for the summary. I have steered far away from both books and movies, and now I know how it ends, so I never need to go near them at all. I appreciate the added details from my fellow commenters, because, ick, it just makes everything worse. And I can continue to feel morally superior, and isn't that the whole point in the first place?

Posted by: tamatha at January 12, 2010 12:44 PM

OMFG!!! Yes, I just snorted chai onto my keyboard. This is frakkin hilarious. I sat thru the first 2 abortions, just to make fun of them. This one sounds like it might swallow me whole and eject me into some bile-filled sparkly hell.

Who's on the snark-bus with me to go to an opening day showing, complete with bags of glitter and placenta to rain over the crowd?

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 12, 2010 12:51 PM

In trying to explain the awesomeness of this post and its accompanying comments, I went

*headkeyboard*

Jeesopus I needed this today

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 12, 2010 12:56 PM

Werewolf imprinting on babies? What terrifies me the most is that teenage girls (and their mothers and some sensitive males) have read all this crap and have somehow found it to be romantic and thrilling. It is believable to them. Meyers is somehow corrupting the imagination of the world and we need to stop it because this shit right here is pure madness. Am I to believe that this baby is also somehow half human and half vampire too? Please kill me now because two parts of shit is still one big pile of shit. And someone forgot to eat their fiber.

Posted by: Peanut_Butter_And_James at January 12, 2010 12:57 PM

Sparkling Crotch Fruit?

HAAAAAAAAA!

Posted by: figgy at January 12, 2010 12:59 PM

I wonder how a vampire who is DEAD is able to have sex in the first place. And still produces live sperm. Um, maybe Meyers still doesn't understand how babies are made?

I read the books because I am a masochist. And a bit of a sadist too since theyforced me to keep waking up my dear husband so I could rant to him about the stupidity.

Posted by: angie at January 12, 2010 1:04 PM

Why? Because as a mid-30s mother to a toddler, watching hot teenage boys (the ones whose names *don't* rhyme with Schmobert Schmatenson) take off their shirts is sometimes the best part of my week.
Posted by: Your Mom at January 12, 2010 11:41 AM
----------------------------------------------

*sprays on some more AXE*

Soooooooooooo, how YOU doin'?

You into fistpumpin' ALL. NIGHT LONG...?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 12, 2010 1:07 PM

You know, I've been passively laughing at all the snarky and bitchy complaints about how Belle likes rough sex in the book and she basically likes getting beat up by Edward, and all the while thinking it was just you guys getting all witty in the comments section.

But if this shit is for real, if this garbage is being imprinted into the young adolescent girl's mind like a fucking Marmaduke square onto the back of some squishy silly putty, then Twilight is an act of child abuse and negligence at best and a wife-beating manifesto at worst.

Posted by: annoyingmouse at January 12, 2010 1:19 PM

One more time: This entire story is an extrapolation from being involved in the Mormon community. If you don't see the parallels here, then you need to do some checking up.

Posted by: Recondite at January 12, 2010 1:35 PM

I think you've left out possibly one of the best moments of the book, which is when Bella wakes up after a night of backboard splintering, abusive vamp sex to find herself covered in feathers and is all wtf? And then Edward, the masculine hero of our story, admits to pillow biting during their fuckathon. I can't help but pity Robert Pattinson, poor dumb bastard, for the moment in cinematic history when he will have to act that out for millions of people and forever associate himself with a sparkley pillow biting vampire. I can easily imagine the highlights of the Twilight series porno spoof.

Posted by: Nat at January 12, 2010 1:53 PM

Sooooo.... apparently, the first two books where Edward was all "you need to stay away from me, I'm dangerous" and she's all "that's cool, I trust you" was just foreplay for dangerous, rough, abdomen splitting sex (post marriage).

Secretary + glitter - writing - acting = Twilight. Gotcha.

Posted by: welldressed at January 12, 2010 1:55 PM

Um, maybe Meyers still doesn't understand how babies are made

::psst:: Moron Mormon.

Most of this made me laugh so hard I squeed in my seat, but I'm going to have to get the spray bottle on a few of you kids.

Posted by: Patty O'Green at January 12, 2010 2:21 PM

Oh my God. The deathbaby. And then Edward turns Bella into a vampire by eating her uterus so the deathbaby doesn't fucking tear her to pieces during birth.

And get this: The deathbaby stops aging around 17, same as Mother Dearest. Which means she will look (and be) FOREVER underaged.

...BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Posted by: Aislinn at January 12, 2010 2:21 PM

Secretary + glitter - writing - acting = Twilight.

This ranks right up there with "Roses are red, violets are blue. Fuck you, whore" as one of my favorite lines of ALL TIME.

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 12, 2010 2:23 PM

http://tinyurl.com/yeolus6

Devin said it the same, and better, in November.

Posted by: Brian at January 12, 2010 2:29 PM

Who's on the snark-bus with me to go to an opening day showing, complete with bags of glitter and placenta to rain over the crowd?

dammitjanet you're in Indy, right? I'm in Chicago. We can totally work this out!

Posted by: Scully at January 12, 2010 2:48 PM

I nearly choked on my soup reading this. I read the synopses of the book back on Wikipedia, but it left out some details, like Edward using his teeth to bring out his kid. Doesn't that literally mean he's eating out Bella? And how does this dinky bitch trip on her own placenta? Oh my God, I'm chuckling just thinking about it!

Didn't the "baby comes out fully intelligent" thing happen in Xena?

Secretary + glitter - writing - acting = Twilight. Gotcha.
Glad to know I wasn't the only one to notice this.

I really want to see Breaking Dawn now. Thanks, Pajibans.

Posted by: Brie at January 12, 2010 2:48 PM

Even with all that fucknuttery happening, I bet it will still be beyond boring.

Posted by: jM at January 12, 2010 2:49 PM

Devin said it the same, and better, in November.

More than one person writing about the ridiculousness that is "Breaking Dawn"?
If I had pearls, I'd be clutchin'.

And Faraci? I don't think "better" means what you think it does.

Posted by: branded at January 12, 2010 2:53 PM

Oh, Scully, darlin', LETS DO THIS THING!!!

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 12, 2010 3:00 PM

I'll supply the glitter and vodka, can you get the, uhm, er, placenta?

Posted by: Scully at January 12, 2010 3:05 PM

Are you kidding? I live in a farming community....they're EVERYWHERE!!!

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 12, 2010 3:17 PM

Snath, OMG, you're right! This "innertubes" thing is amazing! What ever would I do without you?

PissBoy, you be a good son and go get mommy another beer.

Posted by: Your Mom at January 12, 2010 3:38 PM

When I saw the title of this post, I could picture Prisco rolling up his sleeves and rubbing his hands together in glee. He did not disappoint.

You know what kinda shocks me, though? How many Pajibans actually know what happens in the books. *shudder* Please tell me you didn't read them, please!!!

Although I suppose I shouldn't judge. After all, I love Paramore.

Posted by: Jelinas at January 12, 2010 4:01 PM

I really want to see Breaking Dawn now. Thanks, Pajibans.
And thus, Prisco's under-the-table paycheck from Meyer's suddenly makes sense...

BP: "So, I just have to drum up interest? And you don't mind... how I do this?"
SM: "Oh no, use whatever means necessary. I have found naked jail-bait and glittering douchebags to be an excellent marketing ploy."
BP: "Sure, yeah, you pretend I'm gonna go with that."
SM: "I will just ghost through your little site and see if it is working."
BP: "GHOST IS NOT A VERB!"

And then she dies. Fin.

Posted by: shamed in the shadows at January 12, 2010 4:07 PM

PRISCO, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

Posted by: duckandcover at January 12, 2010 4:08 PM

Well, hello there, BarbadoSlim...I just sent PissBoy out for more beer. You old enough to drink yet? No? Good.

Posted by: Your Mom at January 12, 2010 4:20 PM

OK, as much as I love Prisco's description and all the giggling, snarking and bashing, a moment of seriousness:

If you want to read any Twilight books, or see any Twilight movies, I implore you to check them out from the library, borrow from a friend, or buy a used copy somewhere. When you spend money on Twilight stuff @ retail, you put money in Stephanie Meyer's pocket. Enormous amounts of money. Which she will put in the pockets of the Mormon Church. Which the Mormon Church will use to fund massive campaigns/TV advertising against gay marriage rights in CA, Maine and everywhere else.

Yes, I know, this could start a long and torturous argument about "should I refuse to enjoy any art made by a less than saintly human being in protest of its creator's sins" and "it's stupid not to see a Tom Cruise movie because you hate Scientology, because there's tons of actors you just don't *know* are into Scientology and you watch their movies in blissful ignorance." I acknowledge the validity of both sides of these arguments. I'm not suggesting that you not partake of Twilight, or any other art, if you are interested in it. Just try to do it without contributing money to it. I do realize that some of my favorite artists probably have political views I disagree with and I just don't know it. However, I do think that any artist, entertainer or public figure who states their views openly should expect those views to influence their audience's perception and reception of their art.

In summation, it's pretty clear that Twilight $$$ = Anti-Gay Marriage coffers. Directly. If that bothers you, don't pay for Twilight shit. Beg, borrow or steal instead. Or ignore!

Posted by: MM at January 12, 2010 4:25 PM

If the commenters read the books (seriously, we all know a Twitard who'd aggressively shove those books in your hands, down your throat, up you ass ..), the rage would be all the more potent, because you'd actually see this mindfuckery in action. In all its glorious, thesaurus-raping action.

I'm currently on New Moon, and it's all about how Bella's moving on from Edward to Jacob and it's so fucking obvious he's healthier (Bella admits it), better (she admits that, too), and just so much more loving to her (a different kind of love than the she-has-no-reason-to-love-him-other-than-uhhhh-JUSTBECAUSEOK?! love she has for Edward) that it hurts. It's like rewinding a Lifetime movie and trying to keep up with the details. Fucking A.

She seriously goes through this entire book screaming about this dude who dumps her, and there's not one reason why or how Edward made her life better so as to explain why she wakes up screaming. Nowhere. Absolutely. Nowhere. He never made her smile or laugh, he always pushed her away, he thought she was fucking nuts and calls her stupid, and his family verbally abuses her at some points in time. Then he goes, "k, I'm leaving like, forever, after I introduced you to this other world, because clearly, like, you'll be safe and junk while me and my family like, go away and stuff, because there was only that one vampire in the last book who wanted to kill you, y'know? STOP BEING STUPID, BELLA. STOP CRYING. JESUS CHRIST."

The majority of the book is about how Jacob is great, how she loves his family (werewolf and human), how he's her "personal sun," and would accept all parts of her, even the crazy parts (she hears her ex-boyfriend's voice in her mind when she's in danger). It's amazing how this is a gigantic pile of shit being eaten by so many young girls to have lifeless, dull boyfriends who treat them like crap as opposed to guys who may genuinely care for them.

omg, potent rage. Potent, potent rage.

Posted by: duckandcover at January 12, 2010 4:36 PM

Wait, you're not SUPPOSED to wake up all covered with bruises and feathers?

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at January 12, 2010 5:00 PM

Lindsey with an 'e,' shhhh! I told you: our little secret.

Posted by: Your Mom at January 12, 2010 5:15 PM

So I'm talking about "Twilight" with my First Nations Studies 12 class, and I tell them all I'm on Team Jacob, which makes them all puff up with teenage pride. I say it's because I love me some Taylor Lautner and his man abs, and then I joke that I have a poster of him on the ceiling.

And then one of my kids raises his hand and drops the following bomb: "Uh, Miss S., you know Taylor is like, our age, right?" Cue me standing in front of thirty seventeen year old kids, wishing I was dead.

And that, friends, is why adult women should just leave Twilight to the tweens.

Posted by: teacupnosaucer at January 12, 2010 5:18 PM

Oh, sorry. What happens in Pajiba stays in Pajiba...

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at January 12, 2010 5:18 PM

I started to read your summary of the plot and got bored...couldn't even finish a four point summary of this thing.

Posted by: Littlejon2001 at January 12, 2010 5:51 PM

LWAE, WHAT????? Its does???? Crap I gotta go delete, like, a Lot of stuff.

Uh Twishite. I just.....why is it?..Its so...who allowed it to be published?..... I......My head hurts from the stupidity of it.
What is wrong with our children!!! (not my children I dont have kids and if I did they would not be reading this.....shit pile, Stepahanie Meyers is a pigdog)
Who can allow their daughters to read this and think that its romantic? I can see it now in 10 years domestic abuse will have gone up 65% by men sick of having their other halves throwing glitter on them screaming 'Beat me Edward it means you LURVE me!!!! Beat me Hard!'

Posted by: Nieve 'The Threadkiller Queen' at January 12, 2010 6:12 PM

I CANNOT WAIT for this to be reviewed by Pajiba. Please, please, PLEASE Godtopus, hear my prayer, and let Prisco and jM do a real-time roundtable review of it. They're both geniuses at the RTRs.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at January 12, 2010 6:29 PM

Did I ever tell you guys Nieve straight up banned me from reading the Twilight books?
True Story, our younger brother, a voracious reader, was given the books as a gift and worked his way through them with a constant look of baffled bafflement.
Nieve, to find out what this whole 'Twilight' thing was all about, (books and film) read the first one to satisfy morbid curiosity and to uncover the truth between our brothers state of confusion.
It took her less than a week and afterwards, she banned me from reading it. Not like 'dont read it, you'll hate it' I mean she basically told me that if i so much as touched a Twilight book, it would be like when the Cursed coin falls in the sea in Pirates of the Caribbean.
A TONE would sound on a level not audible by mere men.
Like Geoffrey Rush in a pimp hat, Nieve will fly across land and sea, knocking down all in her path, to smack the book out of my hands and in all liklihood, cut me.

Those of you who know us on Facebook will know how likely it is that not only will that happen, but Nieve described it in those exact words.

Posted by: Nadine at January 12, 2010 6:36 PM

That is true.

Cept for the fact that the youngest didnt read the books. He was given the first one as a gift but my mum and I were told they were 'erotic' so my mum asked me to read it and make sure it was suitable. It wasnt, not in an erotic sense in more of a OMFG I cannot not let the baby genius read this it will destroy his Cambridge bound brain.
I can read a book in two hours or less. Twishite took me over a week. Its so damn boring. Anyway Neither Nadine nor the baby are allowed to read them. Ever.
Nadines brain will be irreversibly damaged. Not cos she's weak or lame but because she as a writer is amazing, and for her to see this dreck getting published??? She would lapse into a catatonic coma or go on a killing spree and as Iv already bought my own murder tank its feeding tube time for her.

Posted by: Nieve 'The Threadkiller Queen' at January 12, 2010 6:48 PM

"She would lapse into a catatonic coma or go on a killing spree"

I'm already on several powerful sedatives to keep me from straight up killing the shit out of somebody

Posted by: Nadine at January 12, 2010 6:51 PM

I think that Edward rips open Bella's womb with his teeth - not the baby - but yeah - not sure - either way ew..

Posted by: eden at January 12, 2010 8:00 PM

P.S. Not everyone who likes Paramore is a Twitard *sticks out tongue* Pbbbbbbt!

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at January 12, 2010 8:25 PM

I heard about this bullshit which is why I successfully won the stand-off with my daughter and didn't take her to see New Moon or the one before that. Bullshit crapfest.

Posted by: Candy at January 12, 2010 8:25 PM

When Twilight first became a "thing", I saw all these teens etc. who were obsessing over it, I was terribly confused. For some reason I confused the book Twilight, with one of the three books in the series written by Elie Wiesel about the Holocaust.

Now it turns out that series is Night, Dawn, and Day... But for some reason I thought it was Night Dawn and Twilight... (Whatever, it makes sense) So whenever I heard about the "twilight series" I thought, "Gee, I mean, I'm glad they are learning about the holocaust in school and all, but they seem a little, erm, enthusiastic about it given the subject matter. Needless to say, I was rather perturbed.

When I found out the real story behind the series, I didn't feel any better.


Posted by: rhombus at January 12, 2010 9:17 PM

Gah.
I'm so glad I haven't read this crap.
WTF? I can't even wrap my mind around how bad this is.

Posted by: Jami at January 12, 2010 10:01 PM

Great news, y'all! We don't have to worry about Twilight rotting the kids brains. The 28 year old men are taking the brain damage for them!

Posted by: Gabs at January 12, 2010 10:28 PM

It will all go away soon and the girls who love this shit will laugh about it when they're older while dabbing more concealer on the bruises left by their loving husband who really does love her no matter what her friends say because they don't understand this kind of love and they're just jealous and what kind of person tries to break up true love when they're stuck with some pussy who doesn't even care enough to get really mad and bash the shit out them so they deserve pity instead of being allowed to naysay my passionate relationship and where did my kids go is someone watching that handsome hairy neighbor who keeps saying he loves me and maybe I'll invite him over sometime for pigs in a blanket and sex to see if he could be my one true love.

Posted by: Kballs at January 13, 2010 8:55 AM

I realize I belabored this point on the New Moon review, but I'll state it here again in case it bears repeating.

I'm all for Prisco mocking mercilessly the absurd clusterfuck that is Twilight's endgame. I'm decidedly less enthusiastic about the cheerful encouragement of censorship or restricting young people's access to reading material. Things like:


- Meyers is somehow corrupting the imagination of the world and we need to stop it because this shit right here is pure madness.

- Twilight is an act of child abuse and negligence at best

- the youngest didnt read the books. He was given the first one as a gift but my mum and I were told they were 'erotic' so my mum asked me to read it and make sure it was suitable. It wasnt, not in an erotic sense in more of a OMFG I cannot not let the baby genius read this

- I heard about this bullshit which is why I successfully won the stand-off with my daughter and didn't take her to see New Moon or the one before that. Bullshit crapfest.

Harsh criticism of insipid YA fiction is one thing, but seriously people: what the fuck? Blanket statements about banning books may be just hyperbole that I fail to see the humor in, ok, but if you have an actual young person in your sphere of influence and you're forbidding them from reading certain books then I repeat: what the fuck?

I know this argument would fall on deaf ears if I delivered it to hyper-conservative or achievement-pushing or religiously strict parents but this is Pajiba and you should know better. Censorship and other authoritarian responses to art (yeah, even Twilight) is wrong. And not only that, it's ineffective and harmful. It makes the forbidden material seem even more attractive and encourages them to experience it away from you, in secret, where they don't have the benefit of being able to discuss the issues that might come up.

Is it that fucking hard to talk to the kids? Let them read the books and then discuss the goddamn books with them! Address the issues of domestic violence, obsessive behavior, stalking, all-or-nothing life or death reactions to high school relationships, sex and pregnancy, etc, etc. Give the kids a little bit of credit instead of always going for controlling/ protecting. By that age they know far more than you realize and are capable of a lot more than you give them credit for.

Candy, I'm disappointed. Your daughter wanted to see a movie with you for her birthday? Oh, but you won that standoff. (Maybe we differ in our definition of 'win')

And Nieve, how old is the baby genius? When do you lift the ban on erotic fiction? Because I'm guessing if he's old enough to read Twilight he knows about tits and ass and where to stick a dick. It shouldn't be a forbidden topic. If the adults in the house aren't comfortable talking about it at least let him read Henry James and D.H. Lawrence, or at least Anne Rice and Steven King. Otherwise you're leaving him alone out there with Tila Tequila, Britney Spears, and his fucked up peer group.

Posted by: Yossarian at January 13, 2010 9:45 AM

You know, from the descriptions of the nastiness of Sparkeletta's birth, I'm imagining it looks a lot like the right-hand side banner ad for vegetarianism....

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 13, 2010 9:49 AM

addendum: Sorry for coming off a little harsh up there. And for violating no-whining Wednesday and for ripping into a few (relatively) new posters by name. I was trying to make a point that I feel strongly about but I don't know enough about anyone's specific situation for my opinion to count for shit.

It's just a topic that bothers me. Here's another example: A friend of mine with a really amazing, bright, wonderful tween daughter came to me with a dilemma. His daughter wanted to read Anna Karenina. It's an ambitious book to tackle at that age and, bright as she is, she would probably struggle her way through it and have trouble following everything that is going on. Still, how great is it that she wanted to try?

Well, not so great for Dad, who wanted recommendations on other, less adult, less challenging books he could steer her toward. Essentially he wanted to enlist my help in dumbing down his daughters ambition, either because he was afraid of the sexual content of the book or just didn't believe in his kid enough to support her aiming way above her grade level. In either case, fuck him.

Posted by: Yossarian at January 13, 2010 10:01 AM

Yossarian please do not swear in reference to my brother. I understand you are making a point but swearing in refernce to my family members will make me lose all respect for you and dismiss the point you are attempting to make.

That being said,
My brother has actually read the books you mentioned (and them some), he is the the special and gifted class at his school and always scores way above his age group in standadised tests. Yes he is old enough to know about 'tits and ass' but he and his friends are not hormone driven teenagers but well rounded, intelligent individuals they are in no way 'Fucked up'. I have no problem with him reading erotic lit, I have a problem with him reading books that promotes abusive relationships between men and women, have grammar and punctuality that looks like it was written by a six year old and has a story line is the wet dream of a socially awkward high school loser.

We do have intelligent discussions about actual literature but Twilight can barely be called reading material. I explained the book and what I got from it to him and told him to read it if he wanted. He asked if I could take him to waterstones to buy something better as he read 'some reviews on it and it looks really crap'

Also is it so wrong to want to keep a kid a kid and not constantly expose them to grown up themes? Kids grow up far too fast these days.

Posted by: Nieve 'The Threadkiller Queen' at January 13, 2010 12:09 PM

@Nieve

Again, I apologize for getting carried away above. I meant no offense to any real people out there.


is it so wrong to want to keep a kid a kid and not constantly expose them to grown up themes?

Well, that's a difficult question. Certainly you want to preserve childhood innocence and not rush them into being jaded, cynical, and desensitized. However there are limits to how protective you can be before you are actually impeding their development and the ability to deal with things that they will be faced with as they grow up.

It's a difficult balance to strike. A lot of parents don't bother to care and let their kids grow up with minimal supervision and guidance, letting the chips fall where they may. I don't agree with that, but I think it can be just as harmful to be over-protective, to try and insulate kids from the world outside (especially SEX) and then leave them ill-equipped to deal with that stuff when it inevitably comes up, usually much sooner than parents (or children) are ready for. That's when you start to see the parent-child relationship start to break down in the teenage years, because they can't make the transition to communicating as adults when they are ready to leave childish things behind. If you don't start at least laying the groundwork by 12-14 you are going to start to loose them at 15-17.

Also, I'm just speculating here, but in my experience even the intelligent and well-rounded kids are, at that age, aware of and interested in sex, sexuality, girls (or boys), whatever. I didn't mean to imply they were all little deviants, on the contrary I think it's all a part of being 'well-rounded'. And the strong language I used wasn't just to be crude, but to make a point that anything I'm saying here is probably already in their vocabulary, too.

But if you give the kid information and let him decide on his own that Twilight wasn't worth it, that's great. That isn't what I inferred from your earlier comment but I was just reacting to the general sentiment that we should actively prevent interested kids from reading these (or any) books.

Posted by: Yossarian at January 13, 2010 12:52 PM

Yossarian, thanks for the comments-I didnt mean to jump down you're throat I just get a bit mama bear with my little bro. I understand its a tricky line, I'd just prefer if my bro read straight up play boy or if kids were going to read twilightesque stories at least read better written ones.

Posted by: Nieve 'The Threadkiller Queen' at January 13, 2010 6:32 PM

I have to agree. If you want sexy vampire fiction, then Ann Rice is at least well-written and deals with deeper philosophical issues such as the nature of good and evil and the sex/death duality of the vampire myth (that True Blood also deals with rather well) rather than just "OMG teh hottness sparkle!". Twilight is an absolute insult to the vampire genre.

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Posted by: Marguerite Pushcar at January 29, 2010 5:50 PM

(I'm with Yossarian on the censorship/parenting thing -- and yes, I am a parent. )

I read every word of all four of those piece of shit novels. If I'm going to be contemptuously dismissing something as badly written, absurd garbage, I'd better be armed with complete information -- and boy, am I. (And ditto to "get it at the library" -- there was no way I was going to contribute any more money to this woman and her anti-gay church. Fuck that shit.)

So, no need to see the movies -- though I swear, once Breaking Dawn is out on video I may HAVE to see it just to satisfy my curiousity about how on EARTH they dealt with all that ungodly bullshit. On the other hand... that's why I have Pajiba.

I agree with whoever made the remark about Edward giving Bella absolutely NO reason to love him, Jacob obviously being totally good for her -- and the moronic absurdity of her pining for and ultimately choosing Edward anyway. And the goddamned disgusting messages about violence and love and sex -- ALL of it, it's all so fucking true.

What kills me about the MOVIE versions of these prosaic abortions, I can sum up in two words: Taylor Lautner.

Every time I see that mug of his, I want to throw up. They STACKED THE DECK, as if it weren't already narratively stacked, in Edward's favour, by casting a TROGLODYTE as Jacob! Taylor Lautner has to have one of the BUTT-UGLIEST faces I have ever seen on a purported "heart-throb" -- EVER. What the fucking FUCK? So, no chance at ALL for any of the teeny-boppers to lean even more than half-heartedly toward the guy she ought to choose, really, because... LOOK at him. I mean, the guy playing Edward is a DREAMBOAT, and the guy playing Jacob is... a pig-nosed TROLL. Don't talk to me about abs. You don't gaze longingly into someone's abs and see his soul.

Yuck.

I'm all over the place, here, but everyone's pretty much covered all the really relevant bases, and this Lautner thing's been sticking in my craw ever since he started appearing on every fucking red carpet that gets rolled out in Hollywood. Great management team, I'll grant him that, but after this? He'll be playing bad guys if he's LUCKY to maintain a consistent career. Wake up, kid. Don't listen to the Tiger Beat PR bullshit -- you are NOT "hot."

Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at March 12, 2010 10:47 PM

OMG! Just a few more days left before the third one comes out. Dying to watch it on big screen. LoL I am hearing a lot of positive things about this one. Wondering how it is going to turn out?

Posted by: Freebies at June 14, 2010 5:02 PM

taylor lautner made the twighlight movies bearable...i didn't like them except for taylor's parts!

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Posted by: HP at October 3, 2010 4:09 PM

I don't worry about what any one says. I love the Twilight movie and I enjoy the books. I might be a guy, but a good series is a wonderful series. >.

Posted by: Fidelia Wachal at October 10, 2010 6:14 AM

The Twilight movies are fantastic and the books are ever additional charming and tough to put down. I cannot wait until the next movies are out so that us fans will engross ourselves with more of this unbelievable story of true love.

Posted by: Lita Desforges at October 17, 2010 1:48 PM

The Twilight movies are fantastic and also the books are ever more charming and tough to put down. I cannot wait until the subsequent movies are released so that us fans will emerss ourselves with even more of this incredible story of true love.

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