Breaking Dawn Offered to Oscar Winners

I Doubt My Commitment to Sparkle Motion

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (30)

Sources deep within Summit Pictures have leaked news on the director of Twilight: Breaking Dawn, and yes they’re going the high class Oscar route. They’ve asked three Oscar winning directors (Sofia Coppola, Bill Condon and Gus Van Sant) to head up the rumored two part finale to the film series. They’ve got to know that anybody with an ounce of artistic integrity would rather give handjobs to the homeless than helm this project and so have to ask everyone in the Oscar phone book in hopes of stumbling on someone with a bad enough coke habit to take the job. Either that or they’re aiming for the Voltron approach to film directing.

Can you imagine though if one of them took the job on a whim? Think of the possibilities of a great director taking over this film out of pure nihilistic spite. Everyone always tells writers to write what they know, that if you don’t love the story it will shine through. But what if you loathe the subject matter? Can you imagine the vitriolic hate fuck catharsis of just savaging this franchise? Act I: Edward falls into a meat grinder. Act II: The Revelation of Bella’s Penis. Act III: Jacob fucks a goat.

I’d pay to see that.

(source: FilmDrunk)

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Comments

What is the Voltron approach to film directing?

Posted by: EricD at March 17, 2010 9:16 AM

Any one of them will do it...if the price is right. 50% box office!

Posted by: admin at March 17, 2010 9:31 AM

I'd pay anything in the whole wide world to see Guillermo del Toro direct a Twilight film.

Imagine the little twitards running into the theater, their backne glistening, their 4 extra pairs of panties in their pockets,their minds as empty as Taylor Swift's reserve of talent...Then BAM! Edward is taking a cheese grater to his skin to remove the sparkles, and Bella is putting glass in some hamburger meat for Jacob...It would be glorious, like promoting a carebear live action play, and filling the cast list with Arctodus Simus.(Really old big fucking bears)

Posted by: Robb at March 17, 2010 9:46 AM

Two words:

Coen Brothers

Posted by: , at March 17, 2010 9:59 AM

"Do they call me Patrick the wall builder? No. But fuck ONE DAMNED GOAT!"

Yeah, I'd pay to watch the movie you outlined. However, if that's movie one, is movie two just 90 minutes of "Polar bear in a snowstorm" with a Pink Floyd soundtrack?

Posted by: Uncle JR at March 17, 2010 10:04 AM

Eli Roth, we have found your dream project.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at March 17, 2010 10:19 AM

Two words:

~~Coen Brothers~~

Uwe Boll.

Name his price, and I would pay to see it.

Posted by: branded at March 17, 2010 10:22 AM

OK, I did a quick search of the internets for Voltron and I have no idea how this relates to directing a movie, unless you get five directors who ride mechanical lions who can come together in an orgy of Transformer thingies and live on the planet Anus.

Posted by: BWeaves at March 17, 2010 10:39 AM

Name his price, and I would pay to see it.

$5?

Posted by: twig at March 17, 2010 10:49 AM

Do Lars Von Trier or Michael Haneke have Oscars? If not, SOMEONE GET THEM OSCARS NOW!!!

Posted by: jM at March 17, 2010 10:52 AM

Uwe Boll.
Name his price, and I would pay to see it.

That's a brilliant idea! He already did a vampire movie too (Blood Rayne), so we know he wants to do it. Maybe this means that, just like Blood Rayne, Ben Kingsly will inexplicably be in it along with Michelle Rodriguez doing a British accent.

Oh, but he only does video-game-inspired movies. Shit! Dreams killed.

Posted by: SassafrassGreen at March 17, 2010 10:52 AM

The studio would never let that happen to the property. If they can fire David Slade's editor in order to rehash the one from the first film, I think it's safe to say they have a pretty tight grip on things.

That said, I agree with the suggestion floating about the Internets to hire David Cronenberg, as well as the Coens, Dr. Boll, and Eli Roth. Better still, why not hire Tarantino to write AND direct it? I can just imagine the half hour birthing scene juxtaposed with a conversation on the symbolism present in A Clockwork Orange. Can you say "Edward tears out her uterus with his bloody fangs to the tune of Singing in the Rain"?

They're gonna neuter the shit out of this flick, aren't they?

Posted by: DoctorControversy at March 17, 2010 11:28 AM

Enlighten us, o great one. What exactly IS the Voltron school of directing? And how can I join? Cuz I wants me some mechanical lions, those would make my daily commute to work ossum!

Posted by: Stella at March 17, 2010 11:30 AM

I see others have mentioned Cronenberg already. But seriously. (Spoiler, I guess.) Cesarean by vampire teeth? That has Cronenberg written all over it...

Posted by: sistercoyote at March 17, 2010 11:56 AM

I'm going to be horribly pedantic here; only two of them are Oscar winners, but for screenplay (Condon and Coppola). Van Sant has been nominated twice for directing but has never won.

Posted by: Joseph J. Finn at March 17, 2010 12:03 PM

Oh, but he only does video-game-inspired movies. Shit! Dreams killed.

Posted by: SassafrassGreen at March 17, 2010 10:52 AM

Don't worry. Twilight will be a video game by the time they get around to directing this.

Posted by: BWeaves at March 17, 2010 12:04 PM

I think the Voltron thing means that every one of these damn movies has a different director, and they all came together to build a mecha-sized pile of steaming shit.

I'm a genius.

Posted by: figgy at March 17, 2010 12:07 PM

"they all came together to build a mecha-sized pile of steaming shit."

Huh. Makes sense. Ok, so why you gotta insult Voltron, Mr Condescending Blogger Man??

Posted by: Stella at March 17, 2010 12:11 PM

Hmmm. I don't know if a nerd like SLW would insult Voltron (probably dressed up as Lotar as a kid), I think he's just using a pretty good metaphor ;)

Posted by: figgy at March 17, 2010 12:20 PM

Give it to Lars Von Trier!

Posted by: MikeyLikesIt at March 17, 2010 12:32 PM

Voltron is assembled by building a giant robot out of a bunch of smaller robots. The logic (which only works in so-bad-it's-awesome science fiction and fantasy) is that if you take five badass things, all you have to do to make it five times as badass is to staple five of said things together. As in: if we want our film to be three times as awesome, we'll just hire three good directors...

So to summarize:

1. In the context of awesomely bad stories, the Voltron approach is hilariously awesome.

2. In the context of reality, the Voltron approach is effectively equivalent to the human centipede.

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at March 17, 2010 1:09 PM

I hate Twilight, but love Donnie Darko, and once played on an ultimate team called Sparkle Motion. Therefore, I love the title to this post.

Posted by: jmag at March 17, 2010 2:32 PM

Oh my, this post and thread made my day! As for Cronenberg, hells yah! I wouldn't mind some twisted Twilight with Edward going ape shit on Bella and Jacob fucks every non-human and human he finds, contracting rabies and dying in Bella's arms while Edward lurks and cries since he finally realized it was Jacob he loved all along.

Is there a petition? My name is on that list if there is.

Posted by: Tallulahc at March 17, 2010 3:09 PM

Breaking Dawn is batshit insane, and I hope to god they keep EVERY DAMN PLOT POINT in the movie. Edward fucking the living shit out of Bella in an explosion of bruised limbs and white pillow feathers, Jacob falling instantly in love with an infant as she's pulled out her mother's mangled, bloodied corpse, the all-powerful all singing all dancing crap of the world Volturi flying in from Italy to kick everyone's ass and then...talking politely and walking away. fin.

THIS MOVIE MUST BE MADE.

Posted by: Dingles at March 17, 2010 7:06 PM

four more words: farrelly brothers. ben stiller.

::said in booming voice by that dead "in a world..." guy who used to do all the movie trailers::

Ben Stiller stars as the heartbreak kid in The Heartbreak Kid 2: There's Something About Bella.

::'splode::

and there go my brains all over the wall.

Posted by: stopthemadness at March 17, 2010 10:59 PM

In a desperate move, the producers of the Twilight movies series have resorted to asking for the services of deceased directors. After being turned down by Alfred Hitchcock and Billy Wilder, we now join them as they ask Orson Welles for his input...

Producer #1: So Orsen we'd like to direct the last of our Twilight movie saga...

Orson: So these are vampires...but they walk around in the sunlight, don't feed on human blood, and are not monsters?

Producer #2: Yes that's right.

Orson: That's just stupid if you pardon my saying so. Get me a jury that says that vampires don't die in sunlight but just sparkle and I'll go down on you.

Produce #3: But Orson, these are base on a very popular line of books...

Orson: This is a load of shit, that's what this is. Tell me sir, in the depths of your ignorance how do these sniveling twits qualify as vampires? And don't get me started on what passes for a werewolf...

Producer #1: Actually they're more like shapeshifters, except they can only change into actual wolves and...

Orson: Wait, don't tell me...you have a mummy too only he was never dead to begin with, right?

Producer #2: Ah...no not...

Orson: Well, maybe you should. Lon Chaney, Jr. and Bela Lugosi would have died of shame from this... if they hadn't already.

Producer #3: Orson, it's really supposed to be a supernatural tinged love story.

Orson: Jeezus, no amount of money is worth this...(gets up and leaves, grabbing some craft service on the way out.) First blue natives from Mars becomes the top movie and now this!
*SLAM

The search continues...

Posted by: bleujayone at March 18, 2010 3:48 AM

@Bleujayone, Orson Welles and Maurice LaMarche both thank you for the justice you've done.

Posted by: DoctorControversy at March 18, 2010 10:43 AM

What if Wes Anderson directed Breaking Dawn? Think about it, Bill Murray could be Bella's dad; Anjelica Huston could be Bella's mom; Owen Wilson would be Edward and Ben Stiller would be Jacob; Cate Blanchete could be Bella. Scored by Mark Mothersbaugh and including songs from the entire catalog of David Bowie.

Wait, did I just remake The Life Aquatic in the Sparkletard universe?

Posted by: DoctorControversy at March 18, 2010 10:46 AM

To be honest... I don't think even the most hatred ridden director could come up with something worse than is actually in the book (the birth scene! the imprinting!)

Posted by: fionna at March 18, 2010 4:35 PM

Wow. Thank you for the one laugh I've had all day. Truly magnicificent post and an absolutely wonderful idea.

Posted by: Whit at March 18, 2010 4:58 PM

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I Doubt My Commitment to Sparkle Motion

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