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January 28, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | January 28, 2009 |

You ever feel like your heart is going to seize up on you? For the last 20 minutes or so, my heart has been gasping like a Bugs Bunny death scene. Like its hands are around its throat, and it keeps screaming, “MURDER! MURDER!” but it won’t quite give out on me. It’s a shame, too, because now I have no choice but to bring you the news that the Bonnie and Clyde story is set to be reimagined.

That’s right: It’s not exactly a remake of the of the 1967 classic, it’s a different adaption of the Bonnie and Clyde story. You know: Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow, two outlaws who robbed banks and killed nine police officers and committed several other murders, who were shot by a posse of Texas and Louisiana police officers in an ambush.

Sounds pretty fascinating, huh? No reason the Bonnie and Clyde story can’t be repurposed, right? That’s basically what Natural Born Killers was, right? I could totally envision another, more modern approach: Lots of gunfire, plenty of visceral gore, sympathetic murderers, a dark, somber end and a slew of Oscar nominat …

… Wait? What’s that? Who? No. Nonononono. Really? You’re fucking with me, right? The singer? The blond? With the teeth? Are you serious?

As a heart attack.

Yes, folks: Hilary Duff (that’s one L, two Ds, and three brain cells) is set to play Bonnie Parker in a new film about the outlaw gangsters. Tonya S. Holly will direct from her own script. This guy is going to play Clyde:


You know that part in that New Kids on the Block song, “The Right Stuff,” where they yell, “We’re Rough!” right before waving their hands in the air like a bunch of goddamn ninnies? Yeah. That’s this movie.

Welcome to Wednesday, people.

At Least They Die in the End / Dustin Rowles

Industry | January 28, 2009 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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