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They’re Young. They’re in Love. They Rob Banks. And They’re Plastic

At Least They Die in the End / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | January 28, 2009 | Comments (66)

You ever feel like your heart is going to seize up on you? For the last 20 minutes or so, my heart has been gasping like a Bugs Bunny death scene. Like its hands are around its throat, and it keeps screaming, “MURDER! MURDER!” but it won’t quite give out on me. It’s a shame, too, because now I have no choice but to bring you the news that the Bonnie and Clyde story is set to be reimagined.

That’s right: It’s not exactly a remake of the of the 1967 classic, it’s a different adaption of the Bonnie and Clyde story. You know: Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow, two outlaws who robbed banks and killed nine police officers and committed several other murders, who were shot by a posse of Texas and Louisiana police officers in an ambush.

Sounds pretty fascinating, huh? No reason the Bonnie and Clyde story can’t be repurposed, right? That’s basically what Natural Born Killers was, right? I could totally envision another, more modern approach: Lots of gunfire, plenty of visceral gore, sympathetic murderers, a dark, somber end and a slew of Oscar nominat …

… Wait? What’s that? Who? No. Nonononono. Really? You’re fucking with me, right? The singer? The blond? With the teeth? Are you serious?

As a heart attack.

Yes, folks: Hilary Duff (that’s one L, two Ds, and three brain cells) is set to play Bonnie Parker in a new film about the outlaw gangsters. Tonya S. Holly will direct from her own script. This guy is going to play Clyde:

kevin-zegers.jpg

You know that part in that New Kids on the Block song, “The Right Stuff,” where they yell, “We’re Rough!” right before waving their hands in the air like a bunch of goddamn ninnies? Yeah. That’s this movie.

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Comments

the word "ninnies" is a gift that keeps on giving.

now to wipe the coffee spray off my screen...

Posted by: Carla Girlpants at January 28, 2009 9:59 AM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

The soundtrack will be glorious.

Posted by: admin at January 28, 2009 10:02 AM

First, I drive 2 1/2 hours in the the frakkin' snow to get to work to make a buck, then I found out my NAME is being sullied by these twits!!! WTF????

Oh, sweet Jeebus lord of doughnuts, please please kill me now.

Are you flirtin' with me, flirty boy? You just made MY SHIT LIIIIIST!

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 28, 2009 10:02 AM

Looks like Avril Lavigne is going to be getting paid for some soundtrack work, son.

Posted by: branded at January 28, 2009 10:04 AM

Editor People:

When the ads are along the left hand side of the page, I can't adjuts the page to hide them as I could when they were on the right. When I can't adjust the page to hide them, I can't visit this website while at work. If I can't visit this website while at work, you will lose the bulk of my site visits (and perhaps those of others?).

Maybe it's just me, but unfortunately I'm outta.

Regards,
kalafraja

Posted by: kalafraja at January 28, 2009 10:05 AM

Hillary Duff stars in Disney's:

Bonnie Maguire, the story of a sassy high schooler who goes on a hilarious murder and mayhem spree in order to get to Hollywood and launch a singing career.

Cameos by: all your favorite Disney slutletards ...who aren't in rehab.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 28, 2009 10:06 AM

Hold up--is that the kid from Air Bud?

Posted by: Lucie at January 28, 2009 10:09 AM

Screenplay with Miley Cyrus as Lizzie Borden greenlighted in 3... 2... 1...

Posted by: Antietam at January 28, 2009 10:10 AM

**GASP!!!!!!****

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Posted by: boo at January 28, 2009 10:12 AM

Screenplay with Miley Cyrus as Lizzie Borden greenlighted in 3... 2... 1...

Posted by: Antietam at January 28, 2009 10:10 AM

*cue the chorus*


"..don't you wish you had an AX on your wall..."

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 28, 2009 10:13 AM

You know that part in that New Kids on the Block song, "The Right Stuff," where they yell, "We're Rough!"

No, that was "Hangin Tough". I'm more certain than I want to be on that.

If they use the Dean Wareham 'n' Laetitia Sadier version of the Serge Gainsbourg song then I won't mind it existing so much. I have no attachment to the Beatty/Dunaway movie, but this still sounds like taking "Bugsy Malone" a step too far.

Posted by: Jay at January 28, 2009 10:14 AM

I get the fact that hollywood likes to do remakes, and that they remake so they can show it to a younger generation, with their fast cuts and loud music. But you know what. Fuck that. Get of my lawn. (shakes cane)

Posted by: badalamenti at January 28, 2009 10:14 AM

No, I thought that this kind of thing was impossible, but this!

What's next, a sequel to Alvin and the Chipmunks, a remake of A Christmas Carol with Jim Carey in 4 roles, a remake of Hellraiser, a sequel to Transformers? What, they're all coming out this year? This can't get any worse. Damn you Lizzie McGuire!

Posted by: George at January 28, 2009 10:15 AM

"..don't you wish you had an AX on your wall..."

I do, and I've been saving for a very special occasion.

Skit, Shadows, or WHOEVER has the fucking keys to the MurderTank: COME. GET. ME. NOW.

Posted by: boo at January 28, 2009 10:15 AM

Maybe it's a version for kids? Maybe it'll be like a comedy-style shoot 'em up, with the stars dressed in over-sized trench coats and water guns?
If I think about it in that way, I can just ignore the news altogether.

Posted by: Cindy at January 28, 2009 10:19 AM

My generation gets Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty.

Your generation gets ... this.

I'd weep for your generation but I'm too busy

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAing at you.

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 28, 2009 10:19 AM

ummm...kalafraja...all you need to do it shrink your browser window and slide your bottom scroll bar into the middle. Voila! I am a simple man and I am not mechanically inclined. But I'm smart enough not to wipe shit up my own back...so I figured that out in about 7 seconds.

Posted by: PissBoy at January 28, 2009 10:21 AM

Hey, if Hilary Duff can reimagine The Diary of Anne Frank, then she can do Bonnie and Clyde. Seriously, once you've done a Holocaust movie, the world's open to all of your fuck ups. Especially if you play a victim/survivor...people will have to think twice before they make fun of you.

Posted by: Mike R. at January 28, 2009 10:22 AM

So which Jonas brother gets to play John Wayne Gacy bio pic: Killer Clown, Prison Artist?

Posted by: richmac at January 28, 2009 10:22 AM

i hate hollywood .
whats next a remake of million dollar baby starring kim kardashian ?

Posted by: gilp at January 28, 2009 10:23 AM

Ohhhh, Jay, Bugsy Malone!! I loved that movie when I was little. I used to irritate the crap out of my dad singing, "My name is Tallulah
I live till I die. I'll take what you give me
And I won't ask why..." Heee. Fun memory.

Also? What is that Duff girl famous for besides being that other Duff girl's sister? Has she been in stuff? I've only seen her in gum commercials. With her sister. Thus proving my point.

Posted by: Lainey at January 28, 2009 10:23 AM

If they use the Dean Wareham 'n' Laetitia Sadier version of the Serge Gainsbourg song then I won't mind it existing so much.

Jay, you know as well as I do that the entire movie will be these two, riding around in a convertable, with super soakers. Eventually they will run into the less talented (impossible yet some how true) Duff sister and hijinks will ensue.

The entire musical score will be Our Lips Are Sealed by the Duff sisters. On endless repeat.

So start minding!

Posted by: admin at January 28, 2009 10:24 AM

going to my happy place now...

oh, and that is for you, PissBoy

Posted by: boo at January 28, 2009 10:25 AM

awwwwww....boo. You sweet thing you. I just giggled.


...and I don't giggle. Unless I'm killing something.

"I want to cradle your organs in an Easter basket at Thanksgiving dinner." = poetry.

Posted by: PissBoy at January 28, 2009 10:33 AM

Jay sleeps with a Jordan Knight doll under his pillow.

Posted by: Julie at January 28, 2009 10:33 AM

What, they're all coming out this year? This can't get any worse.

I wish I could tell you that our favorite movies fought the good fight, and the remakes let them be. I wish I could tell you that - but Hollywood is no fairy-tale world. The movies never said who did it, but we all knew.

Every so often, our favorite movies would show up with fresh bruises. The remakes kept at them. Sometimes they were able to fight 'em off, sometimes not. And that's how it went for our movies. That was their routine.

Posted by: branded at January 28, 2009 10:37 AM

Also? What is that Duff girl famous for besides being that other Duff girl's sister? Has she been in stuff? I've only seen her in gum commercials. With her sister. Thus proving my point.

That's ironic, considering this Duff sister is the more famous one.

Just...just don't worry about it Lainey. It would require people revealing information they have no business knowing.

Posted by: Vermillion at January 28, 2009 10:38 AM

Who's going to play C.W Moss? Jack Osbourne?

Posted by: jM at January 28, 2009 10:43 AM

I have to admit, I never saw the original Bonnie and Clyde. Is it worth watching? Should I not even ask that question? I'll just stick it in the queue and slink away.

Posted by: Julie at January 28, 2009 10:46 AM

This is so predictably vanilla. Is it produced by MTV Films? Because it smells uncannily like vinegar and water, I'm just saying.


As blasphemous as this is, I just can't muster the proper level of ire to react to it. In fact, she makes me sleepy. Such is the effect that the Chiclet-Toothed Twunt has on me. She's like Tylenol PM.

Posted by: Clee Shay at January 28, 2009 10:46 AM

Screenplay with Miley Cyrus as Lizzie Borden greenlighted in 3... 2... 1...

You take that back Antietam. You take that back right now.

If that happens, so help me god, I will blame you. You will get 43 whacks. That Cyrus bitch will get 44.

Posted by: lizzieborden at January 28, 2009 10:53 AM

Branded

I saw what you did there.

Posted by: twig at January 28, 2009 10:54 AM

This will be the cinematic equal to every annoying couple who thinks it's cool to dress as Bonnie and Clyde for Halloween.

Let me guess: in this version, they only shoot people in the knee, they give the money they steal to the poor, and Clyde (spoiler!) is not impotent.

Could they only film the end of the movie? Oh, wait, I bet they escape to Mexico in the new one.

Posted by: brouhaha at January 28, 2009 10:57 AM

Hilary Duff (that's one L, two Ds, and three brain cells)

...

Are you referring to her boobies? Or do you perhaps mean "two Fs"?

Still a good line, though. Love you, D.

Posted by: Sean at January 28, 2009 10:58 AM

Julie: Yes, the original Bonnie and Clyde is definitely worth watching!

I think this new version "Bonnie and Clyde II: In My Pants" could work if they pick up right where the original left off. In other words, kill Bonnie and Clyde in a hail of gunfire during the first minute of the movie, and then follow up with everything that happens afterwards.

Posted by: BWeaves at January 28, 2009 11:01 AM

The entire musical score will be Our Lips Are Sealed by the Duff sisters

Befouling the memory of Jane Wiedlin and Terry Hall.

Jay sleeps with a Jordan Knight doll under his pillow.

No, I was forced to be involved in a little New Kids number in my 9th grade drama class, a group lip-sync. You could say the other three girls outvoted me. I was never so pedestrian!

Okay, I just wanted to use the word "pedestrian".

There was this sorta Metal Mexican kid in there who refused to believe that I liked U2, The Cure and Anthrax. He just insisted that I didn't.

And Lainey, Hilary's the one that's actually done a bunch of TV and a few movies, it's her sister who's....just a sister, I think (but that's commonly its own job these days in that koo-koo Hollywood.

Posted by: Jay at January 28, 2009 11:01 AM

Metal Mexican kid

Posted by: Jay at January 28, 2009 11:01 AM

*double take*

Now that I'm fully awake I guess the possibility of Iron Mendoza doesn't seem that far-fetched...

Posted by: Che Grovera at January 28, 2009 11:08 AM

Re-M*A*S*H with Dane Cook as Hawkeye and Spencer Pratt as Trapper?
Ben-Hur, starring The Rock?
Another Witness for the Prosecution, starring Hohan?

Take me, sweet cultural pessimism...

Posted by: muzz at January 28, 2009 11:12 AM

Yeah, I kind of realized after I posted that this Duff is the Duff I'm vaguely familiar with, as opposed to the other Duff. But then, I just didn't care anymore. They're both weird looking and bland to me. And didn't one of them used to date Nick Carter or something? Wasn't there some giant fight between her and another girl?

You know what? Don't tell me. I don't want to know more than I already know about the Duffs. I want to enjoy my snow day in peace.

Posted by: Lainey at January 28, 2009 11:13 AM

How the hell are those two puffballs going to rob a bank? Is Guy Whose Name I Can't Be Bothered To Look Up going to threaten to cry until the bank tellers hand over bags of money while Hillary Duff bares her teeth and threatens to knaw their arm off?

Posted by: stardust savant at January 28, 2009 11:18 AM

Excellent. I was looking for a reason to fly into a homicidal rage.

Posted by: TK at January 28, 2009 11:23 AM

Well, you know, there's subgenres of metal kids. He was kinda like the guys they meet in Albuquerque in "Depeche Mode 101", with the feathery sho-long option rather than the really long. Smartass but smooth, and with good skin (as opposed to Metal Crackers).

Posted by: Jay at January 28, 2009 11:25 AM

Thanks, twig. At least someone is on my wavelength, even if you may or may not find it entertaining!

Posted by: branded at January 28, 2009 11:33 AM

Gee, thanks PissBoy, I never would have figured that out without you.

You see, that works, you know, until you refresh the page, or click a different link, or whatever. And the ads always load more quickly than the rest of the post. Point is, it's silly to put the ads on that side of the page, and doesn't seem to be standard from what I've seen on other similar sites.

But, you'll never have those 7 seconds back, so at least there's that.

Posted by: kalafraja at January 28, 2009 11:45 AM

Screenplay with Miley Cyrus as Lizzie Borden greenlighted in 3... 2... 1...

Featuring the hit song on the OST, 'I've got you in my sights and I'm ready to chop you the hell up.'

Posted by: Gabs at January 28, 2009 11:48 AM

Isn't that the guy from Transamerica? I didn't see it, but he was some bitter prostitute in that, right? Although I know him as the cute boy from Air Bud.

But Hilary Duff? Lizzie fucking Maguire playing Bonnie? Jesus wept.

Posted by: Brie at January 28, 2009 12:17 PM

That picture of Hillary Duff looks like it's actually a Hillary Duff impersonator named Steve. To Steve I say, "lay off the eye pencil. You don't look fresh-faced or sexy. You look like a Hillary Duff impersonator named Steve."

And the eyes in the picture of Zach Effron follow you.

Posted by: Ava at January 28, 2009 12:34 PM

Ok people, enough is enough, lay off. We've all got to make a living and Hilary is old enough now that her parents won't buy her sugarcubes for her anymore.

Posted by: admin at January 28, 2009 12:38 PM

wow kala it must be a real pain in the dick to have to slide the scroll bar to the middle again after refreshing the page.

Posted by: PissBoy at January 28, 2009 12:47 PM

*fingers in ears*
LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA

Posted by: jamiepants at January 28, 2009 12:51 PM

PissBoy, it sort of is when I like to click around and see what's up, and I sit in a cubicle with my back open to the office. Oh well. I was merely expressing my opinion on a different site set-up, and noting that the page content seems to be getting eaten from both sides by advertising, before you started insulting my intelligence. I shall refrain from having an opinion in the future, if that's more in line with your preferences.

Posted by: kalafraja at January 28, 2009 1:18 PM

To be fair, the one-sided advertising was only there for a few months.

Posted by: Jay at January 28, 2009 1:27 PM

I have to say, Duff looks much better since she took out the choppers (post that picture).

Posted by: Eep at January 28, 2009 2:02 PM

...quite in line. Thank you. Free thinking is dangerous. It leads to things like AIDS and LoLCats. Please step into the queue for assimilation.

Posted by: PissBoy at January 28, 2009 2:22 PM

And I wasn't exactly insulting your intelligence as much as I was bragging about finally being able to wipe my own ass correctly.

Posted by: PissBoy at January 28, 2009 2:23 PM

LEAVE KEVIN ALONE! /Chris Crocker voice

Okay, so Hillary Duff isn't Felicity Huffman. Kid's got to pay the bills, right?

Posted by: corvus at January 28, 2009 3:25 PM

PissBoy, it's quite possible that I'm extra sensitive today, it's been a rough one...and pictures of half nekkid "sexy nurses" with their boobies hanging out displayed on my monitor don't help.

But, in any case, congratulations on your ass wiping success. Freud would be very proud.

Posted by: kalafraja at January 28, 2009 3:46 PM

Hilary Duff truly makes me happy.

I am almost never happy, so I appreciate her.

Bitterness is my Vitamin C.

She not for (most) Pajibians, but is for me.

Posted by: eroslane at January 28, 2009 4:50 PM

I think you will find that it may be more violent than you think. Hilary is definitely trying to sex up her image and appeal to an adult audience. She has almost exclusively been working with indie directors lately and anyone who saw War Inc (not many did) would have seen her swear, strip and gun down an audience with an AK47. Kevin Zegers also isn't averse to taking risks, as anyone who saw Transamerica could attest to. I am a biased Hilary Duff fanatic (a rarity around these parts, but Pajiba is the first thing I read in the morning) but I really think this project has potential.

Posted by: returnofthesmith at January 28, 2009 8:44 PM

Kevin Zegers is probably not the best idea ever for this movie but at list he can, like... you know... express like stuff with his, like, face, you know? Which can't really be said for WhatsHerNameHorseFace.

Posted by: Irina at January 29, 2009 1:35 AM

I am going to drown the world in my rage.

Posted by: chenry at January 29, 2009 11:02 AM

I totally see Trilogy potential.

WoW! and Outlaws are going to be the New EmO (I write like this because i'm pretending to be a teenager)

Posted by: mario at January 29, 2009 11:17 AM

But have you heard the comment Faye Dunaway made about the duffster in the role?

"Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?"

Posted by: krix at January 29, 2009 4:54 PM

Faye Dunaway majorly dissed the Hilary Duff choice for Bonnie, she was like, "couldn't they find someone more famous for the role?". As for Clyde, I'm not sure that dude's even a guy, although Clyde was pretty in the closet in the original as I recall. I couldn't even finish the movie because Netflix insta-players suck so damn bad though. Which means off to the library I go to rent it!

Posted by: ph at January 29, 2009 7:18 PM

PLEASE....do not attempt another version of Arthur Penn's classic "Bonnie and Clyde" starring Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway. Especially with two unknown actors of dubious talent that have been chosen for the leads. Who is Hilary Duff? Definately do not know the guy who is going to play Clyde. Please don't mess with one of the best American movies ever made.

Posted by: Dennis at February 22, 2009 6:19 PM

Good thing everyone wasnt so hard on Elizabeth Taylor and Mickey Rooney when they went from child actors to adult actors.......Most of your comments are really lame if you think about it.Can you really think of all the child actors who grew up to be the best in our times

Posted by: MC at March 20, 2009 9:52 AM