October 23, 2007 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | October 23, 2007 |


All right, folks. Let’s just get something straight here, OK? There are a few actors and actresses out in Hollywood who the many of us love in this little part of the world (Pajiba-land) that — for whatever reason — will never, ever strike it big in the movie business, no matter how much we’d love to see it. In five years, we will still be complaining about what a shame it is that they will still doing low-rent comedies that fail to take advantage of their talents, while reminiscing about how great they used to be in so-and-so show. These actors/actresses include, but are not limited to: Will Arnett, David Koechner (who hasn’t been funny in so long I forget why he was supposed to be), Tony Hale, David Cross, Amy Poehler, Amy Sedaris, Samantha Bee, Busy Phillips, Lewis Black, and Rob Corddry. I’m really sorry, but please stop holding out false hope, folks. The best that any of them can wish for is a decent role on another television show that doesn’t completely suck or a nice best-friend gig on a mediocre romantic comedy. Just be glad they aren’t Percy Daggs III, who is already taking bit parts in crappy pizza commercials. For the record, I haven’t completely given up hope on Nathan Fillion or Alan Tudyk, but that’s only because I’m deluding myself.

I bring this up because Rob Corddry is making another valiant, though misguided, effort to strike it big in Hollywood, so far failing to understand that 98 percent of America neither knows nor cares who the hell he is. And that’s precisely the reason that poor Rob can’t find a decent script and thus continues to take parts in embarrassing movies that only dim his box-office prospects even further. It’s a vicious circle and, unless you’re buddies with Judd Apatow, it’s not one you’re likely to escape. Corddry will be starring alongside box-office poison, Jason Biggs and Eva Longoria, in a movie called Lower Learning. In it, he’ll play a shady principal at an elementary school that Longoria — a school inspector — will be sent to investigate. She will enroll her boyfriend (Biggs), a cop, to take a job as the vice principal to further probe said shadiness. Mark Lafferty, whose only credit is writing and directing the 2001 spoof The Seventh Sense (“I see gay people”), will write and direct. No one will see this movie. So, for God’s sake, why don’t these talented actors and actresses actually combine forces and write their own ensemble comedy? It’s their only prayer, I’m afraid.

We’ve already told you that Peter Jackson, who I won’t even bother mocking right now, will be directing the big-screen adaption of Alice Sebold’s The Lovely Bones. In casting news, Ryan Gosling, who was set to play little Susie Salmon’s father, has dropped out of the production due to creative differences — i.e., he wanted to make a good film and Peter Jackson was incapable of doing so. He must have felt awfully strong about it, too, because he’d already gained 20 pounds and grew a beard for the role. Mark Wahlberg, who doesn’t care about quality as long as he can raise that pretty little eyebrow of his and sneer, will be taking over the part, starring opposite Rachel Weisz, who will be playing Ruthie’s mom; Susan Sarandon will play Grandma; and Stanley Tucci will be playing George Harvey, the man who raped 13-year-old Susie. Peter Jackson will be playing the role of hack.

The folks behind Sylvester Stallone’s next installment in the Rambo franchise have finally decided upon a title. They’re going to call it Rambo. Brilliant, right? It probably took a dozen men with $1 million salaries to come up with that. Anyway, based on the buzz that the unofficial trailer has generated (if you haven’t seen it, it’s good for about half a dozen laughs), executives are purportedly negotiating with Stallone to come back and do a fifth Rambo film. I understand they’ve already come up with a title for it; they’re going to call it, Ooops, I Crapped My Pants. Here’s the Rambo trailer:

Oh, did you hear? Naomi Watts will be starring in a remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds. Martin Campbell (Casino Royale, The Mask of Zorro) will direct. The writers behind Boogeyman and The Need have penned the script. Michael Bay is producing; I understand that he actually plans to dig up Hitchcock’s remains so that he can continue his streak of appearing in cameo roles in his films. He will be playing “Pissed Off Skeleton #3.” His one line, a bit of ad lib, will be: “I will eat your babies and shit out their remains into the fire pit of hell for this, you cocksucking motherfuckers.”

In a final production-related note, Paramount Pictures and MTV are combining forces to produce a movie based upon the Bong Hits 4 Jesus case. For those of you unfamiliar with the legal shenanigans involved, I’m not going to go into specifics, but it concerns a high-school student who was expelled for displaying a banner that read “Bong Hits 4 Jesus” during a school-supervised event to watch the Olympic torch pass by in Juneau, Alaska. The case eventually went to the Supreme Court, where Chief Justice Roberts held up the suspension, concluding that it was “school speech” and not run-of-the mill speech on a public street that would’ve normally been protected. Anyway, the movie will be based on the suspended student, Joseph Frederick, and his family, and how the suspension wreaked havoc on their lives. Frederick’s father, an insurance adjuster, was apparently fired from his job for standing up for his son. The project is being described as something akin to Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, though I seriously doubt Mr. Smith made the trip with a bag of Doritos and the giggles.

On DVD this week, feast on the unrated edition of Hostel: Part II, which — in addition to the expected flesh pruning and impromptu mastectomies — also includes Bambi’s mother, who is shot, flayed, dissected, and blended, in addition to a short featuring Donald Duck’s feather removal and subsequent molestation by Paddington the Bear. Good times. If that doesn’t do it for you, rent Meet the Robinsons or Mr. Brooks, instead.

In the trailer watch, have you folks seen the one for Tim Burton’s Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street? Johnny Depp! Alan Rickman! Blood! Gore! Revenge! Haircuts! Showtunes!

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Bong Hits 4 Pajiba

The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | October 23, 2007 | Comments ()



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