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Biz Break: The Last Thing Anyone Wants To Do Is Rush EL James' 50 Shades of Grey, Ahem, "Vision"

By Jodi Clager | Trade News | February 21, 2013 | Comments ()


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According to Collider, Universal Studios is all hepped up on goofballs and giving everything a sequel, a reboot, or a movie version. Well, not everything. Most of the things.

Adam Fogelson, Universal's chairman, was happy to talk about hope for a sequel to Mama. I haven't seen Mama yet, but it sounds like the kind of premise that doesn't invite a sequel. Judging from the continued decline in quality and originality from franchises like Paranormal Activity, Saw (The first one is still good!), Final Destination (Which I unashamedly ADORE.), and Scream, studios aren't interested in letting the story progress naturally. They're interested in snatching up fistfuls of money, snorting coke off starlet asses, and using what works until it no longer does. Mama's director, Andrés Muschiettiis, is not interested in the sequel either:

"We sort of wore out the subject matter...I never thought this could continue. Sequels are always tricky. I know how studios think but I don't see Mama as something you can exploit because you're screwing with the original. I'm really hoping to jump into some other movies right now."

Fogelson also wants to gift us with a sequel to Identity Thief. The financially successful, yet critically sh*t-canned, film is another premise that would be a stretch to continue. This is especially true since Jason Bateman's and Melissa McCarthy's characters would return. What, does McCarthy steal Bateman's identity again? Convince him to help her find someone that stole her identity? GAH AND BAH!

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Universal, according toThe Hollywood Reporter, would also love to torture you with a Fifty Shades movie by 2014. I am sure that Fogelson probably kept a straight face while saying this:

"I don't believe that [author EL James] had any interest in going to a studio where rushing it into production was the vision. I don't believe that the second or third film would have benefited from that strategy."

VISION??! HAAAAA no. Her vision was to write up some "Twilight" rip-off she could read before playing with the little man in the boat, only with more bondage, and it somehow became a hit. Vision? No. She doesn't have any vision that didn't belong to someone else, terrible as it may be, before she shat it onto some pages.

What else does this man have in store for the movie-watching public? A re-boot of Van Helsing, more Bourne movies, and that will-they-won't-they Snow White and the Hunstman sequel with Kristen Stewart's role still secure. Don't you have somewhere you want to go now?

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • aardvark

    Final Destination 2 was far superior to FD, no? Even with the lack of Casper.

  • $27019454

    One of my sisters told me she read this (these?) 50 Shade thingies and I struggled to keep a straight face as she explained (with a straight face...how??) that because she was a psych major in college (a million billion years ago, btw) she was very interested in how the book approached the psychology of his internal struggle.

    I really love(d) my sister. Christmas is going to be strange without her this year.

  • Slash

    The upside of terrible books is they give you a quick, easy guideline to which friends and acquaintances to never take advice from. If you have a friend/relative/acquaintance who tells you how awesome and enjoyable the "50 Shades" books are, thank her (I'm guessing most of them are hers) for the info and put all of her opinions forevermore into the "DO NOT LISTEN" file of your brain. Works equally well with fans of other shitty product.

  • Bert_McGurt

    I for one can hardly wait until they open the 50 Shades ride at Universal Studios Orlando.

  • Pinky McLadybits

    "You must be this sexually repressed to ride!"

  • VonnegutSlut

    How do they gauge that? Show you an inkblot and ask if you see Stephanie Meyer?

  • Pinky McLadybits

    They show you a pair of panties and if you turn red, giggle, and cover your face? WELCOME ABOARD!

  • BlackRabbit

    "Mama 2: Brother From Another Mother"

    Also, a "Hunstman" sounds dirty. Can I be one?

  • lowercase_ryan

    I have to say, being hepped (hep? hop? the heppie the hippie to the hep hep hop you don't stop) up on goofballs sounds awesome.

  • beletseri

    I don't understand how the 50 Shades movie isn't just porn.

  • NateMan

    Because the sad housewives who aren't willing to experiment in real life (or who have even sadder husbands not willing to experiment) feel okay diddling themselves to this, whereas if you show them actual BDSM porn they get appalled.

  • NynjaSquirrel

    Because it just might have Mila Kunis in it rather than Lindsay Lohan - and as much as I'd like to see her tied up and spanked, I really don't want to have to sit through 50 Shades to get there.

  • NateMan

    I'm sure someone will stitch together the important scenes for us.

  • NynjaSquirrel

    So - it'll be distilled to 50 Seconds of Good Stuff? I can live with that.

  • Maguita NYC

    Because Porn still has standards.

  • logan

    this SHOULD make the best posts of the week list but Prolixity tends to overlook one liners.

  • Maguita NYC

    Thank you, thank you very much. I'm here all week. Do try the veal tonight people, it's to die for.

  • alwaysanswerb

    Omissions which are befitting of someone named Prolixity

  • logan

    True it is logical but I do appreciate a good one liner.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Suggestion noted!

  • Anna von Beav

    "Mama 6: That Weird Lady Who Lives Up The Street That Never Leaves Her House"

  • Jannymac

    And then the pre-quel -- Grand Mama: Bigger, Badder, Older

  • I for one would welcome a Fifty Shades of Grey movie franchise; preferably a movie per year, if only because it might mean fewer braindead fuckwits flashing those cunting books in my face every time I step onto public transport. That and they'd all be gathered in one place. I'm not made of Molotov cocktails for god's sake.

  • Captain D

    I've never read these books, but assume they have these things called words, made up of letters in some shade of dark gray or black, on sheets of whitish paper. Would it really be better to replace these books flashing in your face on public transport with your choice of 1) last night's adventures of Snooki and JWow replayed on a phone with volume up 2) nothing at all such that all the passengers are awkwardly staring at anything but someone else's face or 3) nothing at all such that some subset of passengers are creeping everyone out by staring / leering directly at others?

  • VonnegutSlut

    I don't know what's wrong with you but I, for one, AM made of Molotov cocktails.

    It was an X-men-esque mutation brought on, not by radiation, but by the ubiquitous presence of that "50 Shades of Shit" shit.

  • So once we get 'em all in the cinema, could you do a berserker-Uruk-hai-at-Helm's-Deep kinda thing?

  • logan

    or you just drank too much cheap vodka?

  • Dragonchild

    The downside is that it'll be the death of cinema. Oh, but it's a goldmine. Fastest-selling novel, EVER. Despite all the A-list names being bandied about the actors don't matter; this thing can be shot cheaply and everyone will still expect a hit. There aren't any special effects or challenging locations, just some faux noveau riche sets that Hollywood has PLENTY of experience with, so even a shamefully opulent budget of $100 million should net them a bare minimum of $500 million. And these are embarrassingly conservative estimates. The book's gone global, so even if it gets banned in several countries the revenue can top $1 trillion -- for a story that could be shot in several weeks in a porn studio. I'm scared to calculate the RoI in terms of percentages.

  • Anna von Beav

    "Mama 5: That Guy You Called Uncle But He Was Really Just A Longtime Family Friend"

  • Dragonchild

    Uncle! Uncle!

  • Anna von Beav

    "Mama 4: Second Cousin Twice Removed"

  • Anna von Beav

    "Mama 3: Funny Uncle"

  • VonnegutSlut

    Then the inevitable spin-off of a sequel...

    "Mama 3: Funny Uncle 2: Bad Touch"

  • Anna von Beav

    "Mama 2: Auntie"

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