Biz Break: Lance Armstrong Biopic Is Imminent; Who Will Play His Testicle And Other Casting News

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Biz Break: Lance Armstrong Biopic Is Imminent; Who Will Play His Testicle And Other Casting News

By Jodi Clager | Trade News | January 21, 2013 | Comments ()


How do you feel about the story of Lance Armstrong as told with lens flare? J.J. Abrams and his Bad Robot production company have snapped up the rights to the biography "Cycle of Lies: The Fall of Lance Armstrong" by Juliet Marcur. It will chronicle his rise to fame and glory and then his fall from drugging allegations and being a huge asshole in some respects. Great, whatever. Who will play Lance? Sheryl Crow? Whoever else is involved? Will Manti Te'O and Lannay Kekua make an appearance as the Kanye to Armstrong's confession?

I see Matt Damon as Armstrong. Jennifer Lopez can play Sheryl Crow, because I'm cracking up thinking about it. (Jennifer Lopez, with a guitar and non-applique clothes on? HA!) Oprah can play Oprah.

In casting news that is actually real, Ray Liotta (who smells like apples), Juno Temple (who annoys me for some reason), and Jeremy Piven (he smells of desperation and toupee glue) have been added to the cast of Sin City 2: A Dame To Kill For. I have no proof of who they are playing, but I guess Liotta will be a mobster, Temple will be one of the whores in Oldtown, and Piven will be some slimy asshole.


Zombieland may still be on track as a television show on ABC. io9 snagged a casting script and you can read all about the characters as they will (possibly) be portrayed on tv. What small screen stars would be suited to take over for Emma Stone, Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, and Abigail Breslin?

Is Schuyler Fisk still acting? Rachel Bilson could dye her hair. Maybe Rachelle Lefevre would be interested in playing Wichita. She could use a job.

Who would you cast?

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • wildsoda

    "Ray Liotta (who smells like apples)"

    Major points for the MST3k reference! Well played, my friend.

  • par1964

    I have an itching festering boil on my arse that could play Lance Armstrong .....

  • Jezzer


  • cancerisn'tfunny

    I'm not sure who the bigger douche is ... Lance Armstrong for being such a lying bully for so many years, or the thoughtless people who make inane testicle jokes after someone loses one (or both) to testicular cancer. I'm quite sure if Lance were a woman who'd lost a breast to cancer, nobody would be throwing out the "Who's gonna play the boobie?" quips.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    If she was an annoying tit, sure we would.

  • Jezzer

    And frankly, if "Lancina Armstrong" had built an empire based on overcoming cancer to become a champion, while secretly dosing and denying the same to the point where she sued accusers for libel and won an enormous settlement, only to finally come out and admit it was true all along? Yeah, there might be some scorn headed her way.

  • cancerisn'tfunny

    Oh, I'd be the first to bury Lance up to his neck in scorn if I could, I just don't think using someone's cancer history to mock and ridicule them is the best way to go about it. It's just ... well, tacky.

  • Jezzer

    He certainly had no qualms about capitalizing on his cancer history.

  • Jezzer

    "Lance Armstrong" =/= "Every cancer patient everywhere from the beginning of time."

  • bleujayone

    I'd cast Emilio Estevez to play Lance Armstrong's tumor-ridden testicle. For the other one naturally I'd pick Charlie Sheen. Yeah, I know Charlie seems to be the obvious choice to play the cancer nut. But if he were the one removed, Emilio would be the one left to tempt Armstrong to the Douche Side of the Force and I just can't picture him do that. We've all seen Charlie survive all sorts of things recently without nary a scratch, so if five tons of blow and two skankoids can't put him down in a wild weekend bender, then cancer wouldn't do a damn thing other than annoy him. Hell Charlie Gonad would probably drink the cancer right under the table. Besides, it'll give Emilio the Oscar-worthy death scene he's always pined for.

    Can't you just picture Armstrong peeking into his bicycle shorts every once in a while just to have Charlie's head sprout up and give him evil advice like a cartoon devil on the shoulder...only in his crotch? "Yeah Lance, take the friggin' cream & clear. If you ain't cheatin', you ain't trying hard enough. Someone question your validity? Sue the shit out of them like they owe you money. Stay with the wife who stood by you when you were poor and sick? Fuck that, man Sheryl Crow's over there good to go. What? She got sick too? Dump her and let's go for a beer run."

    Armstrong could blame everything on his evil nut the same way Ash Williams blamed his evil hand. We could even see the epilogue of Armstrong giving his Oprah interview with Charlie giving muffled snide commentary that only Lance can hear while he tries to apologize for his testy testes.

    Later that year, the Oscars would obliterate any last vestiges of legitimacy they had by passing over Daniel Day-Lewis in favor of Sheen's My Left Nut.

  • par1964

    You, Sir, are a genius. You are now my new hero ........

  • Bert_McGurt

    In all honesty, I'd figure McConaughey or the Emu to play Armstrong.

    Deborah Ann Woll would make a fantastic Wichita. No dye required. And maybe Kim Coates for Tallahassee? I'd like to come up with something for Columbus, but I cannot get past Michael Cera so I won't.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Christian Bale would make a fantastic Lance.

  • Mrs. Julien


  • lowercase_ryan

    Sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. Frankie Muniz it is.

  • Mrs. Julien

    It wasn't a criticism of your casting, it was a slam on Bale.

  • Muhnah_Muhnah

    Ok, fine, I'll be that guy (girl): I'm cool with calling Armstrong any name in the book, but he DID have cancer and it's terrible and I'm sure there are people on this site who have had/know someone with testicular cancer, so easy on the ball jokes, ok? Can we all agree that cancer should be off-limits at least? That said...he's a total knob (see? No need to resort to balls!).

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Maybe cancer was a result on all those "substances" he stuffed into his body?

  • Puddin

    Yeah, but did your friends who had cancer inject ungodly amount of HGH in their asses for years?

    Ans as the friend and daughter of many, many cancer survivors--cancer jokes are AWESOME! Fuck cancer. That dick deserves to be made fun of.

    However, since balls are quite sensitive (literally and figuratively), I will make a personal vow to not make ball jokes. No need to aim at the low hanging fruit. (Sorry)

  • par1964

    You have to give credit where credit is due .... Lance Armstrong had the ball to tell the truth ....

    I, unlike you guys, could not care less that this douchebag had cancer ..... we'd all be better off if One-Nut Lance had survived his cancer, and gotten into auto sales ......

  • Snath

    Obviously the testicles will be played by the Wayans brothers in costume. Their separation will earn them the Oscar they've always dreamed of.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I don't know who's playing his testicle, but I know Armstrong's an ass.

  • Ley

    Bruce Willis plays one testicle. The other one's played by JGL in makeup.

  • Jezzer

    "Lena Dunham is Lance Armstrong's testicle IN...

    'For Whom the Ball Tolls'"


  • Jezzer

    "Jason Schwartzman, in the role he was born to play..."

  • zeke_the_pig

    Charming Potato could play Charming Testicle

  • Mrs. Julien

    By definition, isn't a cancerous testicle charmless?

  • zeke_the_pig

    I meant he'd play the charming remaining testicle. Which eventually also detaches itself and leaves because the host is such a dick. So to speak

  • Mrs. Julien

    Armstrong is a pri*k, not a d*ck. Not that I've had a hierarchy of d*nk,d*ck, pri*k when describing jerks for the past 22 years.


    *ink - Prince Charles
    D*ck - Kanye
    Pric* - Lance Armstrong

    You get the idea.

  • par1964

    Prince Chaz is a fookin whankah ......

  • Mrs. Julien

    I believe that descriptor is in line with my taxonomy.

  • Jezzer

    "James Franco, in his bravest role yet..."

  • lowercase_ryan

    did someone give you sugar this morning? heed the warning labels people.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    I would not cast Rachel Bilson in anything.

  • BlackRabbit

    I would, but it would not be...traditional media. Too bad

    Rhiana Griffith isn't doing much acting anymore.

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