Biz Break: Brett Ratner Is Making 'Hercules' With Dwayne Johnson, So Expect The Gods To Cure Themselves Of Powers And Suck
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Biz Break: Brett Ratner Is Making Hercules With Dwayne Johnson, So Expect The Gods To Cure Themselves Of Powers And Suck

By Jodi Clager | Trade News | January 17, 2013 | Comments ()


Uuugggghhhh. Why do people keep letting Brett Ratner do things? HE IS TERRIBLE. I want to punch him in his hairy troll face and then falcon punch his taint. Ratner has been given the reins to Hercules, starring Dwayne Johnson as the strongest man in the movie. Graphic novel "Hercules: The Thracian Wars" serves as the adaptation material and concerns Hercules training an army for the King of Thrace. Also, he appears to be wearing a lion head on his own head, complete with pelt cape!


Moving on to news that has been trotted out for years without ever coming to fruition, Gremlins might be getting a reboot. Talks have taken place with Steven Spielberg time and time again, with his Iron Price never being met. (Rumor has it he only wanted to be paid in money taken from the weak, bathed in their blood, and in sequential bills.) This time might be the time, kids! He might decide to go full George Lucas, say f*ck it, and let someone else have their way with our childhood. Ooooh boy! I bet Gizmo will have a squeaky voice, dance to a Nicki Minaj song, and fart a lot!


Let us complete the trio of infinite sadness with the trailer for Springbreakers.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • It's a good thing there's no steroid testing in Hollywood.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I think they call it "box office".

  • Idle Primate

    i have no problem with Dwayne Johnson as Hercules. the guy is a pretty charming action hero. what bugs me, is that when you already have so much hercules narrative that revolves around quests, tasks and adventuring, that someone would decide what we really need is another big armies and war movie. it really is starting to seem as if ever since CGI solved the problem of large set pieces and the cost of thousands of extras, that fantasy type movies will be about large armies engaging in wars. "We don't need characters or story, we've got battlefields!"

  • Quatermain

    Watch, Chris Hansen in going to turn up at the Springbreakers premiere. After the film ends the lights will come up and he'll be standing there at the front of the auditorium with a megaphone 'So...what're all of you doing here?"

  • Ted Zancha

    Future plot synopsis for the Gremlins remake:

    "Coming next spring! In the tradition of The Smurfs and Beverly Hills Chihuahua, [Insert name of studio I will destroy] and Steven Spielberg bring you a retelling of a modern classic. Set in a small town, the story follows James (Logan Lerman) and his zany adventures with his adorable pet Mogwai, Gizmo (CGI Andy Serkis). All is well until devious creatures start appearing all over town. James must save his town, save the girl, and learn what it means to be a man. Directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer."

  • BWeaves

    " . . . Gizmo (CGI Andy Serkis)."

    You owe me a new keyboard. Mine has tea spewed all over it.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Spring Breakers looks like a Hype Williams video. TBF, I liked Belly, but I used to smoke weed back then.

  • toblerone

    Springbreakers - "Sorry, the video is not available in your location" +1 for region blackouts.

    Not to sound racist but isthe Rock white enough to play Hercules?

  • Mrs. Julien

    He'll be playing the son of Jupiter, but his skin tone is the unrealistic element?

  • toblerone

    Yep.... Just saying. Zeus was awfully white or at least the Liam Neeson version is.

  • Kballs

    Gotta love those pasty Greecians.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Zeus was father to Heracles. And Greek. I would think the massive tattoos would be the real issue.
    Subject: [jiba] Re: Biz Break: Brett Ratner Is Making 'Hercules' With Dwayne Johnson, So Expect The Gods To Cure Themselves Of Powers And Suck

  • BlackRabbit

    Nothing wrong with Hercules having a lion cape, very true to the mythology. I wanna know when Gilgamesh is gonna get his time though. New school punks! The Grandaddy Strongman deserves a chance!

  • Pinky McLadybits

    I'm excited about the lion head cape! Ratner will probably make it talk or something.

  • BWeaves

    Yeah, they keep remaking crap that doesn't need to be remade, and ignoring classics like Gilgamesh that are just crying out to be made. We have the technology. It's got sex and violence and monsters. What more could they ask for? Oh, wait, no explosions.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I was thinking the same thing, but it would get so sweaty and then the head would slip and he'd get poked in the eye with a leonine canine and, I don't care who your dad is, or how much you bench, that's going to hurt.

    Wasn't there snake venom involved as is indicated in the graphic novel art? I seem to recall a robe or cape or something impregnated with venom and adhered to him? And then with the dying?

    I can't wait to see The Rock muck out some stables and strap on some chaps over the lion cape. It'll put the whole mythology thing on the cowboy tip, and who doesn't love a cowboy? Does Hercules fell any forests, or put out any fires on his "Honey Do" list? Because then he could be a demigod-cowboy-lumberjack-fireman and that is quite an enticing combination, particularly when channeled through Mr. Dwayne Johnson.

  • Green Lantern

    Wow. "Spring Breakers" is coming off a lot darker than it first seemed.

  • Grendel

    That's how I feel about your trackrecord.

  • Green Lantern


  • Kballs

    Separately, these items have little effect on me. Presented together, they combined powers like a deranged Wonder Twins activation to vomit on my soul. Something about Spring Breakers is especially discomforting, mostly because Korine The Scum Bag is involved.

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