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Biz Break: 8 Bits and Bobs That Joseph Gordon Levitt Is Probably Furiously Masturbating To Today

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | April 11, 2013 | Comments ()


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Don John, the masturbation addiction romantic comedy directed by Joseph Gordon Levitt, and starring Scarlett Johansson, Julianne Moore, Tony Danza, a masturbating Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Brie Larson as Silent Bob has been assigned a release date of October 18th. We caught it at SXSW this year, and it's terrific, although there's a lot more masturbating JGL than perhaps anyone should want to see in two hours.

Justin Lin is handing the reigns to the Fast & Furious franchise off to James Wan, the creator of the Saw franchise, who will be taking over starting with the seventh installment of the car-racing series that 1) will never end, and 2) inexplicably actually has gotten better as the series has progressed (thanks in large part to the addition of Dwayne Johnson).

Speaking of the Fast and Furious, that movie's cinematographer, Ericson Core, has been hired to direct a Point Break remake. DAMN YOU TO HELL HOLLYWOOD. Sure, the remake was inevitable, but it still stings.

Hailee Steinfeld , who we haven't seen that much of since True Grit, will be reteaming with Tommy Lee Jones in his directorial project, Homesman. The film, about a man escorting three mentally ill women from Nebraska to Iowa, will also feature Meryl Streep, Hilary Swank, James Spader, John Lithgow, and Tim Blake Nelson.

Though yesterday, rumors ran rampant that Alec Baldwin may be replacing The Last Call with Carson Daly in a complete overhaul of the NBC late-night schedule, it looks like that plan has been scuttled for now, as Daly has renewed his contract for another year. Baldwin is apparently still in talks for a role on late night at some future date.

HBO has landed the pilot for Ryan Murphy's new show, "Open," which looks like its a series about open marriages, i.e., what Ryan Murphy's entire career has been building toward.

With just one day to go, the Veronica Mars movie Kickstarter has now crossed the $5 million mark, which I understand triggers the dissolution of Kristen Bell's nudity clause.

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Henry Cavill and his Man of Streel grace the cover of this week's Summer Preview issue of EW, and Slashfilm has nabbed some photos from the issue.

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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Buck Forty

    I don't want to deny all the JGL fans their opportunity, but I hope ScarJo gets equal time. THAT is something I could watch. All day. And all night. WTF?!

  • Elizabeth

    Now I'm just getting depressed. Point Break is getting a remake and Kickstarter is paying for a Veronica Mars movie, but The Knights of Badassdom just sits on a shelf so I can't see it.

  • John W

    Shannon looks cool.

  • Mrs. Lysander Julien

    Dearest Overlords,

    I, like many Pajibans, work in an office and, like many Pajibans, my monitor can potentially be seen by those that I work with. Could you please take that into consideration when concocting names for your articles? Several times recently, the headlines have contained vocabulary that is more than questionable in a work environment. As much as I would like to learn what JGL is up to, the word used to describe it might be best saved for the smaller print.

    Yours in Christ,
    Mrs. Lysander Julien

  • L.O.V.E.

    Below the headline is a picture with a hint of ScarJo cleavage. And she's getting photobombed by a dude who is one up on JGL on the spank- board. No one is noticing the headline.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Seriously, Last Call with Carson Daly is still a thing? I bet NBC renewed it because they were embarrassed that they hadn't actually cancelled it but just forgotten about it.

  • Bedewcrock

    This is also how I felt about TRL.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    It's clear that at some point in the early aughts, MTV forgot TRL existed and just assumed that reruns of Real World were running in its afternoon slot. There's really no other explanation for, you know, that whole thing.

  • Green Lantern

    I still don't like the Superman costume. It looks like it was knitted from Kevlar.

  • Strand

    I don't like those Kryptonian suits either. Since when did they turn into space marines? Those collars look pretty uncomfortable too.

  • Mrs. Julien

    All that Lycra must be like wearing a loofah.

  • $27019454

    Please say James Spader is playing one of the three mentally ill women. Or ALL THREE. He could do it, I bet.

  • Mrcreosote

    Great. " Superman:Gimp Suit" looks like a winner. That shot with M. Shannon screams "I am Zod and I will rooooooock you!"

  • Yeah, but it's really hard to play face-melting guitar solos with steel gauntlets on. He'd have to stick to power chords.

  • BWeaves

    Didn't that Superman movie already come out 2 years ago? I'm over it already.

    I loved Henry Cavill in The Tudors, but I'm afraid this Superman is going to come and go in a week.

  • Repo

    How ironic as they already remade Point Break. It was called The Fast and The Furious.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Have you seen either of those movies?

  • Repo

    Which one did you like better? he one where the undercover cop infiltrates a gang of criminals that represent a unique subculture yet finds himself conflicted on completing his job when he grows close to the leader of the said criminal gang? Or the other one?

  • Bedewcrock

    I'm here to watch this play out.

  • Oh, hey - that means that Point Break was, ITSELF, a remake of :

    Stone Cold (1991) - Brian Bosworth, Lance Henriksen

    Beyond the Law (1993) - Charlie Sheen
    ~~~

  • pissant

    Stone Cold: So, Point Break was a remake of a movie that was probably in production at the same time?

    Beyond the Law: So, Point Break was a remake of a movie that came out 2 years later? What is that, a premake?

  • I honestly thought that Point Break came out later. *shrugs*

  • sean

    I love those two movies. A shame that Brian Bosworth didn't become a thing.

  • Repo

    Bosworth with the mullet and the pet iguana all day. William Forsythe is hilarious in that one too.

  • L.O.V.E.

    JGL must be disappointed that "Fast & Furious" was already taken and he couldn't use it for his masturbation movie.

  • L.O.V.E.

    And seriously, was the guy behind them who is doing the photo bombing the inspiration for the movie, ' cuz dude is in his mental bunk.

  • llp

    I don't know - I am considering testing the limits of exactly how much JGL masturbation I can stand. I bet it's a lot.

  • Also, Russell Crowe will always look good in armor.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I know. I see the pic and I think, damn, so sexy. He might be an asshole (and I say might, not really able to judge him on that) but he brings the sexy to me.

  • $27019454

    All kinds of yes to this.

  • although there’s a lot more masturbating JGL than perhaps anyone should want to see in two hours.

    It's like you don't know some of the women in Pajiba.

    Those people are sick, man.

  • CMooreVerdad

    I cannot wait for this movie and it's inevitable sequel. I will watch them backtobacktobacktoback.

  • Drake

    I guess I'm sick too, because I really cannot conceive of tiring of watching JGL spank it.

  • Ew.

  • Gauephat

    All the people in those Man of Steel images look like they've had their heads awkwardly photoshopped on.

  • the dude

    Michael Shannon did, he mo-capped his whole performance while he was taking a shit at home.

  • Mrcreosote

    Still more effort than Ben Kingsley in Iron Man. That accent alone.

  • toblerone

    Hailee Steinfeld has 7 projects lined up in 2013 (according to IMDB) so the drought will end pretty quick.

    "will be re-teaming with Tommy Lee Jones " what were they in together before?

    Is Laurence Fishburne in everything now?

    What's with the outfits in the Superman photos?

    Side note: Fishburne is married to Gina Torres?

  • Is Laurence Fishburne in everything now?

    Yes.

    Side note: Fishburne is married to Gina Torres?

    Yes, he is. Thus, he has no concerns for mere humans.
    ~~~

  • pajiba

    Oh, shit. You're right. For some reason, I was thinking Jones was in True Grit, but that was No Country for Old Men. DAMN YOU COEN BROTHERS.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    For good measure, I'll throw 'The Missing' in the mix.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    If I go to see Don John, I'm going to need some sort of hydrophobic footwear so as to not slip on the myriad of snail trails and break my neck. Anybody know of a brand of good, comfortable, lady-juice repelling sneaker at a reasonable price?

  • Mrs. Julien

    Perhaps it'll be like Shame with Fassbender where it sounds good in theory, but isn't so great in reality. On an up note, this movie is likely to be better than Shame.

  • lowercase_ryan

    knock off Crocs?

  • BWeaves

    Knock Off Crocs sounds like a euphemism for, oh, never mind.

  • Pants_are_a_must

    I had a JGL pact with a friend last summer: She takes me to see one of his movies, I get to take her to a Tom Hardy movie. I suffered through "Premium Rush," she suffered through "Lawless" (no offense to my favorite delicious pup-kissing thespian bit of manscruff, but that movie was traumatizingly bad).

    I am never, ever, ever, ever, EVER going to see that Don John movie with a JGL fan. You could not pay me. You could not force me at gunpoint. You could not promise me Tom Hardy wrapped in nothing but a bow lying in my bed when I get back home after, to go to see a 2-hour movie in a theater with people furtively adjusting their crotch areas while he pretends to masturbate onscreen over and over again.

  • BlackRabbit

    "Pretends"?

  • Pants_are_a_must

    One can only hope.

  • melissa82

    I'm doubting your love of Tom Hardy. I'd see a Tyler Perry movie if I was promised Tom Hardy in my bed when I got home.

  • Pants_are_a_must

    I would weather a Tyler Perry movie for him too. However, considering Don John to JGL fans would be like Twilight for Twi-Hards, there would be not enough shower time in the WORLD, and the lovely Mr. Hardy would be wasted.

  • melissa82

    Heard. I stupidly went to the first Twilight with some 'friends' (dead to me now, obviously) and the middle aged women crying during the end credits ruined me. I don't think I could sit through something like that again ever. For anybody.

  • Kristen Mc

    If I can have Tom Hardy in a bow, I will take your friend to the JGL movie. I'm a giver.

  • "There’s a lot more masturbating JGL than perhaps anyone should want to see in two hours."

    That's un-possible.

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