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The Movie That Finally Puts Hitchcock's "Birds" to Shame

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (25)

BIRDEMIC.jpg

You love Alfred Hitchcock’s “Birds”? Yeah, well fuck you. That’s because you’ve never seen a real bird-themed horror film. It’s because you haven’t seen Birdemic: Shock and Terror (is that an echo I hear? Yes, it is). It comes from visionary director James Nguyen, who will one day own all of Hollywood, and though I’ve only seen this two-minute trailer, I can already tell you one thing about this movie: It will steal your fucking soul and eat it for lunch.

You like romance? Yeah, there’s plenty of that here. Fucking, too. But the important thing is, there are killer birds that will chew off your genitalia and take a crap in your wounds. If you’re at all sensitive to depraved bird violence, don’t watch this trailer. If you have even the slightest case of Ornithophobia, then turn off your computer and throw it out the window. I doubt I will sleep again for days. I won’t even be able to walk outside without reminding myself that this is only a movie. It’s only a movie … only a movie …

Jesus. Just thinking about it makes my bowels quiver.

*shudder*


(Hat Tip: EILCoolJ)









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Comments

I've endured this. It's almost not fun. Almost.

Posted by: William Goss at February 22, 2010 9:20 PM

Holy crap. Those special effects put Avatar to shame.

Posted by: Rykker at February 22, 2010 9:22 PM

This pitch for this movie went something like this:

Guy at bar: Hey, how you doin'
Girl at bar: ugh
Guy at bar: No baby, you dont understand, I'm a big actor... the next Jeremy Piven
Girl at bar: orly?
Guy at bar: Yea, Im actually filming a movie right now... hey, I could probably get you a role!
Girl at bar: Thats the kind of talk I take my shirt off for.
Guy at bar: Awesome, lemme go talk to my... um... producer. er, writer. and director. Hell, they're all the same guy.

exit stage left... enter stage right

Guy at bar: Guys guys guys, there this hot chick that totally gonna get nekkid if we give her a role in movie... we need to make a movie!

Guy at bar's friend: Well, I have all these animated bird .gif's and some coat hangers with pieces of hot dog inexplicably attached to them. I'm sure we can put something together.

Guy at bar: Awesome dude! Say...you think she noticed my new haircut?

Posted by: Lennon at February 22, 2010 9:44 PM

I don't know if I'm going to watch this trailer, but I'll tell you this mister: NOTHING can put The Birds to shame.

Posted by: Cindy at February 22, 2010 9:47 PM

The Six String Samurai of mean bird films.

Posted by: Gozer at February 22, 2010 9:58 PM

I am most definitely going to have nightmares tonight. WHY would you DO this, Dustin?! why would you put this post up so late?!

P.S. Has meaux seen this? 'Cause I think she's gonna have a problem with the classification of those birds...

Posted by: Anna von Beaverpuppet at February 22, 2010 10:01 PM

Still better than original SyFy fare.

Posted by: MM at February 22, 2010 10:04 PM

Gotta be the pigeons. I've looked in their eyes. They're pure evil.

Posted by: , at February 22, 2010 10:15 PM

*headdesk*

Posted by: DeistBrawler at February 22, 2010 10:21 PM

Wow... the lead actor made a bold statement by sounding like he had a mouthful of marbles the entire time. Almost like old school Brando... but sucky.

Posted by: linny at February 22, 2010 10:53 PM

I have no words. Only tears.

Posted by: Jerce at February 22, 2010 10:59 PM

Fuck The Hurt Locker.

Birdemic. Yeah.

Posted by: D-Day at February 22, 2010 10:59 PM

...

...

What?

Posted by: Smokin at February 23, 2010 12:06 AM

Birdemic. . .instant classic. . .game changer. . .cinema will never be the same again. combines the subtlety and grace that Criterion drools over with the raw horror of a good torture porn. . .it will kidney punch James Cameron's Box office crown right off his head. . .the title alone sends chills down the spine and makes the bowels go watery.

damn, my sarasm font gives off the illusion of being identical to the regular font. . .stealth sarcasm font. . .fontdemic

Posted by: idleprimate at February 23, 2010 12:47 AM

I watched this without sound. It brought a tear to my eye and a pain in my left arm. That was.......wow. No words, just wow.

Posted by: Nieve 'The Threadkiller Queen' at February 23, 2010 4:51 AM

Inevitably to be followed by: Antdemic (In Your Pants)

Posted by: cinekat at February 23, 2010 7:06 AM

Nieve...That's called a stroke.

Posted by: PissBoy at February 23, 2010 7:31 AM

I actually laughed a couple of times. Wow is that stupid, where can I get it.

Posted by: admin at February 23, 2010 9:00 AM

What this site needs is more PissBoy.

I laughed too, admin, so it's not just your sharply attuned Canadistanian sense of humour. It goes beyond stupid to funny. The down side is, 2 1/2 minutes of that kind of funny might be just right.

Posted by: , at February 23, 2010 9:37 AM

glad they are so prepared for battle. who's attacking them again? christina crawford?

Posted by: gp at February 23, 2010 9:50 AM

Hey did you know that James Nguyen is Master of The Romantic Thriller (TM)? It says so right there in the trailer! *So impressed!*

My favorite part was the end where they're ineffectually (and anemically) waving the wee coat hangers in the generally direction of the magically hovering birds. SO. MUCH. ACTION!

Posted by: Katers at February 23, 2010 10:24 AM

Wow, those are some real special "special effects".

Posted by: Jadine at February 23, 2010 10:46 AM

I think, no, strike that, I know this will be an Oscar contender for next year in the category of Visionary Director and Master of the Romantic Thriller.

Posted by: Jadine at February 23, 2010 12:44 PM

Bad Actor Guy: "Quickly everyone! Let's all split up and search for the most ineffective thing we can think of what with which we will ward off these birds!"

Bad Actor Guy leaves the room to begin his search

Bad Actor Guy 2: "Dude...that was a lot of double-ew...Holy shit! I found a wire hanger! These things totally sting when you get hit with one!"

Bad Actress Girl: "Those won't work. They're only good for hanging light shirts and for lancing the hearts of unwanted feti..."

Bad actor guy takes a swing at her arm with the hanger

THWACK!

Bad Actress Girl: "Ow! Fuck! THAT TOTALLY HURT YOU COCK MUFFIN!!! But if I know one thing...if it hurts me, then it'll feel like murder to them birds."

Bad Actress Girl picks up a wire hanger and makes gestures of aggression more flaccid than your grandpa's peen. Bad Actor Guy returns to the room. Bad Actor guy 2 swings his hanger.

THWACK!!!

Bad Actor Guy: "Fuck dude! That hurt."

Bad Actor Guy 2: " I know man...we can totally fuck these birds up with these things. Take one..."

Bad Actor Guy: "Fuck yeah we can. Let's hope they don't fuck with us by hovering immeidately beyond our arms' reach."


...If that ain't Oscar-worthy, then FUCK the AMPAS.

Posted by: PissBoy at February 23, 2010 12:58 PM

idleprimate... The whole sarcasm thing in writing has bothered me... how to get it across... I know someone invented a symbol, but I'm too cheap to buy it, so I started signing things "sws" (said with sarcasm)

I too laughed when I first saw this and then laughed again reading Dustin's description

I liked the review by an "IMDB User Review"

Posted by: El L Cool J at February 23, 2010 1:52 PM