The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles
Trade News | December 11, 2007 | Comments ()
The big news this week (of the year? decade? lifetime?) is that producers are planning to extend the most important movie of all time, Sex in the City: The Movie! into Sex in the City: The Trilogy, which means the paparazzi will have two more cracks at hassling the aging stars of the dated, almost irrelevant sitcom that, just ten years ago, inspired scores of women all over small-town and suburban America to leave their boyfriends and go forth to New York City, where they could theoretically share a limited pool of bartender, Euro-trash, and wealthy, jazz-lovin’ penises amongst themselves while waxing poetic about their (ironically) overused vibrators back in the apartments they have no business affording. The producers are so optimistic about the prospects of the first movie that they are currently in negotiations with the stars’ agents to modify the actresses’ living wills to ensure that no plugs are pulled until Chris Noth films a few loves scenes on Sarah Jessica Parker’s deathbed. Seriously, by the time the trilogy finishes its run, Kim Cattrall will be pushing 60 — the final installment may just be called, Sex in the Assisted Living Facility. In fact, how depressing is it that all the principals in Mannequin (Cattrall, Andrew McCarthy, James Spader) are all in their 50s now? The good news, I suppose, is that with Sex in the City on location in NYC for the next half-decade or more, Gawker will never have a dearth of material.
And I know how you all have loved the Scary Movie series, and their many, many, many offshoots; well, the Wayans brothers — having struck out with their ode to midget tossing, Little Man — are back at it. Now, they have their tiny, tiny brains set upon a sendup of cop movies, because they know exactly why Hot Fuzz failed at the box office: Not enough Wayans! In fact, you know what else needs more Wayans? Everything.Goddamnit. Ben and Jerry should have a Wayans Bros. flavor: Brain Rattle Fudge! I want fucking Wayans-brand Crisco, so they can neglect to use it next time they shove another one of their spoofs up my ass. And with all those Wayans Brother, surely there’s a crop of Wayans’ offspring ready to rise up and embark on a career of sense assault. God, I can’t wait.
Fucking hell: What was so great about Loaded Weapon that we need another one of these goddamn spoof flicks? More importantly, why do they all make a fortune at the box office? Are people so goddamn starved for entertainment that they’ll pay $10 to see a bad parody of a movie you never saw, like, say, Hollywood Homicide or SWAT? Maybe they’ll even poke fun at the Police Academy series. What’s Bobcat Goldwaithe doing these days, anyhow?
And speaking of bad movies, Stephen Baldwin — who has developed clavi thumping Bibles the last couple of years — is set to star in a sequel to Bio-Dome. But wait! Don’t scoff. Don’t shake your head. Don’t stare at your computer with that bewildered, pre-caffeinated gape. Think about it. Really, really think about it: Bio-Dome was about a decade before its time. People just didn’t give a shit about the environment back in 1996. And that’s the reason — the only reason — that Bio-Dome failed. Times have changed, my friends. You bring back Baldwin, Pauly Shore, and the same premise in 2007, and you’re looking at blockbuster gold, people. Add some legitimacy with a cameo from Al Gore, and you’re looking at Pauly Shore among the 2009 Oscar nominations. Yeah. Think about it.
I loved both Mystic River, and Gone Baby Gone, but I do worry that Hollywood may be going to the well one too many times with the Lehane crime dramas. Surely, the dismal box-office showing of Gone Baby Gone has as much to do with crime-drama fatigue as it did with Affleck backlash (Afflash?), right? I’d like to think so, anyway, because that movie was fucking fantastic. Anyway, Marty will be the next director tackling a Lehane novel; this time, it’s Shutter Island. While this one is also set in and around Boston, it takes place in 1954, and follows the investigation of a disappearing murderess, who escaped the Shutter Island mental facility. Leo DiCaprio, it goes without saying, will play the lead, as a U.S. Marshall doing the investigating. Mark Ruffalo will play his partner. Michelle Williams will play DiCaprio’s wife, and Ben Kingsley is set to play the chief physician of the mental hospital. I have no doubt it will be an excellent film, but I have serious doubts as to the number of theatergoers who will be interested, even with a remarkable cast.
Oh Jesus: It just occurred to me that the Wayans Bros. cop-movie spoof will likely take a few potshots at Mystic River (characters will overact to the point to absurdity, just like in the original) and The Departed (at the end of the movie, every single character will shoot each other in the head). God, it’s so predictable.
And finally, in the trailer watch: The Wachowski brothers. Emile Hirsch. Christina Ricci. A huge production budget. Monster special effects. Unbelievable hype. Are you ready to be underwhelmed? Check out the trailer for Speed Racer: