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Billy Crystal Set to Host Oscars! Apathy Reigns! Apathy Reigns!

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (25)

billy-crystal3.jpg

I already miss the Oscar Ratnerf*cking, the potential Eddie Murphy disaster, the leering misogyny and the underlying homophobia that the 84th Academy Awards ceremony promised just two days ago. But Ratner had to go stick his d*ck in his mouth, and now Eddie Murphy is gone and in his stead is the soft-shoe, the geriatric boner of Oscar hosts: Billy Crystal, star of City Slickers and also City Slickers 2. who will deprive us of the Nacho-fountain, shrimp-f*cking train wreck that was meant to be ours, damnit.

Come back, Brett Ratner!

Is Crystal a good Oscar host? Oh, sure: He’s fine. This will be his eleventy billionth time to host, and you remember how great he was all those other times, right? No? You don’t remember. Me neither. He’s a completely unmemorable host. He’s safe. He plays from the Don Rickles playbook, minus the racism. He’s amiable, a nice guy, and he won’t offend anyone or ruffle any feathers. My feathers were looking forward to a good ruffling.

So, there you have it. Billy Crystal will host the second most-watched telecast of the year. Do you care? No, I don’t care either. But I bet your grandmother is stoked.









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Comments

I have this uncomfortable memory of when he hosted the Oscars the same year his Mr. Saturday Night came out and told all these bitter jokes about its epic snubbing by the Academy.

Oh, the awkward laughter from the audience. It tastes like burning.

That's the only thing I remember about any of his hosting gigs.

Posted by: Berva at November 10, 2011 7:08 PM

I'm actually pretty stoked and I'm not even a grandmama! Actually I'm 20. It's because I have an unnatural love for this man. It's actually a serious problem, I mean he's 62, right? Somewhere around there? Yikes, I really shouldn't tell people this, but I do, and I'm not even ashamed.

Posted by: Lisa Bee at November 10, 2011 7:09 PM

My granny is dead you bastard!

Posted by: logan at November 10, 2011 7:22 PM

I'm a grandmother and I am not amused. Billy Crystal WAS a great host in the 1990s, but he's a bit out of touch now. It will be a safe, gentle humor show. Whatta ya bet he makes a joke about him really being a muppet host?

Posted by: Tecuya at November 10, 2011 7:22 PM

Missing Hugh Jackman now, aren't we?

Posted by: general rhubabr at November 10, 2011 7:37 PM

Think of him like McDonald's. A little tired, a little boring, but when you're starving you know you can rely on it. Will take him over the Ann Hathaway/James Franco debacle that was last year.

Posted by: scorzi at November 10, 2011 7:41 PM

Am I allowed to say "m e h" to this news? Am I? Pretty please with sugar on top?

Posted by: MM at November 10, 2011 7:43 PM

I'm sure his schtick will sting with all the power of Muhammad Ali after he did one too many d-CON four gone Room Fogger commercials.

Posted by: bleujayone at November 10, 2011 8:00 PM

I was looking forward to Eddie more than I realized. Since I haven't actually gone to the movies in over a year, I doubt if I'll watch now. I've been watching the same thing since I was a little girl and the one time they tried to mix it up it was Hathawayed. PASS! Since I just remembered she had somehting to do with the Oscars for two years in a row.

Posted by: Candy at November 10, 2011 8:19 PM

YOU SHUT YOUR STUPID MOUTH ROWLES BILLY CRYSTAL IS A LEGEND AND HE WILL KICK YOUR ASS.

I need to stop shouting. Maybe.

Posted by: figgy at November 10, 2011 8:20 PM

I fucking love Billy Crystal. He's perfect for the Award show. He GETS it. He adds a touch of humility and warmth to an otherwise lifeless show.

Hollywood is NOT classy. Billy Crystal IS.

Posted by: Horace at November 10, 2011 8:23 PM

At least it's not Leno.

Posted by: googergieger at November 10, 2011 9:08 PM

I mean, they've missed the chance to do something interesting again, but this year we had "interesting" and it was a fucking disaster. Billy's a solid, safe choice and while he's not a laffriot, at least he's unlikely to cause physical pain within the average viewer.

I'd rather they got Jon Stewart back, but the bastard had the NERVE to vaguely poke fun at the proceedings when he did it. They won't let that happen again.

Posted by: Arran at November 10, 2011 9:29 PM

I'd rather they got Jon Stewart back, but the bastard had the NERVE to vaguely poke fun at the proceedings when he did it. They won't let that happen again.

Which is why I thought the Muppet idea had no fucking chance, even though it'd be brilliant. Frank Oz and the performers in live work almost always pulled several mild to hysterical rips on their co-stars or interviewers. Imagine Gonzo asking Downey if he'd snorted Iron Man branded pixie stix or Piggy uncomfortably out-diva'ing the GOOP.

Posted by: idiosynchronic at November 10, 2011 10:18 PM

Re :Frank Oz. He hasn't done piggy or Fozzy since like 2002. I'm glad you mentioned Gonzo, however, as he's still being played by Dave Goelz.

And Dusty, : "My feathers were looking forward to a good ruffling."

Ricky Gervais is coming back for some more skewering at that "other" awards show. There is your ruffling and then some.

Posted by: Horace at November 11, 2011 2:38 AM

I too was looking forward to an Eddie Murphy comeback. I finally saw "Delirious" and it was a riot, notwithstanding the (extreme) homophobia and sexism. But Murphy has apparently apologized for using the f-word there. Anyway it was one of the funniest things I've seen and I was a bit saddened to think that the same man (I loved him in SNL as well)does crap like Norbit (worst movie I had the 'privilege' to see in a theater). It might have been fun. Instead he had to express his solidarity with that sexist, homophobic sack of shit and back out. Well good for you Eddie, you can go back to making movies about farts.
Last year was the most pathetic hosting I'd seen anywhere on TV with Hathaway on crack and Franco stoned. I'm yet to wash the taste of that from my mouth. Billy Crystal is boring as fuck but I'll still take this over last year's train wreck.
I really wanted Colbert or Wanda Sykes even.....and yes, Hugh Jackman was the best host in the past 5 years.

Posted by: severine at November 11, 2011 6:18 AM

Hollywood is the epicenter of world entertainment, where the best writers, actors and personalities gather and the best they can do for their awards show is Billy fucking Crystal? Lord I hope the Mayans were right.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at November 11, 2011 7:38 AM

Hollywood is home to the world's biggest and yet most fragile collective of egotists. They love to dish it out on others, but they are the first to cry when someone dares to come near them with zinger. One would think with their the fame and fortune to fall back on they might have developed a slightly thicker skin. It isn't about us the audience. They couldn't give a damn. It's about them and all the props they want showered their way. If you ever want to see people verbally felate one another just watch any award show. And if you want to see these same celebrities revert to their high school clique ways, just watch closely when someone hosting tries to target anyone for a punchline. Is there a pantywaist for a host? No problem, they'll give the same reaction when someone else wins "their" award.

They want boring. The want benign. They want safe. It isn't that they can't do better; they refuse to. Because in the end, celebrities know internally that they are for the most part insecure and overtly lucky people. And when someone else exposes their flaws, they are at risk for losing that coveted status all the quicker.

Posted by: bleujayone at November 11, 2011 8:06 AM

I'm really not upset about this. I mean, there are definitely people I'd prefer (NPH and the Muppets top that list), but I can't argue with going back to tried & true after the last few years. With the exception of Hugh Jackman, when was the last time we had a host that was even mildly amusing? On the whole, they tend to bomb, because hosting is HARD y'all. Billy Crystal left when he did because he knew his schtick had gotten tired and rote. It's been years since we had him up there - even if he DOES resort to the same old tricks, at least it's been awhile since we saw them. And I thought most of his hostings were awesome, so I'm hesitantly hopeful about this.

And, really? ANYTHING is better than the Hathaway/Franco disaster of last year. They could let Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen host together, with special appearance by Roman Polanski and I think it would go better (controversy is ALWAYS better than boredom is situations like this, right?).

Posted by: KatSings at November 11, 2011 8:17 AM

Is it totally hipster-douchebaggy of me to say I have not seen (EVER) Crystal host this and I have not watched it in many many years? I WOULD, however, have made an effort to watch this if The Muppets hosted. Muppets or Craig Ferguson.

Posted by: klingonfree at November 11, 2011 8:49 AM

I'd have preferred if the Muppets or Neil Patrick Harris got the job, but they could have done a lot worse than Billy Crystal.

Posted by: csb at November 11, 2011 8:53 AM

Hey KatSings --
Now that you've suggested Mel and Charlie, I think I'll be hopelessly disappointed with absolutely any other suggestion. They pretty much need to make that happen.

The "random audience shots" of actors TRYING to look impassive would be PRICELESS....

Posted by: heatheradair at November 11, 2011 11:48 AM

Ohh Pajiba, you sad, predictable cliche. I knew you wouldn't be happy with this, you're never happy with anything. One minute you're bitching about something outrageous, the next you're complaining that something is boring. One minute you are feigning apathy, the next you're crusading against apathy. Everyone has a friend like you, and they never want to invite him to parties.

I still love you, but you have some issues. I think Billy Crystal is classic, and will do just fine.

Posted by: Freller at November 11, 2011 12:39 PM


billy crystal will be several light years better than james franco.
the reviewer may not remember but i do. he was terrific.

Posted by: snake at November 11, 2011 1:03 PM

I totally remember Billy Crystal hosting the show! Remember when they wheeled him out a la Hannibal Lector? That was hilarious.
The man can sing, dance, tell a joke, what's not to love?

I don't remember Hugh Jackman's run, although he'd be prettier to look at than Franco.
In fact I'd say if they gave the hosting duties to him and Anne Hathaway, I think it'd be entertaining. That poor girl did everything she could to salvage the fiasco that was Franco last year.

Hands down, though, NPH ftw.

Posted by: stella at November 13, 2011 11:41 AM